The DA

He scored 18 in season 2002-3, 16 in the league and 2 in the big cup. Half of his league goals were penalties. I remember watching his international appearances and getting really frustrated with his square passing, especially when we were chasing the game. That kind of thing might have worked for Italy or Spain but we didn't seem to have the ball-players elsewhere on the pitch to take advantage of the possession.

Bet he's a hit with the ladeez - 3600 ft!

Sorry, you're right. Focus.

I think it might have been before then. As a kid in Dundee in the late 60s, I remember hearing someone singing a song - at a family New Year party maybe - about the keeper, John Thomson, being 'kicked by a big Orange H**'. I'd no idea what it meant then but there were RC and Protestant relatives present and neither seemed to take offence. Maybe I was just too young to be aware, though.

I suspect the poison might have always been there but we east coasters just didn't realise it. It just wouldn't occur to us.

If it goes to trial, some juicy entertainment is going to be available to all. If it doesn't go to trial, the Scottish Polis are going to look rather foolish - an awful lot of our money spent for no obvious return. Careers might be at stake. This could get interesting. Roll on April. (Have I introduced you to April? )

I can't imagine SDM will have slipped up there but, then again, I can't believe the Billionaire Boy will have been that daft either. Expecting scenes - or it won't go to trial at all.

I didn't want to put words in anyone's mouth.

It had been forgotten about - we'd played them in 2010 and 2011 with no mention. It only resurfaced post-liquidation.

A badge of hunour, you might say.

Enlighten us, then. I remember the bad feeling over the abandoned match - didn't one of the supporter groups take United to court - but that issue seemed to have been forgotten by 2012. Where did the animosity come from?

Just as a refresher then - I wouldn't like it slip from your memory. I can't remember exactly when or how it started, either, but I can guess. United weren't the only the team to vote against the Newco club being admitted directly into the top tier. We weren't even the first to announce. Stephen Thomson may have been a bit out-spoken but he wasn't the only one. Neither were we the first set of fans to serenade you all with a hearty rendition of YNRA - I recall Motherwell and ICT fans beating us to that and I'm sure some of the fans in the Third Division were also up for a little reminder. We weren't the first of the Traitorous Top League sides that you met either - again ICT and Motherwell got there first, albeit both at Ibrox. I suspect it all comes down to the boycott match and the hive-mind mentality of the average Bear. It was the first time Rangers were going to play one of the the TTL teams away from home. The Vanguard Bears and the Union Bears (and St Charles of Green) then decided this was the best way to 'hit the b*****ds in the pocket' and, in an attempt to manufacture some spurious justification, resurrected semi-forgotten memories of the 2009 abandoned match. So, really bennett, it all seems to come down to United being 'first to the ball'. As I recall we were on that day in February 2013. We still have that 100% record against your club.

What have we done to upset you, dear bennie? It's not like we've beaten you in a cup final, or assaulted your players, or goaded your fans. What have we done to incur your displeasure?

This really is clutching at straws. The Ministry of Doublethink would be pwoud, vewy pwoud.

So predictable, Kinky. But your first sentence has a certain validity.

They do. They're posting as The_KIncardine and Bennett. I've set them more challenging objectives for the last quarter.

My bollocks talk, apparently... and make more sense than T_K

It's nice that we can both enjoy the same things. I suspect the diddies might enjoy it for longer, though.

Surely that didn't come as a surprise to you?

Barton apparently involved in a bust-up during training and banned from Auchenhowie. That's what I call an escape plan.

Again, Shull cuts through the emotion and gets right to the heart of the matter.

That picture gives me nightmares. Like something by Lovecraft.

Admit it, bears. There are very few clubs who have you wondering whether they'll still exist when you're due to play them.

To be fair, Athens is less of an upheaval for his family. They'll just need to jump on the train. And the ferry. And a plane. And a coach. And a taxi. Handier for them than Glasgow.

To be fair, he's got the look of one of those poor wee souls who invest their limited intellect in one thing to the exception of all others, in this case Rangers. Right, I've set it up - someone else can tap it in.