Venti Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 10 hours ago, SlipperyP said: Nobody hits a banana tree like me (words from a Mauy Thai coach). That's going on your tombstone. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Molotov Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 1 hour ago, velo army said: @SlipperyP you're my absolute fucking favourite mate and I wouldn't fight you if I had a bazooka . I'll take you up on the game of pool though. I'd love to hear what's going on with you now man. What's the latest? Bazooka Pool. That could become an internet sensation! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Venti Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 3 hours ago, Molotov said: Bazooka Pool. That could become an internet sensation! C'mon man... Bazooka SNOOKA! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bairnardo Posted February 16 Share Posted February 16 Signed my marriage away today. Pretty fucking surreal tbh. Still not even sure why we did it but have certainly reached the point of acceptance. Fingers crossed now only 3 or 4 weeks till we're in seperate houses, but thats the scary bit in my mind.... What does life look like after that. I've so much in the past few weeks to try an dmake sure it all happens so she can get the house she wants that I havent permitted myself to let all that out.... I dont want to be skint or lonely.... I suppose I can work on the second one myself. Time will tell for the first! 18 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PB1994 Posted February 16 Share Posted February 16 1 hour ago, Bairnardo said: Signed my marriage away today. Pretty fucking surreal tbh. Still not even sure why we did it but have certainly reached the point of acceptance. Fingers crossed now only 3 or 4 weeks till we're in seperate houses, but thats the scary bit in my mind.... What does life look like after that. I've so much in the past few weeks to try an dmake sure it all happens so she can get the house she wants that I havent permitted myself to let all that out.... I dont want to be skint or lonely.... I suppose I can work on the second one myself. Time will tell for the first! I’ve got so much sympathy for you, which is kinda weird since you are a complete stranger, but from what I gather we have 2 kids of similar ages with little help for childcare etc. The fact is you really don’t get much time to spend together just as a couple and while I don’t like it I just accept it is what it is and deal with it which I think is exactly what you are doing as well. Whereas I don’t think the other side deal with it as well. Going by what you have said on here I see a few similarities with my mrs. For her anyway she has a few friends with kids split from their partners and sees them going out quite a lot (plus the benefits they get from being a single mother etc) and start to think the grass is greener on the other side. The thought of being a single dad of two in my mid thirties absolutely terrifies me tbh, mainly from a dating point of view as the whole tinder or whatever app it is seems like a total nightmare. Hope it all works out well for you both and while none of this is particularly useful and could well be a load of shite I wouldn’t be surprised if your ex realises she has made a big mistake in a few years. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bairnardo Posted February 17 Share Posted February 17 27 minutes ago, PB1994 said: Hope it all works out well for you both and while none of this is particularly useful and could well be a load of shite I wouldn’t be surprised if your ex realises she has made a big mistake in a few years. I really fucking hope not. There's a conversation that would break your heart.... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Venti Posted February 17 Share Posted February 17 Sound angry Bairn. I know it's late, but DM me if you want a talk. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bairnardo Posted February 17 Share Posted February 17 4 minutes ago, Venti said: Sound angry Bairn. I know it's late, but DM me if you want a talk. Na i'm not angry. Not really about any of it tbh. Just a bit unsure about how to have a life is all. I like this thread cos I can let it out. Most of my days the most people I speak to are folk who I like and get on well with but are more, if you would care to categorise them, the wifes pals more than mine ie folk at the school gates etc. So for the most part they say "hows things" and I smile and nod and say "aye fine, you?". Its not the easiest thing in the world to find someone who you want to talk to about stuff, but who also to find someone who wants to listen. Plenty folk on here will know that even better than me unfortunately. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PB1994 Posted February 17 Share Posted February 17 14 minutes ago, Bairnardo said: I really fucking hope not. There's a conversation that would break your heart.... Well you will have met someone and be happier than ever so it’s swings and roundabouts really… In all seriousness though it’s all about the kids and making sure they are happy. Though at the same time, and I may well be an arsehole for saying it, that would be with you both staying together. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Venti Posted February 17 Share Posted February 17 3 minutes ago, Bairnardo said: Na i'm not angry. Not really about any of it tbh. Just a bit unsure about how to have a life is all. I like this thread cos I can let it out. Most of my days the most people I speak to are folk who I like and get on well with but are more, if you would care to categorise them, the wifes pals more than mine ie folk at the school gates etc. So for the most part they say "hows things" and I smile and nod and say "aye fine, you?". Its not the easiest thing in the world to find someone who you want to talk to about stuff, but who also to find someone who wants to listen. Plenty folk on here will know that even better than me unfortunately. Like I always say I'm no expert. Seems like the anxiety of the aftermath is the thing that's doing you in. Also the guilt that you may be the one to blame. Try not to load the burden on yourself mate. