Out of the mouth of babes...

[The Moonster]

A couple of years back my brother was moving to New Zealand and my girlfriend asked "what part of Australia is that in?". Shortly after this I was talking to my brother about how his plans were going and he said "Aye pretty much sorted, just waiting for my visa to come through and I'll be ready to go", my girlfriend then exclaimed "why do you need a credit card to go to New Zealand?".

She also does the movie thing - "Why's he doing that?". I don't fucking know, please shut up.

[Adam]

I worked with a girl once, who one day was reading a Metro I had brought in off the train. There was a murder trial going on I believe, and the judge was either summing up or handing down a sentence. The journalist had written what the judge had said followed by "according to Lord Justice Smith". (Probably not Smith, can't remember!)

The girl said how it was funny that a judge had a first name like Justice.

[eindhovendee]

On a similar note, I get the fear when she asks to go to the cinema. She's a clever girl usually, but as soon as she watches a film she turns into an absolute Swampy. Every 30 seconds it's a ridiculous question as she can't keep track of the simplest of plots. It's embarrassing for anyone sitting next to us.

During the Social Network, after 5 mins when they're talking to lawyers about what happened she goes 'WTF, how did we get here?' He's not even made Facebook yet!'

Definitely this.

It's got me wondering, when the ladies all to the cinema together do they actually know what happened when they've come out ?

[oht]

Missus: Is Paris in the UK?

Me: No Paris is in France

Missus: But France is in the UK isn't it?

Ok, my ex thought Tunisia was a town in Spain but the above is just ridiculous.

[Monster]

Mine refused to buy a car with cruise control because she was scared it might fail and the car would crash.

She thought cruise control steered the car for you.

[Raidernation]

Just found this utter gem of a thread, thanks!

One from my 14 year old step daughter (bear in mind she's born and bred in Illinois USA, never been out of the USA, and a product of the USA education system).

Last year, on setting off shit loads of fireworks in early July

She: But what is the 4th of July about? And why isn't it on a weekend this year?

She just finished middle school (effectively s2) with straight A's! (Including American history)

[JamboMikey]

"Is that his name? 'Fantastic Sub Oh Tick?"

"Eh?"

"At the bottom of the screen. Fantastic Sub Oh Tick!"

'Fantastic Subotic'

Edited May 25, 2013 by JamboMikey

[RoversMad]

Driving some Canadians over the Forth road bridge yesterday one woman remarked on the railway bridge,

"It's a lovely design but why did they let it get so rusty?"

[Dariusz]

A few years back we were doing some pish quiz at work for some unknown reason, and one of the women did a set of questions where every answer was a well known phrase with a bird in it somewhere. So an example would be Question: DAAD - Answer: Dead As A Dodo.

One of the questions was WGC. This girl just couldnt get it, and seeing as everyone was finished, I told her it was WIld Goose Chase. She looked blankly at me, then the sheet, then back at me, and said "A goose isnae a bird, its a duck". Mindfuck...I was like, "No it isnt, and even if it was, a duck is a bird!!" She said "Nah, a duck is.....a duck". Fucking belter.

We also used to be allowed to listen to the radio at work, and a phone in quiz question was "How many weeks are there in the year". She sat there and said "is it 52 or 54?". The guy sitting next to her , clearly wanting to test her stupidity, said "naw its 76". She replied "Really? oh what am I thinking of then?".

[J_Stewart]

Lying in bed hungover with my girlfriend just now, she turns to me and asks -

"Is jizz white even for black and Asian people?"

Edited May 27, 2013 by J_Stewart

[Mr Prez]

That only proves she is not two timeing you with a couloured guy

IMO

[eindhovendee]

Ling n bed hungover with my girlfriend just now, she turns to m and asks -

"Is jizz white even for black and Asian people?"

It's certainly something that's been playing on her mind.

[Bert Raccoon]

Ling n bed hungover with my girlfriend just now, she turns to m and asks -

"Is jizz white even for black and Asian people?"

^^^^^Just had a hangover w**k on his girlfriend.

[Scotty79]

Ok, my ex thought Tunisia was a town in Spain but the above is just ridiculous.

My gf once turned round to me and said 'is Iraq no a wee village in Afghanistan?'

I couldn't even say anythin I was that dumbfounded by it

[The_Craig]

Sitting with the missus in a hotel room, reading through the Tourist information book.

In the information section there was a heading "Vaccinations" which stated that visitors to Scotland don't need any immunisations.

Mrs the_craig pipes up "Do you not need to be immunised against Malaria, because of the midges and that...?"

