Depression

[NJ2]

This week has been a bad one. Every week for months now has been bad but this one has been especially bad. I’ve been struggling to sleep until 3 or 4 am. I’ve been teary. So many reminders came up this week (and next) of things my Dad and I did, or my ex and I did. I’m missing work and my colleagues and know I probably won’t have work again until Oct at the earliest. I’m thinking of starting back on St. John’s Wort to see if they help. 

Keep trying to get out for exercise. Doing more through the day hopefully with sleep, sleep definitely help with wellbeing. The vitamin d supplements advisors are a good shout as well. I take them every day, still try and get out as well, and think they help. Might be a placebo but f**k it.

I'm really struggling. Being stuck in the house for 23+ hours a day with two daughters with autism and additional needs, and a newborn, is taking its toll. Pre-lockdown our days were governed by a strict, military-like routine that keeps our girls happy and settled. All that's went to f**k. They're barely sleeping. They're high as fucking kites all the time. I can feel myself physically recoiling from them (they are very touchy-feely) as I have had literally no time to myself now in nearly two months (grandparents are usually good at giving us some respite but obviously that's not happening right now). My wife is struggling, I'm barely coping, and I'm having to try to work from home and juggle that with childcare of three weans. Our house is a fucking tip, as is our garden as we started doing some work to it before this all happened and now can't get anyone in to finish it.
The only saving grace so far has been when they relaxed the rules to allow families like ours to drive short distances for exercise, as before that we couldn't take them out the house at all (due to our neighbourhood not being very family-friendly). But it's not particularly good enough. Not to mention the looks we are getting from the neighbours for doing it (despite them knowing our circumstances), who are all for giving it big licks every Thursday while having family and friends popping round for barbecues and garden parties during the week.
This fucking sucks. I just want to go back to work, and have my kids go back to school.

Can’t imagine trying to balance all that mate but can say try not to give a f**k what the neighbours think. Let them look down their noses, they still speak out their mouths and shite out their arses like the rest of us so who are they to judge?
Things will get back closer to normal soon enough and we’ll start to get back in to routine. Try not to stress on the garden being a mess, it’ll get sorted when possible. Personally, I find my internal surroundings a mirror of how I’m feeling. The worse I’m coping, the messier things get. Ten minutes just to sort something give me an achievable task and something I can look at and think ‘right, that’s sorted, might not be much but it’s sorted and I can sort something else and get back on track’.
Also, if nothing else use this thread to get it off your chest and a wee breather.

[Thereisalight..]

NJ2, cheers. On Tuesday I did a 7 mile walk, up hills etc and thought I’d sleep really well. Unfortunately I was still awake at 4am . The lockdown couldn’t have came at a worse time. I was already struggling with my break up and then the loss of my Dad. I miss my job. I miss just getting out of town. I miss the football and gigs etc. It’s been a rough 7 months

[AL-FFC]

Was going to post earlier didnt like to feel a burden but this has been a c*nt of a week for me as well, recently lost what was more or less my only family and been struggling since.  Seem to feel each day is like  weighing up the pros and cons to keep going.

[Adam]

I'm really struggling. Being stuck in the house for 23+ hours a day with two daughters with autism and additional needs, and a newborn, is taking its toll. Pre-lockdown our days were governed by a strict, military-like routine that keeps our girls happy and settled. All that's went to f**k. They're barely sleeping. They're high as fucking kites all the time. I can feel myself physically recoiling from them (they are very touchy-feely) as I have had literally no time to myself now in nearly two months (grandparents are usually good at giving us some respite but obviously that's not happening right now). My wife is struggling, I'm barely coping, and I'm having to try to work from home and juggle that with childcare of three weans. Our house is a fucking tip, as is our garden as we started doing some work to it before this all happened and now can't get anyone in to finish it.
The only saving grace so far has been when they relaxed the rules to allow families like ours to drive short distances for exercise, as before that we couldn't take them out the house at all (due to our neighbourhood not being very family-friendly). But it's not particularly good enough. Not to mention the looks we are getting from the neighbours for doing it (despite them knowing our circumstances), who are all for giving it big licks every Thursday while having family and friends popping round for barbecues and garden parties during the week.
This fucking sucks. I just want to go back to work, and have my kids go back to school.