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dons_1988 Posted February 17 Share Posted February 17 6 hours ago, Bairnardo said: Na i'm not angry. Not really about any of it tbh. Just a bit unsure about how to have a life is all. I like this thread cos I can let it out. Most of my days the most people I speak to are folk who I like and get on well with but are more, if you would care to categorise them, the wifes pals more than mine ie folk at the school gates etc. So for the most part they say "hows things" and I smile and nod and say "aye fine, you?". Its not the easiest thing in the world to find someone who you want to talk to about stuff, but who also to find someone who wants to listen. Plenty folk on here will know that even better than me unfortunately. If you can, take some time to enjoy yourself. Do somethings that are just for you that maybe you’ve not been able to as a husband and a dad the past few years. That’s what I’d do anyway. Your situation is one I find myself fearing a little bit (even before you shared your story). Just that life, work and kids will slowly erode a marriage away until the point you realise it’s gone. My wife and I are very happy just now and talking about a 2nd bairn so sounds silly but I reckon it can creep up on you. I totally get what you’re feeling though, I can’t think for a second what I’d do as a single man at this point. Probably just be tragic and throw myself at my career. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DA Baracus Posted February 17 Share Posted February 17 @Bairnardo, it will be an adjustment in a new living situation and there will be odd moments that might get you down but also odd moments that feel good. You might experience a sense of 'freedom' (not quite the right word but closest I could think of) when you have more time alone. It can be challenging thinking what to do to fill the time and might seem overwhelming in terms of options, and deviating from your old routine can be difficult, but just remember that there are no 'right' answers as such unless you deem them so. What I mean by this is that if any night if you're alone you decide to sit around and do f**k all, go for it, and don't feel bad that you aren't 'out there' doing 'things', but also if you do try different things you could find something you like that you weren't previously able to do. Trying out different things, even if they end up not being what you expected (i.e. pish) could yield results! Ultimately, don't be hard on yourself. Loneliness can be tough and frankly you'll probably experience it, but it's how we cope that is the important thing, and being nice to yourself is a big part of that as it's all too easy to slide down a path of self recrimination, blame and regret. You come across as a sound guy on here. If you ever have thoughts otherwise, approach it as an evidence based exercise. Ask yourself what evidence supports it and what evidence shows otherwise. Imagine if any 'bad' evidence you think about could be challenged and what people would say about it; would they ultimately conclude that it doesn't hold and is in fact not true? It can be quite effective. Anyway, get yourself down to The Falkirk Stadium today if you can and I hope that they can score a goal just for you.* A consolation goal in a shameful home pumping by Hamilton 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TxRover Posted February 17 Share Posted February 17 15 hours ago, Bairnardo said: What does life look like after that. I've so much in the past few weeks to try an dmake sure it all happens so she can get the house she wants that I havent permitted myself to let all that out.... I dont want to be skint or lonely.... I suppose I can work on the second one myself. Time will tell for the first! Don’t over think things is an important first step. 1) Ideally you’ve established a living situation for yourself (and/or kids, as appropriate) that is at the middle to lower end of what you “think” you can afford. I say that because there are a number of early expenses before you settle in, and then you know you can adjust easily when you figure your living costs, etc. Lower end here doesn’t mean slums or poverty, but simply if you think you’ll be bringing in £5,000 a month, don’t rent a place costing say £1,500 a month (the full “recommended” 30% of income). Leave wiggle room…it’s much easier to move up than downsize. 2) I assume the kids configuration is established. Beware the “fun parent” trap. Too many newly divorced parents decide they want to be the “fun parent” and try to pack their time with the kids with events, activities, expenses, etc. in the words of Admiral Ackbar, “it’s a trap!” What you want to do is try to keep things on a nice even keel and do stuff with the kids like (what was) normal. 3) Regarding number 2 above. It isn’t a contest, even if the other parent tries to make it one. The kids see through stuff…and with regard to that… 4) Don’t panic about lonely and skint for now, they will both be things you can address going forward. If you decide to look for, or find, a relationship, it’s best to try to behave in the way you’d expect her to behave around the kids too. Ideally, you keep flames separate from the kids for a little bit…and sleep overs have to consider custody and, if the kids are there, they aren’t a good idea early on. Model what YOU want and expect, you can’t control anyone else, but you can show your kids the right way. 5) Skint can always be fixed by working/working more, if you’re able, so be as prudent as you can and try to let that be a future worry, if possible. 