My book "KERBY", rated 5-stars

[Sweaty Morph]

No pressure!

Haha, cheers for checking it out. Hope it lives up to the hype!

No pressure at all. Really enjoying it so far.

[Pars fan]

Is there a reason you're looking to buy somewhere other than online - can I help you get a copy in any way ?

It's just something I don't ever get involved with. If you want to let me know an account to pay money into - I could do that, and you could send me one perhaps? Obviously I'd cover all costs. I hope it's all worthwhile for you, it's my life ambition to write a book, hopefully I can emulate your success one day!

[deadasdillinger]

It's just something I don't ever get involved with. If you want to let me know an account to pay money into - I could do that, and you could send me one perhaps? Obviously I'd cover all costs. I hope it's all worthwhile for you, it's my life ambition to write a book, hopefully I can emulate your success one day!

Happy to arrange that! Give me a PM and we'll sort it.

[gavin_3110]

But the singles version was simply called 3 & in, 1st kid to score 3 goals & your in the goal.

This sounds rather fairer than the football based games of my youth where the last to score 3 would go in goal because nobody ever wants to be a goalie.

Also when playing a semi structured match invariably the fattest and least athletic child would be forced to play the most important position, goalkeeper. A tactical disaster.

[Adam]

I finished this on the way to work today, a thoroughly enjoyable read. Congrats.

[Grim O'Grady]

This sounds rather fairer than the football based games of my youth where the last to score 3 would go in goal because nobody ever wants to be a goalie.

Also when playing a semi structured match invariably the fattest and least athletic child would be forced to play the most important position, goalkeeper. A tactical disaster.

Aye well it were such a fast paced game by the time you'd scored 3 you were glad of the rest in goals.

I don't recall there being fat kids when I was at skoo, so we just made use of the flying keeper rule, aka 1st player back was the keeper.

Maybe we used the posh kid as our fat lad keeper but that would still leave us 1 static short, maybe it was just Roger on one side & the flyers on the other. He was a big lad well more like we were all short arses. Didn't make him a good keeper though, I think we might have made him a referee/score keeper. Billy Calvert was a dirty bugger but you couldn't hit him, not cos he was younger than us but because his older brother Arthur was the cock of the skoo, mind you he had 4 other brothers, so no one fucked with any of them. Luckily my Mam was his Mam's mate, so we played together after skoo & at weekends do nobody fucked with me either, until the selfish b*****ds moved to Canada or was it Austealia. I forget now. He had a piece of hair at the front of his head that always popped up, no matter how much combing & his Mams spit she put on it, 5 min later it would be back up, he's probably bald now.

Grimbo

Edit me Mam not me man sounded right out of sorts for the 70's although on reflection knowing what we know now, eh?

[Tommy Nooka]

The best versions involved putting a milk bottle on their door handle so it slipped off and smashed at their feet when they answered the door

Or

Putting a dog shite on their top step then putting a piece of paper on top and setting it alight so they would stamp on it when they answered.

download.jpg

AKA Light-a-shite!!

I was never party to that particular pastime but I am ashamed to admit I was present when one of my mates put a rocket through someones letterbox.

What a fucking arsehole, imagine sitting in your living room and a firework screams through your hall?

I'm hitting a riddy just thinking about it.

[Dee Man]

AKA Light-a-shite!!

I was never party to that particular pastime but I am ashamed to admit I was present when one of my mates put a rocket through someones letterbox.

What a fucking arsehole, imagine sitting in your living room and a firework screams through your hall?

I'm hitting a riddy just thinking about it.

That is out of order but I can't help but pish myself laughing at the thought.

[deadasdillinger]

I finished this on the way to work today, a thoroughly enjoyable read. Congrats.

Every comment like this I get really makes the endless hours slaving away over a Microsoft Word document and reading the same pages over and over til I was blue in the face seem so worthwhile!

Delighted to hear you enjoyed it - cheers

[Dindeleux]

It doesn't take "determination" to get published this way. So long as it's not breaking any laws, Amazon will "publish" any old shite this way - the cut they get from any sales more than justifies the site space used & whatever print-on-demand copies are sold.

It's the old Citron Press scam on an industrial scale:-

http://www.theguardian.com/business/2000/aug/16/books.booksnews

Any one of you out there could get the free software and do this yourself with any old rubbish. Go on, try it. Amazon doesn't care so long as you follow their guidelines, the cut they take from the meagre sales made (& their size of operations) more than justifies any expense from the limited downloads or pay to print.

At least this one frees the authors from falling for the vanity press trap of paying for their own printing (in that respect for once good luck to Amazon). If it stopped Deadasdillinger from potentially being conned out of thousands of pounds, three cheers, but please don't be naive enough to think it's any big deal to get published in this manner.

But pity the poor authors when they start wondering when they're going to make any money from the fruits of their labours, & discover the hard way Amazon aren't doing it because they want to "revolutionise the printing industry". It's because if there's a sucker to rip off, they're happy to help them on their way.

For example: http://www.takepermission.com/hidden-fee-self-publishing-amazon/

But jealous of a vanity press ebook which - from what little the author has deemed fit to actually show - reads little better than if he'd cut and paste the routine nostalgia circle jerk threads which can be read on P&B daily & everywhere else on the net for free? Please, spare us all the display of faux outrage: if the same post had been made first by any of the usual suspects you brown nose on here 24/7, you would have merrily joined in:

See Spike and Chester? See Chester? That's you three - devoid of either original thoughts or a spine.

Hi mate,

Can you provide a link to the albums you've published, songs you've written, football teams you've played for & managed, books you've written, restaurants you've cooked for, cars you've built... and just about anything else you've ever held an opinion on but have never done yourself?

