Depression

[Alert Mongoose]

53 minutes ago, The Derry said:

Are you in Dundee?  What football team/class does he go too?  We have a lot of kids across the teams I coach who were like the wee man to begin with but the more they go the more engaged they are.  

Alright mate. Yeah in Dundee - would be great if you could DM me details. Cheers

[Jacksgranda]

2 hours ago, Alert Mongoose said:

Thanks for those - really helpful. We make sure he goes to bed every night at pretty much the same time.  He is a nightmare to get to sleep - essentially one of us has to sit and read to him for about 45 minutes to a hour until his brain 'shuts down'.  We occasionally get away with putting an audio book (he loves these especially Michael Murpogo books) on for him otherwise if we try to leave him to go sleep on his own he will just keep coming out his room or just keep moving stuff around his room. Strangely enough he very rarely gets up during the night which is a blessing but he normally comes running through before 6.30am most mornings.

Agree on the outdoor bit. I've always struggled with him in the house so pretty much always take him on a walk or to the local beaches and he is fine as long as it's somewhere there are no major risks as his danger awareness is almost non-existent.  That is part of the problem though I think when it comes to the school in that he just cannot sit and concentrate on anything really. 

Interesting on the food suggestion.  He eats a really wide range of foods (apart from anything with the merest hint of spice..) and only rarely gets any sweets. I'll have to keep an eye out and see if there is any discernable pattern though.

Ours was like that, too, if he saw someone/something interesting at the other side of a road he would just head straight across.

[Rugster]

On 22/02/2023 at 10:31, Alert Mongoose said:

I think we are struggling with this which, along with a few other issues around health, has left me at my lowest for a long time.  

When my wife and I adopted our little boy my mother in law had said she would help out at least one day a week which was important as my own mum and dad live about 100 miles away. However a couple of things have conspired against us in that her health has deteriorated rapidly and our son requires additional support which she just can't handle.

He is currently on the waiting list to be assessed (they have ruled out autism) but that is looking like a 2 year waiting list.  I've tried nannying services and things like Kings Camp and both were happy to take him on even though we advised he required additional support. Both fell through when they contacted us to say they suddenly decided they didn't have enough resource to support him. 

He is now most of the way through primary two and he still hasn't been in school for a full day yet because they say there are no positions available in the assisted support classes and don't have the resources within the mainstream classes to provide enough support all day. While this has annoyed us I can see it from both sides and I don't think antagonising the school further will help.  We both work full time so often end up looking after the wee one when we have to pick him up early from school and working at nights to catch up.

Essentially the only break either of us get is when the one of us goes to do our own thing and the other looks after the wee one. Don't get me wrong we spend most weekends doing things together and have great fun but now and again you do need a little break as he can be really hard work.

My biggest issue is I have been using the spare time I get to drink to excess (mostly as a stress coping mechanism i think) which then leaves me struggling the next day and feeling even more guilty. 

We have found a local branch of The Yard and that does help a fair bit in terms of giving my wife a break.  

Just hope that the longer days somehow brings some respite and the chance for either of us to get some time when he is in bed.

ETA That's his swimming lessons just phoned my wife this morning to say that a shortage of staff means they won't be able to cover the additional resource he needs. That's cancelled as well now. It never rains...

I've just read that horrifyingly long winded post and it portrays the wee man as some devil child. He is genuinely one of the nicest wee boys you will meet but just cannot concentrate on anything for more than about 3 seconds and is stubborn beyond belief. I've no idea if it's genetic (his birth mum has six other boys all by different fathers and in care now with varying degrees of learning difficulties) or if it's partly our fault for the way we have brought him up.

I can't really offer any advice on this mate, sorry, but I just wanted to say as other's have - it's not your fault. Definitely not. Not even partly.

[RH33]

On 22/02/2023 at 10:31, Alert Mongoose said:

I think we are struggling with this which, along with a few other issues around health, has left me at my lowest for a long time.  