6) I strongly suggest counseling. It’s amazing the things I came to realize during a series of sessions, and it completely changed how I looked at things that happened within my life and the relationship. I had no idea of how I had lied to myself about a number of items, and coming to terms with that greatly improved my outlook and mental wellbeing. 7) What do you do? Why, whatever you want within your responsibilities and capabilities. Should you take up skydiving…if you have provided a safeguard for your kids, sure. Can you decide to take random quick trips, of course, same rules apply. Do things you enjoy, explore things you curtailed for various reasons, perhaps due to kids, when the kids are with the ex. You can sit in the dark and play video games or go rock climbing (see sky diving above) if that’s your thing, when the kids are away, etc. It is a very abrupt change, and after about 6 to 8 months it all started to make sense. Expect it to take a little while, but it will start to feel better…and don’t let the worries take over! Best of luck mate, and as everyone above says, post or DM as necessary, we’re here. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RH33 Posted February 17 Share Posted February 17 23 hours ago, Bairnardo said: Signed my marriage away today. Pretty fucking surreal tbh. Still not even sure why we did it but have certainly reached the point of acceptance. Fingers crossed now only 3 or 4 weeks till we're in seperate houses, but thats the scary bit in my mind.... What does life look like after that. I've so much in the past few weeks to try an dmake sure it all happens so she can get the house she wants that I havent permitted myself to let all that out.... I dont want to be skint or lonely.... I suppose I can work on the second one myself. Time will tell for the first! I'm not going to lie, the first few Thursdays I left the kids at nursery I sat in the hall and cried. Ordered dominos pizza and ice cream and cried some more as I missed them. The youngest was 18 months (she was 11 yesterday). But in time it came to Thursdays and I was pleased of the break! I found Saturdays a struggle, I couldn't justify the cost of football (I was on benefits and paying my ex money-long story always get a lawyer quickly!) and my friends are married so was family time. Once the spring came, I got to know the neighbours in the tenanment block better in garden on nice days. You'll get into a new routine plus you're on the to do list now too 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RH33 Posted February 17 Share Posted February 17 14 hours ago, Dons_1988 said: If you can, take some time to enjoy yourself. Do somethings that are just for you that maybe you’ve not been able to as a husband and a dad the past few years. That’s what I’d do anyway. Your situation is one I find myself fearing a little bit (even before you shared your story). Just that life, work and kids will slowly erode a marriage away until the point you realise it’s gone. My wife and I are very happy just now and talking about a 2nd bairn so sounds silly but I reckon it can creep up on you. I totally get what you’re feeling though, I can’t think for a second what I’d do as a single man at this point. Probably just be tragic and throw myself at my career. To read you're considering another kid is brilliant news and hopefully it's more enjoyable this time. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bairnardo Posted February 17 Share Posted February 17 More kind words much appreciated as ever folks. Genuinely. Because of the stuff that i've been having to do, I haven't made too much time yet to account for all my own feelings or think too much about what i'll do or not do, so this place has pretty much been the extent of my "talking about it", so I really do appreciate it. @RH33 you know where to find me 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dons_1988 Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 8 hours ago, RH33 said: To read you're considering another kid is brilliant news and hopefully it's more enjoyable this time. Thanks, I’ve always said I’ve loved being a dad throughout even the worst times for my mrs. She has slight PTSD from it all so does fear the same happening for a second kid but I’m confident it wouldn’t. She loves motherhood now and has become the mother I knew she was/could be. Did get pretty hairy for a wee while though, mind. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SlipperyP Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 On 15/02/2024 at 20:08, Venti said: That's going on your tombstone. Cheers,. I will make it known to all posters this guy is top drawer. He noticed a few weeks ago that my postings had changed. Maybe you also. However, he wee nice PM. Im still fucking tonto. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Venti Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 12 minutes ago, SlipperyP said: Cheers,. I will make it known to all posters this guy is top drawer. He noticed a few weeks ago that my postings had changed. Maybe you also. However, he wee nice PM. Im still fucking tonto. We need heroes like the Lone Ranger When Tonto came pronto, when there was danger They didn't say they'd be there in half an hour Cause they displayed...Turtle Power! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iminavest Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 I dont know if its the right place to be sharing this, mods feel free to remove if so. If anyone here is the same as me and find relatability in music comforting, I would thoroughly recommend checking out Stick Season (Forever) by Noah Kahan. It has some absolute masterpieces that hit me like a tonne of bricks 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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