Depression

[Venti]

1 hour ago, Bairnardo said:

Having a bit of a time of it the now. Loads going on with the wife's maw, who is effectively dying. 

That's not directly the reason for how I feel though. I am strong enough to "keep the home fires burning" as it were. The problem for me lies in the more selfish thoughts... The ones about how it feels like this couple with the protracted loss of my own parents a few years back is robbing time out out of the prime years of my life. I mean I get that it's a shite deal for all the ones iv lost/losing. They were all in the bracket of "that's nae age at all really", but I can't get past the feeling that by the time it all plays out and the inevitable sadness subsides, I'm a few years older, more jaded, more burnt out. 

The wife said something that plays on my mind every say. She said "I feel like I'm losing my sparkle". It was a throwaway comment and I actually sometimes say it in jest now when I'm joking about me and my pals getting older but in truth it really fucking landed. It feels exactly like what has happened to me over the years and through the various shite events that have happened. Each one has left a hole that can't be filled.

And that leads to me to my worry for the wife. The whole it leaves in her life will be bigger than mine ever was. And there's the practical (and this is where I feel its selfish tgoughts) side of it all too.... We only have one babysitter. It won't be long till its none and we become one of they couples who don't get to do things together. 

I sort of already feel a drift, as if we are going to be forced to have a life each, and a life together. 

I don't think I'm REALLY low the now, or depressed, but there's certainly some clouds in my mind about what the near future holds, and how I'm going to hold my family together. But the context of the thoughts.... IE, I can't stop myself from still wanting a life and not having to wait several more years effectively "on pause" because of reason of grief, feels selfish which then makes me feel a bit shitty really. 

Bit of a ramble, but feels good to type it. 

 

Wifey wont ever lose her sparkle.

You married her for a reason. Love.

No matter what shite goes on just hold onto that love.

Even if you feel like shite be there for her.

[Dons_1988]

I love my wife more than I can describe, and yet I think my marriage is in trouble. 

I have no idea how to articulate what’s going on just now, she is the best person I know, and yet I can’t stomach a lot of aspects of how she’s coping with being a mum. I think she’s depressed but she refuses to get help. She sees pills as failure. 

I could make a huge post that no one would read but don’t think it’s worth it. Life is difficult right now. 

[sophia]

32 minutes ago, Dons_1988 said:

I love my wife more than I can describe, and yet I think my marriage is in trouble. 

I have no idea how to articulate what’s going on just now, she is the best person I know, and yet I can’t stomach a lot of aspects of how she’s coping with being a mum. I think she’s depressed but she refuses to get help. She sees pills as failure. 

I could make a huge post that no one would read but don’t think it’s worth it. Life is difficult right now. 

A plaster cast isn't failure and no other medical intervention should be considered as such.

Please don't blame her for not understanding.

[TxRover]

1 hour ago, Dons_1988 said:

I love my wife more than I can describe, and yet I think my marriage is in trouble. 

I have no idea how to articulate what’s going on just now, she is the best person I know, and yet I can’t stomach a lot of aspects of how she’s coping with being a mum. I think she’s depressed but she refuses to get help. She sees pills as failure. 

I could make a huge post that no one would read but don’t think it’s worth it. Life is difficult right now. 

Postpartum/postnatal depression is is a very real thing. Here a link for a start:

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/post-natal-depression/treatment/
 

It’s terribly difficult for women to admit this might be occurring to them because the whole world is telling them this is the greatest time of their lives, and yet they feel absolutely horrible. Make the huge post, even if you don’t post it, it will help you organize your thoughts and feelings. As a partner of someone possibly suffering from depression, you also might need some help. It’s out there, don’t be afraid.

 

P.S. When I typed “postpartum” at first it autocorrected to “post Partick”…hummmmmm.

[Dons_1988]

7 hours ago, sophia said:

A plaster cast isn't failure and no other medical intervention should be considered as such.

Please don't blame her for not understanding.

