Depression

[paranoid android]

14 hours ago, philpy said:

I think the black dog has a kennel in the garden. I'm back to work on Monday but my anxiety is on overload. I can see the faces, and the "banter"... "How was your extended holiday" "enjoy your skive" the foreman being in the huff because he had to work 2 Saturdays in a row. . They don't know the dark days. I feel like dropping my colleague off on Monday, turning the car, heading home, shutting the curtains and pulling the duvet over my head.

You never know, Philpy - it might not be that bad.  On the other hand, if your work situation is exacerbating your depression, it may be time to see if you can find something different.

Hope you're ok, man. 

[Guest Moomintroll]

I think the black dog has a kennel in the garden. I'm back to work on Monday but my anxiety is on overload. I can see the faces, and the "banter"... "How was your extended holiday" "enjoy your skive" the foreman being in the huff because he had to work 2 Saturdays in a row. . They don't know the dark days. I feel like dropping my colleague off on Monday, turning the car, heading home, shutting the curtains and pulling the duvet over my head.

philpy, I know the feeling, spent 4 months last year doing exactly that. I had to do it as I now realise I was utterly broken, you wont want to do it but get to the doctors and be brutally honest as to how you are feeling, it takes far too long but they will get you referred to a psychologist eventually and that is when you break yourself but in the medium term put yourself back together again with their help. It is not easy and it isn't pretty but I really believe if I didnt listen to my wife (after years of her trying to get through to me) and the experts then I wouldn't be on the planet today. Get help before it overwhelms you.

[philpy]

Cheers folks. Out for a walk at the moment, going home to get my tea them I'm drafting up a CV and cover letter for a job that's a five minute walk from the house. Slight drop in money, but not drastic. 12pm finish on a Friday! I think loneliness is playing a part in things as well. I do know a few folk over here, but socialising can be difficult, folk work shifts, folk have young families. I don't want to seem like a burden either.

[Priti priti priti Patel]

If you need any help with the cover letter, I am happy to help.

23 hours ago, paranoid android said:

You never know, Philpy - it might not be that bad.  On the other hand, if your work situation is exacerbating your depression, it may be time to see if you can find something different.

Hope you're ok, man. 

[paranoid android]

7 hours ago, Margaret Thatcher said:

If you need any help with the cover letter, I am happy to help.

Arf - made me laugh anaw! 

[DAFC.]

I don't know exactly what has caused a change in my circumstances, but I don't seem to be able to get motivated at all for anything, especially work. I don't particularly enjoy my work, but it's ok. I've never felt like this before though. My job involves visiting properties and interviewing people and I feel like I physically cannot do it. When I'm sitting in work I feel disoriented and sometimes get heart palpitations, especially when it's a loud office and there is lots of noise. Not just at work though, I've noticed recently even at the barbers I start getting anxious and sweaty when it's loud. I've also been getting sweaty palms and pins and needles in my hands when at work. Sometimes when I hear the door open from the counter staff I get so anxious in case someone is going to approach me. Not constant, but when it happens I feel like I'm trapped within myself and want to just run away for miles. Last night I was tempted to do just that. Enough is enough. I've booked an appointment with my GP tomorrow to get to the root of this. Like I say, I don't know where this has come from. I earn a decent enough living, have the most wonderful partner you could hope for and have a brilliant family around me. I have told nobody of this apart from a very close friend who went through something similar. Not sure exactly what you could classify this as but it's getting me down and I'm really struggling to keep up the brave face. I'll let all you guys know the outcome tomorrow x.  

