Depression

[RH33]

Please.dont take up golf, after two years working on a clubhouse bar, no one ever comes in saying they enjoyed their round!!

[The Moonster]

2 hours ago, RH33 said:

Please.dont take up golf, after two years working on a clubhouse bar, no one ever comes in saying they enjoyed their round!!

I avoid the clubhouse (and generally any interaction with anyone) when I go to the golf. 

[velo army]

Thanks for posting @Dons_1988 and it's common to feel like you're being self indulgent by sharing your stuff. It's the protective voice inside that learned early on that focussing on your own needs wasn't all that welcome. I think you've seen that doing so here is in fact most welcome.

I don't know what you're looking for, whether advice, solutions or just hearing that it's ok to have the experience you say you're having.

I say this a lot, but I think it's important. Be gentle with yourself. That fear of relaxation (which it sounds like) is a programming that you developed early on and has been keeping you safe (but you've recognised that it may be stopping you from living now). You're not going to change that overnight.

Being busy is a great way to stay ahead of the messy shit that we don't want to experience. It's the most common addiction and is one that is "sanctified by society at large" (cheers DH Lawrence).  Your limbic system has learned that relaxation was perhaps unsafe for you, so turns on its internal alarm system whenever there's a risk of unwelcome feelings bubbling up.

What I found beautiful and encouraging about your post is you have experienced that calmness and peace, so you do know what it feels like and what sort of activities precipitate it. Habits are built and programs are reprogrammed in tiny steps. Progress, not perfection my friend. 

You're doing much better than you think. Don't stop sharing on here. And on the subject of "grey outlook" I'm in Aberdeen if you ever want an in person blether.

 

 

[Molotov]

4 hours ago, RH33 said:

Please.dont take up golf, after two years working on a clubhouse bar, no one ever comes in saying they enjoyed their round!!

Well perhaps it was the bar person to blame?  

[Dons_1988]

Thanks everyone for the responses. I reflected on my post and felt it was a bit rambly and incoherent so glad people actually engaged with it 

I like the idea of finding a new hobby of sorts that is just for me. Golf is probably out, my running plus watching the dons when able takes up a lot of time as it is with a 2 year old. Plus I played golf as a younger man and my temperament for it wasn’t great…suspect I’d be too competitive and wouldn’t be all that relaxing. 

Meditation/mindfulness is one of those things that sounds great but I have no idea how it happens in reality. I have tried apps but they don’t do it for me. I just can’t settle the way I’m looking for. Like I say that few minutes I had last year I just stumbled across it, it came and went but it felt a bit like what I imagine actual meditation does? That may sound silly.

One thing I am trying to do is put my fucking phone away much more. I don’t think it helps. And I don’t even really enjoy any of it other than browsing P&B. 

I don’t want to give up ‘keeping busy’ as it’s done me so much good. Just finding that balance and not having to fear what the quiet moments bring. 

[scottsdad]

13 minutes ago, Dons_1988 said:

Thanks everyone for the responses. I reflected on my post and felt it was a bit rambly and incoherent so glad people actually engaged with it 

I like the idea of finding a new hobby of sorts that is just for me. Golf is probably out, my running plus watching the dons when able takes up a lot of time as it is with a 2 year old. Plus I played golf as a younger man and my temperament for it wasn’t great…suspect I’d be too competitive and wouldn’t be all that relaxing. 

Meditation/mindfulness is one of those things that sounds great but I have no idea how it happens in reality. I have tried apps but they don’t do it for me. I just can’t settle the way I’m looking for. Like I say that few minutes I had last year I just stumbled across it, it came and went but it felt a bit like what I imagine actual meditation does? That may sound silly.

One thing I am trying to do is put my fucking phone away much more. I don’t think it helps. And I don’t even really enjoy any of it other than browsing P&B. 

I don’t want to give up ‘keeping busy’ as it’s done me so much good. Just finding that balance and not having to fear what the quiet moments bring. 

Trying not to stay busy is the challenge for me, but I have a plan.

Big deadline on Friday, another next Tuesday...then 12 days off. And the laptop etc is staying off. The big projects I have been on all end next week.

Not taking up golf, though. Gardening, maybe.

Anyway, hope you're good going forward.

[velo army]

2 hours ago, Dons_1988 said:

Thanks everyone for the responses. I reflected on my post and felt it was a bit rambly and incoherent so glad people actually engaged with it 

I like the idea of finding a new hobby of sorts that is just for me. Golf is probably out, my running plus watching the dons when able takes up a lot of time as it is with a 2 year old. Plus I played golf as a younger man and my temperament for it wasn’t great…suspect I’d be too competitive and wouldn’t be all that relaxing. 

