Facts you made up

[sjc]

Scotland striker Steven Fletcher's real father is actually Norman Stanley Fletcher c/o HP Slade.

[calum_gers]

Scotland striker Steven Fletcher's real father is actually Norman Stanley Fletcher c/o HP Slade.

And he chose to play for Scotland due to the constant badgering of Mr Mackay (he and Fletcher having become unlikely friends upon his release from prison)

[sjc]

And he chose to play for Scotland due to the constant badgering of Mr Mackay (he and Fletcher having become unlikely friends upon his release from prison)

Exactly.

[DAFC]

And he chose to play for Scotland due to the constant badgering of Mr Mackay (he and Fletcher having become unlikely friends upon his release from prison)

Big Jock McClaren was also persuaded to play for Scotland but after missing a sitter from two yards out it was decided that he would be better off going back to his chosen profession.

[Ya Bezzer!]

Does this include chocolate ones?

It can do if you want, it's made up.

[Shotgun]

Edinburgh castle was originally located in Cumbernauld.

[DAFC]

Edinburgh, or, to give it its technical name, Edin mu pont frexis a la monte, is the fifth largest of the seven mobile cities of the World. Currently broken down on the outskirts of Aberdeen in Scotland, the city is now showing extensive wind, rain, and bagpipe damage.

Edinburgh has been at war with Scotland's largest city Glasgow ever since 1989 when, after a crankshaft failure, the west coast city came to a halt, crushing the entire centre of the ill-fated Scottish capital. While Glasgow has since recovered from the damage caused, enough even to win the Nobel Peace Prize in 2003, feelings between the two cities are at an all-time low. Violence escalated recently when Edinburgh Castle (not to be confused with Stirling Castle) was replaced by a jelly sculpture of Oscar Wilde by a pair of mischievous Glaswegians. However, the Arch-Rabbi of Edinburgh, Lionel Blue, remains confident that peace talks with Glasgow will be successful, and that the city will be able to maneuver out of its current location by mid-2011.

Edinburgh's primary export is wind, which it manufactures in its many picturesque streets. It is arguably most notorious for being a self-confessed showcase capital by the Scottish Executive, who in effect, ethnically cleanse the working class, relocating them to freeze and starve to death in shanty towns such as Armadale, Grangemouth, Falkirk, Motherwell and Liechtenstein, the few who are actually lucky enough to be allowed to live within the city boundaries are kept in secret areas on the outskirts of town such as Muirhouse and Wester Hailes, far from the public eye. Because of this, Edinburgh is quite often accused by some common stinking scaffie lower class scum folk as being 'snobby'. Where the hell did the soap dodging c***s get that idea from...

Scotland's capital city is also known around the World for its tarmac (or asphalt). Currently sold in 5, 10 or 15 kilogram pieces on the Royal Mile, Edinburgh tarmac is in high demand from locals and tourists alike. In fact so much tarmac is sold that on certain streets, cobbles can be seen poking through, often leading to heavy criticism of The City of Edinburgh District Council roads department.

The entire population of Edinburgh is made up of international tourists and the Polish. The inigenous Scots who work in the city, commute from neighbouring cities such as Leith, following legislation enacted by the Scottish Executive, travel permits must be issued by the Government to any Scot wishing to enter the city. This was due to the soaring trade in novelty bunnet hats, tartan and shortbread which have replaced all other sources of income.

93% of the population of Edinburgh work for One company , The Royal Standard Bank Of Council Widows.

The city attracts millions of visitors every year, this is because of the unique time warp that affects the area, which causes the city to remain in the middle ages.

Edinburgh is a satellite neighbourhood of nearby Dalkeith and orbits on a 7.1 mile radius around the heavily-mined southern Lothian town. Once every fifteen years the view of the Forth Road Bridge from Edinburgh castle is completely blocked-out for 1,327 hours as Dalkeith, and all the mining structures it still has, gets in the way.

Despite the fact that nearly everyone is English or descended from Saxons and has an upper-middle class accent, Edinburgh is actually part of Scotland and not civilization.

[Zen Archer (Raconteur)]

Ivor Cutler never had any cutlery.

[monkeyblair]

A caterpillar only has knees in the front 10 and back 10 rows of it's legs which is why it looks like this when it walks.

[Hedgecutter]

A caterpillar only has knees in the front 10 and back 10 rows of it's legs which is why it looks like this when it walks.

Celtic fans once boycotted the book because they felt a green, very hungry caterpillar was clearly a dig at the Irish potato famine. Literacy rates made the decision a bit easier though.

[banana]

Kenny G was a renowned plumber in his native Ljubljana.

[rustyarabnuts]

If you read the small print on a TV Licence, you find that it actually gives you permission to keep a colony of dung beetles in an outhouse on your property

[monkeyblair]

Sauchiehall Street in Glasgow was the site of the very first and very last Woolworths.

[banana]

If you read the small print on a TV Licence, you find that it actually gives you permission to keep a colony of dung beetles in an outhouse on your property

Jim Bowen MP East Chester is currently presenting parliament a bill that would protect these beetles under the Geneva convention in the case of insect war breaking out when the locusts finally arrive from Africa. He's quite bullish about his chances.

[jagfox]

Gabi Piccolo and his fitness cartel El Locos tracked down and arrested former Rangers owner Craig Whyte in an Acapulco bodega called Fat Sal's.

[Estragon]

Frazer Wright and Ian Wright share a paternal grandmother.

[Unleash The Nade]

Actor Dick Van-Dyke's real name is Penis Von-Lesbian

[Bully Wee Villa]

Peter Crouch can press Ctrl, Alt & Delete with one hand.

Edited November 27, 2014 by Bully Wee Villa

[banana]

Peter Crouch can press Ctrl, Alt & Delete with one hand.

[p&b is a disgrace]

Rory Gallagher was Dermott O'Learys grandfather