[Tony Ferrino]

33 minutes ago, DAFC. said:

I don't know exactly what has caused a change in my circumstances, but I don't seem to be able to get motivated at all for anything, especially work. I don't particularly enjoy my work, but it's ok. I've never felt like this before though. My job involves visiting properties and interviewing people and I feel like I physically cannot do it. When I'm sitting in work I feel disoriented and sometimes get heart palpitations, especially when it's a loud office and there is lots of noise. Not just at work though, I've noticed recently even at the barbers I start getting anxious and sweaty when it's loud. I've also been getting sweaty palms and pins and needles in my hands when at work. Sometimes when I hear the door open from the counter staff I get so anxious in case someone is going to approach me. Not constant, but when it happens I feel like I'm trapped within myself and want to just run away for miles. Last night I was tempted to do just that. Enough is enough. I've booked an appointment with my GP tomorrow to get to the root of this. Like I say, I don't know where this has come from. I earn a decent enough living, have the most wonderful partner you could hope for and have a brilliant family around me. I have told nobody of this apart from a very close friend who went through something similar. Not sure exactly what you could classify this as but it's getting me down and I'm really struggling to keep up the brave face. I'll let all you guys know the outcome tomorrow x.  

Love the fact you can come on here and say that, and the best of luck to you.

Most people are good c***s.

[Richey Edwards]

I recently found myself having to distance myself from a now former friend (who happens to have some sort of narcissistic personality disorder) because she was just too difficult to be around and I no longer enjoyed her company.

She repeatedly sent me abusive text messages calling me a bad friend so I did not speak to her for about three weeks and yesterday I recieved further abuse for "doing nothing to save our friendship". What?! Isn't the whole idea behind friendship that it is a two way thing?

I'm not one to abandon people who are in need but I don't think there's anything I can do apart from severing all ties with her. I don't believe that she even wants to help herself. She is trapped in the cycle of treating people badly and then wondering why they don't want to spend time with her.

[AL-FFC]

26 minutes ago, Friedrich Nietzsche said:

I recently found myself having to distance myself from a now former friend (who happens to have some sort of narcissistic personality disorder) because she was just too difficult to be around and I no longer enjoyed her company.

She repeatedly sent me abusive text messages calling me a bad friend so I did not speak to her for about three weeks and yesterday I recieved further abuse for "doing nothing to save our friendship". What?! Isn't the whole idea behind friendship that it is a two way thing?

I'm not one to abandon people who are in need but I don't think there's anything I can do apart from severing all ties with her. I don't believe that she even wants to help herself. She is trapped in the cycle of treating people badly and then wondering why they don't want to spend time with her.

My ex was like that got to remember with narcissists they will manipulate anything to say and do to make it your the problem not them.  All mind games with them even have you doubting yourself to the point where you will question yourself. your doing the right thing by cutting them off as only way to deal with a narcissist is to steer clear and don't react to anything they say or do as they want the reaction from you.  Narcissist only see the world from their point of view they wont even see they have a problem its the rest of the world at fault not them.

[Richey Edwards]

20 minutes ago, AL-FFC said:

My ex was like that got to remember with narcissists they will manipulate anything to say and do to make it your the problem not them.  All mind games with them even have you doubting yourself to the point where you will question yourself. your doing the right thing by cutting them off as only way to deal with a narcissist is to steer clear and don't react to anything they say or do as they want the reaction from you.  Narcissist only see the world from their point of view they wont even see they have a problem its the rest of the world at fault not them.

Just for comparisons sake, I picked up another friend on Monday and we just went a drive and talked nonsense. I had not seen him for about three months prior to this (not for any particular reason, we were both just busy) and there was no mention of the fact that we hadn't seen each other for such a time. Why is this? Normal  functioning adults are capable of not seeing each other for a long time and then meeting again and getting on as if there was never any absence. Narcissists are parasitic and constantly need people to feed off of.

[Stellaboz]

I had a really sad dream last night involving my mum and dad and broke down crying this morning when I talked about it, or tried to.

I'll be totally fine for days then something small or silly will trigger all the tough feelings and past events back and I have to get the f**k away from everyone and be alone for a bit.

[bobbykdy]

3 hours ago, Stellaboz said:

I had a really sad dream last night involving my mum and dad and broke down crying this morning when I talked about it, or tried to.

