The Minertaur Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 What noise did the nut make as it sneezed? Ca-shew! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerberus Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?It runs in your jeans. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LincolnHearts Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size. So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine, and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink. -1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 Jeremy Hunt was doing an annual visit to a NHS hospital. As always he was looking for something to beat the NHS with to show how badly run and loss making things were. While Hunt was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the middle of the roll ?" "Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll. We recycle whenever possible" "Oh," replied Hunt,, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. “What about all these coloured casts you dispense. Isn't it rather a waste of money?" "Ah, yes," replied the executive, realizing that Hunt was trying to trap him. "We ask that any patient wishing a coloured cast donates £1 which is far in excess of the 10p the colouring actually costs." Hunt asked a dozen or more questions with similar results. he was determined to fluster the know-it-all executive. "Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to government, and about once a year, at this time, they send us a complete p***k." 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerberus Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 A guy started his first day as a Glasgow bus driver. The trainer asks him "What would you do if there's a fight on the bus?" The guy replies "I would call the police". The trainer asked him next "What would you do if someone collapses on the bus?" The guy replies "I would call an ambulance". Finally the trainer asks him "What would you do if you can't get the fare?" Guy replies "The first 2 weeks in August will do". 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philpy Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 What's black and sits at the top of the stairs???Stephen hawking after a house fire. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweaty Morph Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 What's black and sits at the top of the stairs???Stephen hawking after a house fire. What's the shortest album in the world?Stephen Hawking Unplugged. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted July 19, 2017 Share Posted July 19, 2017 A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job." The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?" The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell." The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job." The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is." The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!" The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long." The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify." The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!" The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side." The foreman does this and says "Ready!" The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long." The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job." The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!" The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side." The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!" The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a shit house door off a trawler." He got the job. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moonglum25 Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 Yorkshire boy runs into house and says "Dad gonny take me to circus." Dad asks why and the boy replies because its his birhday. Both go to circus and have good time and on way out boy see a sign for the fair and says " Dad gonny take me to fair." Dad says "Been to circus now want to go to fair" and boy says it's his birthday. They go to fair have a good time and are driving home past a farm when they see a sign "Donkeys for sale" Boy says "Dad gonny get me a donkey" and the father says "Been to circus, been to fair and now want a donkey" and the boy says it's his birthday. Both go into the farm and they select a donkey and the boy proudly announces that he is going to call it w****r. Not having any other transport they tie the donkey's legs together and put it on the roof of the car and of they set. As they go round a tight corner the boys looks out the window and sees the donkey falling off the car and says to his father "Dad, wankers off" and the father says "Been to circus, been to fair...................................... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 Three little ducks go into a Bar...... "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck. "Huey," was the reply. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?" The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?""No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."[emoji212] [emoji212] [emoji212] [emoji23] 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nsr Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 In which room was Theresa May cryogenically frozen? The conserve-a-Tory. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony Ferrino Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 10 hours ago, nsr said: In which room was Theresa May cryogenically frozen? The conserve-a-Tory. If Gary Lineker did Xmas crackers...... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony Ferrino Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eednud Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 Two peanuts walking in a park. One was assaulted. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buchan30 Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 woman going to jump of a cliff on the west of scotland,sailor says, dont do it, i will stow you away on a ship and you can start a new life in america,3 weeks later she is found and brought before the captain,he asks her, what are you doing on my boat,she replies, 1 of your sailors is stowing me away to america,he brings me 3 meals a day and in return i let him f**k me every night.the captain replies, oh he is fucking you alright, this is the dunoon ferry 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
19QOS19 Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 What's the difference between Walt Disney and Patsy Kensit? Patsy Kensit but Walt Disney. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustOneCornetto Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 1st scientist 'What's your thoughts on deja vu?' 2nd scientist 'We've already had this discussion.' 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LincolnHearts Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 I was walking behind a woman at 3 o'clock in the morning after a night out. She started walking faster, so I walked faster. She started running, so I started running. She started screaming, so I started screaming. I never did find out what we were running away from. -1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stimpy Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 Lad walking down the road gets mugged by two fellas and puts up a tremendous fight, finally the get the better of him and empty his pockets."64p, you fought like an animal for 64p?""Oh you can keep that, I thought you were after the £400 in my sock" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stimpy Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 There's a knock at the door and Davie goes to answer it, he opens the door and there's a snail. Davie picks it up and launches it down the garden and goes back to his tea.Two days later there's a knock at the door, Davie goes to answer it opens the door and there's a snail."What the f**k you do that for?" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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