Peas n Gravy Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 There's a girl at work who thinks ducks are baby geese. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weirdcal Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 just got moved desks at work. and the lassie next to me is epic. shes a lovely lass, but she opens her mouth before engaging brain. i am actually noting alot of these down as hey are corkers. autumn is my favourite month. do hedgehogs bark oh em gee, i've forgot how to spell my name oh, i almost answered the phone 'hello, karma chameleon' does q come before r ? cause i think this spread sheet is wrong. oh and when i made a bovril (squeezy bottle for the win!) mmm that smells like chocolate 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnightswoodBear Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 just got moved desks at work. and the lassie next to me is epic. shes a lovely lass, but she opens her mouth before engaging brain. i am actually noting alot of these down as hey are corkers. autumn is my favourite month. do hedgehogs bark oh em gee, i've forgot how to spell my name oh, i almost answered the phone 'hello, karma chameleon' does q come before r ? cause i think this spread sheet is wrong. oh and when i made a bovril (squeezy bottle for the win!) mmm that smells like chocolate As unlikely as the scenario may be, but if I ever create a band, their name will now be "Do Hedgehogs Bark". 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karpaty Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 On a recent trip to Vegas we were walking along the strip admiring the hotels... Me: Oh Look, Monte Carlo. Mrs Guttenberg: Monte Carlo.... Is he a golfer? If she said footballer, she's be almost correct 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phanni tikklar Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 One day me and the mrs were out for a drink. While getting the bus into town it had to be rerouted because the marathon was on. She asks how fars the Edinburgh marathon. To which I replied, pretty much 26 miles. She then says. Ooh. That's the same as the London marathon!!!!! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheLip69 Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 I used to visit my granny on a Saturday afternoon. I arrived one day and she was waiting for the engineer to come and fix her telly. He got there just shortly after me and asked her what was wrong with it. She said, "I think it's the tyre" He looked at her then looked at me and I just shrugged my shoulders. He took the back off the telly and had a look then turned to my gran and said; "Yer tubes gone, hen" "Aye" she said "I knew it was something to do with a bike" In fairness my granny was renowned for that kind of thing, I remember she was in our house one night as my dad and I were watching the football. She was getting exasperated trying to remember the name of this woman she had met at the bingo, and describing her to my mum. It was really annoying her that my mum didn't have a clue, "Oh for goodness sake Ellen you must know her, you were at school with her daughter, she lived in Blackwoods Crescent, married the wee fella McDonald, think for God's sake" and my dad said "Is it that wee Mrs McDonald?" My Granny let a scream out of her and said "Thats' it, brilliant Joe, Do you know her?" then slapped my mother on the arm and said "How come he knows her and you dont?" I was rolling about the floor in tears and my Gran just thought I was mental. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheLip69 Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 I did forget one classic from the missus though, one of the male nurses she worked with was gay and he had gone out one friday afternoon and got his nipple pierced. He was on nighshift with my wife that night, and had shown her the piercing, a ring through his nipple, and complained about the pain he was in. As luck would have it we were all meeting up for a drink on the Saturday night, and as he walked into the bar with his partner, and greeted everyone, my wife unfortunately still fairly sober asked him fairly loudly "How's your ring, still nipping like mad?" the silence was broken only by me choking on a mouthful of beer. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 I was just in the library there with my group for one of my uni classes. Without boring you with the details we're making a business plan: Girl: Where are we selling from? Me: Probably the 10 largest cities in the UK, plus Cardiff and Newcastle. Girl: Cardiff's not in the UK is it? Me: Eh? It's the capital of Wales. Girl: Exactly, so it's not in the UK. I went to laigh, then remembered that I'm relying on this person to pass my groupwork which I'll need to pass if I want to do Honours. f**k. Mind you, I'm not exactly in the best position to laugh. When I was in a Tesco in Budapest I went to pay for a toothbrush, shampoo and a Hungarian Playboy (when in Rome) with 45,000 Hungatian forint, which is about £125. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monster Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 I'm watching the darts, but I paused it to post this one. Nicholson wins 10-8 and Ayrgirl is on her laptop on p and b so I ask her to look in the predictions thread and check if I'd got the result right. She looks and says: "Yes, you predicted 10-8 for that one. Oh, and ten for him, ten for him, ten for him....surely they won't all get to ten?" Fuxake! *facepalm* 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgecutter Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 One of the admin girls at work the other week: "When you drill into an oil field, how do you stop the sea crashing through the top of the hole? If it filled it in, would there be a big whirlpool like you get when you pull the plug out?" Made my day that one. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super_J Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 David Attenborough: "The polar bear, tired and weary in the height of the fierce winter begins to make her nest" Her: "HER NEST?? DO POLAR BEARS LAY EGGS??" Me: "This is going on P and B." 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
