Breaking Decency Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 Favourite from last night: In bed, for some reason discussing religion. Her: So Jesus was killed by the Jews or the Romans? Was it Pontius Pilates (pronounced the same as the exercise thing) Me: *snigger* Yes, he was exercised to death. Cue me not getting my hole. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iamajag Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 Whilst discussing the Cup Draw today with a mate Girl: 'wait, did you say Peterhead were playing Celtic? They're not in the same league?' Me: 'aye all the teams in Scotland are in it' Girl: 'so Thistle could win it then?' Cue the whole room bursting into laughter haha 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 Talking to my group in uni, and someone mentions Blade Runner: Me: I know everyone loves it, but I can't stand Blade Runner. Mind you we had to study it in Media Studies in school, so that's probably why I hate it. Girl 1: Yeah that's like The Shawshank Redemption and The Godfather for me, good films but studying it in Media Studies has put me off. Me: We did Blade Runner and Jaws, ruined both of them for me. Girl 2: What are these films? I've never heard of any of them. Me: What, The Godfather, Shawshank Redemption, Blade Runner or Jaws? You've never heard of any of them? Girl 2: Yeah, so? Others laughed in the way people do when they find the stupidity of women endearing, I felt like smacking her across the puss. Reminded me of that Limmy "what's a Shawshank" sketch. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lanky_ffc Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 My girlfriend thought Men In Black was the sequel to Wild Wild West... In my last job, there was a girl in my office who came out with some belters. I'll post them when I remember them. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ranaldo Bairn Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 Son (aged about 3): Dad, where do sausages come from? Me (one eyebrow arched, knowingly): Why, they come from pigs, my son. Son (after a pause): Do they lay them in their nests? I have only found out in the last few years, the correct pronunciation of the word "melancholy". I nearly indirectly caused the death of my father at the dinner table one evening when he asked me how I was. I replied in complete seriousness "Ach, OK, just a bit meLANKoly the now." He was a worrying shade of red and could not breathe for some time with laughter! (I was in my early 30's and have a Physics degree...) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
11thHour Posted January 5, 2012 Share Posted January 5, 2012 Not so much something the missus said but something that she did. Her dad has diabetes and needed a sugar boost, the best way he finds to correct this is to drink some full fat ginger. So the missus pops out and coems back in with none other than Pepsi Max. Me and her dad couldnt move for laughing. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lanky_ffc Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 (edited) I was in the pub with my girlfriend and a few of her pals before Xmas. We were discussing that programme about the woman who got her face ravaged by a dog. Turns out I was the only one who knew what a face transplant involved. The rest of them thought you got someone else's face like in the film, Face Off. Edited January 8, 2012 by lanky_ffc 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speccy1984 Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 Brilliant thread! Took great pleasure recently in proving that Monaco was not the capital of Russia (this was a 2 on 1 argument as well!) Recently convinced my mates lass that Tuborg was bacon flavoured lager. Cue the merriment when she takes a swig and says "aye I can taste it, thats like a meal and a drink in one" Also knew a girl who was amazed that the brothers Steven Whittaker Pen and Leighton Baines Pen had scored right after each other whilst watching the scores come through. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poang Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 (edited) I work in a call centre of sorts. This week the same girl has said that she once killed a spider by screaming at it, and the following day she asked aloud to the office "Why do people on the Isle of Wight all have English accents?" Edited January 12, 2012 by poang 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eindhovendee Posted May 9, 2013 Share Posted May 9, 2013 Great thread this. Me and my ex were 5 years together so I took her out for a romantic meal. We were in a lovely Spanish restaurant and were splashing out a bit so I asked the waiter to give us a nice bottle of Rioja. He comes back and opens the bottle with a flourish and leaves it explaining that it had to breathe. He appears 10 minutes later and pours a bit for her to test and she gives a nod and a smile that the testing had gone well. He pours me a glass and explains that 1994 was a good year, it was 2002, and while I have a huge mouthful of wine she asks him when the sell by date is. I had wine coming out my nose. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mallo_Madrid Posted May 9, 2013 Share Posted May 9, 2013 This is probably a fairly standard one. Missus asked me why I liked Liver if its Offal. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuggie_Murray7 Posted May 9, 2013 Share Posted May 9, 2013 Yesterday.. My girlfriend: "We should save up and go to a few places across Europe for holidays" Me: "Where are you thinking of going?" Her: "Egypt" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacksgranda Posted May 9, 2013 Share Posted May 9, 2013 Yesterday.. My girlfriend: "We should save up and go to a few places across Europe for holidays" Me: "Where are you thinking of going?" Her: "Egypt" She's kind of right - you have to go across Europe to get to Egypt... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boomtown Boy Posted May 9, 2013 Share Posted May 9, 2013 Missed this thread, glad it has been revived. I could write a fvckin book with the things my mrs has come away with. Just a few for starters. We both worked for BoS at Rosyth for a while and driving over the Forth Road Bridge one morning (already worked in Rosyth for months by this point) she stated she doesnt ever fancy going over the Forth Rail Bridge in a train as it would be scary like a rollercoaster going up and over. After about 10 minutes of laughing I explained the train went through the middle of the bridge. On holiday in Benodorm many years ago and stopped at shop whilst out a walk and went in to get 2 bottles of water for us. I emerged from shop and handed her a bottle which was excellently chilled and about half was ice in the bottle. She asked how do you think they got that big lump of ice into the bottle coz it would never fit through the bottle top. Really!!!! We were in Egypt a few years back and was explaining to my then 5 year old that the young man behind the bar cant drink all beer as he is Muslim to which my wife butted in and asked what age a Muslim had to be to drink???? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
macatto Posted May 9, 2013 Share Posted May 9, 2013 Was watching the national parks program the other night with the wife and son, Caroline Quentine was at Loch Lomond for the episode. Wife - "Thats where Nessie lives isn't it? Me "yep thats right" Wife - "we should go there for a wee holiday" Me - "What about Loch Ness, its nice there?" 2 mins before she clicked. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boomtown Boy Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 Missed this thread, glad it has been revived. I could write a fvckin book with the things my mrs has come away with. Just a few for starters. We both worked for BoS at Rosyth for a while and driving over the Forth Road Bridge one morning (already worked in Rosyth for months by this point) she stated she doesnt ever fancy going over the Forth Rail Bridge in a train as it would be scary like a rollercoaster going up and over. After about 10 minutes of laughing I explained the train went through the middle of the bridge. On holiday in Benodorm many years ago and stopped at shop whilst out a walk and went in to get 2 bottles of water for us. I emerged from shop and handed her a bottle which was excellently chilled and about half was ice in the bottle. She asked how do you think they got that big lump of ice into the bottle coz it would never fit through the bottle top. Really!!!! We were in Egypt a few years back and was explaining to my then 5 year old that the young man behind the bar cant drink all beer as he is Muslim to which my wife butted in and asked what age a Muslim had to be to drink???? I think I will be a consistent contributor to this thread. This isnt from the wife but the mother in law, its the geneology. We went out for a meal with her mother and her partner. Everyone was sitting pretty quietly reading the menu when her mother asked me what the hell Horse Doovers are. Eh? Is this a general question or is it menu related? I replied Horse Doovers!! she said forcefully pointing to the menu Dinni ken what you are on about show me. I said She leant over table and pointed to her menu, after a bit laughin and cracking a joke something along the lines of like mother like duaghter I explained to the rest of the table it says Hors D`doeurves. Had to point out to wife it was slightly hypocritical of her laughing, people in glass houses and all that. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DAFC Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 I was just in the library there with my group for one of my uni classes. Without boring you with the details we're making a business plan: Girl: Where are we selling from? Me: Probably the 10 largest cities in the UK, plus Cardiff and Newcastle. Girl: Cardiff's not in the UK is it? Me: Eh? It's the capital of Wales. Girl: Exactly, so it's not in the UK. I went to laigh, then remembered that I'm relying on this person to pass my groupwork which I'll need to pass if I want to do Honours. f**k. Mind you, I'm not exactly in the best position to laugh. When I was in a Tesco in Budapest I went to pay for a toothbrush, shampoo and a Hungarian Playboy (when in Rome) with 45,000 Hungatian forint, which is about £125. Do they give out free uni courses in Christmas crackers nowadays? I thought you had to be intelligent to get a degree? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speckled tangerine Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 My wife: 'did Australia not qualify for Eurovision this year?' Me sparing her blushes: 'nah, knocked out in the semi-finals' My wife: 'surely their song was better than this shite!' Song: Romania. She had a point. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoversMad Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 I love it when somebody bumps a thread like this, so thank you, whoever it was, IOU a greenie!!! A couple of years ago I went to my mates with a trailer to move a kids wardrobe. His mrs looks out the window and asks if I'm sure it will fit, so I asked her what size it was, "It's a big pink one..." Cue merciless pisstaking along the lines of" shit you never said it was a pink one,, I brought the white trailer" & "we're gonna need a bigger trailer" Away back to page 1 now to catch up 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Rider Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 After the recent horsemeat in burgers scandal it was in the news about how the were analysing the meat provided to schools to see what animals were in it. I said to my wife - Imagine if they found human in amongst it? She says - God i know, or rat!!! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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