BFTD

FTFY, for old times' sake.

I always got the impression that Skittles man had just woken up that morning with his newfound talent/curse. Seemed pretty miserable about it, but I'm guessing he perked up when the offer came in for a transfer to the Skittles manufacturing plant.

Kid hasn't had nearly enough wedgies IMO. Also, why would you ask weans about having a clean arse? They don't even bother wiping half the time And how the hell is Andrex supposed to get your arse cleaner than any other toilet roll? Does the puppy come round to lick your ring?

^^^ Mick Dundee Did you all sing Sky a song as she left on her boat?

^^^ Stupid Names for Kids thread for this pish On the plus side, at least the management team don't have to go to the hospital for colonoscopies with her around.

Ooh, don't do that shit. My brother-in-law thought that would be a good idea when the wife and I got married, and publicly declared that he'd be married by the time he was 30. He's in his forties now and still pulls the same trick every few years. I don't even think he knows why he wants to be married, just that it's what people do. Would probably be much happier getting rattled into the local slappers than setting up dates with boring divorcées TBH.

Alright, put me down for FLOPSY and POOKY. Send the wife to Throbber if I got her name right; if I got yours, donate yourself to medical science. Ta!

Oh, f**k, don't. I'm having flashbacks

Ooh, that's actually a worse crime than giving your wean one of these victim names; parents who throw a fit when folk call them anything other than exactly what's written on their birth certificate. They're not dolls, you creepy weirdos - you don't get to control everything. I'll call your sprog Shitebag if I damned well feel like it

Jesus. Did the dentist guess why your gums were in trouble?

A delightful evening lies ahead. For clarity, I'll slip out the back door when I hear you say the word "gemütlich".

^^^ the voice of experience Edit: ooh, you and your quick-posting ways

That's a dangling worm if ever I saw one.

Remember, pinch and heid forward. Don't listen to the 'heid backward' lobby, unless you're a vampire. Irrelevant and boring story: when I was a bairn, I was at the swimming pool and suddenly everyone started yelling that I had a nosebleed. There was no blood in the pool, and none on my hand when I touched my nose. The lifeguard hauled me out and sent me off to the first aid post, where the lassie responded like I was a road traffic accident victim before I even said why I was there, and had me sit with my head between my legs with a towel pressed to my nose for ten minutes. Once she saw that the bleeding had stopped, she sent me off to get changed, which is when I noticed that I didn't have a spot of blood on me, and neither did the towel. Still think I was victim to the strangest, and most elaborate GTF in history

Fair enough. Bacardi Breezers instead?

Zelda from the Terrahawks Well played. My exposure to Jo Whiley is limited, but I'd be happy to buy her a Créme de Methe and see how the evening progressed. Edit: In fairness to her, a'body loved John Peel as the Beeb's premier youth talent scout, and he was at it until he was 65. Steady, BEASTwatchers.

We accidentally had one once to show a visiting American relative what haggis tastes like. Didn't realise 'til afterwards that it was vegetarian, so it must've been a particularly good one. Sort of amusing that she specifically asked to try the sort of haggis that's banned in the US and we couldn't even get that right

Anyone willing to guess who he posts as on P&B? Probably not Miley, and I've never been to Bainsford and have never had highlights. I can't even imagine what that would look like on a middle-aged man

We all know there's only one answer to this. Get her shipped off to Zen and he'll fill us all in on the details.

Old Mumsnet trick. She's checking to see if you're really in the house and not out looking for strange. Prepare to be met with a dossier of all the times you didn't answer the landline and were out "with that hoor".

That was a while ago; nothing to say she's still that flexible. And you're assuming she'd be willing to use her talents. Bit of a "lie there and think of England" type IMO. Also, I'm guessing she wouldn't be too complimentary about my boner wilting whenever I heard her voice. Or about my superb man-tits and spectacular hobo beard. Frankly, I can do without that sort of negativity in my life. When you see her, let the poor lassie down gently, and chuck her in the direction of Inverkeithing.

^^^ BEAST (sorry, I know you're relatively new, but it had to be done)

Not even to stop her havering pish for a few minutes the rest of the night. Deffo the type to steal a man's bacon sandwich IMO.

Folk that float by when you're making a bacon sandwich and say, "Mmm, I could really go for one of those right now!" Could ye, aye? *munch munch*

Personality goes a long way with me, which is unfortunate for our Gabby. I'll get a grip of myself when you stop posting pictures of her, thanks. How's a man supposed to fap with that on the screen?