Ebanda's Handyman Services

I'll not do it tonight Neilly, it's too cold outside. Are you going to the Pars game at home by the way?

We'll probably be in the same state Michael. I'm going to suggest Kittys as there's always some older folk there and we'll not feel out of place. Introduce yourself any time by the way. I'd totally blend in if some of the bawbags I've seen down the high street recently are anything to go by. Aye, f**k them! I'd happilly spend the whole night in the local anyway!

I intend on being mashed before I leave Starks Park so I probably won't give a toss. I think I'm just a bit touchy about now being in my thirties. All the kids out on the lash will look at me like I'm an old man!

I'm going out straight after the Raith v Dunfermline game for my stag night but I'll still have my suit and club tie on. Will I look like a complete yahoo or will the cool young things accept me back in to the world that I once gracefully inhabited?

Congratulations Seamus. All the best.

Were you tasting it?

Agreed. Just use the time until she's 16 to show her what a great listener and friend you can be. And then swear like f**k when she loses her virginity to a complete fanny and asks you, her friend, for advice when she thinks she's pregnant.

Grandma Death? Is she checking her post box?

Getting the snip is like willingly having your balls electrocuted for about 30 minutes. The only time my balls have ever bled before the snip was when the kitten came in the bathroom when I was shaving in the scud. Just a wee bit of encouragement for anyone considering it there.

Cole was like that for the first 6 months. Thankfully the baby Gaviscon worked a treat for him but it isn't always successful unfortunately. We used to lie him on our knees and rub his wee tummy which also used to soothe him a bit. I'm so glad that my wee girl didn't get it as it's horrible not being able to comfort the wee things. Hopefully this woman will be able to help. Ron, get a grip man! I get the distinct impression from PM's that you've sent me that you won't feel good about what you've written. There's an intelligent man behind the bile and I don't think that you are really as nasty as that but unfortunately you seem to play up to the idiots on here who try to act cool by laughing at the vitriol you post.

See my techniques are working already. I've given you the confidence to request the sacking of someone who does you no good. I'll throw in kickboxing lessons gratis, ok?

Tell the college to sack her and employ me as your confidence coach. I'll tell you that you're the berries for 15 minutes nae bother. Kids are weak as f**k nowadays like, due to being pampered all the time. Do they have kickboxing coaches for the sappy kids now too?

What have you hurt Lyn-Marie?

That's frustrating. It's like doing a 10 hour shift and getting paid 20p.

I agree that relying on a confidence coach is only going to set you back. The best thing for you would be to jump in at the deep end, swim like f**k and build confidence from the fact that you didn't drown. Metaphorically speaking of course. I don't want the guilt if it transpires that you did actually throw yourself in the deep end and drowned.

To complete the ninja effect you should sneak around the house and see how long she takes to notice that you're home. I showed the girl and she didn't give me that look as if to ask what she was doing with me which means she was impressed. I might transform into a ninja when I get home from work tonight. Your pic - It was in the 'Random Pictures' topic I'm sure. The link above is totally SFW.

It bloody well works! I did it when I got home from work on Tuesday when the family were in bed and instantly had a compulsion to sneak around on my tiptoes.

Braw! Keep your head up. The one on your neck I mean. The pickpockets don't stand a chance Adam. I learned how to make my t-shirt into a ninja face mask on the NSFW forum so I'll do that and stealthily kick f**k out of them.

How's things Kilt? I'm going in November in honeymoon. I intend on drinking, sleeping, eating and doing what comes naturally when on honeymoon in Rome, going to the Olympic stadium. Cannae wait!

"My friend likes you so we can't get it on" = I think you're a nice guy and I don't have the bottle to tell you that I don't fancy you. Just get rattled in aboot her pal.

Great result today but there was some clown sitting a bit at the back of me trying to make the crowd laugh with the cringey pish he was shouting but he was failing miserably. I didn't look back but I got the impression that he would be looking around for acclaim every time he shouted something. I hate that I get embarrassed for other people. They should just stick to the no shit basics like our Renton. "Haw Finney, you're a c**t!" That'll do the job!

I'm totally confused though. I'm away to my bed.

My sister is my gran.

Nowhere near as good as my Mum!

Am I racist for assuming that every Chinese person in the world is shit hot at Karate?