Hillonearth

Club rugby games do seem to attract a lot of chartered accountants called Cameron or Finlay, the type who turn up in enormous 4x4s wearing bunnets and Barbour jackets like they're country squires even though the car's never been off-road and they live in Hyndland.

I voted for everything except bears - unfortunately, I don't think enough of their habitat still exists unfragmented to make a reintroduction viable. Actually caught a brief glimpse of a wild boar in France once - we were travelling round Normandy and had stopped off at the big D-Day cemetery that was in Saving Private Ryan. There's paths down to the cliffs and we caught sight of one mooching about in one of the gullies off them.

Must admit, I thought it was already happening. I'm sure I saw they were on some enclosed estate up north.

No problem if they're native species that have previously been extirpated one way or the other. The re-introductions of Red Kites and White-tailed Eagles have been a success, so why not these other species which after all are part of our fauna? Some non-native species don't rock the boat with our ecosystem, the likes of Canada Geese and Little Owls haven't caused any problems, and some have been here so long we don't realise they're non-native - the Romans introduced pheasants to the UK for instance. There have been a few f**k-ups though, with the aforementioned Grey Squirrels, mink and the Ring-Necked Parakeets which are turning into a real pest in SE England - descended from escapes, the smart money was on the first hard winter we had killing them off until they realised they got by quite happily in the foothills of the Himalayas...

I hate that. Was over in Virginia a few years ago, and went to a chili restaurant in Alexandria that's apparently quite famous. On the menu was something along the lines of "Texas double sixgun hot & wild - try if you dare..." with flames around it and the obligatory three chilis. Tomato-ey mince.

Teach her how to light them.

Pretty sure he wasn't banned, I'm sure it was a voluntary "sabbatical" after the referendum. Don't think he's been back since though.

A teenage Ozzy Osbourne put in shifts as a trainee plumber, on a car assembly line and, famously, in an abattoir. "If you'd seen what I saw there, you would never eat meat again," he solemnly told one interviewer years later. "So you're a vegetarian?" he was asked. "No."

No, you're mixing him up with Chris Station.

Ooft. That moment when he realises that "ar" and "la" are actually two words... Oh, and that both the "a"'s should be accented. Reminds me of a mate who went to get a tattoo of a scorpion, only both he and the tattoo "artist" had only vague ideas of what one looked like. He pretty much ended up with a lobster on his arm.

First 10/10 in a while, though to be fair the nerve and Fungus questions were stabs in the dark.

We've had a good few in our work over the years - a guy called Windy, 'cos you always had to open one after he'd left, a really skinny girl whose best pal was enormous who collectively were called Twiggy and Tanky, and a boss we called Mr Burns - when he heard about it he was quite pleased, because he thought it was on account of him being strict. Less pleased when he found out it was because he looked a bit like Simon Weston.

If Chance died, would there be a ghost of a Chance?

What, no Bruces?

TBH both sides are as bad as the other in this case, and going by the punters I've spoken to have been having poisonous wee wet dreams about the fixture since it was announced. The odd thing about this one is that both sides are going out of their way to prove how not bothered about it they are: loads of damage limitation from one side in as much as the result however much of a pumping is an irrelevance, and the other side taking out newspaper ads to show how not bothered they are. Having the fixture back is about as welcome to the rest of us as having smallpox back.

Pour this on it: Give it five minutes, it'll be as right as rain.

Not necessarily when the "ILF" part comes into play.

Scarlett Johansson over Taylor Swift, who seems a bit like another one of those superannuated Mouseketeers that crop up every now and again. Jennifer Lawrence over either of them - whether it's just good PR or whatever, she seems to have the added bonus of being quite a good laugh, Plus we've all seen her in the nip.

It is if you're really Fish out of Marillion.

It's weird how names become really popular for a short period of time due to a TV show/music artist then fall out of currency just as quickly - it means you can date people by what they were named after in some instances. For example, I bet virtually every girl on the planet called Kayleigh is just coming up for her 30th birthday...

"We're not a frontline stakeholder" In English apparently it means it's got f**k all to do with us.

It's all about the surname with names like that: Magnus Shieldsplitter = sound, Magnus Barrington-ffitch = chinless wee knob.

There's only a few things I wouldn't touch. Pineapple in juice form is fine, but there's something about the texture of the actual fruit that sicks me out. Obvious ones like tripe and liver are no-nos, but the thing that makes me heave is gloopy tuna mayonnaise. Again, I quite like tuna in steak form, but I guess I've just cleaned up too much cat sick over the years to go for tuna mayo.

Quite refreshing this week - after loads of meetings peppered with wanky guru-speak, was in one with the big boss in charge of the whole shebang who peppered his presentation with swearing, with a few "b*****ds" and a couple of "fucks" in evidence.