11thHour Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 Talking to Mrs M the other day, saying how cold it was. "Its friggin Baltic the day" I says. "It is isnt it. Does that saying come from the Baltic Sea" says Mrs M. "Indeed, I assume that it is" I reply. "I never understood that, what with the Baltic Sea being near the Caribbean" she says. I must have hundreds of these geography related incidents. Aye the overwhelming conclusion i've came to is that women are shit at geography. A fair whack of my missus' howlers are geography related - her thinking aberdeen is in england etc. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weirdcal Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 a few more: do you have an anchor on a pedalo ? what is an ox? is it a type of dear? in a music quiz fill the blanks. : hey hey we're the Goonies, we are tired of Goonying around a kilo of beef cost more than a kilo of chicken because its heavier. oh and : Anne frank, isnt she a famous prostitute? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ebanda's Handyman Services Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 a few more: do you have an anchor on a pedalo ? what is an ox? is it a type of dear? in a music quiz fill the blanks. : hey hey we're the Goonies, we are tired of Goonying around a kilo of beef cost more than a kilo of chicken because its heavier. oh and : Anne frank, isnt she a famous prostitute? She's a beauty! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weirdcal Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 She's a beauty! i actually write these down!! and there are many i missed. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 My sister is rather simple at times. A few years ago I was helping my niece with Euopean capital cities. Basically I had to say the city and she would tell me the country or vice versa. I stated Romania, and my sister pipes in "How the hell is she meant to know that one, she is only doing European cities?". My niece retorts "Did you eve go to school mum?" Ariound the same time my sister was asking me about a song that was recently released, she hummed Take Me Out by Franz Ferdinand. And as I was about to answer she says I am too slow she has remembered it now. She then looks on Amazon and asks me why Rio Ferdinad's album isn't for sale yet. A girl I went to Uni with said she was going to the Ross County Vs Dundee game on the Saturday. She then asked me did I know where Ross County was. I kinda laughed and said they play in Dingwall. She then turns and says Dingwall is smaller than Nairn and Nairn County only play in the Highland League, so there was no way Ross County played in Dingwall. Deary me. On a similar theme and also to even this up a wee bit. When I was about six or seven and first getting into football. I asked my father how good were Ross County, he stated that they were pretty rubbish. I then asked what league we were in. He states the "Highland League". I then go an a six year old style tirade that it wasn't fair that County were rubbish in the Highland League and the village next to us Evanton had a team in the English Premier. How my dad chortled. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Breaking Decency Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 I was just in the library there with my group for one of my uni classes. Without boring you with the details we're making a business plan: Girl: Where are we selling from? Me: Probably the 10 largest cities in the UK, plus Cardiff and Newcastle. Girl: Cardiff's not in the UK is it? Me: Eh? It's the capital of Wales. Girl: Exactly, so it's not in the UK. I went to laigh, then remembered that I'm relying on this person to pass my groupwork which I'll need to pass if I want to do Honours. f**k. Mind you, I'm not exactly in the best position to laugh. When I was in a Tesco in Budapest I went to pay for a toothbrush, shampoo and a Hungarian Playboy (when in Rome) with 45,000 Hungatian forint, which is about £125. It's hard to get change from notes here (even the banks charge you for that) so on pay day I usually break up 5000Kc notes (about £170) by buying a cheeseburger at McDonalds (20Kc, 70p) 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MONKMAN Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 (edited) About a month ago I was telling the missus that a few guys on my rig had seen some whales Her response "What the country" Yeah that's right, Wales has miraculously shifted to the North Fucking Sea Edited November 24, 2011 by MONKMAN 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Kincardine Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 About a month ago I was telling the missus that a few guys on my rig had seen some whales Her response "What the country" Yeah that's right, Wales has miraculously shifted to the North Fucking Sea Actualy not 'that' daft. My 11 year old plays rugby. At training on Sunday they were sorting out line-out calls and agreed that the front call would be animals and the back call would be countries. The hooker (throwing in) called “Whales” Confused the f**k out of everyone. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jam Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 Me: Pretty gutted I am working tomorrow night, Ayr are up at Montrose in the cup. Girlfriend: Will it not be on the TV anyway? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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