 

6 hours ago, TxRover said:

Postpartum/postnatal depression is is a very real thing. Here a link for a start:

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/post-natal-depression/treatment/
 

It’s terribly difficult for women to admit this might be occurring to them because the whole world is telling them this is the greatest time of their lives, and yet they feel absolutely horrible. Make the huge post, even if you don’t post it, it will help you organize your thoughts and feelings. As a partner of someone possibly suffering from depression, you also might need some help. It’s out there, don’t be afraid.

 

P.S. When I typed “postpartum” at first it autocorrected to “post Partick”…hummmmmm.

Thank you both. I may well type out the long post but it’s not for right now. 

 I understand everything you’re saying and I know it is all true. My daughter is nearly 2 now and we just can’t seem to shake it. We’ll have a few good weeks of no incidents and then things explode out of the blue. 

[RH33]

2 hours ago, Dons_1988 said:

 

Thank you both. I may well type out the long post but it’s not for right now. 

 I understand everything you’re saying and I know it is all true. My daughter is nearly 2 now and we just can’t seem to shake it. We’ll have a few good weeks of no incidents and then things explode out of the blue. 

Post natal depression, if not treated by either therapy and/or medication can last years. She may well not enjoy being a parent and it isn't what she expected and until she can address that then you may well be stuck in a cycle. It wouldn't be the first time the change of dynamic of having a child breaks a marriage.

[Dons_1988]

1 hour ago, RH33 said:

Post natal depression, if not treated by either therapy and/or medication can last years. She may well not enjoy being a parent and it isn't what she expected and until she can address that then you may well be stuck in a cycle. It wouldn't be the first time the change of dynamic of having a child breaks a marriage.

I think that’s part of what’s frustrating me most. I desperately want her to see that a) this isn’t just going to solve itself by trying harder and b) that it’s posing a real risk to our marriage over the long term. 

Im not on the verge of leaving, I’m in it for the long haul and I will endure what it takes to get her through this, but sometimes it feels like she doesn’t want to. Like she just accepts that her life is shit now and if she can keep it all inside instead of losing her temper then that’s good enough. I can’t accept that, I can’t live like that. And I won’t have my daughter grow up in that. 

[RH33]

At some point you will decide for your own health and parenting that it's crunch point. Only you will know when that is. Most important thing for me was not raising my children in a toxic environment.

[Dons_1988]

12 minutes ago, RH33 said:

At some point you will decide for your own health and parenting that it's crunch point. Only you will know when that is. Most important thing for me was not raising my children in a toxic environment.

You might be right. I’m not ready to contemplate that yet. 

[accies1874]

Not sure if this is appropriate for this thread, but I'm getting worried about my mum. She lost her dad in November, then her aunt was in hospital for a month or so before dying recently, so she and my gran haven't really stopped with a lot of depressing admin stuff that nobody wants to be doing. 

My younger brother also requires a lot of care but council budget cuts are reducing that quite a bit to the point that it feels like his life feels like an inconvenience to them. So that's also wearing her down. 

I'm trying to help as much as I can, but I can see how it's affecting her physically and mentally and I'm worried about the fact that a lot of things will just get worse. 

[TxRover]

6 hours ago, Dons_1988 said:

 

Thank you both. I may well type out the long post but it’s not for right now. 

 I understand everything you’re saying and I know it is all true. My daughter is nearly 2 now and we just can’t seem to shake it. We’ll have a few good weeks of no incidents and then things explode out of the blue. 

That, my friend, sounds remarkably familiar…and the answer is not tip-toeing around it and hoping it will get better, because it won’t….not without something changing, and that’s not going to happen on its own. Even if she won’t try counseling, you can benefit from an external perspective to “check” your instincts and to help you find out way you might be able to help her. She could benefit from counseling by hearing that she ISN’T different from everyone because she isn’t filled with joy every day. Medication isn’t automatically the crutch for those unwilling act that many suggest it is, sometimes it’s the necessary support to allow healing. Refusing to consider talking meds is a common problem when people were raised to believe that’s weakness…and a talk with some professionals explaining why it might be necessary and how often it truly is might just help her.

[TxRover]

2 hours ago, RH33 said:

At some point you will decide for your own health and parenting that it's crunch point. Only you will know when that is. Most important thing for me was not raising my children in a toxic environment.

