Depression

[RH33]

Also, try really hard not to bad mouth your soon be ex to the kids. You have adult friends to do that to, even on an amicable separation you've still a good decade of shared care ahead.

Don't let them become pawns, they didn't chose this but two happier seperate parents are better than a couple who aren't happy for children.

[Bairnardo]

26 minutes ago, RH33 said:

Also, try really hard not to bad mouth your soon be ex to the kids. You have adult friends to do that to, even on an amicable separation you've still a good decade of shared care ahead.

Don't let them become pawns, they didn't chose this but two happier seperate parents are better than a couple who aren't happy for children.

Cant always tell the future obviously, but I can honestly hand on heart say this won't happen. I trust both of us 100% to keep it friendly. If anything thats whats making this tough for me. Theres been no fall out, no acrimony at all. It would probably feel easier in some ways if we hated eachother 

[jimbaxters]

3 hours ago, Bairnardo said:

Cant always tell the future obviously, but I can honestly hand on heart say this won't happen. I trust both of us 100% to keep it friendly. If anything thats whats making this tough for me. Theres been no fall out, no acrimony at all. It would probably feel easier in some ways if we hated eachother 

I try not to post on this part of the forum, mostly because I have thus far been largely blessed in life and therefore can’t really empathise with the issues and emotions people express in this thread. However, I wanted to let you know that your news yesterday really affected me. Weird as it sounds, I found myself brushing my teeth last night thinking, “Wow, Bairnardo has gone though some crap today, poor guy”. Given that I usually flit in and out of this site, having the odd laugh and trying my best to contribute, albeit clumsily and hardly give any of the content a second thought once I log off, this has caused me to wonder why your posts have bothered me so much.

It’s because your contributions are always so solid, salient and well written that you seem to have a positive approach to life and seem so grounded. I am convinced that all of these things still apply so I have no doubt that you will handle this stressful life change with good grace. Your previous comments about the amicable nature of your conversations with your wife back this up and give hope for your future.

I’m not sure why I decided to write this but I guess I just wanted you to know that your musings on here have a positive impact on others and that those others are here for you, in whatever small way I/we can be.  All the best mate.

Edited January 8 by jimbaxters

[Peil]

18 hours ago, RH33 said:

Also, try really hard not to bad mouth your soon be ex to the kids

This x 100

If someone's acting the C, they'll work it out.  They aren't daft, but mind they'll make their own mind up and have their whole life ahead of them.

[Widge]

17 hours ago, Bairnardo said:

Cant always tell the future obviously, but I can honestly hand on heart say this won't happen. I trust both of us 100% to keep it friendly. If anything thats whats making this tough for me. Theres been no fall out, no acrimony at all. It would probably feel easier in some ways if we hated eachother 

Whilst I cannot talk about marriage and kids having gone through neither, the last sentence I can totally understand. I've spoken on here about how my long term relationship came to an end last year and you're totally correct when you say it would be easier if you both didn't want to talk or it wasn't civil. Having someone or something to blame would 100% make things easier and having been there (still am tbh) trying to explain what's happened will be hard, not necessarily for you to explain but for others to understand. I think others before me are far more qualified to talk about divorce and kids and there are truly some amazing people on this site who are always happy to help, which is really a brilliant thing for anyone going through stuff. 

I hope you're doing alright first and foremost, but also the same for your family, can't be easy. Hopefully you've got friends and family around you to help out and talk to, it's something that I didn't do enough of and ended up throwing myself more into work (which isn't the answer). But definitely do things to take your mind off the situation as best you can, whilst also progressing the matters you need to. It takes a lot of guts to post what you have on an open forum, but I'm sure anyone in this thread, myself included would be more than happy to chat more about it, or listen to concerns or frustrations. 

But overall, hope you're doing alright and should that change for a minute, don't do it alone.

[Alert Mongoose]

Certainly a thought provoking subject on the marriage thing. 

First things first, sorry to hear about your situation @BairnardoB

It must be really tough but hopefully works out better for all in the longer term.

I can't remember if I posted on this before but this is just my own musings and not directed at anyone's particular situation. 

It feels to me that something (social media? Films?) is making a lot of people take an 'unrealistic' view of couples and relationships.  It almost feels like some people think that a relationship with a long term partner should always be like the first couple of months where it's 'new and exciting' and you are going to feel like that forever.  When that (almost always, especially with kids) doesn't materialise, they want out and the cycle starts all over again. 

