Ebanda's Handyman Services

Nah! Hebridean is in the 2nd division now. I heard that after you read one of his posts, your phone rings and in 7 days time he climbs through your TV and bores you to death.

Go for the quirky routine. Tell her that you have invisible earphones and pretend to put them on her head. Ask her if she can hear anything and when she inevitably says no tell her it's because she has the player on mute. Look at her like she's stupid and then walk away mumbling in disgust. Women are fucking mental anyway so she'll totally relate. Remember to let us know how that goes.

I usually cut it once a month and it looks alright just now but I think I may start cutting it a bit more frequently.

I wonder if the slugs will stay alive long enough to get wrecked? I just cut my grass last week and the bloody stuff is needing another trim already.

What the f**k are you on about? Anyway, it's fantastic being in this division with the bigger teams. I'm particularly looking forward to the Dundee games and of course the big Fife derby.

Thank you Matt. The shed is on blocks at the dip and is sitting firm so I'll probably just build it up so as to cover the blocks and leave the shed as it is. Will I be ok covering existing grass with the soil and just re-seeding the fresh soil that I put down?

I'll try and take a real photo but hopefully this adequately shows my wee garden problem..........

That isn't true. In both cases with my kids we found that the dummy helped them calm down and relax. Coley had it up until about 6 months and decided he could do without and Isla only used hers on the odd occasion. We were weary of them being dependent on a dummy but when the wee things are screaming their chubby little faces off and a dummy is the only thing that'll sooth them you can bet your sweet Irn Bru drinking ass that you'll be ramming a dummy in their gub. Congrats to The Chief.

Hello gardening people. I need to level up a wee bit of my garden. What is the procedure?..... Do I just chuck a shit load of dirt on and level, afterwards sprinkling on grass seed or is it a wee bit more complex than that?

Don't feel bad. If she was doing her job right in the first place you wouldn't have had to get on to her.

Hopefully me! Nice to see you back. Give Adam and Charlie my best wishes.

Both good points. Inmate - "Fafc1885, big Rab the Rapist said he's gonny split ye in half" Fafc1885 - "f**k it!!" *Drops trousers*

Keep the head up young man! It's better that you find out what they are like now rather than wasting more time under false pretences. You seem like you need to get a 'f**k it' attitude about you though and not let arseholes like that bother you. Also, stop trying to get a ride from your confidence coach, it's going to end badly either way. 1) You manage to shag her and you become a super confident/arrogant tosser that nobody likes or...... 2) You don't manage to shag her but end up with a tag around your ankle after a stint in Peterhead jail for trying.

Never heard of it. I'm too busy clubbing seals and shaving cats to watch TV.

Tell me what you meant then!

You've lost me young ane!

Simplifying films like that in your head will spoil it though. Much like saying that all that the Shawshank Redemption consists of Andy Dufresne getting jailed and then

I am dissapointed.

Instead of two crowds of around 3500-4000 we're currently looking at two crowds of half that for games against Caley Thistle. Fucking shite, c'mon Caley!

Noooooooooooo! C'mon Caley.

"The whoosh detractor"

Explain the Whoooooosssshhhhh please. There's a sentence you don't write everyday.

It'll be pretty boring pranking an answering machine. I'm in for a whooshing here eh?

I went there when I was about 20. Quite a good place to work as it was full of characters who usually created a good laugh. You'll do a lot better than there in your lifetime but it's cash for the time being. Up Mitchelston pal, aye. Paco - I'm not too sure about part time, no harm in giving them a wee call to ask though.