Ebanda's Handyman Services

That's the top of the tree, man! G_Man has cursed my PS3. I can't play Heavy Rain.

I saw a dog being hit by a car this morning. The stupid cow who was walking the dog just watched as it ran on to a main road and the woman in front of me swerved on to the other side of the road to avoid hitting it! Braw! Just cause a pile up because some daft bint can't control her moronic labrador. That's the third dog that I've seen being hit by a car and each and everyone of them just got up and started sprinting in any given direction. Humans are soft like. We'd just lie there buckled but dogs just run it off.

The snow is fast becoming similar to the weird relative that you don't have any time for not pissing off after a new years party. Some folk don't mind the novelty of this weird relative but most folk wish that he/she would just f**k off and not come back until next years party so we can sledge on him/her for a few days before getting bored and wishing that he/she would piss off again. The fitba will be off on Saturday too thanks to this cold white weird relation.

I'll attend it's funeral on the condition that there are sausage rolls at the wake. Shortbread too.

People who do big exaggerated noises when they sneeze get right on my tits. Usually because I near on pish myself with fright when they do it. It's tantamount to hiding around a corner and screaming in someones face when they come around.

Better safe than sorry, pal. Dinnae worry about it, it'll just be a precautionary measure.

Remember, if the subject doesn't have a pie you hit them with a brick.

Correct. If the complications don't come until a year or two in, you're in business. I advise rooting it and booting it.

Have you hacked into the Pentagon and gained access to the Red button?

Aye, f**k the lot o' ye's. I'm away to the Rovers with ma boy.

That is spot on. Some people just like to cause unnecessary bother.

Talk rubbish I do. Hmmmm.

You need to be cruel to be kind sometimes. She might think that you're interested. She'll be telling all her pals that a nice guy gave her his number and they'll be all giggly and excited for her and planning wedding dress fittings and putting deposits down for venues for the big day etc. Break her heart now but save her financial heartbreak in the near future.

Have you tried telling her that you aren't interested?

I was sitting with 4 tens on Sky Poker on Saturday night and thought, "Braw, I'll reign the c***s in and skin the lot of them!" Ended up winning 80p. I'd turned £1 into £5 in the space of minutes previously too.

Good luck when the time comes SD. Our girl was born within an hour and a half but the wife said it was a lot worse than the 16 hours she took for our boy. Apparently the second birth is notoriously fast. Fingers crossed for you if today is a significant date.

Understandable. He's managed to get games on in a lot worse although the recent shitty weather won't help him any.

Set your alarm for ten past then. Ho ho ho. Have you any inside info on the Starks Park pitch yet bud?

An Alsatian accosted me one night and it was one slight movement from myself from wrapping it's gums around my limbs. When it's owner got it on the lead I had a right go at him whilst trying to hold in the imminent shite that the near attack brought about. Scary creatures like!

My wee girl has that daft sickness bug that's going around. We're taking 5 hour sleeping shifts just in case the poor wee thing chokes.

Watched Slumdog Millionaire tonight and felt that it totally lived up to the hype. Fantastic film. 9/10.

I hate the Skill Skool part of SoccerAM and wish they'd do away with it.

Lecturing? Good luck with the studies.

What are you aiming for after university vT?

But then his Mum will start the punching too and I've had enough.