When my wife and I adopted our little boy my mother in law had said she would help out at least one day a week which was important as my own mum and dad live about 100 miles away. However a couple of things have conspired against us in that her health has deteriorated rapidly and our son requires additional support which she just can't handle.

He is currently on the waiting list to be assessed (they have ruled out autism) but that is looking like a 2 year waiting list.  I've tried nannying services and things like Kings Camp and both were happy to take him on even though we advised he required additional support. Both fell through when they contacted us to say they suddenly decided they didn't have enough resource to support him. 

He is now most of the way through primary two and he still hasn't been in school for a full day yet because they say there are no positions available in the assisted support classes and don't have the resources within the mainstream classes to provide enough support all day. While this has annoyed us I can see it from both sides and I don't think antagonising the school further will help.  We both work full time so often end up looking after the wee one when we have to pick him up early from school and working at nights to catch up.

Essentially the only break either of us get is when the one of us goes to do our own thing and the other looks after the wee one. Don't get me wrong we spend most weekends doing things together and have great fun but now and again you do need a little break as he can be really hard work.

My biggest issue is I have been using the spare time I get to drink to excess (mostly as a stress coping mechanism i think) which then leaves me struggling the next day and feeling even more guilty. 

We have found a local branch of The Yard and that does help a fair bit in terms of giving my wife a break.  

Just hope that the longer days somehow brings some respite and the chance for either of us to get some time when he is in bed.

ETA That's his swimming lessons just phoned my wife this morning to say that a shortage of staff means they won't be able to cover the additional resource he needs. That's cancelled as well now. It never rains...

I've just read that horrifyingly long winded post and it portrays the wee man as some devil child. He is genuinely one of the nicest wee boys you will meet but just cannot concentrate on anything for more than about 3 seconds and is stubborn beyond belief. I've no idea if it's genetic (his birth mum has six other boys all by different fathers and in care now with varying degrees of learning difficulties) or if it's partly our fault for the way we have brought him up.

Very much sounds like ADHD.

Did his mum have any alcohol/addiction issues?

What's his coordination like, did he crawl, lace tying etc? I'm asking as dyspraxia is very underdiagnosed.

I don't know where you are based but look into NHS occupational therapy. You can self refer. They can't diagnosis ADHD but may be able offer things like brain gym. INPP also worth looking into but only practitioner in Scotland has retired. My son gained a lot through it. They'rebased in Chester.

School's are not the best with neurodibergent children. I'd be getting in touch with the education manager as sending him home consistently isn't acceptable.

[HoBNob]

On 22/02/2023 at 10:31, Alert Mongoose said:

I think we are struggling with this which, along with a few other issues around health, has left me at my lowest for a long time.  

When my wife and I adopted our little boy my mother in law had said she would help out at least one day a week which was important as my own mum and dad live about 100 miles away. However a couple of things have conspired against us in that her health has deteriorated rapidly and our son requires additional support which she just can't handle.

He is currently on the waiting list to be assessed (they have ruled out autism) but that is looking like a 2 year waiting list.  I've tried nannying services and things like Kings Camp and both were happy to take him on even though we advised he required additional support. Both fell through when they contacted us to say they suddenly decided they didn't have enough resource to support him. 

He is now most of the way through primary two and he still hasn't been in school for a full day yet because they say there are no positions available in the assisted support classes and don't have the resources within the mainstream classes to provide enough support all day. While this has annoyed us I can see it from both sides and I don't think antagonising the school further will help.  We both work full time so often end up looking after the wee one when we have to pick him up early from school and working at nights to catch up.

Essentially the only break either of us get is when the one of us goes to do our own thing and the other looks after the wee one. Don't get me wrong we spend most weekends doing things together and have great fun but now and again you do need a little break as he can be really hard work.

My biggest issue is I have been using the spare time I get to drink to excess (mostly as a stress coping mechanism i think) which then leaves me struggling the next day and feeling even more guilty. 

We have found a local branch of The Yard and that does help a fair bit in terms of giving my wife a break.  

Just hope that the longer days somehow brings some respite and the chance for either of us to get some time when he is in bed.

