mishtergrolsch Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 Did you hear about the Aberdonian who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, ‘Jackie – put your hat and coat on lassie.’ She replied, ‘Aww Fergus that’s nice – are you taking me to the pub with you?’ ‘Nah, I’m just switching the central heating off while I’m out.’ 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cardinal Richelieu Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 Or similarly, two guys in the pub. One says wistfully "Ah, my wife will be on the plane by now". "Is she going anywhere nice?" asks his pal. "Nah. She's just taking a couple of inches off the kitchen door.". 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ross. Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 44 minutes ago, mishtergrolsch said: Did you hear about the Aberdonian who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, ‘Jackie – put your hat and coat on lassie.’ She replied, ‘Aww Fergus that’s nice – are you taking me to the pub with you?’ ‘Nah, I’m just switching the central heating off while I’m out.’ Similar joke told to me over here when someone heard I was Scottish: My neighbour is Scottish. I went to visit him yesterday and he was stripping the wallpaper. "Are you redecorating?" I asked. "No" he replied, "I'm moving house". 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
19QOS19 Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 Did you hear about the Aberdonian who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, ‘Jackie – put your hat and coat on lassie.’ She replied, ‘Aww Fergus that’s nice – are you taking me to the pub with you?’ ‘Nah, I’m just switching the central heating off while I’m out.’Jim Royle likes this. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IainMorton Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 My mother in law was involved in an accident today and said that they guy she crashed into was drinking and on his mobile at the time. Police told her that he can do what he likes in his conservatory. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buchan30 Posted July 22, 2018 Share Posted July 22, 2018 Apologies if this has been posted before.woman going to jump of a cliff on the west of scotland,sailor says, dont do it, i will stow you away on a ship and you can start a new life in america,3 weeks later she is found and brought before the captain,he asks her, what are you doing on my boat,she replies, 1 of your sailors is stowing me away to america,he brings me 3 meals a day and in return i let him f**k me every night.the captain replies, oh he is fucking you alright, this is the dunoon ferry 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sujan Azad Parikh Posted July 23, 2018 Share Posted July 23, 2018 Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?" Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!" Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?" Patrick: "What school?" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 The inventor of the throat lozenge has died There will be no coffin at the funeral 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 "Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church... But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mansantoa Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 “Doctor doctor I keep stealing things”“Take a seat” 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melanius Mullarkey Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 On 23/07/2018 at 08:46, Sujan Azad Parikh said: Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?" Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!" Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?" Patrick: "What school?" Seriously m8, just give up. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sujan Azad Parikh Posted July 26, 2018 Share Posted July 26, 2018 When a tampon and a sanitary pad are competing at the races, which of them is going to win? The pad! The tampon keeps tripping on the string. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sugna Posted July 26, 2018 Share Posted July 26, 2018 5 hours ago, Sujan Azad Parikh said: When a tampon and a sanitary pad are competing at the races, which of them is going to win? The pad! The tampon keeps tripping on the string. On 24/07/2018 at 23:23, Melanius Mullarkey said: Seriously m8, just give up. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ebanda's Handyman Services Posted July 26, 2018 Share Posted July 26, 2018 Husband asks his wife to go fishing with him and she point blank refuses. He chances his luck and asks her if he can shag her up the arse or get a blowjob instead. Feeling a wee bit guilty, she reluctantly decides to give him a blowjob. She puts it in her mouth but takes it out immediately, spitting and spluttering. "YOUR COCK TASTES LIKE SHITE!!" she shouts. "Aye. The dug didn't want to go fishing either." 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mansantoa Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 "Doctor," says the receptionist, "the patient you just treated has died on his way out the door. What should I do?" “Just turn him around," says the doctor, "so it looks like he died on the way in.” 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mishtergrolsch Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 (edited) Dog walks into a bar and orders a pint and a packet of crisps." Wow" says the barman, "You should be in the Circus" Dog - "Why? Are they looking for Electricians?" Edited July 27, 2018 by mishtergrolsch 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mishtergrolsch Posted July 28, 2018 Share Posted July 28, 2018 Two rednecks are out in the woods hunting deer when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls 911. He gasps: "Ah think muh friend Cleetus is dead! Whut can ah do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, are you sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now whut?" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The DA Posted July 28, 2018 Share Posted July 28, 2018 6 hours ago, mishtergrolsch said: Two rednecks are out in the woods hunting deer when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls 911. He gasps: "Ah think muh friend Cleetus is dead! Whut can ah do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, are you sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now whut?" 'First, can you make sure he's dead?' 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jdog Posted July 28, 2018 Share Posted July 28, 2018 I hate being bipolar, it's amazing! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
topcat(The most tip top) Posted July 28, 2018 Share Posted July 28, 2018 I hate being bipolar, it's amazing!Jokes about mental illness are insensitive and unfunny 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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