Sorry you’re going through a difficult time Gaz. It must be really tough for you and your wife. Not got any suggestions to help, but would just give the neighbours a good fucking growl the next time they look down their noses at you. Keep the chin up and hopefully things will improve for you and your family soon.

[NJ2]

NJ2, cheers. On Tuesday I did a 7 mile walk, up hills etc and thought I’d sleep really well. Unfortunately I was still awake at 4am [emoji20]. The lockdown couldn’t have came at a worse time. I was already struggling with my break up and then the loss of my Dad. I miss my job. I miss just getting out of town. I miss the football and gigs etc. It’s been a rough 7 months

Keep at the walking and exercise and it’ll tire you out. Helps clear the head for a period of time as well (or does for me anyway)

Was going to post earlier didnt like to feel a burden but this has been a c*nt of a week for me as well, recently lost what was more or less my only family and been struggling since.  Seem to feel each day is like  weighing up the pros and cons to keep going.

You’re never burdening anyone posting on this thread mate.
Sorry for your loss, there’s no right or wrong way to deal with it but don’t compound yourself with guilt for grieving as many of us do. Each day is a battle, but we’ll only get to the good days (which will come) if we keep going. Just because we’re struggling doesn’t mean we’re failing.

[DA Baracus]

I can't listen to a lot of songs from certain periods.

They're from periods that I missed and destroyed. I can't handle how much I fucked up.

I'm sure I've told this boring, tedious story before. I fucked up my chances at university due to severe mental health issues. Means I have zero qualifications. Also lost loads of friends and other things.

I only ever wanted to be a footballer when I was younger. I knew I was decent but my shyness/anxiety held me back. By this I mean that I shat it in when I wasn't playing with friends. I did the same in school. I know, this doesn't tally with my belief of me being decent. I know I was because I played against folk who were of a level, and far above many who had a trial at a decent level, whilst being a kid who was fit but had a shite diet and could easily have had improved that big time. 

Sadly my first time at uni broke me. I lost my confidence and then was lost in shite call centre jobs. I was scared of my dad in these times, by which I mean I thought I'd be kicked out and made homeless.

Obviously that was nonsense but the truth is I wasn't able to speak to him about my issues. I started to comfort eat, and it became a growing addiction which I struggle with to this day.

I lost 3 years of my life until I went back to uni. I went to Aberdeen because it was the furthest away I could afford. I made loads of great friends there. I lost them all. I also fucked up a huge opportunity. I spent 5 years struggling and hiding with severe mental health problems. I lost big time.

I had to move back with my parents. They hated me being there. I hated it more. Lost more years.

Moved to Dundee. Somehow it's 5 years plus on. 

I have been millimeters from suicide on more than one occasion. I have written multiple suicide notes. I have made multiple plans for my funeral.

I have coasted for years. I have become increasingly fat. I am ashamed every time I step outside my front door, and have been since about 2003. I have been single since 2010 because of this. I have wanted to die for a long time.

I have plans to improve. I have had them for a long time. Sadly my food addiction gets in the way. I think I might actually finally be close to beating it.

Sadly I feel I am far too late. 

I feel I am not an attractive man. I feel I will struggle to attract someone. I know that I need to lose loads of weight. That is another year of my life gone. Even then I will struggle to find someone as I am just not an attractive guy.

I want to have a family. I feel that it is too late as I won't ever be able to attract someone young enough.

I feel that I have let my entire family down. Of my 2 siblings, I am the only one who can have kids (ask me for details if you wish). My stupid c**t brain has annihilated my chances. I only have a very small chance of it now.

Since my father's cancer diagnosis I feel increasingly that I am letting him down.

 

I just feel so sad and helpless and feel close to death. It's the easy way, not just for me.

 

[Thereisalight..]

16 minutes ago, DA Baracus said:

I can't listen to a lot of songs from certain periods.

They're from periods that I missed and destroyed. I can't handle how much I fucked up.

I'm sure I've told this boring, tedious story before. I fucked up my chances at university due to severe mental health issues. Means I have zero qualifications. Also lost loads of friends and other things.

I only ever wanted to be a footballer when I was younger. I knew I was decent but my shyness/anxiety held me back. By this I mean that I shat it in when I wasn't playing with friends. I did the same in school. I know, this doesn't tally with my belief of me being decent. I know I was because I played against folk who were of a level, and far above many who had a trial at a decent level, whilst being a kid who was fit but had a shite diet and could easily have had improved that big time. 

