Depression

[Swampy]

DAFC, good post. Your "friends" sound awful, though, and I think that by trying to reconnect with them you're opening yourself up for more pain. That doesn't mean connecting with other people is a bad idea. Quite the opposite. But these ones, I'd leave in the past. There are better people out there for you

[Guest The Phoenix]

Holy shit, DAFC, all that and a Pars Fan!

Seriously though, I hope today proves to be a turning point in your life.

All the very best.

TP.

[cracowjambo]

Just read through this entire thread and its given me the courage to finally talk about what I've been living through secretly for at least ten years.

At high school I was really happy and had lots of friends and was popular, life seemed easier and when I was around 13/14 I started going around with a different group of friends more often. For whatever reason one or two of them conspired behind my back and made up lies about how I told someone not to fight back when one of them was fighting them. I was mates with this other person but this was an outright lie. Outside school I was attacked without warning by one of my so called friends and all the rest backed them up. For about three or four weeks I had to put up with abuse and my life was hell. I've always been quite quiet and didn't really respond and try to find out why and who did this. After I while they let me pal about with them again but it was never the same, they were quiet aggressive towards other groups who I used to be friendly with so there was slowly only one group I could hang about with. I went about with them after school for a while but looking back the friendship seemed toxic and when we were out I was always drinking loads and taking drugs to try and cover up this and stop me from being so quiet.

It was around this time that I wised up and realised that the friendships were really one sided, apart from one or two friends. I started hanging about with them more but unfortunately they both left and joined the armed forces and I lost contact due to this and working shifts and weekends.

I started to stay in at the weekends drinking heavily and stopping exercise, I guess it was then that my depression really stared. I went from one dead end job to the next. I ended up at the same place as one of the original group of friends and not only did he ignore me I noticed him laughing and talking about me with others at a table. Mind you by this time I was quite fat and I didn't really give a shit about my appearance.

I also had to out up with a few ex friends pissed up at a football pub at was at with my old man and they started taking the piss.

After the third company in a row shut down, a week after I finally got a full time contract, I managed to land my first decent job in over five years.

I was determined to make a go of this job and really tried hard to get along with my new colleagues. Unfortunately my boss had other ideas and began a five year cycle of abuse and torment. Little by little I would again see colleagues turn against me for no apparent reason. I had no clue as to what was happening until I looked up a bullying site and it was almost like looking in a mirror. I started following their ideas and documented everything for over six months then as soon as I approached them about it they ran to hr and complained about me. I had to face the md and hr, who was basically the bullies friend, taking pot shots at me and calling me paranoid, even though I had written evidence and even one recording of them at it. I was told either to shut up or I would be sacked.

After five years of this and it realising that it was making me ill I had to leave.

Looking back it wasn't the jibes and put downs that were hurtful it was the outright lies and seeing decent people suddenly become enablers just to fit in and start the cycle of bullying. I did manage to tell one new start about what was really going on and the helped me immensely. I also had to get help from my family who helped me deal with it. I used to come home and just sit and feel terrible, sometimes I was close to tears and one day having tea with my mum and dad I just borked down and had to tell them about it.

From this low I started exercising and lost three stone, I also stopped drinking pretty much. Despite me losing three stone the arsehole boss decided that it was just a baggy jumper. On top of this his sidekick left and I took on at least half of his tasks and did them well, despite getting abused and sabotaged.

I managed to get out of there and moved into a new job and a new house. Unfortunately my new neighbours were weirdos and had a dispute with the previous owners and were still taking it out on me. I have had to suffer them banging about and complaining about stupid stuff since I moved in but recently it has got better.

One day when I was again spending a Saturday night on my own I was watching a film and part of the plot was about death. I suddenly had a panic attack and realised that for the last ten years or so I have been locking myself away from society instead of facing up to what one or two arseholes have done to me over the years.

I got back in contact with my original friends and little by little I managed to get back on contact. I sent a really heartfelt message to two of them, one of which was the person I suspected of lying all these years ago, and they completely ignored it.

Eventually I managed to meet up with them and had a quite uncomfortable night at a concert where one of them openly said that they didn't want to sit near me and another tried to make out I was gay or something.

Not all of them were like this though so I continued to try to prove myself with them despite this. This was around a year ago and I can count on one hand the times I have been out with them. I went out once or twice with work colleagues and had a much better time with almost complete strangers, I think this says it all.