ETA That's his swimming lessons just phoned my wife this morning to say that a shortage of staff means they won't be able to cover the additional resource he needs. That's cancelled as well now. It never rains...

I've just read that horrifyingly long winded post and it portrays the wee man as some devil child. He is genuinely one of the nicest wee boys you will meet but just cannot concentrate on anything for more than about 3 seconds and is stubborn beyond belief. I've no idea if it's genetic (his birth mum has six other boys all by different fathers and in care now with varying degrees of learning difficulties) or if it's partly our fault for the way we have brought him up.

Sorry to hear that AM, the fact you've adopted a child makes me immediately think you and your other half are of the top calibre of people, you shouldn't blame yourself for a second. 

Have no doubt about him being a cracking wee boy, there's a mate at work who's currently struggling with something similar to what you've described, he's got diagnosed ADHD and he doesn't complete many days at school, but whenever I've met him he's absolutely lovely. There's been some nice advice on the thread and I hope some of it helps. 

[Venti]

Seem to see a lot of folks asking for help with their kids from Grandparents.

Isn't their anyone else you know that can take care of your kids? (That you trust)

Look after my neighbours' kids when I can.

[Alert Mongoose]

1 hour ago, RH33 said:

Very much sounds like ADHD.

Did his mum have any alcohol/addiction issues?

What's his coordination like, did he crawl, lace tying etc? I'm asking as dyspraxia is very underdiagnosed.

I don't know where you are based but look into NHS occupational therapy. You can self refer. They can't diagnosis ADHD but may be able offer things like brain gym. INPP also worth looking into but only practitioner in Scotland has retired. My son gained a lot through it. They'rebased in Chester.

School's are not the best with neurodibergent children. I'd be getting in touch with the education manager as sending him home consistently isn't acceptable.

Yeah we do think that dyspraxia might be an option as well. His coordination isn't the best and I've noticed over time that he always achieved the goals (walking/talking etc) but definitely took longer than his peers to get to it. 

Thanks - will have a look into the INPP option.

I'm not aware of alcohol/substance abuse on the mother's side but she was very prone to anger issues against authority. Just unfortunate in that she simply couldn't look after herself so trying to bring up children was clearly never going to work. 

Sadly, no-one admitted to being his genetic father so not sure on that side.

[Alert Mongoose]

43 minutes ago, Grant228 said:

Sorry to hear that AM, the fact you've adopted a child makes me immediately think you and your other half are of the top calibre of people, you shouldn't blame yourself for a second. 

Have no doubt about him being a cracking wee boy, there's a mate at work who's currently struggling with something similar to what you've described, he's got diagnosed ADHD and he doesn't complete many days at school, but whenever I've met him he's absolutely lovely. There's been some nice advice on the thread and I hope some of it helps. 

Thanks for the kind words Grant. To be fair I couldn't claim any that adopting was some sort of grandiose philanthropy. We tried 9 years of IVF which ultimately didn't work so adopting was the only real option for us to be a family.

To be honest it sounds like whinging from me and maybe it is. I'm under no illusions there are plenty of families in worse situations than we are in.

[Alert Mongoose]

34 minutes ago, Venti said:

Seem to see a lot of folks asking for help with their kids from Grandparents.

Isn't their anyone else you know that can take care of your kids? (That you trust)

Look after my neighbours' kids when I can.

Absolutely a fair point and one where I (and to a lessor extent my wife) have to take a little of the blame in that we are not overly sociable people in that way.  To be fair we have had offers from friends but more often than not we have felt reticent to do so for fear of him not behaving.

[Rugster]

4 minutes ago, Alert Mongoose said:

Thanks for the kind words Grant. To be fair I couldn't claim any that adopting was some sort of grandiose philanthropy. We tried 9 years of IVF which ultimately didn't work so adopting was the only real option for us to be a family.

To be honest it sounds like whinging from me and maybe it is. I'm under no illusions there are plenty of families in worse situations than we are in.

It's not whinging mate. You're asking for advice and venting a bit which is only natural given what you're going through. This and the pregnancy thread are two of the real outstanding threads on this board imo.

