School stories

[milton75]

We were obsessed with making explosives for a few years (don't do this, kids. Apparently folk take a dim view of it these days).

The easiest ways to make basic gunpowders, thermite, etc. Was to either steal from chemistry (where nothing but the most harmful acids and so on were locked up), or to grind up the ceramic gunpowder engines from model rockets. You could also go for fertiliser/sugar etc., but I understand fertilisers sold now are no longer suitable for exactly that reason.

Anyway, our favourite way to use these mixes, especially if mixed with mg powder for effect, was to put a little hole in a ping pong ball, fill it up, use a petrol-sodden bit of string as a fuse, and one person would light the fuse as the other released the mini bomb from their catapult (I had a Black Widow, mate had a fancy Diablo).

Our favourite targets were a hated teacher's greenhouse, launched from field behind his house, and another house I won't specify. Because my friend fired an absolute beaut that went off next to an attic window with obvious consequences. We ran away.

We stopped doing it after an idiot at the next school asked for a recipe and made a mess of himself. Muppet tried to use mg ribbon to light an open little pile of powder. Outside. A breeze hits it and as it ignites it covers him. He was very lucky and only lost hair, eyebrows, and bit of skin and nails on one hand. All was okayish after a few months.

It seemed a warning.

[milton75]

That'll do for now. Teachers next time x

[Tom Rogic]

My French teacher took a heart attack and died in the canteen one day

[Sergeant Wilson]

My French teacher took a heart attack and died in the canteen one day

What did he do after that?

[Tom Rogic]

What did he do after that?

It was a she actually

[Sergeant Wilson]

It was a she actually

That's alright then,

[Tom Rogic]

That's alright then,

We all got the afternoon off as some pupils and staff had witnessed it.

I hadnt but still got home early so it wasnt all bad

[Gaz FFC]

Fucking teachers will do anything for a day off

[Kilbowie's Finest]

I remember a lad in my Primary Class having been off for a considerable amount of time . On the day he did return to school he arrived about an hour late and when our teacher asked where he had been all this time he replied that he had a "big breakfast" - cue hysterical laughter both from the class and the teacher herself😂

[Hedgecutter]

people used to chew paper and throw it at the walls

This just brought back lost memories of folk throwing soaked paper towels at the toilet ceiling. Started off as a few of them which pissed the janitor / teachers off terribly, only for it to get progressively worse until the entire ceiling was covered in crusty paper. Genuine seethe.

[mizfit]

This just brought back lost memories of folk throwing soaked paper towels at the toilet ceiling. Started off as a few of them which pissed the janitor / teachers off terribly, only for it to get progressively worse until the entire ceiling was covered in crusty paper. Genuine seethe.

We would do that too, caused much hilarity if it failed to stick and landing back on the launchers head.

[smpar]

A light fixture fell off the ceiling and was inches from landing on a small row of people's heads. If it wouldn't have killed them, it would have cause serious damage. Quite a frightening thought actually.

[DrewDon]

Two of my teachers in first and second year left our class in tears, primarily as a result of the misbehaviour of the class. Two or three members of that class are now serving, or have served time in jail. More than a couple of fights in class, usually involving the same group of individuals, but that died down a little after a couple of them got expelled - one of them for punching our PE teacher. It was a fairly rough school anyway, but my year appeared to be particularly troublesome. 

Our guidance teacher was unable to take us for PSE one week in S2 or S3, and instead we were given an older supply teacher. As we were waiting for the bell to sound, she started speaking to us about the schools she had previously taught in. A few boys in the class started asking whether she knew fictional people - 'Phil McCracken' and the like. She played along for about four or five names, answering that she knew every single one. Just before the end of the period, one boy asked if she knew 'Mike Hunt'. She snapped at this point, going absolutely ballistic. A sound of silence then descended over the class, most people trying desperately to restrain themselves from laughter. I have a feeling there should be some more entertaining stories than that, but sadly none immediately spring to mind. 

[Jarkko Wiss]

Whenever "the bizzies" turned up at our school (quite often) their car would be covered in home-ec slop within seconds of them turning their back on it. Always a laugh that one.

[Jarkko Wiss]

Did anybody else ever light one of the taps that Bunsen burners connect to?

[AyrshireTon]

Did anybody else ever light one of the taps that Bunsen burners connect to?

Accidentally. Someone tried to light a Bunsen using another Bunsen, but the lit one came off its hose. Made a fire trail right along the bench (very like in Marion's bar in Raiders of the Lost Ark).