Cue 5 minutes of me hee-hawing and laughing and silence the rest of the day from her.

[)typically]

I guess you just had to be there for some of these

[Bully Wee Villa]

A few from me. Just to be different I'll start with some mentallistic things that a male former colleague said/did.

Firstly, he believed that tuna was made out of dolphins.

Secondly, he once asked me how much it costs to change your name "by Interpol".

Finally, one day he got up, got his work uniform on and arrived at work nice and early for his Monday morning shift. He was there about 8.30 and he normally didn't get in till about 9.00 so well done him. Unfortunately, he was a bit TOO early as it was only 8.30, on Sunday night. He said he "wondered why there wasn't as much traffic as usual".

On to taking the piss out of female colleagues. One lunchtime I was watching the tennis on my phone. The following conversation ensued:

Girl: what you watching?

Me: Wimbledon.

Girl: ha ha very funny. What are you watching really?

Me (confused): Wimbledon.

Girl: stop playing me up! What are you really watching?

Me: Wimbledon, what are you on about?

Girl: stop being silly. Wimbledon's not a real place! It's where the Wombles come from!

Another time a male colleague, a female colleague and myself were in the pub and the two blokes were chatting about football.

Suddenly, the girl interrupts him with

"What? You like West Brom?"

Him: "yeah, I've always supported West Brom"

Her: "oh that's odd... I thought you supported the Albion!"

Cue endless piss-taking from us about how it always kicks off when West Brom play the Albion.

A weird one from my ex. I have no idea why, but for some reason she believed that eating bananas gives you leprosy. This in itself is bad enough but is compounded by the fact that her job is a nursery nurse and she had proceeded to tell this "fact" to a room full of three-year-olds.

Moving on to some daft things said by my dear mother.

She's English and my Dad's Scottish.

The first time he took her back to Glasgow to meet his parents was on the train. Spotting the "Welcome to Scotland" sign my dad (of the future) informed her that they were now in Scotland. Immediately, she stood up and started putting her coat on ready to get off the train while everybody laughed at her.

Even when they arrived at Glasgow she was still slightly puzzled and asked my dad if he was sure they were in Scotland. He asked why and she said "because the men are all wearing trousers". She'd honestly expected every man in Scotland to be wearing a kilt.

On top of that, she used to think the words to "Bad Moon Rising" were:

"Don't go out tonight

You know you look a fright

There's a bathroom on the right"

And finally a bit of American-baiting. My dad was on some tour bus and the guide told everyone that they were passing a famous distillery.

An American woman on the coach was amazed "wait a minute... they make whisky in Scotland too?".

After she'd been laughed at she continued to make a twat of herself. Rather than just sitting quietly and being embarrassed at her idiocy she made things worse by loudly saying stuff like "well it won't be as good as our whisky. Ours is the best in the World" for some time until she was beginning to piss everybody off.

They got their revenge by convincing her that squirrel was the Scottish national dish. "Eeeuh, you people are disgusting!"

Edited May 28, 2013 by Bully Wee Villa

[Barrfields_Largs]

My girlfriend likes watching the football. She's very knowledgable about players, teams, rivalries, knows the rules etc.

However, she can't grasp the competitions. For example, she couldn't understand how both Celtic and Man Utd could be "champions". She's starting to get the concept that every country has its own league, and more than one league at that. However now there is a new struggle, cup competitions;

"How can Munich and Chelsea both be European champions?", "how can Hibs be in a final when they are 9th", "so are Wigan the champions now? That's hardly fair to Man Utd" etc....

She also protested that its a "fucking disgrace" (she's got a way for words) that British teams should compete in Europe, as we're not in the Euro.

[effeffsee_the2nd]

On a shopping trip to glasgow many moons ago we were at the traffic lights when they started beeping to indicate the green man, 2 american women absolutly shat it not knowing what this crazy alarm was. when we explained to them that all was well and it was a signal for blind people to cross the road they looked in sheer horrer and declared "OH MY GOD YOU SCOTTISH LET BLIND PEOPLE DRIVE CARS!!"

[Sweet Pete]

On a shopping trip to glasgow many moons ago we were at the traffic lights when they started beeping to indicate the green man, 2 american women absolutly shat it not knowing what this crazy alarm was. when we explained to them that all was well and it was a signal for blind people to cross the road they looked in sheer horrer and declared "OH MY GOD YOU SCOTTISH LET BLIND PEOPLE DRIVE CARS!!"

Heard it many moons ago. Let's stick to things that really happened from now on