[Venti]

2 minutes ago, Alert Mongoose said:

Absolutely a fair point and one where I (and to a lessor extent my wife) have to take a little of the blame in that we are not overly sociable people in that way.  To be fair we have had offers from friends but more often than not we have felt reticent to do so for fear of him not behaving.

Wasn't in anyway aimed at you (or anyone).

Was just a general observation. For some reason there's a spurt of wee weans from my neighbours.

They know me & they know they can trust me.

(Mostly playing Animal Crossing/Minecraft)

[RH33]

43 minutes ago, Alert Mongoose said:

Yeah we do think that dyspraxia might be an option as well. His coordination isn't the best and I've noticed over time that he always achieved the goals (walking/talking etc) but definitely took longer than his peers to get to it. 

Thanks - will have a look into the INPP option.

I'm not aware of alcohol/substance abuse on the mother's side but she was very prone to anger issues against authority. Just unfortunate in that she simply couldn't look after herself so trying to bring up children was clearly never going to work. 

Sadly, no-one admitted to being his genetic father so not sure on that side.

I'd def check out and see if you can self refer to pediatric occupational therapy. If nothing else the waiting list in shorter than CAHMS. Would also give you another medical person on side too which I've discovered is no bad thing.

We've just been added to the list for my youngest as along with dyspraxia, I think shes ADHD. 

I'd def speak to education manager for school too, they'll be based in council offices too. Ask the head teacher for an educational psychology assesment too if they haven't already.

Parenting is fucking brutal. Doesn't matter if the came out the vag, sunroof, test tube or someone else. 

 

[HoBNob]

1 hour ago, Alert Mongoose said:

Thanks for the kind words Grant. To be fair I couldn't claim any that adopting was some sort of grandiose philanthropy. We tried 9 years of IVF which ultimately didn't work so adopting was the only real option for us to be a family.

To be honest it sounds like whinging from me and maybe it is. I'm under no illusions there are plenty of families in worse situations than we are in.

Maybe it wasn't an intentional form of grand philanthropy, but by adopting you'll have indubitably improved a kids life, I'm absolutely positive that if you were to ask the wee man he'll be delighted you took him in, that counts for something IMO. 

1 hour ago, Rugster said:

It's not whinging mate. You're asking for advice and venting a bit which is only natural given what you're going through. This and the pregnancy thread are two of the real outstanding threads on this board imo.

The pregnancy thread is absolutely fantastic, potentially my favourite thread. 

[Jacksgranda]

1 hour ago, Alert Mongoose said:

Absolutely a fair point and one where I (and to a lessor extent my wife) have to take a little of the blame in that we are not overly sociable people in that way.  To be fair we have had offers from friends but more often than not we have felt reticent to do so for fear of him not behaving.

Surely they know he's not going to be "perfect"?

[TxRover]

2 hours ago, Venti said:

(Mostly playing Animal Crossing/Minecraft)

There’s something I might have mentioned, Minecraft. It may seem irrational, but some ADHD sufferers find Minecraft, with its building and exploring focus, allows development of focus. I helped moderate a decent sized, kid friendly server for a few years, and it’s a pretty good environment IF done properly. Servers like “The Sandlot” and “Crazy Pig” have very good moderation and strict limits on behavior. For instance, our standard on The Sandlot was talk like you would to your 5 year-old sibling, no cursing or such, no sharing personal data…for instance, you could say you lived near New York or in London, but nothing specific, no sharing your school or such, things like that.

You could try him out on Minecraft, and after a little bit introduce a server with you assisting him, if he’s interested. You’ll find an online community that is generally welcoming and understanding.

[Venti]

7 minutes ago, TxRover said:

There’s something I might have mentioned, Minecraft. It may seem irrational, but some ADHD sufferers find Minecraft, with its building and exploring focus, allows development of focus. I helped moderate a decent sized, kid friendly server for a few years, and it’s a pretty good environment IF done properly. Servers like “The Sandlot” and “Crazy Pig” have very good moderation and strict limits on behavior. For instance, our standard on The Sandlot was talk like you would to your 5 year-old sibling, no cursing or such, no sharing personal data…for instance, you could say you lived near New York or in London, but nothing specific, no sharing your school or such, things like that.