I'll be totally fine for days then something small or silly will trigger all the tough feelings and past events back and I have to get the f**k away from everyone and be alone for a bit.

Completely understandable, you have had a hellish time of it losing both parents in a short space of time. You will learn to live with it eventually but in the meantime try not to stress too much as you can end up making yourself ill. Get out and do things you enjoy to try to take your mind off it. All the best.

[Richey Edwards]

3 hours ago, Stellaboz said:

I had a really sad dream last night involving my mum and dad and broke down crying this morning when I talked about it, or tried to.

I'll be totally fine for days then something small or silly will trigger all the tough feelings and past events back and I have to get the f**k away from everyone and be alone for a bit.

As bobbykdy said it's completely understandable and a normal reaction for such dreams to upset you.

Grieving is a process and it takes time, you'll have days were you are fine and days were seemingly minor things make you upset.

The important thing is not to consider breaking down and crying as a negative thing, because it's part of the process. If you need to cry or take some time to be alone then do that.

Take care, and if you ever want to talk about anything then feel free to message.

[Stellaboz]

Thanks. Yeah I've been trying to keep busy and focus on all the good in my life, although I find I just want to chill at home more often than not. My gf helps though, even when she doesn't know. I'm luckier than most.

[Richey Edwards]

34 minutes ago, Stellaboz said:

Thanks. Yeah I've been trying to keep busy and focus on all the good in my life, although I find I just want to chill at home more often than not. My gf helps though, even when she doesn't know. I'm luckier than most.

Sounds like you have the right attitude and have good positive things in your life to occupy yourself.

It's great that you are keeping yourself occupied. Grieving is important but it should never occur at the expense of other aspects of life. I have seen people who had their whole lives consumed by grief years after their loss because they did not allow themselves to grieve properly at the time, it's not a very nice thing to see. 

Losing people we love is never easy, but you will get through it when you're ready. Just take your time and go through at your own pace.

[welshbairn]

35 minutes ago, Friedrich Nietzsche said:

Sounds like you have the right attitude and have good positive things in your life to occupy yourself.

It's great that you are keeping yourself occupied. Grieving is important but it should never occur at the expense of other aspects of life. I have seen people who had their whole lives consumed by grief years after their loss because they did not allow themselves to grieve properly at the time, it's not a very nice thing to see. 

Losing people we love is never easy, but you will get through it when you're ready. Just take your time and go through at your own pace.

I'm not too sure if you can choose how to grieve. Had lots to sort out for my Dad's funeral a couple of years ago so had little time to dwell on it, though barely held back the tears during my bit at the funeral. I still heat a plate for him for dinner without thinking about it, and odd memories will pop up sitting on a bus that will get my eyes leaking. It's a slow process, and some of grieving isn't bad, it's just remembering.

[Guest JTS98]

Ok. Not sure where this will end up, so let's see. Not actually sure where to start.

On the face of it, things are fine. I've got a job I like and am good at and quite specifically chose, I am pretty sociable and have mates etc, until recently I had a pretty nice girlfriend but decided to break up with her because it wasn't for me (this is not part of the problem, I'm cool with that decision). Basically, things look fine.

However, I get absolutely crushing anxiety, social self-doubt (despite always having had mates and seemingly being quite sociable), and general stress. Stress about everything. About decisions in the past, about work that day, about decisions in the future that haven't even arrived yet, about relationships, about anything that pops into my head that day.

This means that despite seeming fine from the outside, I routinely feel my chest absolutely pounding, I often have sore teeth because I constantly grind my jaw, I've made the inside of my cheeks bleed by grinding them so hard in my teeth. I rarely sleep a full night.

On top of this, for the last 4 years I've had a chronic pain problem as a result of an infection I had. Without giving too much away and identifying myself to anyone who knows me, it's not the kind of pain you tell people about and most people think I've got a bad 'back'. I've been off work for most of the last six months, including the last three straight signed off. I've been seeing a specialist for the pain, but the results have been so-so. Not much improvement at all, really.

