hellbhoy Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 A smart arse teacher every morning after registration sits down and teases the class if the next student answers the next question correctly they can have the rest of the day off to do what they like. Only problem is that the questions are always impossible to answer. She the teacher always sits down and then asks questions like "how many fish are in the oceans", "how many grains of sand are in the Sahara desert", "how many oxygen particles are in the air" etc etc.... Wee Johnny hatches a cunning plan and next morning sneaks in early to class and places a thumb tack on the teachers chair. Registration takes place and Wee Johnny stands up and makes a bet if he gets her impossible question right when she sits down she has to take the class to the seaside paying for all of it. The teacher agrees smiling because she has another impossible question to ask and just as she sat down she quickly gets to her feet clutching her bottom and shouts out "OK, which of you monsters did it?". Wee Johnny stands up and jubilantly in joy sings out "it was me Miss and now that I answered your question I'd like to get my swimming trunks on the way to the beach thank you". 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggy Snake Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 What's the difference between weather and climate? You can't weather a tree but you can climate. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 7 hours ago, hellbhoy said: Old joke here. A head and I mean just a head turns 18 on his birthday and his dad takes him to the pub for his first pint. The dad proudly tells everyone at his local watering hole that this was his son and had just turned 18 and was having the boys first ever pint with him. The dad asks for two pints and a long bendable straw. He places his son on the table and gives the boy a straw to drink from. A few pints later the dad needs to go to the loo for a pish. Whilst in the toilet having a slash a massive fight breaks out and the father runs out of the toilet looking for his son. He shouts out "Son where ur ye?" and a few more times until he hears his sons voice from a pile of broken pub furniture. He rushes over and picks up his son all bruised and bleeding and asks him "Son, whit the f**k happened". The boy replies "Da, a fight broke oot and some fucker shouted out stick the heid intae thame and the next thing I knew I was flying in the air and then I blacked oot until noo". Things weren't much better the year before. On the head's 17th birthday his dad came in and said, "Happy birthday, son! I've got a present for you!" And the head replied, "It's not another fucking hat, is it?" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mantis Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 1 minute ago, GordonD said: Things weren't much better the year before. On the head's 17th birthday his dad came in and said, "Happy birthday, son! I've got a present for you!" And the head replied, "It's not another fucking hat, is it?" Plus he had no ears, so nobody ever bought him sunglasses. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mantis Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 What's the difference between an egg and a w**k? Spoiler You can beat an egg... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 What's the difference between light and hard? You can go to sleep with a light on... and when you wake up in the morning it stays light all day. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustOneCornetto Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 Student nurse sees an elderly man dressed and sitting on the edge of a bed with a suitcase at his feet. He insisted that he didn't need her help to leave the hospital but she explained the rules that he would have to be discharged in a wheelchair. He reluctantly let her wheel him to the lift and on the way down she asked him if his wife was meeting him. Old man says 'I don't know, she's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown'. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulises de la Cruz Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 What do you call a guy that's halfway home? Hamish. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eednud Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 Two parrots sat on a perch, one turns to the other and says "Can you smell fish?" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweaty Morph Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 I had a hard time getting over my addiction to Hokey Cokey. But I turned myself around that's what it's all about. Similarly, I had a hard time getting over my addiction to quoting Phil Collins lyrics.But take a look at me now. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustOneCornetto Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 When did Paul McCartney write Silly Love Songs? Spoiler From 1962 to 2017 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 What do you call a dog with wings? Linda McCartney 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustOneCornetto Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 David Hasselhoff walks into a bar. The barman is starstruck and says 'Mr Hasselhoff I'm your biggest fan, I loved you in Knight Rider, Baywatch, the lot. Can I get you a drink Mr Hasselhoff, maybe something to eat Mr Hasselhoff?' Hasselhoff listens then says to the barman 'Look mate just call me Hoff' Barman 'Oh okay then, no hassle' 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hellbhoy Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 My Mum years ago got so pissed on a night out she phoned home and asked me to phone her a cab home, I asked where she was to send the taxi to her and she came out with this stunner before hanging the pay phone up "I'm in the fucking phone box, where did you think I am?" True story by the way. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hellbhoy Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 A woman convinces her man what it means to feel like a woman during sex..... Spoiler Out came a strap on. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SlipperyP Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 I thought this was the joke thread not hellbhoys life stories 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eednud Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 What's red and white and travels at 100mph? A train drivers jeelie piece. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 Guy in the pub says to his mate, "As soon as I get home, I'm going to rip the wife's knickers off!" His mate asks, "Why?" The guy answers, "Because the elastic is cutting into my legs!" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustOneCornetto Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 Grandma Isa's first great-grandchild was born and after a few weeks, when the parents needed a break, she was given the job of watching the wee baby boy. 'Let me see the wee cutie' begs her pal Jeanie. 'Not yet' replies Isa. Five minutes later Isa refuses again and Jeanie is starting to get annoyed 'Why can't I see him, what are you waiting for?' Isa 'I'm waiting for him to start crying'. Jeanie 'Why's that?' Isa 'I forgot where I put him!' 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 On 6/12/2017 at 10:43, Hedgecutter said: Why did the man cross the road? He fell down the drain. This was the trophy winning joke told by my (then) 7yo younger brother at a package holiday kids talent show in Malaga. I can't remember exactly what my joke was, but it was definitely far superior. Absolutely shocking that a talent show rewards "awwww, look at the wee boy with stupid glasses on the stage" rather than genuine talent. The joke doesn't even make sense (should be "why DIDN'T the man cross the road?" if anything) and as a result I'm still, and quite rightfully raging 21 years on. You should have killed your whole family. They obviously prefer speccy magecky. You'd have got a year in a hospital. It's no wonder you've turned out as bad as you have. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.