Ebanda's Handyman Services

The standard of driving is getting worse. The other day, whilst driving along the road after leaving my Mum & Dad's house I saw a woman driving in the opposite direction. Thought nothing of it until the stupid hoor cut across me to turn right. Brakes slammed on, horn blasted and obscenities delivered. Ten seconds later, turning right from the same road towards the Asda r/about this complete fucking dafty tearing the arse out of his clapped oot Renault Megane nearly made my kids a genuine couple of b*****ds and not the kiddy on b*****ds that I often call them under my breath. I managed to get on the road to Dunfermline in one piece and saw a cars registration whose letters made the word 'KUNT'. Gave them a wide bearth.

Shame the ref got in the way that day as Barry Wilson was on his way off the pitch judging by the rage coursing through him. I love Barry Wilson by the way. I was speaking to him at the bar in Jackie-O's one night and upon learning that I was a Rover he offered to buy me a jar. Top man!

I'm also a fan of Darren Smith. Hope we keep him. I'd hate to play against him as he always has the defender on the back foot and he's unpredictable. A shit player like myself would probably resort to kicking him in the air if I got close enough to him as I'd know that one poncy attempt at a fair tackle would see him make a complete c**t of me. Darren Smith = White Gregory Tadé.

We'll be a right good team if some well needed firepower is added to our team. Our defence is fantastic, midfield is looking more creative with Walker play-making and hopefully Tadé playing wide right and if we start to hit the net more often we'll be in for a good season I reckon. The news about Smith points even more towards Williamson starting on the left next season though....

Turn it back on her by telling her that people who are cheating usually accuse their other halfs of cheating to alleviate the guilt.

Dissapointed that John is away. He helped me out a lot with wee bits and bobs and the last time I spoke to him he gave me a wee pep talk for the presentation. All the best, John.

Dancing is shite. Shuffling side to side feeling all uncomfortable and occasionally throwing your arms about like you have that muscle spasm disease. Fucking rubbish. Men should only dance when it has a good chance of getting them fired in about a woman.

Only 1 hour remaining of my CEL secondment. I'll miss my temporary team, they're all good guys. My own team are sound too, thankfully.

We are a good proposition for players who want to go part time. I'd love Deuchar at the club.

No, he jogged around at half pace doing f**k all which is probably one of the top reasons he was released. Sloan will always have a special place in my heart for scoring perhaps one of the most important Raith goals in recent times with that glorious free kick versus Brechin. People must be watching a different Davidson from me. The player I see who supposedly runs around like a headless chicken is putting constant pressure on key midfield players, panicking them into shit passes and often giving them a healthy wee reminder that they won't get any time on the ball. Fair enough, he isn't our most consistant or most pleasing on the eye performer but every team needs a player like that who will do the donkey work.

Was it not him who was on the verge of tears when going on about how Ayr would win the league after we skelped Brechin 4-0? I'll boo the life out of him!

You can't do anything but laugh! There's an Ayr fan down the bottom right who holds his hands up as if to celebrate when Dave the Witch makes the 3rd save. He puts his hands down and looks towards his seat despondently and I can almost guarantee he said an exasperated, "f**k sake!". Can't stress enough what a brilliant 'keeper we have in McGurn.

Pal and neebs are my preferences and I also dislike the overuse of 'mate'. Especially from people who I don't even know.

Alasdair, I'm currently looking at a Honda Accord in the Kirkcaldy branch. 8k I'm sure it's currently priced at. Any chance of knocking that down to about 6k? I'll be yer pal! PM me to arrange this fantastic offer. Regards, Andy.

Holy f**k! Am I right in saying that she's unemployed? We may have found the reason why.

The garden at the moment is grass and a shed! I'll give the steps a bash and post pics for your hilarity.

That's what the wife reckons too. I'd have been confident of doing the concrete steps myself but I'm not so sure about doing the wood. As daft as that seems.

This is my proposals to the wife for the garden this summer. She isn't keen on the concrete steps leading down the side though.....

I thought Murray's goal would win it easy too. Total cracker, my wee boy only landed a couple of weeks ago after throwing him in the air when Bert's shot flew in. Would have thought Laurie's header would have made it in. Everything about that goal was perfect from the brilliant delivery matched by an even better timed run and header in to the top corner. Craziest I went all season when that header ripped in.

My auld man was on something like five holes in one. Safe to say he didn't make the tea often. Sawgrass was my favourite, mainly for the island 17th.

Me, my Mum and my Dad would all play PGA European Tour on the Megadrive with the loser getting tea making duty. Barry, min!

Durrrrrrr! Go in to these places and have a laugh about forgetting your details. That way the CV will be brought back to their attention and they might see you as a good guy who can laugh at himself. Either that or they'll think you're a complete walloper and point and laugh you out the door.

Didnae really hear much else, pal. Alloa were mentioned in the conversation that I overheard in the bogs.

Dave McGurn swept up at the player of the year awards. Jamie Mackie received the Young Player of the Year from a terrified and sweaty Andy C. I think Sloany is away though guys.

Offft! I'm a buckled mess after playing 15 minutes of 5's. Fantastic signing.