I met my wife in 1999 (just realised that was 24 years ago ffs) and we have been married for 15 years.  Like all couples there have been tough times - we unsuccessfully went through 6 cycles of IVF which put a strain on us.  We adopted a little boy in 2016 and are in a similar scenario where my parents live quite a long distance away and the wife only has her mum who is just too infirm to help us with any childcare.  I'll not lie, that's tough especially as he has additional needs and if any of us wants to go out or spend time with friends, it's at the expense of the other.  This inevitably leads to the feeling of 'ships in the night' at times but the family days out make up for that.  Are my feelings for the wife the same as they were in 1999? Not really, no and probably the same on her side*.  Do I love my wife the same as I did? Yes, probably more so, even if it feels more 'functional' in a way. 

I'm not trying to compare our situation to anyone else's, everyone has different issues, but it just feels at times that friends I've watched break up (more than once in some cases) just didn't seem to accept that family relationships are tough and require a bit more effort and understanding on both parts.

* She's probably got a bit on side to sort that out..

[Derry Alli]

13 minutes ago, Alert Mongoose said:

I met my wife in 1999 (just realised that was 24 years ago ffs)

I hate to break the news mate..

[Alert Mongoose]

Just now, Derry Alli said:

I hate to break the news mate..

It was late December 1999 tbf...

[Bairnardo]

39 minutes ago, Alert Mongoose said:

Certainly a thought provoking subject on the marriage thing. 

First things first, sorry to hear about your situation @BairnardoB

It must be really tough but hopefully works out better for all in the longer term.

I can't remember if I posted on this before but this is just my own musings and not directed at anyone's particular situation. 

It feels to me that something (social media? Films?) is making a lot of people take an 'unrealistic' view of couples and relationships.  It almost feels like some people think that a relationship with a long term partner should always be like the first couple of months where it's 'new and exciting' and you are going to feel like that forever.  When that (almost always, especially with kids) doesn't materialise, they want out and the cycle starts all over again. 

I met my wife in 1999 (just realised that was 24 years ago ffs) and we have been married for 15 years.  Like all couples there have been tough times - we unsuccessfully went through 6 cycles of IVF which put a strain on us.  We adopted a little boy in 2016 and are in a similar scenario where my parents live quite a long distance away and the wife only has her mum who is just too infirm to help us with any childcare.  I'll not lie, that's tough especially as he has additional needs and if any of us wants to go out or spend time with friends, it's at the expense of the other.  This inevitably leads to the feeling of 'ships in the night' at times but the family days out make up for that.  Are my feelings for the wife the same as they were in 1999? Not really, no and probably the same on her side*.  Do I love my wife the same as I did? Yes, probably more so, even if it feels more 'functional' in a way. 

I'm not trying to compare our situation to anyone else's, everyone has different issues, but it just feels at times that friends I've watched break up (more than once in some cases) just didn't seem to accept that family relationships are tough and require a bit more effort and understanding on both parts.

* She's probably got a bit on side to sort that out..

Almost word for word how I'd describe what's happened to us. The only difference being, she has decided that it's not OK to just accept that, and I have decided that I have no right to try and force the issue/keep someone who doesn't want to be kept. 

Totally agree with you that the issues we have as she's described feeling them, are just "life" for middle aged parents of young kids.  

[pawpar]

On 01/07/2023 at 02:50, pawpar said:

