chomp my root

Loads, here's my favourite Irn Bru ad, early 90's I think

A couple of us were bored and photoshopped guys we were working with heads on to porn pictures, most took it as good fun but one spat his dummy out and went greeting to the boss. I've drawn a Hitler tashe on a passport picture of Mrs Root who had her hair combed over. I use it as my phone picture for when she rings, I take great pleasure in showing people it, especially when she's there. I think I'm at the childish end of the humour scale.

Its got to have the lines of spunk coming out of it for authenticity, preferably arcing. I got into the habit of drawing/writing on mates cars a few back, dust was ok but snow was better. My high/low point of wit was writing 'I HATE THE DISABLED' across the top of the windscreen and because it was dark he didn't notice it, he wiped off all the usual cocks and 'MY MUM'S A DIRTY' etc but missed that one. It was on his car until the next morning and apparently the penny dropped why he was getting 'funny' looks. Still not sure whether to be proud or ashamed.

I think your workplace can have a bearing on your humour once you've been there for a while. Certainly the things you can get away with saying varies from work place to work place and that will maybe dictate what passes as acceptable.

Add Team America (well most things the Southpark guys have done) and Dumb and Dumber to the list and I'm in. As a rule I like puerile stuff but I like subtle stuff too. I doubt I'll ever grow out of laughing at farts, I don't want to be in a world where farts aren't the funniest thing ever, although I'm fond of a humorous wanking story too.

We moved into it new 13 years ago, it was split between Persimmon (the larger amount of houses) and Wimpey, while I can't say for a 100% that they were all privately owned the ones on my street were, we bought off plan and had plenty options, we bought one of the Wimpey ones, there's definitely no flats either, there's some Persimmon ones further along the estate so I'm not sure where the 3 flats are, just flagging up that the survey's not entirely accurate. I know that councils are a lot better now about getting social housing tacked on to new schemes, I assumed they would be 'Rented other social' though as they tend to be run through housing associations. Its not something I've given a great deal of thought to so might be wrong. A thought has just occurred to me though, I wonder how much of the social housing costs of new schemes gets passed on to the folk who buy one. these large businesses aren't daft when it comes to making a quid.

Snap, we've got some damned working class type renting their hoose off the council despite it being a private estate. 3 flats apparently too , there's flats further along but it does make you question some of these stats, good to know we're 'poontang heavy', 123 hombres to 147 burds, plenty spare. An interesting read though, I'm looking forward to the next one.

Some narrow minded types do get a bit picky about this kind of thing.

My mates missus was telling about the village fair she'd been at and how the pulled pork burger was "to die for" (I hate that expression) and they even had vinison burgers but she didn't try them because they were "dead dear". When we fell about it took her a while before she realised she'd said "dear" , we still had to explain she'd said "dead deer". Bless her, she got there in the end. Saying that, she's well matched with my mate, he was telling me and mrs Root about his new 'fox leather' computer chair, that's fox spelt faux, he had the decency to look embarrassed.

I suppose if you can't reach yourself then you might have to settle on a handjob. I certainly prefer to kiss after a handjob, I've no interest in swapping spit after a lassie has had a wee chomp on the wee chomp.

Whatever the question, National Service is not the answer. Having not long left the Forces, you're not even supposed to swear at people and those are the ones who want to be there supposedly, trying to get people who have no wish to be there to do just about anything will be impossible. We don't even have enough people to do our 'real' (I know, I know) jobs let alone spend time turning the 'great unwashed' into model citizens.

Sorry for the late reply, I've been unemployed and in a complete rut (and probably depressed at one point) and while I was lucky enough to have a family that I could have fallen back on (and did when me and the artist formerly known as Mrs Root parted ways). One of the things that MIGHT have helped was being given a job, as in "this is what you're doing" kind of thing, probably over simplifying it but with hindsight looking for a job seems a bit like a dating website (I've never been on one, not cos I'm so Goddamn beautiful, just been with the same burd for way too long) in that its easy to wait for the 'perfect' gig. In Chompland I'd be giving compulsory training for the completely feckless, which would vary, whether its for low self esteem or to learn to read/write or whatever. While its maybe not feasible to guarantee everybody a job, its what we should be aspiring to. I honestly think people are happier when they're 'pulling their weight', most of us have bitched about our jobs, I don't know anyone who is truly happy working but accepting an 'underclass' and writing them off isn't fair either, whichever side of the divide you fall in to. In Chompland the living wage would be enough to motivate people to work, especially combined with the Hitleresque 'not working' diktats. What I would go with though is if the state can't find you a job then you'll get generous dole but you'll be expected to take a job as soon as one can be found for you. I'd also give people who've contributed for so many years 3 months worth of minimum wage dole if they're made redundant, that gives them 3 months to find another job that suits them, if after that they're still on the brew it would be a case of they take what they can and look to get a better gig while doing whatever job they get. Fair, maybe not but its not fair to expect society to bankroll people either, as you say, "f**k knows how to sort all that out", vote Chomp though.