Sadly my first time at uni broke me. I lost my confidence and then was lost in shite call centre jobs. I was scared of my dad in these times, by which I mean I thought I'd be kicked out and made homeless.

Obviously that was nonsense but the truth is I wasn't able to speak to him about my issues. I started to comfort eat, and it became a growing addiction which I struggle with to this day.

I lost 3 years of my life until I went back to uni. I went to Aberdeen because it was the furthest away I could afford. I made loads of great friends there. I lost them all. I also fucked up a huge opportunity. I spent 5 years struggling and hiding with severe mental health problems. I lost big time.

I had to move back with my parents. They hated me being there. I hated it more. Lost more years.

Moved to Dundee. Somehow it's 5 years plus on. 

I have been millimeters from suicide on more than one occasion. I have written multiple suicide notes. I have made multiple plans for my funeral.

I have coasted for years. I have become increasingly fat. I am ashamed every time I step outside my front door, and have been since about 2003. I have been single since 2010 because of this. I have wanted to die for a long time.

I have plans to improve. I have had them for a long time. Sadly my food addiction gets in the way. I think I might actually finally be close to beating it.

Sadly I feel I am far too late. 

I feel I am not an attractive man. I feel I will struggle to attract someone. I know that I need to lose loads of weight. That is another year of my life gone. Even then I will struggle to find someone as I am just not an attractive guy.

I want to have a family. I feel that it is too late as I won't ever be able to attract someone young enough.

I feel that I have let my entire family down. Of my 2 siblings, I am the only one who can have kids (ask me for details if you wish). My stupid c**t brain has annihilated my chances. I only have a very small chance of it now.

Since my father's cancer diagnosis I feel increasingly that I am letting him down.

 

I just feel so sad and helpless and feel close to death. It's the easy way, not just for me.

 

Sorry to hear all that. Sounds like life and circumstance has dealt you a shit deck of cards. I feel that way about me as well. I plan my death in my head every day. It’s a horrible way to live.  You should go out walking each day, now is the perfect time and you’ll shift the weight in no time at all. Not every woman I see looking for the “male model” type. I know plenty of girls who are with average Joe guys (looks wise), but they are good guys with good morals and a good heart. Those things are way more important that having eye candy. 

[harkinsbaldpatch]

I can't listen to a lot of songs from certain periods.
They're from periods that I missed and destroyed. I can't handle how much I fucked up.
I'm sure I've told this boring, tedious story before. I fucked up my chances at university due to severe mental health issues. Means I have zero qualifications. Also lost loads of friends and other things.
I only ever wanted to be a footballer when I was younger. I knew I was decent but my shyness/anxiety held me back. By this I mean that I shat it in when I wasn't playing with friends. I did the same in school. I know, this doesn't tally with my belief of me being decent. I know I was because I played against folk who were of a level, and far above many who had a trial at a decent level, whilst being a kid who was fit but had a shite diet and could easily have had improved that big time. 
Sadly my first time at uni broke me. I lost my confidence and then was lost in shite call centre jobs. I was scared of my dad in these times, by which I mean I thought I'd be kicked out and made homeless.
Obviously that was nonsense but the truth is I wasn't able to speak to him about my issues. I started to comfort eat, and it became a growing addiction which I struggle with to this day.
I lost 3 years of my life until I went back to uni. I went to Aberdeen because it was the furthest away I could afford. I made loads of great friends there. I lost them all. I also fucked up a huge opportunity. I spent 5 years struggling and hiding with severe mental health problems. I lost big time.
I had to move back with my parents. They hated me being there. I hated it more. Lost more years.
Moved to Dundee. Somehow it's 5 years plus on. 
I have been millimeters from suicide on more than one occasion. I have written multiple suicide notes. I have made multiple plans for my funeral.
I have coasted for years. I have become increasingly fat. I am ashamed every time I step outside my front door, and have been since about 2003. I have been single since 2010 because of this. I have wanted to die for a long time.
I have plans to improve. I have had them for a long time. Sadly my food addiction gets in the way. I think I might actually finally be close to beating it.
Sadly I feel I am far too late. 
I feel I am not an attractive man. I feel I will struggle to attract someone. I know that I need to lose loads of weight. That is another year of my life gone. Even then I will struggle to find someone as I am just not an attractive guy.
I want to have a family. I feel that it is too late as I won't ever be able to attract someone young enough.
I feel that I have let my entire family down. Of my 2 siblings, I am the only one who can have kids (ask me for details if you wish). My stupid c**t brain has annihilated my chances. I only have a very small chance of it now.
Since my father's cancer diagnosis I feel increasingly that I am letting him down.
 