Meditation/mindfulness is one of those things that sounds great but I have no idea how it happens in reality. I have tried apps but they don’t do it for me. I just can’t settle the way I’m looking for. Like I say that few minutes I had last year I just stumbled across it, it came and went but it felt a bit like what I imagine actual meditation does? That may sound silly.

One thing I am trying to do is put my fucking phone away much more. I don’t think it helps. And I don’t even really enjoy any of it other than browsing P&B. 

I don’t want to give up ‘keeping busy’ as it’s done me so much good. Just finding that balance and not having to fear what the quiet moments bring. 

A misconception about meditation is that it's relaxation and calmness. It's about being present with what is with a sense of acceptance and compassion. It's a practice and much of the time the mind wanders, even with experienced meditators. If you fancy it there are plenty of guided ones out there. If you want something more dynamic there's something called breathwork which you might want to explore. That is about calming the nervous system down. 

The phone is a good ane as it tends to fuel our short attention spans by creating a dopamine spike (and addiction).

Golf is a magnificent sport and I love it, but I don't find it particularly relaxing .

[RH33]

Signed off for four weeks. I've hit that point I always do after 18/24 months. I've no official mitigations in place but I have a great boss.

Its a temp ongoing contract but change in dynamics has changed team.

MH sucks.

[Peil]

Managed to lock myself out my Uni account.
I work in IT
I know I need to phone them.

So why the fk have I been sat for 4 days now terrified to pick up the phone and talk to them?


Weird what yer heid worries about

[Raidernation]

Struggling a bit at the moment. Re P&B Hospital post, I'm doing what I can for OT/PT but it's nowhere near where I need to be just to go home, let alone back to work. Also worried about work, I've had several lengthy absences and I have the fear the school will just terminate my contract/not offer one for the coming school year because of this.

Maybe I'm being negative here, but trust me I'm being positive when I do my therapy or talk to staff/residents here.

Ugh, sounds whiny!

[Peil]

1 hour ago, Raidernation said:

Struggling a bit at the moment. Re P&B Hospital post, I'm doing what I can for OT/PT but it's nowhere near where I need to be just to go home, let alone back to work. Also worried about work, I've had several lengthy absences and I have the fear the school will just terminate my contract/not offer one for the coming school year because of this.

Maybe I'm being negative here, but trust me I'm being positive when I do my therapy or talk to staff/residents here.

Ugh, sounds whiny!

Let it out mate, holding it in just means it goes round and round.

[TxRover]

6 hours ago, Raidernation said:

Struggling a bit at the moment. Re P&B Hospital post, I'm doing what I can for OT/PT but it's nowhere near where I need to be just to go home, let alone back to work. Also worried about work, I've had several lengthy absences and I have the fear the school will just terminate my contract/not offer one for the coming school year because of this.

Maybe I'm being negative here, but trust me I'm being positive when I do my therapy or talk to staff/residents here.

Ugh, sounds whiny!

Given the description you've given of the school, students and your role, I'd expect you're pretty safe. But, even so, there's always a demand for teachers, especially those willing to take the not so ivory-white assignments. Like you say, focus on the OT/PT and get stronger/better, the school worries are for later.

Whine away, it's why we're all here!

[TxRover]

7 hours ago, Peil said:

Managed to lock myself out my Uni account.
I work in IT
I know I need to phone them.

So why the fk have I been sat for 4 days now terrified to pick up the phone and talk to them?


Weird what yer heid worries about

That's impressively mental, so to speak. Moreso the fact they've got a system that requires you to actually contact someone than the other bit. Given them a ring, it's why they're there.

[Thistle_do_nicely]

Not sure how to put this - anyone got any wee positive thoughts or ways to look at the future?

Getting up, doing my shift, and doing f**k all but go through the motions day after day, week after week is really, properly taking its toll on me.

[Arbroathlegend36-0]

Had been suffering from depression for too long without my loved ones, friends or the people who I work with knowing. Was my little secret and everything was a show when around people including my wife. In October I listened to a voice in my head (been in my head for a while) and I was going to hang myself from the upstairs banister. Had everything ready my wife was out with my youngest child and my oldest was at nursery so I knew I had time to do what was needed. What saved me that day was my wife forgot to take bottles for my 5 month child with her. Seen the doctor next day who put me on sertraline. Got told I may get worse before I get better with the tablets as it takes roughly 6 weeks for the meds to take effect. Suicide attempt number 2 took place not long after where I took a lot of pills somehow my Mrs was suspicious on what I was doing so came to check on what I was doing and she stuck her fingers down me throat which got what I took out.