It was my birthday recently, and I was seeing my specialist the day before it. It was a bad session. It became apparent that I'm stuck with this, basically, and that I need to get used to that. That is an entirely unpleasant thought after four years of pain, especially as the treatment I'm getting now was highly recommended to me and was seen as being perfect for what I have.

On the train home, it came into my head that a fast train goes through the station that I get off at without stopping. I got my phone out and checked to see if one of the fast trains was due for around the time my train was getting in. I was pretty pissed off to find that there wasn't one going through till much later.

At no point did it occur to me that I'd be devastating my mum, who was waiting to pick me up at the station, or the rest of my family. At no point did it enter my head that the next day was my birthday and that that might be nice. At no point did I think of the people who would witness it, or the train driver who would go over the top of me. I wasn't frantic, I was just quite focused on what I wanted to do and I was really annoyed that I couldn't do it. It didn't occur to me how fucked up that was until that evening  when I just about had a heart attack thinking about it at home.

Four days later I was back at the station waiting for my train to my next session when I knew the non-stopping fast train was about to come through. I had to actually run up the stairs and remove myself from the platform because I was convinced I'd chuck myself in front of it. I'd actually had a beautiful moment of clarity that that was exactly what I should do before snapping out of it. I stood at the top of the stairs breathing very heavily listening to the train pass. Again, as I stood on the platform, none of the bad sides of it, family, friends, bystanders, never seeing another morning etc, were of any relevance to me. Just didn't come into my head. That's what makes it so scary.

That's not happened again. I've used the trains several times since then with no fuss.

But soon my sick line from work expires and I need to go back. I've not really got much idea of how that will go. I don't really feel like much has changed, but I either go back or I stop getting paid and ultimately lose my job. I work abroad, which adds an extra element to it. It's been good having the old support networks at home for the last few months. To be honest, I'm pretty nervous about going away again. Some days it seems fine, other days it's fucking terrifying. I didn't go to the Hearts game today because I was stressed out about the prospect of going back. Sat with the radio on not really caring what happened about it at all.

Tonight I feel fine. Tomorrow, who knows?

I've only told one of my mates about the train episodes. There's a lot going on at home and I feel like bringing this up with the family at this time would be a huge burden on them. There are enough problems as it is. I just frightened myself with the cold clarity of chucking myself under a train. It makes me feel pretty cold now to think about the complete lack of a dissenting voice in my head. No panic, no frenzy. Just a practical view that this is what to do. I'm unsure whether it'll happen again.

 

Edited October 20, 2018 by JTS98

[welshbairn]

I'm sure someone else will have more knowledge and better advice, but in the meantime, don't jump in front of a fucking train! It's a horribly selfish and cruel way to top yourself, and not even that reliable, so just don't. Winter's coming soon and a wander into the hills with a bottle of spirits and little clothing would do the job without all the drama and collateral damage. Which is absolutely not my advice, learning how to live with the pain is the thing. Your other troubles are probably a symptom of that. If drugs won't help, you need to find a way of undermining it in your consciousness. In other words, a shrink or therapist who can help you find a way of downplaying the pain and getting on with life. Samaritans are another shout, mate of mine does shifts for them who's sound so you might be lucky. Hopefully someone with more useful advice will follow.

[DA Baracus]

1 hour ago, JTS98 said:

Ok. Not sure where this will end up, so let's see. Not actually sure where to start.

On the face of it, things are fine. I've got a job I like and am good at and quite specifically chose, I am pretty sociable and have mates etc, until recently I had a pretty nice girlfriend but decided to break up with her because it wasn't for me (this is not part of the problem, I'm cool with that decision). Basically, things look fine.

However, I get absolutely crushing anxiety, social self-doubt (despite always having had mates and seemingly being quite sociable), and general stress. Stress about everything. About decisions in the past, about work that day, about decisions in the future that haven't even arrived yet, about relationships, about anything that pops into my head that day.

