Zen Archer (Raconteur) Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 If that happens, i'll fellate a spaniel. Cocker sucker. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dundeebarry Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 An ill-advised 1am bike ride across the Tay Bridge on a friend's bike on Saturday past resulted in me going arse-for-tit over the handle bars and breaking my collar bone. As I was mid-air I thought, "f**k, this is going to hurt," and sure enough my shoulder-first return to concrete was a sore one. After lying moaning in the fog on the bridge's central reservation for a few minutes, I tentatively checked my shoulder and found a nasty bump that, to the best of my limited anatomical knowledge, wasn't meant to be there. Hospital time. I managed to drag myself back to my mate's house in City Quay then got taxied to Ninewells. A&E was mercifully quiet. I had a nurse take a top quality Jackass-style photo of me with the x-ray of my first broken bone. I was quite drunk and handling the pain well. Alcohol's a great natural anaesthetic. It was quite the carry on. I went home with the promise to return to the fracture unit first thing in the morning. I woke up hurting like f**k. With the booze worn off the grim reality of a broken bone kicked in. It was fucking painful. When I got up to the hospital the doc started testing out my injury. When he manoeuvred it into a sling the pain was awful. I managed to say, "Mate, I feel a bit faint here," before the lights went out. Next thing I know I'm waking up on my back on the floor, halfway outside the cubicle into the corridor of the ward. Three nurses are over me dabbing my head with a damp cloth and trying to help me up. Fucking shambles. I went to the doctor today, and scored the following: Two weeks off work 100 codeine-based pain killers A bottle of laxatives. Apparently the pills will give me constipation. I beg to differ. Having been on them since the weekend I've maintained a regular turd regime. Why even just half an hour ago I dropped something much like King Kong's thumb into the bog. I shit like a champ, ain't no need for further assistance. So anyway, that's me all set for two weeks of getting high and pebble-dashing the toilet. Let the good times roll. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IainMorton Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 Walking down to the bus stop from work this evening and two females stopped me in the street. I thought my luck was in until they asked if I was the Real Radio Renegade. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reynard Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 An ill-advised 1am bike ride across the Tay Bridge on a friend's bike on Saturday past resulted in me going arse-for-tit over the handle bars and breaking my collar bone. As I was mid-air I thought, "f**k, this is going to hurt," and sure enough my shoulder-first return to concrete was a sore one. After lying moaning in the fog on the bridge's central reservation for a few minutes, I tentatively checked my shoulder and found a nasty bump that, to the best of my limited anatomical knowledge, wasn't meant to be there. Hospital time. I managed to drag myself back to my mate's house in City Quay then got taxied to Ninewells. A&E was mercifully quiet. I had a nurse take a top quality Jackass-style photo of me with the x-ray of my first broken bone. I was quite drunk and handling the pain well. Alcohol's a great natural anaesthetic. It was quite the carry on. I went home with the promise to return to the fracture unit first thing in the morning. I woke up hurting like f**k. With the booze worn off the grim reality of a broken bone kicked in. It was fucking painful. When I got up to the hospital the doc started testing out my injury. When he manoeuvred it into a sling the pain was awful. I managed to say, "Mate, I feel a bit faint here," before the lights went out. Next thing I know I'm waking up on my back on the floor, halfway outside the cubicle into the corridor of the ward. Three nurses are over me dabbing my head with a damp cloth and trying to help me up. Fucking shambles. I went to the doctor today, and scored the following: Two weeks off work 100 codeine-based pain killers A bottle of laxatives. Apparently the pills will give me constipation. I beg to differ. Having been on them since the weekend I've maintained a regular turd regime. Why even just half an hour ago I dropped something much like King Kong's thumb into the bog. I shit like a champ, ain't no need for further assistance. So anyway, that's me all set for two weeks of getting high and pebble-dashing the toilet. Let the good times roll. Try and get those on repeat prescription. That could pay for a couple of decent foreign holidays every year. Every cloud.. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