 

Seen a new doctor who I took a liking to and felt I could trust her and could come out of this dark hole with her help. For me I didn’t know why I felt so low, depressed, tired and basically so useless. I’ve got a wife, 2 kids, a house, full time job and no money troubles so for me I had no reason to feel how I was feeling. The doctor said you don’t have to have a reason which is true but for me I needed a reason.  I asked for my bloods to be took for an under active thyroid as it was borderline a few years back and this came back as underactive. Levels should be 0.5 to 2.0 mine was over 100. One side effect of an underactive thyroid is depression.

 

Everything started to get normal after getting on the right meds and after 4 months off work I returned to work in January. As people do work mates  was curious on why I had so much time off work and if everything was fine. I was open and honest to my work colleagues and told everything what had happened.

 

Unfortunately after 4 days after returning the voice in my head came back and wouldn’t leave me alone and I took a drug overdose while my wife and kids slept. The Mrs found me and was rushed to hospital by  ambulance where I had my stomach pumped. The voice in my head failed again and told me better luck next time when trying again. 

 

Straight away I had the mental health team come and see me in hospital and for a month after my release from hospital. They helped me with routines and things I can do if I ever got back to the dark place which has really helped me.

 

Mrs never fully understood how I could do this especially with having such young children. My children was my motivation to get past this darkness. Walking my daughter down the aisle or seeing my son getting married had always been on my mind and motivation on why I needed to keep going in life. When the voices came into my head them things didn’t matter to me and i was totally numb to it all and I was fine about killing myself and the kids not having a father in both of their life’s. The motivation for me now is still my kids but I’m  not thinking about the future and them possibly getting married. They need me in their life’s right now whether that’s playing Barbie’s with my daughter and watching frozen for the millionth time or changing my 9 month old son’s backside while he’s smiling at me. They both need a daddy figure now and forever and I’m no use to them dead.

 

Been back at work for 3 weeks where I’ve told people the story of what’s happened. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed of what I’ve done as I was down a very deep hole and I couldn’t see a way out and the voices in my head told me it was ok to do what I was doing. Luckily I’ve not had any voices since January and I’m on the road to recovery. Take every day as it comes while keeping a positive mindset. Still got a long road ahead of me but I’m feeling good about myself. Also getting tested for autism/ADHD. Unfortunately I’ve got to be 3 months stable before I get a diagnosis but spoke to a specialist who is leaning towards Autism but won’t know until May time when I get my full assessment done. 

 

Depression is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. The hardest part is opening up and admitting it to people about it. Once you’ve done that then get the help and support you need to get you through it. 

 

Sorry for rambling on although if one person reads this and feels the same as I have done and makes them want to get the help then thats all that matters. 

[FK1Bairn]

36 minutes ago, Arbroathlegend36-0 said:

Had been suffering from depression for too long without my loved ones, friends or the people who I work with knowing. Was my little secret and everything was a show when around people including my wife. In October I listened to a voice in my head (been in my head for a while) and I was going to hang myself from the upstairs banister. Had everything ready my wife was out with my youngest child and my oldest was at nursery so I knew I had time to do what was needed. What saved me that day was my wife forgot to take bottles for my 5 month child with her. Seen the doctor next day who put me on sertraline. Got told I may get worse before I get better with the tablets as it takes roughly 6 weeks for the meds to take effect. Suicide attempt number 2 took place not long after where I took a lot of pills somehow my Mrs was suspicious on what I was doing so came to check on what I was doing and she stuck her fingers down me throat which got what I took out.

 

Seen a new doctor who I took a liking to and felt I could trust her and could come out of this dark hole with her help. For me I didn’t know why I felt so low, depressed, tired and basically so useless. I’ve got a wife, 2 kids, a house, full time job and no money troubles so for me I had no reason to feel how I was feeling. The doctor said you don’t have to have a reason which is true but for me I needed a reason.  I asked for my bloods to be took for an under active thyroid as it was borderline a few years back and this came back as underactive. Levels should be 0.5 to 2.0 mine was over 100. One side effect of an underactive thyroid is depression.

 

Everything started to get normal after getting on the right meds and after 4 months off work I returned to work in January. As people do work mates  was curious on why I had so much time off work and if everything was fine. I was open and honest to my work colleagues and told everything what had happened.

 

Unfortunately after 4 days after returning the voice in my head came back and wouldn’t leave me alone and I took a drug overdose while my wife and kids slept. The Mrs found me and was rushed to hospital by  ambulance where I had my stomach pumped. The voice in my head failed again and told me better luck next time when trying again. 