[KnightswoodBear]

I'm sure I've told this story before.

 

We had a Registration/Maths/Computing teacher at our school who was a total Yewtree candidate.  He would get up to go and stand at the door and watch the lassies walking past the door and the come away with shit like "it's ok to look, eh boys?" total fucking creep.

 

Anyway, we were in registration one morning and my mate cocked his leg and farted.  The fact that it was an absolute worldie and he was sitting on a wooden chair meant that it echoed round the whole class to the uncontrollable amusement of all of us.  This beast teacher went fucking tonto and started threatening to have the offender suspended.

 

Our first class after this was Computing, which unfortunately he taught as well.  Once the class started he dragged myself and my mate (neither of us were the farter) outside and basically tried to get us to grass up the boy that did it.  Neither of us were budging and increasingly we were trying not to burst out laughing which we were managing up until he lost the rag and squealed "Well it came from where you were sitting....UNLESS SOMEONE HAS A VENTRILOQUIST BOTTOM!!!"

 

At this point the two of us completely lost it and descended into an uncontrollable laughing fit.  He made us head off down to the Headmasters office, where we had to explain why we were there through tears of laughter.  What made it even better was the headmaster basically told us to f**k off and stop wasting his time, which made Jimmy Saville upstairs even more raging when we trooped back into his class.

[Sweet Pete]

My French class in around second year was full of yahoos and on one day when an aged, weirdly shaped, nervous and heavily overweight supply teacher took that class the kids tore him to ribbons. You could see as soon as he walked into the room that morning that he was hanging by a thread to his sanity, poor auld c**t was barely functioning, the kids sensed weakness and harassed him from the first bell. After about 20 minutes he stopped trying to discipline or quieten the class at all, looked at a tall thin ginger lad who hadn't opened his mouth, shouted at him, fell silent and then simply left the room. Never saw him again.

 

Guy I knew who sat behind me in English in 3rd year drew the Countdown clock in his English jotter, spelling it Cuntdown and drawing a half decent vagina in the dial, with vagina-people as the guests and hosts of this fictional, labial quiz show. He propped the offending page up against the filing cabinet at the back of the class immediately behind our desks as we left English that day. Back in that class the next day and the teacher had everyone in the class stand up and went on a super tirade, this woman was furious about Cuntdown. Only four of us at the back near the filing cabinet had even the slightest idea what she was on about, so there were 30 kids giving it shrugs and "what do you mean?" and four of us standing at our desk beside the filing cabinet trying to stare at the floor and look innocent. She eventually gave up the inquisition and started the lesson, but the same week I was going from one building to the next during class time and she happened to be walking along behind me and called me back. As it was during class there was no-one around to provide a distraction and she started quizzing me about the sketch. I was shuffling like f**k on the spot and getting really awkward, but didn't say owt so she couldn't prove anything and gave it up.

 

Got thrown out of home economics during third year for a variety of things. Me and my mate were the only two males in our home economics class for the two standard grade years, so played up a lot. Got chucked out the class one day for holding a dog eating contest (arms behind the back, face in the dish) with some lasagne we'd just made. Had a pastry throwing fight one day, the raging wee teacher wifie calmed it down and sent us to our seats, then went ballistic when she noticed I'd jammed some additional pastry inside a plug socket. Tried to have me suspended, this wee arsehole of an ancient techie teacher who was about five foot came shouting in my face about the threat of consequences, just stood there with my gob shut and he eventually fucked off. That wee decrepit auld c**t is a lifelong Sons fan and can be seen at every Dumbarton home game, helping out as a kind of volunteer club official.

 

There was a fat, heavy metal fan kid who tagged along with our wee group that no-one particularly liked. We figured that as he was a bit of a cadging c**t he'd never say no to a free juice, so we all spat in a can of Coke and one particularly weird wee guy made himself boke into it, then when the guy turned up we offered it to him and he gratefully accepted it. Kids are vile creatures.

 

In second year me and the Cuntdown lad sat together at the back of our history class and over several weeks drew a succession of cocks of various size and detail on the floor, wall, desks, filing cabinet, posters etc, all at the very area we sat at. After some weeks when we were thoroughly surrounded by phalluses, we hit upon the genius idea of removing suspicion by approaching the history teacher at the start of class, looking disgusted and pointing at the cocks. Flawless.