broon-loon Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 An ill-advised 1am bike ride across the Tay Bridge on a friend's bike on Saturday past resulted in me going arse-for-tit over the handle bars and breaking my collar bone. As I was mid-air I thought, "f**k, this is going to hurt," and sure enough my shoulder-first return to concrete was a sore one. After lying moaning in the fog on the bridge's central reservation for a few minutes, I tentatively checked my shoulder and found a nasty bump that, to the best of my limited anatomical knowledge, wasn't meant to be there. Hospital time. I managed to drag myself back to my mate's house in City Quay then got taxied to Ninewells. A&E was mercifully quiet. I had a nurse take a top quality Jackass-style photo of me with the x-ray of my first broken bone. I was quite drunk and handling the pain well. Alcohol's a great natural anaesthetic. It was quite the carry on. I went home with the promise to return to the fracture unit first thing in the morning. I woke up hurting like f**k. With the booze worn off the grim reality of a broken bone kicked in. It was fucking painful. When I got up to the hospital the doc started testing out my injury. When he manoeuvred it into a sling the pain was awful. I managed to say, "Mate, I feel a bit faint here," before the lights went out. Next thing I know I'm waking up on my back on the floor, halfway outside the cubicle into the corridor of the ward. Three nurses are over me dabbing my head with a damp cloth and trying to help me up. Fucking shambles. I went to the doctor today, and scored the following: Two weeks off work 100 codeine-based pain killers A bottle of laxatives. Apparently the pills will give me constipation. I beg to differ. Having been on them since the weekend I've maintained a regular turd regime. Why even just half an hour ago I dropped something much like King Kong's thumb into the bog. I shit like a champ, ain't no need for further assistance. So anyway, that's me all set for two weeks of getting high and pebble-dashing the toilet. Let the good times roll. What about the troops on bee watch...? They act at your slightest whimper or command............! They might ignore the fact that you are 'on medication' (most will have probably been there...) but I'm no sure they have the stomach for the massive clean up at Heid Honcho HQ that obviously comes with a 'bottle of laxatives'....? As ever, awaiting further orders.......I think..? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dundeebarry Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 Try and get those on repeat prescription. That could pay for a couple of decent foreign holidays every year. Every cloud.. That's a very good shout, actually. I'm no expert but I think 30mg is a decent dosage. I'm no drug dealer, but it's high time I started dealing drugs. Any c**t need some pills? PM me. Free thimble of laxative with every purchase. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dundeebarry Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 What about the troops on bee watch...? They act at your slightest whimper or command............! They might ignore the fact that you are 'on medication' (most will have probably been there...) but I'm no sure they have the stomach for the massive clean up at Heid Honcho HQ that obviously comes with a 'bottle of laxatives'....? As ever, awaiting further orders.......I think..? At ease, soldier. There's a distinct difference between the call-to-arms sounded on a bugle and the more tuba-like parp of my laxative-fueled dowp. Also, the gaseous emissions may ward off enemy attacks. My rectal odour is a more pungent form of mustard gas. French mustard, none of that English bullshit. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMartyn86 Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BcX4p5f5K6U 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dazzle Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BcX4p5f5K6U Was laughing so hard I had to pause it when I watched it the first time. Laughed just as much when I seen it on BBC3 throught the week. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Long live the 69 Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 Dressing up as the policeman from the Village People for a birthday tomorrow. Had to borrow my younger sisters leather jacket and a helmet from elsewhere (not dirty comments now ladies ) Feel like a macho man indeed! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uni Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 I'm starting to accept the notion that Amy MacDonald's newest track ("Slow it Down") is one of my all time favourites. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Broken Algorithms Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 An ill-advised 1am bike ride across the Tay Bridge on a friend's bike on Saturday past resulted in me going arse-for-tit over the handle bars and breaking my collar bone. As I was mid-air I thought, "f**k, this is going to hurt," and sure enough my shoulder-first return to concrete was a sore one. After lying moaning in the fog on the bridge's central reservation for a few minutes, I tentatively checked my shoulder and found a nasty bump that, to the best of my limited anatomical knowledge, wasn't meant to be there. Hospital time. I broke my collarbone playing football a few years back. I'd been ripped for pace by my mate, and I clipped his heel and then went over. Despite an audible crack, and a few "ooooft....ooosha", I reached the conclusion that I'd torn a ligament and it that it wasn't much to worry about. The next day and spending time agony when trying to move my arm, I said "here, maw, I think this is broken". Naturally, being the caring matriarch she said "naw, I don't think it is. You can go to hospital if you want...". Sadly, this question was asked mere hours before the first Fife derby in nearly a decade, and so I decided to head off to East End Park to watch Rovers get skelped 3-1 while sitting in utter agony. The following day, and a trip to A&E happened where I said to the doctor "I don't think its broken"...which was met with a swift reply of getting telt. Sadly, this occurred two weeks before the start of Uni. The upside was that when heading out with my arm in a sling, I was from time to time accosted by different lassies asking if I was alright. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LC1876=) Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 I broke my collarbone playing football a few years back. I'd been ripped for pace by my mate, and I clipped his heel and then went over. Despite an audible crack, and a few "ooooft....ooosha", I reached the conclusion that I'd torn a ligament and it that it wasn't much to worry about. The next day and spending time agony when trying to move my arm, I said "here, maw, I think this is broken". Naturally, being the caring matriarch she said "naw, I don't think it is. You can go to hospital if you want...". Sadly, this question was asked mere hours before the first Fife derby in nearly a decade, and so I decided to head off to East End Park to watch Rovers get skelped 3-1 while sitting in utter agony. The following day, and a trip to A&E happened where I said to the doctor "I don't think its broken"...which was met with a swift reply of getting telt. Sadly, this occurred two weeks before the start of Uni. The upside was that when heading out with my arm in a sling, I was from time to time accosted by different lassies asking if I was alright. Making noises like that, should have been you're clue, that something was up. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DAFC. Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 Had a dream I won the European Cup with Aston Villa the other night, and lifted the grand trophy with one hand, making a picture perfect moment. The same day, I drove up to Hampden to witness the Pars beat Hearts to win the League Cup, and was given permission to lift it. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itzdrk Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 Had a dream I won the European Cup with Aston Villa the other night, and lifted the grand trophy with one hand, making a picture perfect moment. The same day, I drove up to Hampden to witness the Pars beat Hearts to win the League Cup, and was given permission to lift it. John Terry IMO 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dundeebarry Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 (edited) Sadly, this question was asked mere hours before the first Fife derby in nearly a decade, and so I decided to head off to East End Park to watch Rovers get skelped 3-1 while sitting in utter agony. The following day, and a trip to A&E happened where I said to the doctor "I don't think its broken"...which was met with a swift reply of getting telt. Sadly, this occurred two weeks before the start of Uni. The upside was that when heading out with my arm in a sling, I was from time to time accosted by different lassies asking if I was alright. You were a brave man attending the match. I'm not sure I'd have managed a Dundee derby of the same magnitude had it fallen on Sunday there. I went for a pint last night. (Given the fact I'd been battering into the pain killers all day I nursed the same one for an hour then had a Coke. Sensible as f**k). I did notice I was drawing some sympathetic glances from the girls! I also met the Lithuanian lassie I mentioned in the 'How weird are you?' thread, which was nice The thing I'm taking bad with most is not being able to sleep in any position but on my back. I usually sleep on my front or curled up on my side. I keep instinctively trying to move into these positions and getting a resulting blast of pain, which doesn't make for great night's rest. Getting a t-shirt on and off is also a bit of a nightmare. All-in-all, it's totally worth it for the time off work Edited June 1, 2012 by dundeebarry 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jimmy85 Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 Sky Arts 1 is where it's at tonight folks. Get involved. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JamboMikey Posted June 2, 2012 Share Posted June 2, 2012 (edited) The following day, and a trip to A&E happened where I said to the doctor "I don't think its broken"...which was met with a swift reply of getting telt. Sadly, this occurred two weeks before the start of Uni. The upside was that when heading out with my arm in a sling, I was from time to time accosted by different lassies asking if I was alright. Are you Ted Bundy? Edited June 2, 2012 by JamboMikey 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DAFC. Posted June 2, 2012 Share Posted June 2, 2012 My dream last night involved ghost hunting with Paul Merson and Chris Kamara. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Brightside Posted June 2, 2012 Share Posted June 2, 2012 My dream last night involved ghost hunting with Paul Merson and Chris Kamara. Unbelievable, Jeff! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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