This means that despite seeming fine from the outside, I routinely feel my chest absolutely pounding, I often have sore teeth because I constantly grind my jaw, I've made the inside of my cheeks bleed by grinding them so hard in my teeth. I rarely sleep a full night.

On top of this, for the last 4 years I've had a chronic pain problem as a result of an infection I had. Without giving too much away and identifying myself to anyone who knows me, it's not the kind of pain you tell people about and most people think I've got a bad 'back'. I've been off work for most of the last six months, including the last three straight signed off. I've been seeing a specialist for the pain, but the results have been so-so. Not much improvement at all, really.

It was my birthday recently, and I was seeing my specialist the day before it. It was a bad session. It became apparent that I'm stuck with this, basically, and that I need to get used to that. That is an entirely unpleasant thought after four years of pain, especially as the treatment I'm getting now was highly recommended to me and was seen as being perfect for what I have.

On the train home, it came into my head that a fast train goes through the station that I get off at without stopping. I got my phone out and checked to see if one of the fast trains was due for around the time my train was getting in. I was pretty pissed off to find that there wasn't one going through till much later.

At no point did it occur to me that I'd be devastating my mum, who was waiting to pick me up at the station, or the rest of my family. At no point did it enter my head that the next day was my birthday and that that might be nice. At no point did I think of the people who would witness it, or the train driver who would go over the top of me. I wasn't frantic, I was just quite focused on what I wanted to do and I was really annoyed that I couldn't do it. It didn't occur to me how fucked up that was until that evening  when I just about had a heart attack thinking about it at home.

Four days later I was back at the station waiting for my train to my next session when I knew the non-stopping fast train was about to come through. I had to actually run up the stairs and remove myself from the platform because I was convinced I'd chuck myself in front of it. I'd actually had a beautiful moment of clarity that that was exactly what I should do before snapping out of it. I stood at the top of the stairs breathing very heavily listening to the train pass. Again, as I stood on the platform, none of the bad sides of it, family, friends, bystanders, never seeing another morning etc, were of any relevance to me. Just didn't come into my head. That's what makes it so scary.

That's not happened again. I've used the trains several times since then with no fuss.

But soon my sick line from work expires and I need to go back. I've not really got much idea of how that will go. I don't really feel like much has changed, but I either go back or I stop getting paid and ultimately lose my job. I work abroad, which adds an extra element to it. It's been good having the old support networks at home for the last few months. To be honest, I'm pretty nervous about going away again. Some days it seems fine, other days it's fucking terrifying. I didn't go to the Hearts game today because I was stressed out about the prospect of going back. Sat with the radio on not really caring what happened about it at all.

Tonight I feel fine. Tomorrow, who knows?

I've only told one of my mates about the train episodes. There's a lot going on at home and I feel like bringing this up with the family at this time would be a huge burden on them. There are enough problems as it is. I just frightened myself with the cold clarity of chucking myself under a train. It makes me feel pretty cold now to think about the complete lack of a dissenting voice in my head. No panic, no frenzy. Just a practical view that this is what to do. I'm unsure whether it'll happen again.

 

Sorry man, that sounds shit.

It sounds like there's something fucking you up (obviously). Reading between the lines it's your illness that is causing the issue, and perhaps that anxiety feeds in to your job.

I think you need to identify what is making you feel this way. Be really honest with yourself. Be prepared to make sacrifices, because your health is more important than any job (plus you have the experience anyway which will be good if you want to get back in).

Never be afraid to prioritise yourself. We seem to be conditioned to never do so. f**k that so much.

Get yourself to your GP. Sounds easy I know but I get that when you're suffering like you are that it can seem daunting. Sorry, but there isn't an easy answer. You have to call them or walk in and speak to the receptionist. Think of it as a choice; start getting better or don't. You have to be blunt with yourself.

Also try and find someone to talk to. Could be your parents, a sibling or another family member. Could be a friend. Could be helpline. Could be someone on here. I'd be happy to chat over PM. Just find someone.