I just feel so sad and helpless and feel close to death. It's the easy way, not just for me.
 

If you ever need someone to talk to just private message mate , the brain is a complex motherfucker and my head is pickled most days but I just want you to know that your an important person in this world and there is someone out there for you, take care and here for you mate.

[Raidernation]

DA you can pm me any time, biggest step is telling someone

[NJ2]

I can't listen to a lot of songs from certain periods.
They're from periods that I missed and destroyed. I can't handle how much I fucked up.
I'm sure I've told this boring, tedious story before. I fucked up my chances at university due to severe mental health issues. Means I have zero qualifications. Also lost loads of friends and other things.
I only ever wanted to be a footballer when I was younger. I knew I was decent but my shyness/anxiety held me back. By this I mean that I shat it in when I wasn't playing with friends. I did the same in school. I know, this doesn't tally with my belief of me being decent. I know I was because I played against folk who were of a level, and far above many who had a trial at a decent level, whilst being a kid who was fit but had a shite diet and could easily have had improved that big time. 
Sadly my first time at uni broke me. I lost my confidence and then was lost in shite call centre jobs. I was scared of my dad in these times, by which I mean I thought I'd be kicked out and made homeless.
Obviously that was nonsense but the truth is I wasn't able to speak to him about my issues. I started to comfort eat, and it became a growing addiction which I struggle with to this day.
I lost 3 years of my life until I went back to uni. I went to Aberdeen because it was the furthest away I could afford. I made loads of great friends there. I lost them all. I also fucked up a huge opportunity. I spent 5 years struggling and hiding with severe mental health problems. I lost big time.
I had to move back with my parents. They hated me being there. I hated it more. Lost more years.
Moved to Dundee. Somehow it's 5 years plus on. 
I have been millimeters from suicide on more than one occasion. I have written multiple suicide notes. I have made multiple plans for my funeral.
I have coasted for years. I have become increasingly fat. I am ashamed every time I step outside my front door, and have been since about 2003. I have been single since 2010 because of this. I have wanted to die for a long time.
I have plans to improve. I have had them for a long time. Sadly my food addiction gets in the way. I think I might actually finally be close to beating it.
Sadly I feel I am far too late. 
I feel I am not an attractive man. I feel I will struggle to attract someone. I know that I need to lose loads of weight. That is another year of my life gone. Even then I will struggle to find someone as I am just not an attractive guy.
I want to have a family. I feel that it is too late as I won't ever be able to attract someone young enough.
I feel that I have let my entire family down. Of my 2 siblings, I am the only one who can have kids (ask me for details if you wish). My stupid c**t brain has annihilated my chances. I only have a very small chance of it now.
Since my father's cancer diagnosis I feel increasingly that I am letting him down.
 
I just feel so sad and helpless and feel close to death. It's the easy way, not just for me.
 

