Derry Alli Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 11 minutes ago, Bairnardo said: Separation incoming. So not strictly depressed yet but also probably incoming. But given the serious tone and helpfulness of this thread, is there anyone able to have their brain picked regarding separation (very civil, no fall out or fighting), financial shit, kids etc etc Sorry to read this mate, I'm the least helpful person regarding separations but if you fancy a wee natter over PM I'll gladly slag fûck oot yi. Give is until end of January and I'll get through for a night on the tiles with you. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
'WellDel Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 24 minutes ago, Bairnardo said: Separation incoming. So not strictly depressed yet but also probably incoming. But given the serious tone and helpfulness of this thread, is there anyone able to have their brain picked regarding separation (very civil, no fall out or fighting), financial shit, kids etc etc Sorry to hear that mate. Hope everything stays amicable for the good of all concerned and to keep things as easy as possible on the kids. If you're having a bad day, just dip your toe in something like the Clyde thread to remember that there are always others worse off than yourself... or alternatively (and 100% more advised), keep popping in here to get things off your chest, as there are always plenty decent cnuts around to offer an ear and advice when you need it. Good wishes, man. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moomintroll Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 1 hour ago, Bairnardo said: Separation incoming. So not strictly depressed yet but also probably incoming. But given the serious tone and helpfulness of this thread, is there anyone able to have their brain picked regarding separation (very civil, no fall out or fighting), financial shit, kids etc etc Really sorry to hear that, 'WellDel put it better than I could but can only echo the fact that there will always be someone here to try & help when the lows are at their worst. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dons_1988 Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 1 hour ago, Bairnardo said: Separation incoming. So not strictly depressed yet but also probably incoming. But given the serious tone and helpfulness of this thread, is there anyone able to have their brain picked regarding separation (very civil, no fall out or fighting), financial shit, kids etc etc Glad to hear it’s amicable but also terribly sad. Thankfully no experience in the matter so can’t particularly help but thoughts go out to you. My wife and I were struggling not long after my daughter’s birth and I just found it desperately sad that something that had been so great could just be dying out. Thankfully it didn’t but can’t imagine how tough it is for you. All the best, pal. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bairnardo Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 2 minutes ago, Dons_1988 said: Glad to hear it’s amicable but also terribly sad. Thankfully no experience in the matter so can’t particularly help but thoughts go out to you. My wife and I were struggling not long after my daughter’s birth and I just found it desperately sad that something that had been so great could just be dying out. Thankfully it didn’t but can’t imagine how tough it is for you. All the best, pal. Appreciate everyone's kind words, just picked yours because you have pretty much nailed it in your second paragraph. To the point where I personally don't fully understand why it's even happening. But it is. Over the last few months we've had the chat where it was aired as a possibility a few times and it seems like today we both just accepted that we've both tried, but we can't keep on returning to the same talk over and over. I think ours is a familiar tale really. It seems we have slowly but surely become just a couple of pals who raise kids together. She doesn't think it's enough. I don't think there's better life out there but she can't accept not trying. I could. I'd undo that conversation in a heartbeat if I could, but that wouldn't be fair. Right now all I can think of is how to tell my kids, how to make sure they don't lose out on the life iv always said they would have, and much a chew it's all going to be. Lord help me whenever I have to navigate trying to get my hole again aswell.... 19 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bert Raccoon Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 5 minutes ago, Bairnardo said: Appreciate everyone's kind words, just picked yours because you have pretty much nailed it in your second paragraph. To the point where I personally don't fully understand why it's even happening. But it is. Over the last few months we've had the chat where it was aired as a possibility a few times and it seems like today we both just accepted that we've both tried, but we can't keep on returning to the same talk over and over. I think ours is a familiar tale really. It seems we have slowly but surely become just a couple of pals who raise kids together. She doesn't think it's enough. I don't think there's better life out there but she can't accept not trying. I could. I'd undo that conversation in a heartbeat if I could, but that wouldn't be fair. Right now all I can think of is how to tell my kids, how to make sure they don't lose out on the life iv always said they would have, and much a chew it's all going to be. Lord help me whenever I have to navigate trying to get my hole again aswell.... Horrible situation mate and hope you're OK. No specialist in this subject but if you need to vent or whatever don't hesitate to drop me a message. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alta-pete Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 @Bairnardo, 15 years ago I was in the same place. Completely overwhelmed by how was I going to get through it. We managed to keep it civil, my joke from the time is that I ended up leaving with nothing but my dog, golf clubs and a cheque for half the house. I got through it. I’ll spare you the guff for now about how much happier I am now and everything that I’ve been able to do since. At the moment you’ll be feeling like you’re facing a mountain. But you’ll get there. One principal piece of advice I’ll offer is don’t move out until everything is settled. I knew what Mrs a-p MkI was like so - given it was similarly her decision - I used that to get everything concluded as quickly as possible. I have a pal who moved out of the big marital home only for his wife to renege on the apparent agreement to sell the house to downsize and split the equity. Going to a rented 1-bed flat and dealing with everything on top that a separation entails for now 18 months and still counting hasn’t been good for him. Sad to say but trust nothing for now. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RH33 Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 2 hours ago, Bairnardo said: Separation incoming. So not strictly depressed yet but also probably incoming. But given the serious tone and helpfulness of this thread, is there anyone able to have their brain picked regarding separation (very civil, no fall out or fighting), financial shit, kids etc etc Get a seperation agreement in place as soon as. Get all your financial paperwork, savings, pensions together and head to a lawyer. Don't move out until that's sorted. It may seem civil but once houses and money involved it can go sour very quickly. Be honest with the kids, they're about the age mine were when I left. That they are loved beyond any doubt and make sure they know that. Get a stable routine in place for shared care, the best outcomes are kids who maintain regular contact with both parents. People looking in will speculate and don't be surprised if some chose a 'side'. Drop me a pm any time. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dons_1988 Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 50 minutes ago, Bairnardo said: Appreciate everyone's kind words, just picked yours because you have pretty much nailed it in your second paragraph. To the point where I personally don't fully understand why it's even happening. But it is. Over the last few months we've had the chat where it was aired as a possibility a few times and it seems like today we both just accepted that we've both tried, but we can't keep on returning to the same talk over and over. I think ours is a familiar tale really. It seems we have slowly but surely become just a couple of pals who raise kids together. She doesn't think it's enough. I don't think there's better life out there but she can't accept not trying. I could. I'd undo that conversation in a heartbeat if I could, but that wouldn't be fair. Right now all I can think of is how to tell my kids, how to make sure they don't lose out on the life iv always said they would have, and much a chew it's all going to be. Lord help me whenever I have to navigate trying to get my hole again aswell.... I don’t pretend to know either of you but can see how this situation may evolve. Kids, work and general running of the day to day can put the relationship firmly on the back burner. I think parents often martyr themselves for their kids a bit without realising what that can do to the family in the long term. The above posts will have much better tangible advice than me, all I’d say is everything happens for a reason. This is a significant moment in your life, how you react and behave your kids will remember and appreciate if done right. In the end, this time may be what is needed to save the marriage. Maybe it won’t, but don’t live to regret what you do now. Keep talking in here and as anyone else, DM anytime. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Derry Alli Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 1 hour ago, Bairnardo said: Lord help me whenever I have to navigate trying to get my hole again aswell.... *Ahem* 2 hours ago, Derry Alli said: Give is until end of January and I'll get through for a night on the tiles with you. 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottsdad Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 A bit like @Dons_1988 my wife and I went through a low patch a few years ago. We were just in a rut. Both comfortable in our jobs, both not really seeing any great changes coming in the future. We did discuss separation. In that discussion though we were able to say what we each thought and wanted. We decided to try to make it work. That was about mid 2022. We have, I think. We are better now. I know some folk take the piss out of her visiting her pal but after that first trip, when she was away for a week, everything changed for us. Everything was better. When we first got together I was away every third week with work, that's how we started. When she comes back it is magic. I cannot wait for Tuesday. For me, this Christmas was difficult. I had a bad year last year. She was fantastic, but I also needed her to be away at New Year to get the worst of it out of my system. I don't think I could have done that if she was here. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sophia Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 This thread is truly the best of this site and the sharing of separation circumstances is to me a weary but important matter. The only thing I would add is to appreciate just how significant this is. Accepting the change whilst simultaneously taming your monkey mind is a process that is once in a lifetime difficult but also it's eminently achievable. Be kind to yourself. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peil Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 Went through the same thing around 2007, first two kids were just starting school/nursery respectively. Ended up going homeless so she could get me out, and got a flat that wasn't a million miles away, so the kids could come over no bother. It can be rough, and I totally get what you say about getting yer nat king. DO NOT go back round there and fall into bed with her, I ended up with a 3rd kid that way He's turned out to be a lovely boy, but a very weird conversation with everyone at the time "thought she kicked you oot?" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Derry Alli Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 4 minutes ago, Peil said: DO NOT go back round there and fall into bed with her, I ended up with a 3rd kid that way He's turned out to be a lovely boy, but a very weird conversation with everyone at the time "thought she kicked you oot?" Exact same thing is happening with my mate. She kicked him out got a new build penthouse off a housing association, he went round to see if it was going to be safe enough for his kids (it has a balcony) and now she is something like 5 month pregnant. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HoBNob Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 4 hours ago, Bairnardo said: Separation incoming. So not strictly depressed yet but also probably incoming. But given the serious tone and helpfulness of this thread, is there anyone able to have their brain picked regarding separation (very civil, no fall out or fighting), financial shit, kids etc etc Sorry to hear that Bairnardo, I vaguely remember you posting a few months back, really sorry to read it hasn't gotten better. 2 hours ago, Bairnardo said: Lord help me whenever I have to navigate trying to get my hole again aswell.... I'm not sure if it's possible to grow your virginity back but if Mrs HobNob bins me off that'll be what's happening. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TxRover Posted January 8 Share Posted January 8 10 hours ago, Bairnardo said: Appreciate everyone's kind words, just picked yours because you have pretty much nailed it in your second paragraph. To the point where I personally don't fully understand why it's even happening. But it is. Over the last few months we've had the chat where it was aired as a possibility a few times and it seems like today we both just accepted that we've both tried, but we can't keep on returning to the same talk over and over. I think ours is a familiar tale really. It seems we have slowly but surely become just a couple of pals who raise kids together. She doesn't think it's enough. I don't think there's better life out there but she can't accept not trying. I could. I'd undo that conversation in a heartbeat if I could, but that wouldn't be fair. Right now all I can think of is how to tell my kids, how to make sure they don't lose out on the life iv always said they would have, and much a chew it's all going to be. Lord help me whenever I have to navigate trying to get my hole again aswell.... The advice offered is very solid, especially the importance of getting stuff nailed down, legally speaking. Assuming you can both proceed amicably, this doesn’t have to be a traumatic experience for either of you or the kids. You’ll find the kids see and understand much more than we give them credit for, but some important things for both of you: -As has been said repeatedly, written legal agreements protect BOTH parties, and cannot favour one over the other without the disfavoured party agreeing to something, if truly done collaboratively. -Fighting stuff out is expensive, and separation is expensive enough as it is. -Staying where you are is ideal if both parties can make it work. It saves money that you both will need go8g forward, but it is crucial that you both understand the expectations on bills, etc to make it work. -The kids shouldn’t be a sounding board for ideas or an outlet for frustrated complaint about “mommy” or “daddy”. Nothing will make a friendly, collaborative separation ugly and expensive quicker than one party or the other trying to win the kids to their side. -Luckily, at-home copiers, while expensive to use for this, have made it much easier to ensure both parties have a copy of all financial documents for the past three years (or more, if necessary). -Start now looking at your accounts and noting which ones have addresses, phone numbers or both that will eventually have to be updated, keep notes. Likewise, many financial accounts have beneficiaries or successors, note those for future changes. -If you are both like most people you have various passwords scribbled all over, or in lists, or in a manager program. Start making two separate lists of each persons passwords. While you’re doing that, consider accounts that offer benefits and decide, if you separate, who will get what and how much (frequent flyer, loyalty programs, etc). -Looking around the house to decide what is important to you and what is simply not worth wanting or taking is a useful thing to do intermittently. -Assuming reconciliation is foreclosed, start the process of