You could try him out on Minecraft, and after a little bit introduce a server with you assisting him, if he’s interested. You’ll find an online community that is generally welcoming and understanding.

Thinks this should be aimed at the other guy.

Kids I look after just like the games I mentioned. (MK8 also)

They dont have special needs.

 

ETA: I can totally see why people get exhausted with kids.

As a single guy, I can't fucking imagine what stress that has on youself & your relationship.

Just know we are here to help (If we can)

Edited February 23, 2023 by Venti

[TxRover]

13 minutes ago, Venti said:

Thinks this should be aimed at the other guy.

Kids I look after just like the games I mentioned. (MK8 also)

They dont have special needs.

 

ETA: I can totally see why people get exhausted with kids.

As a single guy, I can't fucking imagine what stress that has on youself & your relationship.

Just know we are here to help (If we can)

It was aimed, not at you, but as a thought I had from your comment. Sorry if I offended you.

[Venti]

1 hour ago, TxRover said:

It was aimed, not at you, but as a thought I had from your comment. Sorry if I offended you.

No need to apologise. 

[Yoshi-91]

f**k me I am unhappy person. I fucking hate my job. Sick to death of being bottom of the pile. My job is fucking brain numbing. I like the company and the industry it is in but fucking hell I hate what I do. I can see an area in the company I could fill and would enjoy but there is apparently not enough money to replace my position (I don't buy this at all). I sit frustrated in meetings listening to people talking about issues in the exact areas I want to step in and fix. I don't know the right way to explain it, I wouldn't say its undervalued, overlooked maybe? I will on occasion go out my way to do something outside or my remit, sometimes even at home and not being paid for it and basically get a pat on the head and get told (between the lines) to f**k off back down your hole. I have lost motivation, my alarm clock seems to get snoozed later and later as the weeks pass and I am basically just phoning it in at this point, I just watch the clock until I can go home. When I get home I am exhausted and worn out, not from working hard, but just from being so miserable. I look for other jobs but there is nothing going that looks any better than what I am doing. I hate the fact that this feeling just follows me around, impacts me away from work and effects the way I interact with people. I am just fucking miserable. Not looking for sympathy or anything, I just seen the thread and felt it was the perfect way to brain dump this shit that's rattling around in my head.    

[DA Baracus]

32 minutes ago, Yoshi-91 said:

f**k me I am unhappy person. I fucking hate my job. Sick to death of being bottom of the pile. My job is fucking brain numbing. I like the company and the industry it is in but fucking hell I hate what I do. I can see an area in the company I could fill and would enjoy but there is apparently not enough money to replace my position (I don't buy this at all). I sit frustrated in meetings listening to people talking about issues in the exact areas I want to step in and fix. I don't know the right way to explain it, I wouldn't say its undervalued, overlooked maybe? I will on occasion go out my way to do something outside or my remit, sometimes even at home and not being paid for it and basically get a pat on the head and get told (between the lines) to f**k off back down your hole. I have lost motivation, my alarm clock seems to get snoozed later and later as the weeks pass and I am basically just phoning it in at this point, I just watch the clock until I can go home. When I get home I am exhausted and worn out, not from working hard, but just from being so miserable. I look for other jobs but there is nothing going that looks any better than what I am doing. I hate the fact that this feeling just follows me around, impacts me away from work and effects the way I interact with people. I am just fucking miserable. Not looking for sympathy or anything, I just seen the thread and felt it was the perfect way to brain dump this shit that's rattling around in my head.    

That's a shite situation to be in. Must seem like it's hopeless a lot of the time.

Have you considered getting signed off work for a bit? Would give you some breathing space, even if only temporarily.

No easy answers but sounds like you have to get out of that job, even if it's a sideways or even 'backwards' step. Perhaps you need to approach your goal from a different angle, as it's apparent things aren't working for you in your current situation?