This is both a critical point and a terribly difficult one. You don’t want to rush into/out of anything, but don’t make the mistake of waiting too long.

1 hour ago, accies1874 said:

Not sure if this is appropriate for this thread, but I'm getting worried about my mum. She lost her dad in November, then her aunt was in hospital for a month or so before dying recently, so she and my gran haven't really stopped with a lot of depressing admin stuff that nobody wants to be doing. 

My younger brother also requires a lot of care but council budget cuts are reducing that quite a bit to the point that it feels like his life feels like an inconvenience to them. So that's also wearing her down. 

I'm trying to help as much as I can, but I can see how it's affecting her physically and mentally and I'm worried about the fact that a lot of things will just get worse. 

Hopefully there is some form of support group, especially for seniors, in the area that could help them both with connecting with individuals who have been through the drudgery and routine of this basic but essential matter (dealing with the paperwork). There are often volunteers in these matters who know where the bodies are buried, so to speak, and can help those struggling along with the admin.

On the budget cuts, those in the field are likely as frustrated as you are, and might be worth talking to to see if there are ways to try to mitigate some of the impact. Not the often cold accountants and administrators, but the in the field types who do the job because they like it, despite the poor support of the council.

[Academically Deficient]

9 hours ago, accies1874 said:

Not sure if this is appropriate for this thread, but I'm getting worried about my mum. She lost her dad in November, then her aunt was in hospital for a month or so before dying recently, so she and my gran haven't really stopped with a lot of depressing admin stuff that nobody wants to be doing. 

My younger brother also requires a lot of care but council budget cuts are reducing that quite a bit to the point that it feels like his life feels like an inconvenience to them. So that's also wearing her down. 

I'm trying to help as much as I can, but I can see how it's affecting her physically and mentally and I'm worried about the fact that a lot of things will just get worse. 

Totally relate to the bit about admin. People don’t realise how draining it is to phone multiple banks, insurance companies, council etc etc with the same script: I’m phoning because my dad/mum/husband is dead. Just awful. 

[moses1924]

@Dons_1988ive been through a bit of what you describe, send me a mesgae if you want... Also dont e afraid to post a long post on here, people will read, this thread genuinely is good corner of the internet. 

Hope your doing ok @SlipperyPno bannana trees here, not sure if a sitka spruce would work the same

[Dons_1988]

18 hours ago, TxRover said:

That, my friend, sounds remarkably familiar…and the answer is not tip-toeing around it and hoping it will get better, because it won’t….not without something changing, and that’s not going to happen on its own. Even if she won’t try counseling, you can benefit from an external perspective to “check” your instincts and to help you find out way you might be able to help her. She could benefit from counseling by hearing that she ISN’T different from everyone because she isn’t filled with joy every day. Medication isn’t automatically the crutch for those unwilling act that many suggest it is, sometimes it’s the necessary support to allow healing. Refusing to consider talking meds is a common problem when people were raised to believe that’s weakness…and a talk with some professionals explaining why it might be necessary and how often it truly is might just help her.

Thanks, I can assure you I don’t tiptoe around it. I confront her about it a lot more than she likes. We had long conversations just last night and even this morning again. They were more encouraging as she seemed willing to recognise more of what was really going on, albeit heartbreaking to hear the things she said. 

She is trying to arrange some therapy but is still not moving on seeing a GP and potentially pills. I even suggested I could look after the wee one for a couple of weeks myself to allow her to refresh and even catch up on sleep but she wasn’t having it. 

9 hours ago, moses1924 said:

@Dons_1988ive been through a bit of what you describe, send me a mesgae if you want... Also dont e afraid to post a long post on here, people will read, this thread genuinely is good corner of the internet. 

I know it is mate, I was a one time regular on this thread with my own issues a few years ago. I’m well trodden on this path, in many ways it’s much, much harder to see it happen with a loved one before your eyes. 

