Sweet Pete Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 3 minutes ago, GordonD said: Replying to a post I made in the Quick Question thread, in case anybody wonders what you're talking about! I have no idea what you're talking about. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hk blues Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 31 minutes ago, DA Baracus said: Unless I am being wooshed here, why would anyone lie about that? Totally harmless stuff. I think something has been lost in translation. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inanimate Carbon Rod Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 12 minutes ago, Hillonearth said: I saw a vaguely woman-shaped creature a few weeks back that got knocked back from a local supermarket trying to use the time-honoured "S'm'assma" defence which would have probably been accepted had she not very visibly demolished a full fag in about three draws while walking from her car. Mrs got asked to provide a letter for a patient to be excused from wearing a mask because of asthma, patient hadnt used an inhaler in over 10 years. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hk blues Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 Not quite an excuse but close enough - Again in my HR days I had to give a statement to the police as one of our employees was arrested and charged with GBH or something like that. I had to confirm that all our employees had company-issued Stanley knives - the weapon that the employee had used in the alleged attack. He got off. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Florentine_Pogen Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 I work in the shipping industry and we can be randomly drug tested while at work. I never have been in 10 years, but they do pick people at random every month. One of my colleagues likes the occasional joint whilst on leave and therefore was apprehensive about the possibility of failing a drugs test on his return to work. He decided to combat this by purchasing a fake penis and urine off the internet to use for any drugs test he might encounter. A few weeks into his contract we received a customs inspection where they searched everyone's cabins for drugs etc. During this he was called to his cabin to be confronted by both his boss and a woman from Border Force holding said fake penis and bottle of urine. He explained that his girlfriend was going to be coming on for a visit soon and she was into "golden showers" but that he found the practice embarrassing and therefore got "stage fright" and so he bought them for use in their weird sex games. Amazingly, they bought it and obviously given the nature of the story, it was never brought up again. The boss couldn't really look him in the eye after that though.That surely is a 'lost script' from Inside No 9. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeWhoWalksBehindTheRows Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 1 hour ago, latapythelegend said: What the hell is a bucket kit? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melanius Mullarkey Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 Bucket kits are shite. Hot knifing is the way to go. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Marly Posted April 16, 2021 Author Share Posted April 16, 2021 Not quite an excuse but close enough - Again in my HR days I had to give a statement to the police as one of our employees was arrested and charged with GBH or something like that. I had to confirm that all our employees had company-issued Stanley knives - the weapon that the employee had used in the alleged attack. He got off. That's not an excuse, that's an injustice. If he used said knife what the f**k does it matter where he got it from? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
supermik Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 I was late the last person to finish my last degree exam. When I took my paper up to hand in, the invigilator told me that I was too late and therefore my exam would not count. I asked him in a loud voice “Do you know who I am?” and he replied with a smirk that he did not have a clue and couldn’t care less. I just smiled and said that was fine then put my finished paper in the middle of the pile on his desk.. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
microdave Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 When I was in my teens, my Dad woke me up one morning between Christmas and new year to ask if I was going to work. I told him I wasn't in until Thursday when he pointed out that it was Thursday. I phoned my boss and got in asap. My boss then spent days shaking his head and chuckling about it and told me it's the best and funniest excuse he'd ever heard for being late. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeWhoWalksBehindTheRows Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 32 minutes ago, Melanius Mullarkey said: Bucket kits are shite. Hot knifing is the way to go. What a waste of smoke. Hot knifes were maybe good up to the early 90s before people got wise. I'd imagine you must be around or over the 50yr old mark? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barry Ferguson's Hat Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 One utter fandan I had the misfortune of hanging around with while growing up got so wound up whilst playing Cuppy one day that he slapped the smallest guy on the pitch before running away home. When quizzed at school the next day as to why he would slap someone rather than punch them, he said that he had thrown a punch, but that the wind blew his hand open. 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 2 hours ago, supermik said: I was late the last person to finish my last degree exam. When I took my paper up to hand in, the invigilator told me that I was too late and therefore my exam would not count. I asked him in a loud voice “Do you know who I am?” and he replied with a smirk that he did not have a clue and couldn’t care less. I just smiled and said that was fine then put my finished paper in the middle of the pile on his desk.. Urban myth. Next you'll be claiming you once stole somebody's cheese from a hostel... 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
19QOS19 Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 Worked at KFC when I was 16. Was a lassie a year above me and an absolute wid, but she knew she was a wid and guys would fawn over her. I thought she was a drama queen and couldn't really be fucked with drama though. The best example being her excuse for taking a fucking age to get my food prepped - "I've broken my back". I burst out laughing and asked wtf she was talking about - "The doctor said I've broke my back so have to walk slowly". Absolute crackpot. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melanius Mullarkey Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, HeWhoWalksBehindTheRows said: What a waste of smoke. Hot knifes were maybe good up to the early 90s before people got wise. I'd imagine you must be around or over the 50yr old mark? If you’re wasting smoke you’re doing it wrong. f**k knows, I was off my tits for about 3 years. Edited April 16, 2021 by Melanius Mullarkey -1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SlipperyP Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 Hot knifes, it spats ffs. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pocketman Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 5 hours ago, microdave said: When I was in my teens, my Dad woke me up one morning between Christmas and new year to ask if I was going to work. I told him I wasn't in until Thursday when he pointed out that it was Thursday. I phoned my boss and got in asap. My boss then spent days shaking his head and chuckling about it and told me it's the best and funniest excuse he'd ever heard for being late. the best excuse he had ever heard for being late was that you saying you had forgot what day it was?? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
microdave Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 the best excuse he had ever heard for being late was that you saying you had forgot what day it was??Yes. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pocketman Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 (edited) 15 minutes ago, microdave said: 34 minutes ago, KingRocketman II said: the best excuse he had ever heard for being late was that you saying you had forgot what day it was?? Yes. Edited April 16, 2021 by KingRocketman II 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pocketman Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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