I can't listen to a lot of songs from certain periods.
They're from periods that I missed and destroyed. I can't handle how much I fucked up.
I'm sure I've told this boring, tedious story before. I fucked up my chances at university due to severe mental health issues. Means I have zero qualifications. Also lost loads of friends and other things.
I only ever wanted to be a footballer when I was younger. I knew I was decent but my shyness/anxiety held me back. By this I mean that I shat it in when I wasn't playing with friends. I did the same in school. I know, this doesn't tally with my belief of me being decent. I know I was because I played against folk who were of a level, and far above many who had a trial at a decent level, whilst being a kid who was fit but had a shite diet and could easily have had improved that big time. 
Sadly my first time at uni broke me. I lost my confidence and then was lost in shite call centre jobs. I was scared of my dad in these times, by which I mean I thought I'd be kicked out and made homeless.
Obviously that was nonsense but the truth is I wasn't able to speak to him about my issues. I started to comfort eat, and it became a growing addiction which I struggle with to this day.
I lost 3 years of my life until I went back to uni. I went to Aberdeen because it was the furthest away I could afford. I made loads of great friends there. I lost them all. I also fucked up a huge opportunity. I spent 5 years struggling and hiding with severe mental health problems. I lost big time.
I had to move back with my parents. They hated me being there. I hated it more. Lost more years.
Moved to Dundee. Somehow it's 5 years plus on. 
I have been millimeters from suicide on more than one occasion. I have written multiple suicide notes. I have made multiple plans for my funeral.
I have coasted for years. I have become increasingly fat. I am ashamed every time I step outside my front door, and have been since about 2003. I have been single since 2010 because of this. I have wanted to die for a long time.
I have plans to improve. I have had them for a long time. Sadly my food addiction gets in the way. I think I might actually finally be close to beating it.
Sadly I feel I am far too late. 
I feel I am not an attractive man. I feel I will struggle to attract someone. I know that I need to lose loads of weight. That is another year of my life gone. Even then I will struggle to find someone as I am just not an attractive guy.
I want to have a family. I feel that it is too late as I won't ever be able to attract someone young enough.
I feel that I have let my entire family down. Of my 2 siblings, I am the only one who can have kids (ask me for details if you wish). My stupid c**t brain has annihilated my chances. I only have a very small chance of it now.
Since my father's cancer diagnosis I feel increasingly that I am letting him down.
 
I just feel so sad and helpless and feel close to death. It's the easy way, not just for me.
 

I can't listen to a lot of songs from certain periods.
They're from periods that I missed and destroyed. I can't handle how much I fucked up.
I'm sure I've told this boring, tedious story before. I fucked up my chances at university due to severe mental health issues. Means I have zero qualifications. Also lost loads of friends and other things.
I only ever wanted to be a footballer when I was younger. I knew I was decent but my shyness/anxiety held me back. By this I mean that I shat it in when I wasn't playing with friends. I did the same in school. I know, this doesn't tally with my belief of me being decent. I know I was because I played against folk who were of a level, and far above many who had a trial at a decent level, whilst being a kid who was fit but had a shite diet and could easily have had improved that big time. 
Sadly my first time at uni broke me. I lost my confidence and then was lost in shite call centre jobs. I was scared of my dad in these times, by which I mean I thought I'd be kicked out and made homeless.
Obviously that was nonsense but the truth is I wasn't able to speak to him about my issues. I started to comfort eat, and it became a growing addiction which I struggle with to this day.
I lost 3 years of my life until I went back to uni. I went to Aberdeen because it was the furthest away I could afford. I made loads of great friends there. I lost them all. I also fucked up a huge opportunity. I spent 5 years struggling and hiding with severe mental health problems. I lost big time.
I had to move back with my parents. They hated me being there. I hated it more. Lost more years.
Moved to Dundee. Somehow it's 5 years plus on. 
I have been millimeters from suicide on more than one occasion. I have written multiple suicide notes. I have made multiple plans for my funeral.
I have coasted for years. I have become increasingly fat. I am ashamed every time I step outside my front door, and have been since about 2003. I have been single since 2010 because of this. I have wanted to die for a long time.
I have plans to improve. I have had them for a long time. Sadly my food addiction gets in the way. I think I might actually finally be close to beating it.
Sadly I feel I am far too late. 
I feel I am not an attractive man. I feel I will struggle to attract someone. I know that I need to lose loads of weight. That is another year of my life gone. Even then I will struggle to find someone as I am just not an attractive guy.
I want to have a family. I feel that it is too late as I won't ever be able to attract someone young enough.
I feel that I have let my entire family down. Of my 2 siblings, I am the only one who can have kids (ask me for details if you wish). My stupid c**t brain has annihilated my chances. I only have a very small chance of it now.
Since my father's cancer diagnosis I feel increasingly that I am letting him down.
 
I just feel so sad and helpless and feel close to death. It's the easy way, not just for me.
 

You haven’t ruined anything mate and you can’t blame yourself for things not in your control.
You think you’re close to beating the food addiction so keep working at that and you’ll get there. Also don’t lose sight of the fact that you’ve managed to come through all that you have, being strong and self aware is a pretty decent start point mate, keep your head up and keep fighting the good fight.

[Raidernation]

Aaaaargh!!!!!!!!

There’s a reason I’m in sober living and a connection to why I’m not going to be going back “home” to the house I had with my stepdaughters ( which is too long to go into here but some of you may be familiar)

Tonight I stopped in to get me mail, oldest s-d was there and I now know the meaning of “icy stare”

Has ffucking depressed me no end because I genuinely thought things we’re getting better but it seems that’s not the case.