I think I need to speak to a professional about how to deal with the last ten years and maybe how to trust people again. I know that it was just bad luck but sometimes I get really introspective and down and start to think that somehow it must be me, like because I'm quiet and have decent manners that people just take advantage and walk all over me. Because of the bullying I can now see it coming a mile away and have nipped it in the bud straight away. I realise that people abuse others because they are insecure themselves and it is a sign of weakness.

I have never been diagnosed for depression but I was incredibly withdrawn from society, apart from work and family for around ten years. Sometimes I feel angry and disgusted about why I let this happen but can't really talk to anyone about it. Part of me wants to be normal and go out every weekend but usually my negative side wins and tells me to stop trying to contact these people as you keep getting hurt, like some sort of self defence mechanism.

I did actually think about physically attacking one of them as in my mind they were responsible for ruining a large part of my life. Maybe I do need to confront them, but why would any other friends care now?

It certainly pisses me off and I think about it at least once or twice a day, every day.

I'm guessing that this tone comes across in a lot of my posts on here.

I just wish that I could flick a switch and stop thinking about it and find a decent group of people who can appreciate me for who I am, I get on fine with work colleagues but they all have their own lives and I am scared of opening up to them.

I've thought about Internet dating etc but always feel like I'm not ready or perhaps someone would run a mile if a told them what I've been through.

All I know is that since the panic attack I know myself that something isn't right with staying in and wasting more time.

Sorry if this is a big read but I wondered what others might think about this situation.

I don't feel suicidal or anything just constantly annoyed and this takes a lot of energy out of me and I get highs and lows as a result.

Why did you go back to your mates if they messed your life up before? Just concentrate on the positives and try make a few decent friends. If you do online dating and you tell someone about your depression and they dont message you back it does not matter you move on

[harkinsbaldpatch]

I feel the lowest when i wake up. I never wake up feeling good, as the day goes on i do get better. I have came off the setraline i was on, dont feel any difference coming off it.

[paranoid android]

I feel the lowest when i wake up. I never wake up feeling good, as the day goes on i do get better. I have came off the setraline i was on, dont feel any difference coming off it.

Might be an idea to make an appointment with your doc to let them know you've come off the meds, mate - can't do any harm, can it?

[DAFC]

Thanks for the positive comments, it really took quite an effort to admit that and it did feel cathartic.

I agree about giving up with trying to get in contact with friends, I really need to move on and forget about it but part of me wants to prove myself and show them up for the lying and backstabbing. I don't think this is healthy though and thinking about it it has made me miserable as it eats way at you.

Focusing on the positives is good, I have several interests and hobbies and will try to pursue that avenue with others. Having something in common must be a starting point hopefully.

[Swampy]

Spot-fucking-on, all of it. The best revenge is living well. Leave those assholes in the dust

[harkinsbaldpatch]

Might be an idea to make an appointment with your doc to let them know you've come off the meds, mate - can't do any harm, can it?

Yeah i agree, doctor wasnt really happy i was on them in the first place as there has been links between the tablets and heart complications. I think my neighbours not being in for a few weeks has helped big style, its how i deal with them coming back after getting so used to having peace and quiet that worries me

[ForeverSinging]

Just read through this entire thread and its given me the courage to finally talk about what I've been living through secretly for at least ten years.

At high school I was really happy and had lots of friends and was popular, life seemed easier and when I was around 13/14 I started going around with a different group of friends more often. For whatever reason one or two of them conspired behind my back and made up lies about how I told someone not to fight back when one of them was fighting them. I was mates with this other person but this was an outright lie. Outside school I was attacked without warning by one of my so called friends and all the rest backed them up. For about three or four weeks I had to put up with abuse and my life was hell. I've always been quite quiet and didn't really respond and try to find out why and who did this. After I while they let me pal about with them again but it was never the same, they were quiet aggressive towards other groups who I used to be friendly with so there was slowly only one group I could hang about with. I went about with them after school for a while but looking back the friendship seemed toxic and when we were out I was always drinking loads and taking drugs to try and cover up this and stop me from being so quiet.

It was around this time that I wised up and realised that the friendships were really one sided, apart from one or two friends. I started hanging about with them more but unfortunately they both left and joined the armed forces and I lost contact due to this and working shifts and weekends.

I started to stay in at the weekends drinking heavily and stopping exercise, I guess it was then that my depression really stared. I went from one dead end job to the next. I ended up at the same place as one of the original group of friends and not only did he ignore me I noticed him laughing and talking about me with others at a table. Mind you by this time I was quite fat and I didn't really give a shit about my appearance.