My draconian (and not going to happen) measures would be for those that despite what they say are never going to work unless they somehow land a top job with a blank CV. Its more of a shaming them to work to support their kids (the fact that they're working would mean they get benefits as opposed to not working and getting benefits). If they decide to 'stick it to da man' and stick to their principles (?) and refuse to take a job they would get their benefits taken off them and be unable to support their kids so the kids would be better off without the freeloading parents. It wouldn't be a blanket approach and not targeted at single mums, I'm no John Major (although I would pump Edwina even now, I've not done an MP ...yet ). Its only a part of the plans for when the rest of the world comes to its senses and appoints me as Emperor of Everything.

I got it.

Well my unpopular opinion is that people who are unwilling to work to support their families (as opposed to those that genuinely can't) are unfit role models so apart from not getting dole (and the other welfare payments) their kids should be taken into care until the parents are willing to do their bit. I'd hope the threat would be enough for it not to happen. 'Their bit; might well involve help from the government but they should be setting an example to their kids. This is very much a snapshot of my 'perfect world' and at the 'not gonna happen' end of my 'solution' but despite my general live and let live approach to life I think kids are due a decent role model...... I'm not as right wing as that sounds and its never going to happen but that's my unpopular opinion.

I mind us playing Meadowbank Thistle through there and getting really frustrated with Stainrod, never mind not running around like a headless chicken, unless the ball was played straight to his feet he didn't move for it. It was one of the very few times I abused one of our players, certainly the worst abuse I've shouted (nothing drastic, more lazy b*****d stuff).

My thoughts were that there's the potential for some kind of personality thing, it wouldn't have to be a 'clash', just a manager maybe letting his views of a guy get in the way, same as every walk of life. I'm not passing this off as anything other than a possibility, not trying to stir up anything, I haven't got a clue and its close season so the mind wanders.

I guess there will be more misses than hits at that age, each year loads of lads don't make the cut and I guess we're trying to find those that 'slip through the net'. There's plenty of examples of guys who were dropped but have come on. If we can find one every few seasons that ends up 'making it' and goes for decent money then it makes sense for the club to give these guys a crack.

I think we've a couple of trialists playing tonight, don't know if anyone on here is at the game but any info would be appreciated.

I'd be happy to have Gordon. We're thin on that side of the park and he can cover at CB apparently so gives us a bit of flex, a bit like McGinn did when he played in a back 3. As you say mate, PH plays a bit free and easy with the press so who knows.

Aye, probably bollox but there's always the PH connection that will give it legs. He was the reason O'Dea joined apparently. If Mulgrew has been told he's surplus and realistic about wages then he MIGHT be looking to carry on playing in the SPL for less wages, especially if he's financially sorted. He could probably get more money down south but maybe wants to stay for family. All total speculation on my part but not too far fetched. I'll not hold my breath though.

I mind we were trying to sign him when Callum Melville came to town. I was jizzing at the idea. Now....who am I kidding, pass the kleenex. I'll believe it when I see it on the official site though.

I've been a bit absent, we still going with a butler are we. We're nothing if not classy.

How many did Snoop score then ? O'Dea must have been doing something right. To be honest I thought they were as bad as each other and it seemed way too niggly for a pre-season game. Highllight of the game was Goodwin's tackle on the Ref.

Ha, we must have different spies in the camp then, I was told a couple of weeks back that they were going pretty well (I was given a number which seemed decent at the time). We really need a ratings system for the assorted taxi drivers, pal's granny's dug's etc, the whole leaked info gig is getting dragged into disrepute here. I'm sure the EU would have got round to it but that'll not be happening now.