Been have a decent few weeks but I’m feeling very like I’ve just been kicked in the baws repeatedly (metaphorically)

Ffuck this shit

[Jacksgranda]

Keep on keeping on, Rn, keep on keeping on.

[Dons_1988]

On 03/05/2020 at 01:13, DA Baracus said:

I can't listen to a lot of songs from certain periods.

They're from periods that I missed and destroyed. I can't handle how much I fucked up.

I'm sure I've told this boring, tedious story before. I fucked up my chances at university due to severe mental health issues. Means I have zero qualifications. Also lost loads of friends and other things.

I only ever wanted to be a footballer when I was younger. I knew I was decent but my shyness/anxiety held me back. By this I mean that I shat it in when I wasn't playing with friends. I did the same in school. I know, this doesn't tally with my belief of me being decent. I know I was because I played against folk who were of a level, and far above many who had a trial at a decent level, whilst being a kid who was fit but had a shite diet and could easily have had improved that big time. 

Sadly my first time at uni broke me. I lost my confidence and then was lost in shite call centre jobs. I was scared of my dad in these times, by which I mean I thought I'd be kicked out and made homeless.

Obviously that was nonsense but the truth is I wasn't able to speak to him about my issues. I started to comfort eat, and it became a growing addiction which I struggle with to this day.

I lost 3 years of my life until I went back to uni. I went to Aberdeen because it was the furthest away I could afford. I made loads of great friends there. I lost them all. I also fucked up a huge opportunity. I spent 5 years struggling and hiding with severe mental health problems. I lost big time.

I had to move back with my parents. They hated me being there. I hated it more. Lost more years.

Moved to Dundee. Somehow it's 5 years plus on. 

I have been millimeters from suicide on more than one occasion. I have written multiple suicide notes. I have made multiple plans for my funeral.

I have coasted for years. I have become increasingly fat. I am ashamed every time I step outside my front door, and have been since about 2003. I have been single since 2010 because of this. I have wanted to die for a long time.

I have plans to improve. I have had them for a long time. Sadly my food addiction gets in the way. I think I might actually finally be close to beating it.

Sadly I feel I am far too late. 

I feel I am not an attractive man. I feel I will struggle to attract someone. I know that I need to lose loads of weight. That is another year of my life gone. Even then I will struggle to find someone as I am just not an attractive guy.

I want to have a family. I feel that it is too late as I won't ever be able to attract someone young enough.

I feel that I have let my entire family down. Of my 2 siblings, I am the only one who can have kids (ask me for details if you wish). My stupid c**t brain has annihilated my chances. I only have a very small chance of it now.

Since my father's cancer diagnosis I feel increasingly that I am letting him down.

 

I just feel so sad and helpless and feel close to death. It's the easy way, not just for me.

 

Very saddening reading this and chimes a lot with what I went through in the past.

You've had a horrible time but I don't think you're going to make progress until you find a way to forgive yourself and accept where you are now. I remember being badly overweight, looking in the mirror and having that conversation with myself.

I'd see a fat man, tired eyes, broken, looking back at me. 'Look at you, you fucking disgusting mess, you did that to yourself and you're too pathetic to fix it'. 

Your past isn't you, you can take all that cumulative pain and put it to good use. Your brain is like muscle, it might be weaker now but with discipline, determination and patience you can strengthen it. It doesn't take as long as you think. My mind healed faster than the body, and once I had that momentum the body wasn't far behind.

You have to forgive yourself though (not that you necessarily need forgiveness for things you have seemingly suffered, not committed, but I know how convincing that self flagellation is), otherwise it will continue to prevent you from progressing. 

[DA Baracus]

Feeling totally trapped. I hate my job. It's a shitty office job and I just hate sitting around all day. It's boring and life sapping. Working from home has made it much better but they're already discussing plans for going back to the office. I despise the office.

I can't see a way out of the situation. Without any qualifications my only options are crappy office jobs or retail, and I hate both. Feel like I'm stuck on an endless cycle of doing shit all day that I hate. Just feels like a huge waste of time and a total waste of my life.