I also had to out up with a few ex friends pissed up at a football pub at was at with my old man and they started taking the piss.

After the third company in a row shut down, a week after I finally got a full time contract, I managed to land my first decent job in over five years.

I was determined to make a go of this job and really tried hard to get along with my new colleagues. Unfortunately my boss had other ideas and began a five year cycle of abuse and torment. Little by little I would again see colleagues turn against me for no apparent reason. I had no clue as to what was happening until I looked up a bullying site and it was almost like looking in a mirror. I started following their ideas and documented everything for over six months then as soon as I approached them about it they ran to hr and complained about me. I had to face the md and hr, who was basically the bullies friend, taking pot shots at me and calling me paranoid, even though I had written evidence and even one recording of them at it. I was told either to shut up or I would be sacked.

After five years of this and it realising that it was making me ill I had to leave.

Looking back it wasn't the jibes and put downs that were hurtful it was the outright lies and seeing decent people suddenly become enablers just to fit in and start the cycle of bullying. I did manage to tell one new start about what was really going on and the helped me immensely. I also had to get help from my family who helped me deal with it. I used to come home and just sit and feel terrible, sometimes I was close to tears and one day having tea with my mum and dad I just borked down and had to tell them about it.

From this low I started exercising and lost three stone, I also stopped drinking pretty much. Despite me losing three stone the arsehole boss decided that it was just a baggy jumper. On top of this his sidekick left and I took on at least half of his tasks and did them well, despite getting abused and sabotaged.

I managed to get out of there and moved into a new job and a new house. Unfortunately my new neighbours were weirdos and had a dispute with the previous owners and were still taking it out on me. I have had to suffer them banging about and complaining about stupid stuff since I moved in but recently it has got better.

One day when I was again spending a Saturday night on my own I was watching a film and part of the plot was about death. I suddenly had a panic attack and realised that for the last ten years or so I have been locking myself away from society instead of facing up to what one or two arseholes have done to me over the years.

I got back in contact with my original friends and little by little I managed to get back on contact. I sent a really heartfelt message to two of them, one of which was the person I suspected of lying all these years ago, and they completely ignored it.

Eventually I managed to meet up with them and had a quite uncomfortable night at a concert where one of them openly said that they didn't want to sit near me and another tried to make out I was gay or something.

Not all of them were like this though so I continued to try to prove myself with them despite this. This was around a year ago and I can count on one hand the times I have been out with them. I went out once or twice with work colleagues and had a much better time with almost complete strangers, I think this says it all.

I think I need to speak to a professional about how to deal with the last ten years and maybe how to trust people again. I know that it was just bad luck but sometimes I get really introspective and down and start to think that somehow it must be me, like because I'm quiet and have decent manners that people just take advantage and walk all over me. Because of the bullying I can now see it coming a mile away and have nipped it in the bud straight away. I realise that people abuse others because they are insecure themselves and it is a sign of weakness.

I have never been diagnosed for depression but I was incredibly withdrawn from society, apart from work and family for around ten years. Sometimes I feel angry and disgusted about why I let this happen but can't really talk to anyone about it. Part of me wants to be normal and go out every weekend but usually my negative side wins and tells me to stop trying to contact these people as you keep getting hurt, like some sort of self defence mechanism.

I did actually think about physically attacking one of them as in my mind they were responsible for ruining a large part of my life. Maybe I do need to confront them, but why would any other friends care now?

It certainly pisses me off and I think about it at least once or twice a day, every day.

I'm guessing that this tone comes across in a lot of my posts on here.

I just wish that I could flick a switch and stop thinking about it and find a decent group of people who can appreciate me for who I am, I get on fine with work colleagues but they all have their own lives and I am scared of opening up to them.

I've thought about Internet dating etc but always feel like I'm not ready or perhaps someone would run a mile if a told them what I've been through.

All I know is that since the panic attack I know myself that something isn't right with staying in and wasting more time.

Sorry if this is a big read but I wondered what others might think about this situation.

I don't feel suicidal or anything just constantly annoyed and this takes a lot of energy out of me and I get highs and lows as a result.

It takes so much balls to post this so respect for that.

I could give you some advice and say that live your life the way you want to and don't beat yourself up about the past or how you feel about yourself. For what it's worth you seem like a thoughtful and nice guy from your post.

My best piece of advice would be to go and see a professional who could help you out. A counsellor, psychiatrist or whatever. I did and already feel so much better about myself and positive about life.