untangling accounts like phones, credit cards, etc. if you were like me, the accounts were some in her name with me as an authorised user or agent and vice versa. Consider opening a new credit card (or two) now if one of you would be without otherwise (in that persons name only, without the other as an authorised user), if possible. -If you have a house with a loan in both your names, this will likely be the biggest hurdle for an amicable separation to clear. Getting it nailed down, legally, is massively important. I thought I had this done, only to find it cost me another $1,500 and almost and entire year to finally have the end in sight. Sadly, in the end, agreements are only good if the parties respect them, and are willing to pay to enforce them. -Both of you need to change your email passwords and keep them from each other. A new email address would be a useful acquisition as well. Civil doesn’t equal blindly trusting. This is all from experience. Mine was less than amicable, and I’m still finding the occasional account with incorrect address, phone number or emails. Recently on an Uber ride paid for by an auto dealership service department, the ex got an invite to “follow my ride” due to an overlooked setting with her phone number listed. This was a mistake that resulted in a full day of text and phone call abuse, learn from the mistakes of others. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thistledo Posted January 8 Share Posted January 8 16 hours ago, Bairnardo said: Appreciate everyone's kind words, just picked yours because you have pretty much nailed it in your second paragraph. To the point where I personally don't fully understand why it's even happening. But it is. Over the last few months we've had the chat where it was aired as a possibility a few times and it seems like today we both just accepted that we've both tried, but we can't keep on returning to the same talk over and over. I think ours is a familiar tale really. It seems we have slowly but surely become just a couple of pals who raise kids together. She doesn't think it's enough. I don't think there's better life out there but she can't accept not trying. I could. I'd undo that conversation in a heartbeat if I could, but that wouldn't be fair. Right now all I can think of is how to tell my kids, how to make sure they don't lose out on the life iv always said they would have, and much a chew it's all going to be. Lord help me whenever I have to navigate trying to get my hole again aswell.... Sorry to hear about this mate, shite all round but you'll probably come out of it better in the long run, I hope/think anyway. Went through separation and divorce about 10 years ago, (no kids in the equation) had been together a long time, but only married about a year and it just felt the old classic of ships passing in the night. When it all ended I was strangely relieved, but then I felt a lot of regret like I'd wasted the best years of my life and subsequently went a bit wild for a while trying to make up for it and during this time got involved in a long distance "whirlwind romance" absolutely head over heels for a younger, mysterious, highland lass and 8 years later we've got two kids and still going strong. Wrote this to give you a bit of positive for the long term, when the dust settles and you've figured out the other stuff. Tough times but it will get better. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RH33 Posted January 8 Share Posted January 8 Also it's much easier to get your hole than it probably was 15 years ago so wouldn't worry. I'll pencil you onto the list, haven't done midget yet..... 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bairnardo Posted January 8 Share Posted January 8 10 minutes ago, RH33 said: Also it's much easier to get your hole than it probably was 15 years ago so wouldn't worry. I'll pencil you onto the list, haven't done midget yet..... Magnificent 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
velo army Posted January 8 Share Posted January 8 It sounds like "staying together for the kids" is off the table but you should at least consider staying together for the "infuriating things your partner does" thread which will now be poorer without you (although by the sounds of it you could be mining a particularly rich seem in the coming months). Genuinely though I'm gutted to hear this. I have no idea about the logistical pish, but remember that your kids will be feeling more insecure because of this (natural response to this) so will be looking to you and the Mrs for reassurance so it's hugely important that you model behaviour that engenders a sense that all will be ok. Communicating calmly with your partner and making sure your words match your actions. Owning your f**k-ups and apologising when you snap at them. Lastly, be kind to yourself. This will be traumatic and triggering for you too, so make damn sure to cut yourself a lot of slack. Also, get support. I don't necessarily mean an online forum (although that can help), but reach out to friends. I'm a big fan of men's groups and the organisation I'm part of has a very good open one in Edinburgh (not that convenient, but worth an occasional trip). I don't know if you need this either, but try and be aware when you identify too much with the failure of the relationship. The relationship ultimately ended and perhaps it was due to action and inaction on both your parts. Either way, just because it failed doesn't make you a failure or a f**k up. As I said. Treat yourself gently. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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