See where your Tu quoque fallacy takes you in turn?

Feeble even by your snot nosed standards Smurph - but that's what happens when you try playing to the crowd. Let it be a little lesson.

Heads gone.

[Gaz]

Cribby?

[Dindeleux]

It used to be good meeting cousins or new friends in the area or friends of friends from a different area......basically anyone who didn't go to your school......and introducing them to an amazing variation of association rules football that your school have created.

Only for them to turn round half way during the rules and say "ah just like combie then?" Or some other strange name you didn't know.

We ended up calling our game combie record. I'm sure most people know what I'm referring to.

[Dindeleux]

In my street in Horfield ........

Doesn't surprise me.

[Lisa Cuddy]

Doesn't surprise me.

Good one. Never been commented on before!

[deadasdillinger]

Need to sell one more copy to smash my first target of 100 - and do it within the first week!

Anyone want to do the honours?

[KnightswoodBear]

Need to sell one more copy to smash my first target of 100 - and do it within the first week!

Anyone want to do the honours?

I expect a thankyou w**k.

[DA Baracus]

If you mean British Bulldogs then it was obviously Join the Crew.

The lassies used to play their version called Red Rover.

Is the correct answer,

I remember british bulldogs from primary school, lots of cut knees and hands from playing it on the concrete.

"Chappy Chappy" was our version of knock door run.

What the f**k?!

[KnightswoodBear]

A boy at my primary school lost his entire eyebrow after being smashed face first into the shed wall playing British Bulldogs.

Ah, memories.

[deadasdillinger]

I expect a thankyou w**k.

Me right now.

Only joking.

[DA Baracus]

Anyone else play Manhunt? Basically there were a couple of ‘hunters’ who had to wait in a designated ‘base’ area, whilst everyone ran away and hid. In our version the ‘hunters’ had to count to 100 before looking for folk. If you were caught, you joined the ‘hunters’. The aim was to make it back in to the ‘base’ without being caught.

I see there has been talk of various football games. I feel I should outline the Saline, Fife versions;

World Cup – One keeper. Everyone vs everyone. We played it in rounds. In the first round you had to score one to go through. Next round was 2 on so on. To avoid folk getting jammy tap ins, you had to dribble to the edge of the box as a minimum before you could score.

Twosies – Basically the same as World Cup, but you played in teams of 2. Again to avoid jammy tap ins, there was the same rule a World Cup, but also a ‘1 pass rule’ whereby your team had to make a minimum of one pass before they could score.

Passy shooty – One keeper. You basically passed and shot. You had to make at least one pass before you could shoot. We made a box in which you couldn’t shoot. We didn’t play this very often because we preferred the next one.

Headers and Volleys – One keeper. This time you could only score with a header. Or a volley. Again we had a box, but headers were allowed in the box. We had a ‘one bounce’ rule, i.e. if the ball bounced more than once you couldn’t volley it. We also had the ‘keepy uppy’ rule which was you could control the ball and as long as it didn’t exceed the ‘one bounce’ rule, could set yourself up. You had to have been passed to though. The keeper was usually decided by someone turning their back and picking numbers. To confuse the picker, you would shout the number in the opposite direction of who you gave the number to. If you were feeling mischievous or the guy who turned their back had been a dick, he obviously got given all the numbers. We played ‘3 bar height’, which was you could put the ball over twice without repercussions, but the third time it went over, the person who hit it would have to ‘hit the sticks’ (go in goals). For a while we played it where it changed for every keeper (i.e. it was reset every time a new person went in goals), but eventually decided to keep it as a running tally that didn’t change with the keeper. If you put it wide, you had to ‘hit the sticks’. The full catch rule was also in effect. If the keeper caught the ball without it bouncing from a shot or header, they could throw the ball to anyone else and if someone scored with a header, the person who hit the shot would have to go in goals. The person who hit the shot is allowed to try and block the header, but can’t use their hands. Handball is an automatic penalty, whereby the offender has to take a penalty and if he scores, the current keeper continues, but if it’s saved or missed, the kicker has to ‘hit the sticks’.

The keeper could also ‘full catch’ the header, leading to all sorts of controversy. Volleys in the box that went in were automatic ‘hit the sticks’ offences. For a short time we introduced a ‘fancy’ rule whereby if you hit a ‘fancy’ volley in the box (e.g. overhead kick, bicycle kick), it counted. This was scrapped though as it turned in to folk smashing a volley from close range then doing a fancy dive after in an attempt to make it look ‘fancy’.

This reminds me of one of the most astonishing scenes of bullying I ever saw (and ok, was a big part of). We totally changed the rules for one guy, so that when he went in goals, it was pretty much impossible for one of us to be removed. Instead of ‘3 bar height’, it was 5, and the person who put the 5^th over got to take 3 penalties (from very close) and if he scored one, wouldn’t have to go in goals. We also introduced ‘5 post width’ with the same penalty proviso. Full catch headers were always ‘missed’. There was no box. The one bounce rule was abolished. We got to 102 before the poor guy ran away, saying he had to go to his gran’s for a Kitkat. This was a Sunday. He was off school the next day. We all said he had 102-itis. This was exceptionally cruel, and looking back a bit harsh, but at the time was hilarious. It was in P7.

5 a kicky – The same rules as headers and volleys, but every time someone had 5 scored in to the them, everyone got to kick them up the arse. This was done as hard as possible of course. I remember one time we gave a guy the chance of running away for 30 seconds. He bolted up a hill, so we stole his bike and threw it in a bush. That was in 5^th year!

This has nothing to do with football, but one time at a party, with a guy who lived in the middle of nowhere, myself and another burned a big cock on to the front lawn with petrol. It was there for about 6 months seemingly. Hedgecutter was possibly at this party.