I hope you're okay in the end mate and there is a light at the end of the tunnel no matter how bleak life seems.

[DA Baracus]

I've posted on this thread quite a few times so no one will be surprised to know that I have suffered and still do suffer from depression.

Whilst I haven't had the misfortune of suffering from the abuse that DAFC has, many of the things he notes in his post I can relate to. I shut myself away for years in my room, and still do quite often. I too piled on weight, and developed an eating habit and addiction that cost me thousands of quid and has plunged me into massive debt (I even sold my old Xbox to fund it once). This addictive trait saw me piss away hundreds of quid on gambling in a couple of weeks as well, as well as almost developing a drinking problem, but somehow I was able to pull myself back from them. I drank quite a bit by myself and did some ridiculous things to myself on occasion. I actually don't know what triggered my depression, but I think it's something to do with not wanting to end up in a dead end job and be miserable all the time, like I was with one job I had. I think this has caused me to jump from job to job (approaching 30 jobs now) and saw me spend 5 years at uni and only get to 3rd year.

It all came crashing down and I had to move back into my parent's house last year, which is where I am typing this from. Since then I've been desperately trying to get a job to get a place of my own, as where I live is the middle of nowhere, meaning I have no one to hang around with. I do have some friends in Dunfermline, but they aren't out much and I only really see them at the football. Most of my other friends live in Glasgow and Aberdeen, and being on the dole means I can't afford to see them much. Sadly I've gone back to hiding a lot in my room though, so often on the rare occasion I do get an invitation, I miss out. I'm still overweight and frankly I'm utterly ashamed of myself for being so, as I was really in shape when I was younger. My confidence is in tatters from this and from not being able to get a job, when before I could get one within a week many times. I'm always afraid that my friends will think I'm an overweight disgrace, although to my knowledge, that has never happened and never actually seems to be an issue.

As for having a girlfriend, forget about it. Since I broke up with my last girlfriend, I've been single for 2 and a half years. I'm worried I'm closing in on my record of 4 years. Due to how I feel about myself, I just can't picture any woman ever wanting to be with me.

Living at my parents has become a nightmare, not only because it's lonely, but because my relationship with my dad is nothing now. I actively avoid him as he seems angry and annoyed around me, and I think he views me as a burden since I'm still here. The only time we speak is when I accidentally pick up the house phone before knowing it's him. If I see it's him I won't answer it. It's pretty hurtful that he just won't talk to me, but I can't really approach him as I know I'll say something he doesn't like and run the risk of being homeless, which may just be ridiculous and something that would never happen, but something I think of for some reason. I know as well that my illness has upset my mum a couple of times, and the guilt made me feel like an utter disgrace. I have told them, which is why they let me move back.

Not having a support network is hard. Just being able to hang out with some friends is difficult. I've gone through entire weeks where I haven't said a word; literally not spoken at all, to anyone. I walk around with earphones in all the time, as I like to block out the outside a lot. I think some of my friends know that I have a problem, but they aren't sure what and to what extent.

Strangely when I'm with my friends I feel fine, and none of these things matter or worry me, save for the confidence with women. It's not that I'm afraid to be around them, or even talk to them, it's just that I could never imagine any of them ever wanting to be with me.

As sad as this may all seem, there are times where I feel fine. Sometimes I'll go days or weeks, or even a month, and feel perfectly fine, with perhaps only a small period of an hour or two feeling pish. Or often I'll fluctuate throughout a day.

I'm trying to rebuild my life just now, and hopefully I can overcome my issues of dependency and sort some sort of future for myself. I worry that I've pissed away about 8 years of my life, and until I have a job, I'm just wasting more time, time that I feel I can't afford to waste.

Anyway, I'll have a beer with you DAFC.

[ForeverSinging]

I've posted on this thread quite a few times so no one will be surprised to know that I have suffered and still do suffer from depression.

Whilst I haven't had the misfortune of suffering from the abuse that DAFC has, many of the things he notes in his post I can relate to. I shut myself away for years in my room, and still do quite often. I too piled on weight, and developed an eating habit and addiction that cost me thousands of quid and has plunged me into massive debt (I even sold my old Xbox to fund it once). This addictive trait saw me piss away hundreds of quid on gambling in a couple of weeks as well, as well as almost developing a drinking problem, but somehow I was able to pull myself back from them. I drank quite a bit by myself and did some ridiculous things to myself on occasion. I actually don't know what triggered my depression, but I think it's something to do with not wanting to end up in a dead end job and be miserable all the time, like I was with one job I had. I think this has caused me to jump from job to job (approaching 30 jobs now) and saw me spend 5 years at uni and only get to 3rd year.

