Ebanda's Handyman Services

I don't mind folk getting a wee help with things like EMA. It's just the wee fannies like yourself who make out that they don't need it and see it as a great big 'Look at me, I'm getting taxpayers money to blow on shite GIRUY' that piss me off. You might understand when you pay taxes if you ever do.

Get a job ya White Lightning drinking benefit cheat!

What a complete waste of money. Why do you spotty young virgins need money handed out to you for f**k all? To buy White Lightning and go on mindless Lightning fueled vandalism sprees? To buy condoms for the sex that you'll never get? To buy CoD MW2 and then sit in your darkened room pretending that you are a soldier and occasionally grunting at your hard working Mum & Dad who can only shake their heads in disbelief at the mess of their kid? Get a job you lazy b*****ds!

I know it's cheeky to ask but how much do you get with the EMA?

At least you're alright FF. Learning curve and a' that. When I first started driving I nearly pinned an old woman up against a wall in a car park. Then I got in my car. Seriously, I nearly killed the dottery old bugger.

Hancock. 5/10. It was alright but I felt they could have had so much more comedic value out of Will Smiths character.

The only time I've been out of my bed or off the couch was to take the wee boy to nursery and pick him up again. I must have a bug or something.

I remember the good old days when I never let a hangover register. Now I'm a total lightweight. I hope we're quiet at work tonight but cannot see it due to Sky Player going on to the bloody Xbox360.

I'm still feeling the effects of Saturday nights drinking. I can see me having at most 2 pints at our wedding on Saturday as I've totally scunnered myself with the drink. Only two nights at work this week at least and then I'm off for about 2 and a half weeks.

MMSM might be on to a wee earner here. £5 per kick at his stepmums fanny. You'll be minted in no time neebs.

I've no doubt it is. I was just telling you about the amount of folk that didn't have it in the correct slot.

I'm not saying that you have done this but the amount of folk I've dealt with on Freesat who didn't have their card in the right slot was terrible. Going to cable is cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Suave, handsome gentleman with plummy accent shags some birds, fires some modified guns and ultimately gets the upper hand over some extremely hesitant bad guys who wouldn't have to worry about Bond if they shot him in the face when they got the chance. That is a summary of every single James Bond film for you stuart.

Agreed. Although I did enjoy Casino Royale.

I think he was just being polite when he included Ayr. They aren't genuine contenders like we are.

Isn't Ben Archibald who wrote that piece 'Arch' on here?

I'll not do it tonight Neilly, it's too cold outside. Are you going to the Pars game at home by the way?

We'll probably be in the same state Michael. I'm going to suggest Kittys as there's always some older folk there and we'll not feel out of place. Introduce yourself any time by the way. I'd totally blend in if some of the bawbags I've seen down the high street recently are anything to go by. Aye, f**k them! I'd happilly spend the whole night in the local anyway!

I intend on being mashed before I leave Starks Park so I probably won't give a toss. I think I'm just a bit touchy about now being in my thirties. All the kids out on the lash will look at me like I'm an old man!

I'm going out straight after the Raith v Dunfermline game for my stag night but I'll still have my suit and club tie on. Will I look like a complete yahoo or will the cool young things accept me back in to the world that I once gracefully inhabited?

Congratulations Seamus. All the best.

Were you tasting it?

Agreed. Just use the time until she's 16 to show her what a great listener and friend you can be. And then swear like f**k when she loses her virginity to a complete fanny and asks you, her friend, for advice when she thinks she's pregnant.

Grandma Death? Is she checking her post box?