[TxRover]

5 hours ago, Dons_1988 said:

Thanks, I can assure you I don’t tiptoe around it. I confront her about it a lot more than she likes. We had long conversations just last night and even this morning again. They were more encouraging as she seemed willing to recognise more of what was really going on, albeit heartbreaking to hear the things she said. 

She is trying to arrange some therapy but is still not moving on seeing a GP and potentially pills. I even suggested I could look after the wee one for a couple of weeks myself to allow her to refresh and even catch up on sleep but she wasn’t having it. 

Baby steps (ironic, eh) are much better than trying to power through it without reaching out. Even a small crack 8nnthe wall of denial she has erected is a huge improvement. Best of luck to you both in finding the answers.

[scottsdad]

@Dons_1988 in all marriages and relationships there are peaks and troughs. For me, thinking back to ~2016 my wife and I were in a dreadful place. We just couldn't find common ground. Some of it was down to individual pressures each of us were facing, and some down to just some kind of inexplicable deterioration in our relationship. 

We sat down and had some pretty serious conversations. Were we going to stay together or split up? If we split up, how exactly would we do it? 

In the end we decided to stay together and see how it went. A few pressures eased off, and we made more time for each other. Starting in 2017 we really put time into it. Might sound silly but simply being aware of how you speak to each other and listen to each other helps. 

We're closer now than I think we have ever been. I know folk on here like to take the piss because my wife goes away for wee holidays without me, staying with a couple of friends of hers, but honestly this has been brilliant for us. These short breaks make me (at least) realise that I miss her when she is away. Years ago, when we first got together, I was away every third week with work. Similar dynamic - looking forward to coming back and seeing her, making plans for a night out together when we are back together and so on. 

This is all rambling and not any great advice, except to say that talking and listening can help. Use the cushion thing of need be (the person with the cushion speaks and the other one listens, then pass the cushion over). We did that for a while because I had a bad habit of interrupting her when she was making a point. 

[oneteaminglasgow]

Not depression as such, but I didn’t know where else to put this. Does anyone have any tips on dealing with anxiety? It’s not something that I’ve really experienced before but over the past few months it’s come and gone, particularly in relation to going out for food, and then the past few days I’ve been worked up and worried pretty much constantly when I’ve been outside the house.

I’m going to go and see my GP tomorrow but just wanted to see if anyone on here had any advice too. 

[Richey Edwards]

21 minutes ago, oneteaminglasgow said:

Not depression as such, but I didn’t know where else to put this. Does anyone have any tips on dealing with anxiety? It’s not something that I’ve really experienced before but over the past few months it’s come and gone, particularly in relation to going out for food, and then the past few days I’ve been worked up and worried pretty much constantly when I’ve been outside the house.

I’m going to go and see my GP tomorrow but just wanted to see if anyone on here had any advice too. 

If you don't mind me asking - what is the nature of the anxiety? Is it about anything particular - being around people, thinking something bad will happen, thinking you might do something silly and people will laugh etc?

I do get anxiety, mostly about going to busy places. If I need to go somewhere like the shops I usually go in the evening because it's usually quieter. I know this is an avoidant behaviour, but it works for me so I do it.

[Molotov]

18 minutes ago, oneteaminglasgow said:

Not depression as such, but I didn’t know where else to put this. Does anyone have any tips on dealing with anxiety? It’s not something that I’ve really experienced before but over the past few months it’s come and gone, particularly in relation to going out for food, and then the past few days I’ve been worked up and worried pretty much constantly when I’ve been outside the house.

I’m going to go and see my GP tomorrow but just wanted to see if anyone on here had any advice too. 

Going to the GP is a great first step. Well done.

I have suffered from anxiety in the past and it is a crippling condition that came out of absolute nowhere but with the right intervention this period will hopefully pass for you. 

Good luck. 

I find reading or listening to podcasts written by experts on these subjects very helpful. You may find resources on YouTube or similar platforms. 

Mindfulness, meditation and yoga are very useful to help you understand good breathing techniques which can help control your anxiety. 

I’ve suffered from anxiety and depression for years and tried all manner of treatments including CBT alongside medication.

A book that I’m reading just now which I’m finding useful is the Chimp paradox which I’m finding really useful.