 

Straight away I had the mental health team come and see me in hospital and for a month after my release from hospital. They helped me with routines and things I can do if I ever got back to the dark place which has really helped me.

 

Mrs never fully understood how I could do this especially with having such young children. My children was my motivation to get past this darkness. Walking my daughter down the aisle or seeing my son getting married had always been on my mind and motivation on why I needed to keep going in life. When the voices came into my head them things didn’t matter to me and i was totally numb to it all and I was fine about killing myself and the kids not having a father in both of their life’s. The motivation for me now is still my kids but I’m  not thinking about the future and them possibly getting married. They need me in their life’s right now whether that’s playing Barbie’s with my daughter and watching frozen for the millionth time or changing my 9 month old son’s backside while he’s smiling at me. They both need a daddy figure now and forever and I’m no use to them dead.

 

Been back at work for 3 weeks where I’ve told people the story of what’s happened. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed of what I’ve done as I was down a very deep hole and I couldn’t see a way out and the voices in my head told me it was ok to do what I was doing. Luckily I’ve not had any voices since January and I’m on the road to recovery. Take every day as it comes while keeping a positive mindset. Still got a long road ahead of me but I’m feeling good about myself. Also getting tested for autism/ADHD. Unfortunately I’ve got to be 3 months stable before I get a diagnosis but spoke to a specialist who is leaning towards Autism but won’t know until May time when I get my full assessment done. 

 

Depression is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. The hardest part is opening up and admitting it to people about it. Once you’ve done that then get the help and support you need to get you through it. 

 

Sorry for rambling on although if one person reads this and feels the same as I have done and makes them want to get the help then thats all that matters. 

A lot of what you've said is so true. The stigma of mental health illness is still around and needs tackled head on. Talking about it or even getting it down on here hopefully helps. 

Thank god your missus found you each time and together you got the help you needed. You're still here to be a husband and father and ultimately that's all that counts. If your suicide attempts had been successful then your employer would have replaced you in weeks, in the grand scheme of things money really isn't important. 

Keep on talking, sharing and taking one day at a time. Good luck mate

[TxRover]

3 hours ago, Thistle_do_nicely said:

Not sure how to put this - anyone got any wee positive thoughts or ways to look at the future?

Getting up, doing my shift, and doing f**k all but go through the motions day after day, week after week is really, properly taking its toll on me.

Set some small goals. Plan some minor things to do. Work on a list of places to see and set up a way to watch for opportunities to visit. It doesn’t have to be big, fancy, extravagant or wild, but things that you are interested in or curious about.

52 minutes ago, Arbroathlegend36-0 said:

Had been suffering from depression for too long without my loved ones, friends or the people who I work with knowing. Was my little secret and everything was a show when around people including my wife. In October I listened to a voice in my head (been in my head for a while) and I was going to hang myself from the upstairs banister. Had everything ready my wife was out with my youngest child and my oldest was at nursery so I knew I had time to do what was needed. What saved me that day was my wife forgot to take bottles for my 5 month child with her. Seen the doctor next day who put me on sertraline. Got told I may get worse before I get better with the tablets as it takes roughly 6 weeks for the meds to take effect. Suicide attempt number 2 took place not long after where I took a lot of pills somehow my Mrs was suspicious on what I was doing so came to check on what I was doing and she stuck her fingers down me throat which got what I took out.

 

Seen a new doctor who I took a liking to and felt I could trust her and could come out of this dark hole with her help. For me I didn’t know why I felt so low, depressed, tired and basically so useless. I’ve got a wife, 2 kids, a house, full time job and no money troubles so for me I had no reason to feel how I was feeling. The doctor said you don’t have to have a reason which is true but for me I needed a reason.  I asked for my bloods to be took for an under active thyroid as it was borderline a few years back and this came back as underactive. Levels should be 0.5 to 2.0 mine was over 100. One side effect of an underactive thyroid is depression.

 

Everything started to get normal after getting on the right meds and after 4 months off work I returned to work in January. As people do work mates  was curious on why I had so much time off work and if everything was fine. I was open and honest to my work colleagues and told everything what had happened.

 

Unfortunately after 4 days after returning the voice in my head came back and wouldn’t leave me alone and I took a drug overdose while my wife and kids slept. The Mrs found me and was rushed to hospital by  ambulance where I had my stomach pumped. The voice in my head failed again and told me better luck next time when trying again. 

 

Straight away I had the mental health team come and see me in hospital and for a month after my release from hospital. They helped me with routines and things I can do if I ever got back to the dark place which has really helped me.