[ayrmad]

1 hour ago, JTS98 said:

Ok. Not sure where this will end up, so let's see. Not actually sure where to start.

On the face of it, things are fine. I've got a job I like and am good at and quite specifically chose, I am pretty sociable and have mates etc, until recently I had a pretty nice girlfriend but decided to break up with her because it wasn't for me (this is not part of the problem, I'm cool with that decision). Basically, things look fine.

However, I get absolutely crushing anxiety, social self-doubt (despite always having had mates and seemingly being quite sociable), and general stress. Stress about everything. About decisions in the past, about work that day, about decisions in the future that haven't even arrived yet, about relationships, about anything that pops into my head that day.

This means that despite seeming fine from the outside, I routinely feel my chest absolutely pounding, I often have sore teeth because I constantly grind my jaw, I've made the inside of my cheeks bleed by grinding them so hard in my teeth. I rarely sleep a full night.

On top of this, for the last 4 years I've had a chronic pain problem as a result of an infection I had. Without giving too much away and identifying myself to anyone who knows me, it's not the kind of pain you tell people about and most people think I've got a bad 'back'. I've been off work for most of the last six months, including the last three straight signed off. I've been seeing a specialist for the pain, but the results have been so-so. Not much improvement at all, really.

It was my birthday recently, and I was seeing my specialist the day before it. It was a bad session. It became apparent that I'm stuck with this, basically, and that I need to get used to that. That is an entirely unpleasant thought after four years of pain, especially as the treatment I'm getting now was highly recommended to me and was seen as being perfect for what I have.

On the train home, it came into my head that a fast train goes through the station that I get off at without stopping. I got my phone out and checked to see if one of the fast trains was due for around the time my train was getting in. I was pretty pissed off to find that there wasn't one going through till much later.

At no point did it occur to me that I'd be devastating my mum, who was waiting to pick me up at the station, or the rest of my family. At no point did it enter my head that the next day was my birthday and that that might be nice. At no point did I think of the people who would witness it, or the train driver who would go over the top of me. I wasn't frantic, I was just quite focused on what I wanted to do and I was really annoyed that I couldn't do it. It didn't occur to me how fucked up that was until that evening  when I just about had a heart attack thinking about it at home.

Four days later I was back at the station waiting for my train to my next session when I knew the non-stopping fast train was about to come through. I had to actually run up the stairs and remove myself from the platform because I was convinced I'd chuck myself in front of it. I'd actually had a beautiful moment of clarity that that was exactly what I should do before snapping out of it. I stood at the top of the stairs breathing very heavily listening to the train pass. Again, as I stood on the platform, none of the bad sides of it, family, friends, bystanders, never seeing another morning etc, were of any relevance to me. Just didn't come into my head. That's what makes it so scary.

That's not happened again. I've used the trains several times since then with no fuss.

But soon my sick line from work expires and I need to go back. I've not really got much idea of how that will go. I don't really feel like much has changed, but I either go back or I stop getting paid and ultimately lose my job. I work abroad, which adds an extra element to it. It's been good having the old support networks at home for the last few months. To be honest, I'm pretty nervous about going away again. Some days it seems fine, other days it's fucking terrifying. I didn't go to the Hearts game today because I was stressed out about the prospect of going back. Sat with the radio on not really caring what happened about it at all.

Tonight I feel fine. Tomorrow, who knows?

I've only told one of my mates about the train episodes. There's a lot going on at home and I feel like bringing this up with the family at this time would be a huge burden on them. There are enough problems as it is. I just frightened myself with the cold clarity of chucking myself under a train. It makes me feel pretty cold now to think about the complete lack of a dissenting voice in my head. No panic, no frenzy. Just a practical view that this is what to do. I'm unsure whether it'll happen again.

 

You need people to know who you are, living with that shit in your head without enough outlets to get it out just doesn't seem advisable to me.