It all came crashing down and I had to move back into my parent's house last year, which is where I am typing this from. Since then I've been desperately trying to get a job to get a place of my own, as where I live is the middle of nowhere, meaning I have no one to hang around with. I do have some friends in Dunfermline, but they aren't out much and I only really see them at the football. Most of my other friends live in Glasgow and Aberdeen, and being on the dole means I can't afford to see them much. Sadly I've gone back to hiding a lot in my room though, so often on the rare occasion I do get an invitation, I miss out. I'm still overweight and frankly I'm utterly ashamed of myself for being so, as I was really in shape when I was younger. My confidence is in tatters from this and from not being able to get a job, when before I could get one within a week many times. I'm always afraid that my friends will think I'm an overweight disgrace, although to my knowledge, that has never happened and never actually seems to be an issue.

As for having a girlfriend, forget about it. Since I broke up with my last girlfriend, I've been single for 2 and a half years. I'm worried I'm closing in on my record of 4 years. Due to how I feel about myself, I just can't picture any woman ever wanting to be with me.

Living at my parents has become a nightmare, not only because it's lonely, but because my relationship with my dad is nothing now. I actively avoid him as he seems angry and annoyed around me, and I think he views me as a burden since I'm still here. The only time we speak is when I accidentally pick up the house phone before knowing it's him. If I see it's him I won't answer it. It's pretty hurtful that he just won't talk to me, but I can't really approach him as I know I'll say something he doesn't like and run the risk of being homeless, which may just be ridiculous and something that would never happen, but something I think of for some reason. I know as well that my illness has upset my mum a couple of times, and the guilt made me feel like an utter disgrace. I have told them, which is why they let me move back.

Not having a support network is hard. Just being able to hang out with some friends is difficult. I've gone through entire weeks where I haven't said a word; literally not spoken at all, to anyone. I walk around with earphones in all the time, as I like to block out the outside a lot. I think some of my friends know that I have a problem, but they aren't sure what and to what extent.

Strangely when I'm with my friends I feel fine, and none of these things matter or worry me, save for the confidence with women. It's not that I'm afraid to be around them, or even talk to them, it's just that I could never imagine any of them ever wanting to be with me.

As sad as this may all seem, there are times where I feel fine. Sometimes I'll go days or weeks, or even a month, and feel perfectly fine, with perhaps only a small period of an hour or two feeling pish. Or often I'll fluctuate throughout a day.

I'm trying to rebuild my life just now, and hopefully I can overcome my issues of dependency and sort some sort of future for myself. I worry that I've pissed away about 8 years of my life, and until I have a job, I'm just wasting more time, time that I feel I can't afford to waste.

Anyway, I'll have a beer with you DAFC.

That sounds hard mate. Have you considered getting counselling or anything? I know it's easy to say but it's not a good idea to beat yourself up.

[fraser_smfc]

Living at my parents has become a nightmare, not only because it's lonely, but because my relationship with my dad is nothing now. I actively avoid him as he seems angry and annoyed around me, and I think he views me as a burden since I'm still here. The only time we speak is when I accidentally pick up the house phone before knowing it's him. If I see it's him I won't answer it. It's pretty hurtful that he just won't talk to me, but I can't really approach him as I know I'll say something he doesn't like and run the risk of being homeless, which may just be ridiculous and something that would never happen, but something I think of for some reason. I know as well that my illness has upset my mum a couple of times, and the guilt made me feel like an utter disgrace. I have told them, which is why they let me move back.

Your dad's attitude doesn't necessarily mean he has a problem with you. Certain dads are somewhat "old school" and it's nothing personal. He loves you, you're his son. You are no burden, he will want to keep his son safe and well in any way he possibly can. Any attitude may stem from fear of what might happen to the son that he loves, or possible fear of his own perceived failings. Major respect to you, DAFC and everyone else for opening up on this thread, I can't imagine just how much of a effort that would be to put your thoughts, feelings and general worldviews into one post. To others unsure of whether to do the same, please do. You have an entire thread of people here going through a similar experience to you. Best of luck.

[Richey Edwards]

I have had five Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy sessions and I feel fucking fantastic, genuinely happy and at ease.

My perspective has changed and all those things that used to gnaw away at me no longer bother me, happy days!

I've started keeping a journal which I have found therapeutic.