Yes, I can get qualifications, and am trying, but that's 5 years away. I don't think I can handle 5 more months of office work, let alone 5 years. I want to  do something that interests, or at the very least something I don't hate. But there aren't any options for that. I'm trapped and it's really starting to drag me down. Saturday night was just a sort of spilling out of things bubbling over. 

We work far too long anyway (8 hours a day 5 days a week is a fucking nonsense) and then add in travel time and I feel I have almost no time for myself, and all for a meaningless bullshit job that I don't care about at all. I want to be outside, moving, not stuck doing the same boring, dull shit all the time. But I'm not seeing a way out 

[Thereisalight..]

Today I started on Vitamin D tablets, and I’ve started taking St Johns Wort again. Hopefully they’ll help 

[D.A.F.C]

Feeling totally trapped. I hate my job. It's a shitty office job and I just hate sitting around all day. It's boring and life sapping. Working from home has made it much better but they're already discussing plans for going back to the office. I despise the office.
I can't see a way out of the situation. Without any qualifications my only options are crappy office jobs or retail, and I hate both. Feel like I'm stuck on an endless cycle of doing shit all day that I hate. Just feels like a huge waste of time and a total waste of my life.
Yes, I can get qualifications, and am trying, but that's 5 years away. I don't think I can handle 5 more months of office work, let alone 5 years. I want to  do something that interests, or at the very least something I don't hate. But there aren't any options for that. I'm trapped and it's really starting to drag me down. Saturday night was just a sort of spilling out of things bubbling over. 
We work far too long anyway (8 hours a day 5 days a week is a fucking nonsense) and then add in travel time and I feel I have almost no time for myself, and all for a meaningless bullshit job that I don't care about at all. I want to be outside, moving, not stuck doing the same boring, dull shit all the time. But I'm not seeing a way out 

How about some sort of manual labour job or inbetween like a factory or warehouse?

Where i work theres stores guys who have it pretty cushy. Mixture of stock control and a bit of warehouse work. It gets you up and about but you get a couple of hours at a desk at least a day.
Once in that you can specialise in certain areas like shipping or dealing with freight companies so it's not all just lumping boxes around.

Manual labour all day is good at first but working with an injury sucks. Ideal summer job.

I really still dont know my ideal job, I like manufacturing but it's totally underpaid and unappreciated in this country unless you work in oil or a specialist area. What usually ruins it for me is bawbag management and narcissistic bullying behaviour. I find that speaking your mind and having the companies best interests tends to mess up progression bizarrely.
Being a selfish nodding dog who acts as a step ladder to dick managers gets rewarded. Not all companies are like this but i need a level of trust and honesty which is sadly lacking from most managers I've worked with.
f**k off with your CCTV, monitoring, knicker wetting at a minute over break time type nonsense. Especially when they are getting paid twice your salary to have pointless meetings all day when all that achieves is mud slinging and protecting your back.
This is why bosses want workers to be at work and not at home, power and mistrust.

[NJ2]

Aaaaargh!!!!!!!!

There’s a reason I’m in sober living and a connection to why I’m not going to be going back “home” to the house I had with my stepdaughters ( which is too long to go into here but some of you may be familiar)

Tonight I stopped in to get me mail, oldest s-d was there and I now know the meaning of “icy stare”

Has ffucking depressed me no end because I genuinely thought things we’re getting better but it seems that’s not the case.

Been have a decent few weeks but I’m feeling very like I’ve just been kicked in the baws repeatedly (metaphorically)

Ffuck this shit

Can’t be easy mate. She’ll no sooner forgive you if you just hit the f**k it button though, remember that. The longer you’re sober and stable, then you’re there for her when she feels ready.
She’d maybe just been having a shite day or you caught her at the wrong time, doesn’t make it any nicer for you I realise but the main thing is to keep doing what you’re doing and you’ll get there.

[Thereisalight..]

3 hours ago, oaksoft said:

For those taking either Vitamin D or St John's Wort, please be careful and seek the advice of your GP first.

It is possible to overdose on vitamin D and there can be problems using St John's Wort.

https://www.nhs.uk/news/mental-health/st-johns-wort-for-depression/

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/vitamins-and-minerals/vitamin-d/

 

Thanks for that

[Thereisalight..]

Today I set off on a hill walk and ended up doing 13 miles as I took a wrong turning. I’ve came home and ate like a pig, so swings and roundabouts! 

[Thereisalight..]