 

Having a bit of a shoving match with a kid in my year one lunchtime it started to get a bit serious as these things do and he charged at me, head down, swing his arms and trying to both headbutt and punch me simultaneously, so I grabbed his head in a headlock and back him into a glass panel beside a door, shattering the glass with his head, at which point we both decided to be somewhere else.

 

My school was right by my house and the kids in our street would have bonfires each October on the ground out front of the school. One evening we were there messing about with fireworks when I hit upon the idea that by balancing a roman candle sideways, propped up by a rock we could aim it at the science classroom windows. The windows it turned out were plastic and charred and melted in places, much like a lighter scarred bus stop.

 

Another night, not bonfire night, we were messing around by the school when we decided to set the big Biffa type bins on fire. The flames caught hold pretty quick so we fucked off sharp, swung by the jannies house as we made our exit, put on innocent faces and said we'd been returning from football training, seen smoke and raced to his house to raise the alarm. Genius.

 

The annex building was next to a raised grass hill which gave great elevations of the windows all along one side of the building. We'd go into the school on summer evenings and stand atop the hill practicing our golf swings by driving balls of the hill and into the building's windows.

 

Buying a gram of speed one day off a kid in my biology class, we snuck to an outbuilding by the main gates at lunchtime to make the exchange as it would by quiet there we thought, just as he slips me the wrap and him the money, a car beeps its horn and his dad waves at him. His aul fella was picking him up early that day for a dentist's appointment and he'd forgotten. Made the exchange look like a really protracted, elaborate handshake and got away with it.

 

A new boys toilet block was built in the main building and within about three months of opening it'd been closed again as it'd been vandalised to f**k (another belting cock by mineself included) and a kid who has since gone to jail several times for stabbing crimes left a 2L bottle filled with fireworks in it as a makeshift bomb.

 

One day in 4th year I hit upon the idea of stealing booze from my step dad, mixing it in a sports bottle with some juice and taking it into school to consume with my pals. This started a bit of a trend amongst the group of drinking during school hours for a short while, culminating in some of them (not me on this occasion) getting chucked out of a vacant R.E room they were drunkenly occupying around fifth period as they'd been drinking lambrusco at lunch.

 

Sure there are others, but that'll do for now.

[milton75]

I think you were brave eating anything made in HE. Anything I cooked there got launched straight in the bin as I was well aware that the sugar was often laced with salt (admittedly often by me and my friends), and so on. A boy called Gary in my year was known to gob in the flour every now and then.

 

I remember we had to make cakes once in 2nd year. A weird girl who smelled like soup was stationed behind us. She made the mistake of telling us that she was making the cakes as a present for her mum. The second her back was turned my mate Kenny emptied the entire bottle of Almond essence into her cake mix and stuck in a bogey for good measure.

Sadly she didn't tell us how the present was received.

 

On the subject of gob and the like, we had fairly low suspended panel ceilings in the boys cloak-room area (the scene of the bag pile-ups). When we were in 2nd or 3rd year, this same Gary as above would sometimes gob greeners onto the ceiling. Pretty rank tbh, but we found this funny.

One day a large one he'd just fired up was a bit too liquid, and started dangling back down, gradually pulling away to drop. Another boy (I think his name was Evan) went underneath it doing a comedy routine of pretending he was going to catch it in his mouth. The obvious happened, and it went straight in. It was easily one of the most disgusting sights I'd seen.

[Sweet Pete]

I think you were brave eating anything made in HE. Anything I cooked there got launched straight in the bin as I was well aware that the sugar was often laced with salt (admittedly often by me and my friends), and so on. A boy called Gary in my year was known to gob in the flour every now and then.

 

I remember we had to make cakes once in 2nd year. A weird girl who smelled like soup was stationed behind us. She made the mistake of telling us that she was making the cakes as a present for her mum. The second her back was turned my mate Kenny emptied the entire bottle of Almond essence into her cake mix and stuck in a bogey for good measure.

Sadly she didn't tell us how the present was received.

 

On the subject of gob and the like, we had fairly low suspended panel ceilings in the boys cloak-room area (the scene of the bag pile-ups). When we were in 2nd or 3rd year, this same Gary as above would sometimes gob greeners onto the ceiling. Pretty rank tbh, but we found this funny.

One day a large one he'd just fired up was a bit too liquid, and started dangling back down, gradually pulling away to drop. Another boy (I think his name was Evan) went underneath it doing a comedy routine of pretending he was going to catch it in his mouth. The obvious happened, and it went straight in. It was easily one of the most disgusting sights I'd seen.

 

I got the dry heave reading that.