[Neilly]

Maybe the two Pars fans could meet up pre-season for a beer or something? I know nothing about this shut but it sounds like you are going through similar things and might be good to talk to each other.

You already have something in common in relation to football.

Best of luck to you guys anyway sounds a really bad place to be.

[HoBNob]

Would be good if DAFC and DA Baracus met up for a beer, yous both come across as good lads on here.

Some proper brave gents on here, opening up over this can only be difficult.

Sent from my GT-I9300 using Pie & Bovril mobile app

[harkinsbaldpatch]

I can relate to the Dad being old school

Situation. My dad couldnt understand why i was on anti-depressants, said i didnt need them. I found it the hardest to tell my parents, still havent told them i had been to counselling

[roverthemoon]

I have a couple of friends who live with depression and through work have come into contact with people who help those struggling with depression and other mental health issues.

The two main things that jump out from the conversations I've had is that talking about it is essential and the importance of getting help. Most people struggle through depression on their own for a long time often becoming more and more isolated. Being able to talk about it with someone has made the difference and started them out to recovering or at least learning to live with their condition. Most people don't ask for help because of stigma but as this thread has proven there are people out there who understand and even who have had similar experiences. So my advice for what it's worth is find someone to talk to - friend, family, GP, SAMH or whoever - and get them to help you find the help you need.

I can't even begin to imagine the balls it took for people to share their story on here. To be able to post so frankly and honestly in a forum where any zoomer can try and belittle you from behind a username is fucking impressive. I'm not sure I could do it.

[fafc1885]

I suppose it's maybe stupid, but the only time I've never been as depressed was when I was with my girlfriend between May 2010 and October 2011. That period was when I've been my happiest, but even then I never actually got to meet her, she lived in Liverpool and kept backing out of meeting me, which I was laughed at constantly for by people I know. Since the split I've put on 50% of what I weighed, I was 70kg and I'm now over 100kg, I've attempted to commit suicide (I say attempted, I go down to the Forfar Loch to do it, because I can't swim, but I panic every time I go to go it) roughly 10 times too, but I do get thoughts most days about it and that everyone would be better off without me. I always feel like I can't tell anyone I know about it, I don't know if that's because of my social anxiety thing or what, but I can tell someone I speak to on Twitter or Facebook easily, I find it easier speaking over that than face to face. I think it's getting worse lately the negative thoughts because I don't think my antidepressants are working now, or as well as before, I've been on them since November last year.

.

Since I last posted here, going from that post, things have gotten slightly better, I've been sleeping better, and I've lost two stone from 16st. I haven't had as many thoughts about ending things, and I've spoken to my GP/Psychiatrist about changing my antidepressants but they said they'd speak next time I was there.

One thing that is especially bothering me though is with the whole ex thing, because of that I've got no confidence speaking to girls for the fear they will mess me around like she did. There is a girl that I am meant to be meeting tomorrow, but with me being in a slightly down period just now I am getting cold feet about meeting her, and also because I have never met a girl before, despite being 20, which I know probably sounds pathetic to some people, but oh well.

I also worry about not getting on well with my dad, I don't think I've had a good relationship with him for a few years, and don't think I ever will the majority of the time, we get on well when it comes to football, but that's maybe about it.

[Perfect Circle]

Christ.

Well done in losing a 30 lbs, good job. How did you lose it?

I suggest you ask the woman for full sex and if she refuses rent a big chested stunner off Adultlink. Girls are terrible people and not real humans, I enjoyed your blog btw. Not a good great, but decent.

[mattydfc]

Since I last posted here, going from that post, things have gotten slightly better, I've been sleeping better, and I've lost two stone from 16st. I haven't had as many thoughts about ending things, and I've spoken to my GP/Psychiatrist about changing my antidepressants but they said they'd speak next time I was there.

One thing that is especially bothering me though is with the whole ex thing, because of that I've got no confidence speaking to girls for the fear they will mess me around like she did. There is a girl that I am meant to be meeting tomorrow, but with me being in a slightly down period just now I am getting cold feet about meeting her, and also because I have never met a girl before, despite being 20, which I know probably sounds pathetic to some people, but oh well.

I also worry about not getting on well with my dad, I don't think I've had a good relationship with him for a few years, and don't think I ever will the majority of the time, we get on well when it comes to football, but that's maybe about it.

I promise you if you don't meet her tomorrow she'll most likely never want to meet you again. Just do it.

#bealpha

Edited June 12, 2013 by mattydfc