 

Mrs never fully understood how I could do this especially with having such young children. My children was my motivation to get past this darkness. Walking my daughter down the aisle or seeing my son getting married had always been on my mind and motivation on why I needed to keep going in life. When the voices came into my head them things didn’t matter to me and i was totally numb to it all and I was fine about killing myself and the kids not having a father in both of their life’s. The motivation for me now is still my kids but I’m  not thinking about the future and them possibly getting married. They need me in their life’s right now whether that’s playing Barbie’s with my daughter and watching frozen for the millionth time or changing my 9 month old son’s backside while he’s smiling at me. They both need a daddy figure now and forever and I’m no use to them dead.

 

Been back at work for 3 weeks where I’ve told people the story of what’s happened. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed of what I’ve done as I was down a very deep hole and I couldn’t see a way out and the voices in my head told me it was ok to do what I was doing. Luckily I’ve not had any voices since January and I’m on the road to recovery. Take every day as it comes while keeping a positive mindset. Still got a long road ahead of me but I’m feeling good about myself. Also getting tested for autism/ADHD. Unfortunately I’ve got to be 3 months stable before I get a diagnosis but spoke to a specialist who is leaning towards Autism but won’t know until May time when I get my full assessment done. 

 

Depression is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. The hardest part is opening up and admitting it to people about it. Once you’ve done that then get the help and support you need to get you through it. 

 

Sorry for rambling on although if one person reads this and feels the same as I have done and makes them want to get the help then thats all that matters. 

Thanks for sharing that. It makes my occasional doubts and concerns seem paltry and makes me feel lucky that I’ve not had that harrowing experience. It’s so difficult to convey sometimes exactly what depression is or can be, and that description breaks through that wall, grabs you by the scruff and demands you look.

I’m extremely glad you had that team to support you and the loving spouse who saved you. Stay strong and know there are people willing to listen if you need it. A person like you, willing to open up and discuss these matters, can save dozens, if not hundreds, of people.

[V.Aye.R]

On 18/03/2024 at 19:10, Dons_1988 said:

Thanks everyone for the responses. I reflected on my post and felt it was a bit rambly and incoherent so glad people actually engaged with it 

I like the idea of finding a new hobby of sorts that is just for me. Golf is probably out, my running plus watching the dons when able takes up a lot of time as it is with a 2 year old. Plus I played golf as a younger man and my temperament for it wasn’t great…suspect I’d be too competitive and wouldn’t be all that relaxing. 

Meditation/mindfulness is one of those things that sounds great but I have no idea how it happens in reality. I have tried apps but they don’t do it for me. I just can’t settle the way I’m looking for. Like I say that few minutes I had last year I just stumbled across it, it came and went but it felt a bit like what I imagine actual meditation does? That may sound silly.

One thing I am trying to do is put my fucking phone away much more. I don’t think it helps. And I don’t even really enjoy any of it other than browsing P&B. 

I don’t want to give up ‘keeping busy’ as it’s done me so much good. Just finding that balance and not having to fear what the quiet moments bring. 

Some very honest posts from you, thanks for sharing. 

The phone thing I think is very important. I'm now off all social media bar Instagram which is pretty much just nice photos. 

Hobby wise I'm light too. I collect various things and also cycle quite a bit. Unfortunately a lot of the cycling is work commute so not always the big positive it should be. 

On the meditation thing, I struggle to sleep without listening to some spoken word type stuff. Used to be old Ricky Gervais XFM pods but now it's just any kind of comedy podcasts where there's some good chat etc. That's my meditation. 

Keeping busy chimes with me also, I'll randomly go to the supermarket and do a big shop just to tick a mental box or completely clean and wax the car at a moments notice. 

A lot of what you're saying seems to hit home for me so thanks for sharing, you're not rambling. 

[V.Aye.R]

Colleague at work is going though a rough time with their mums health and just general rotten luck in their personal life. An otherwise honest worker and they're good to be around. 

I've heard reliable snippets about HR not being happy with their attendance and how that's going to play out for them. 

From someone who's gone through some family issues in the recent past (I've posted on it here, maybe 18months ago) it's pretty galling to hear the lack of compassion out in the open. Is this how grim people really are?

HR - I get it, they're just against you despite the facade. But others amplifying the noise doesn't sit well with me. 

Workplaces seem to be full of pretty weak characters, you're lucky if you're getting 1 in 10 who have any awareness beyond themselves. No amount of mental health first aider type chat is going to change that. 

Be that 1 in 10. 

[RH33]

This is petty as hell but, I went back after almost 5 weeks off. Been in team since the beginning. I started back on Wednesday on much reduced hours.

Someone now off and recovering from sepsis. 

Guess which one gets the get the whip round.....