2 hours ago, oaksoft said:

I've been thinking about your recent posts all day and I thought I might tell you a wee story of how I overcame this fucking horrible thing many years ago.

This might help you. It might come across as a bit patronising but I'll tell you it anyway. I honestly can't recall whether someone told me this or whether I thought it through myself but here goes.....

I came to visualise that I was comprised of 3 people. There was what I considered to be typical me in the middle - gormless and easily influenced but otherwise harmless. Then on my left shoulder was a small imaginary girl called Alice who spoke into my left ear and on my right a small imaginary boy called Bob who spoke into my right ear.

Alice was always positive but not in an unrealistic way. She was the one who told me I could graduate from university, get the PhD, get a great career, move to London, run my own business, buy my own house, find a nice woman to share my life with and achieve pretty much whatever I wanted to achieve. Want a new job? Dust off your CV and send out a few every day to targetted jobs. Forget about how long it will take. Eventually you'll get a response and move on. You only need one company to say yes. She was responsible for me getting out of bed every day with positivity, hope, energy and a focus on making today a great day even if that day was spent  relaxing on a beach or a few hours extra in bed listening to the radio.

Bob was a c**t. See if this sounds familiar.
Bob was the sort of guy we've all met in real life. He's the one who'll pour poisonous negative shite into your ear for apparently no reason other than to stop me being happy and leaving him behind. Want to graduate from uni? You do realise most people don't graduate at all right? And those who do only end up as glorified shelf stackers? Great career? Fucking do me a favour - you'll be lucky to get a decent job at all amongst all those who got better grades. Move to London? Have you seen the prices of housing? You'll have to live in a shithole, your flatmates will be a nightmare, everyone will steal your food and nobody talks to each other anyway. New job? With your CV? f**k's sake, don't make me laugh. Everyone else will get the nod ahead of you. You want a girlfriend? With that fat gut? You're the ugly as f**k. This is a pipe dream. A day at the beach? And let everyone else get even further ahead of you? Face it, you're a nothing more than a dreamer. How are you going to feel after you've spent years chasing a dream and then failing anyway? Be more like me. I'm realistic not a day dreaming idiot. Aw FFS, stop snivelling and go and get another pizza from Domino's. That'll cheer you up.

Recognise that guy?

Now for years I coudn't articulate this buzzing of unconstructed thoughts spinning around in my head. All I knew was that I was constantly stressed and exhausted by it. Alice would constantly come up with great exciting ideas and within seconds, this miserable c**t Bob would pipe up and piss all over it.

Nowadays I can see both of them for what they are. Bob had to go and I did it by asking him some simple questions.

"OK Bob. What makes you think I'll fail at uni? I have very good school grades, a good work ethic and a real interest in the subject. I know how to study and pass exams as well as anyone else. What I am specifically lacking which other students have?"

Once I had thought that out it was the same pattern for the rest.......

"What the hell is wrong with you Bob? One minute you are bollocking me for having no friends because I work all hours and the next you're bollocking for taking one day off to go to the beach. Pick one."

"Why would being fat stop me getting a girlfriend? Have a look around. We're at Ikea. Count the number of blokes walking past who have stomachs overhanging their belts. 7 or 8 out of ever 10 right? Now how many of them have partners? 5 or 6 of them? And how many of them would I rather be than myself in terms of looks or the way they dress? Fucking none right? Good girls who are worth settling down with don't give much of a f**k about how guys look. They are much more likely to be put off by the black fucking cloud of self pity you've stuck over my head. f**k off, you're cramping my style"

Essentially it boils down to this. If you physically had someone in your life who behaved like Alice, you'd keep them close, go drinking with them and form a lifelong bond of friendship.

If you had a real person like Bob you'd dump him like yesterday's kippers.

I found that talking to these two imaginary people was transformative. Took a wee while but the important here was taking the keys off Bob and letting Alice take the wheel more often. That's the first lesson about taking control of your life and it's so important. The rest of it is just time. Stop worrying about how long things will take and start appreciating that the journey through life is important but the destinations are not. You're building a story for your deathbed. It's not the degree or PhD certificate, it's the joy of going through the process of getting them. It's not finding the life partner but enjoying the time you spend together. It's not getting the career but the things you do which are meaningful to you during your working life.

Hope this helps.

That made a lot of sense. Thanks for taking the time to post that. It’s appreciated