Had an horrific last 18 months. In January 2022 my mother went into hospital after suffering a stroke she was then diagnosed as having dementia. My father then tried to kill me 3 times. Firstly by trying to punch me but because I punched him back that did not work. He then tried to make sure I could not escape from my bedroom by locking me in my bedroom when I was asleep and then removing the slates from the house so that if I tried to get out off the house via the window I would end up dead by crashing through the porch. Eventually he was admitted to stratheden in May 2022. My mother then came out of hospital on 1st July 2022. She would have came out earlier but because of the physical abuse my father dealt out with to both me and my mother she could not come home until my so called father was admitted to a psychiatric ward. My father was then due to come out in November but this was delayed until on 6th December 2022 I was informed on that date that my father passed away. My mother was crestfallen she had been married to him for 63 years. Since the 1st of July last year I have been looking after my mum as a full time carer. I am trying to do this as well as trying to hold down a full time job as well. Christ this is hard as a result of this my health is getting worse. I have now developed diabetes because I am looking after my mum and as a result can not get out of the house because I do not get any support from my 2 brothers who couldn't care less about my mum and just go on about her inhertance. I couldn't care less about any money. I would rather my mum lives until 100 than care less about any stupid inheritance. I was due to go to Norway 2 weeks ago after booking this trip when the fixtures got announced last year. I lost about £300 because my brothers are so bloody selfish. I would rather be with my mum though. Watched both games against Norway and Georgia with my mum and could never have been happier when I saw the look of joy on my mother's face when we won both those games. My mother because of her prognosis will only get worse. I love my mum and every night I cry myself to sleep because she does not deserve this. Everybody says I am doing a great job but I am not my mum just says every day that she would rather be dead. I say to her that she has 4 grandchildren who love her so much. I am crying while I am typing this because I worry about my mother. I am currently seeing a therapist and he is a great help. My health is getting worse because no one in my family is helping me and as well as developing diabetes I can not move my right arm because of lifting my mum that much. Fife council have been bloody brilliant but I feel that if I do not get help within the next 9 months then I will end up in hospital. This will mean that my mum will go in to care which I will fight tooth and nail to make sure this will not happen. Sorry for the rant but just thought I would like to vent. Love my mum.   

Things haven't changed much. On 9th November 2023 I took a career break until the same date in 2024 because my mum is having hallucinations and sees cats everywhere. I would have been eligible to claim Carers allowance and Universal Credit but my employer f***ed up and still paid my money in to my account in November and December and as a result I have been declined both these benefits. I have asked them to look at that decision again and will probably have to return to work sooner rather than later. I feel the world is against me. I am haemorrhaging money left right and centre.  I love my mum but she is hard work. She shouts and screams at me most of the time because of her dementia. I have brothers who say they love my mum but have done the square root of feck all. I know though that if I left the house or went back to work I would be the villiain. I really feel like ending it all. My mum has 4 carers that come into the house each day and do a bloody brilliant job. But I am pissed off because I can't have a normal life. I have given up my job, my lifestyle (I went to Scotland games both home and abroad but won't be going to Germany this summer because I will be looking after my mum (I would though prefer to look after my mum then go to Germany)) and my life to look after my mum who I love very much. But it is coming to the point where I have to make a hard decision. I have to go back to work despite the fact that both my mum and one of my brothers have more money in their account. I have explained the situation but my brothers just don't care. I feel like doing a Reggie Perrin/ John Stonehouse and just buggering of and not coming back again but I can't because unlike my cunty brothers I love my mum and would never do anything to hurt her. Don't know what to do.  

[Monkey Tennis]

On 07/01/2024 at 17:49, Bairnardo said:

I think ours is a familiar tale really. It seems we have slowly but surely become just a couple of pals who raise kids together. 

Genuinely sad to read your news Bairnardo.

I can't help feeling, as Alert Mongoose does, and I think you do too, that the above pretty much is the deal and that the quest for anything wildly better might be fruitless.

I've nothing sensible to offer in terms of advice, but plenty others do.  Listen to them.

Take care.

 

[velo army]

8 hours ago, pawpar said:

Things haven't changed much. On 9th November 2023 I took a career break until the same date in 2024 because my mum is having hallucinations and sees cats everywhere. I would have been eligible to claim Carers allowance and Universal Credit but my employer f***ed up and still paid my money in to my account in November and December and as a result I have been declined both these benefits. I have asked them to look at that decision again and will probably have to return to work sooner rather than later. I feel the world is against me. I am haemorrhaging money left right and centre.  I love my mum but she is hard work. She shouts and screams at me most of the time because of her dementia. I have brothers who say they love my mum but have done the square root of feck all. I know though that if I left the house or went back to work I would be the villiain. I really feel like ending it all. My mum has 4 carers that come into the house each day and do a bloody brilliant job. But I am pissed off because I can't have a normal life. I have given up my job, my lifestyle (I went to Scotland games both home and abroad but won't be going to Germany this summer because I will be looking after my mum (I would though prefer to look after my mum then go to Germany)) and my life to look after my mum who I love very much. But it is coming to the point where I have to make a hard decision. I have to go back to work despite the fact that both my mum and one of my brothers have more money in their account. I have explained the situation but my brothers just don't care. I feel like doing a Reggie Perrin/ John Stonehouse and just buggering of and not coming back again but I can't because unlike my cunty brothers I love my mum and would never do anything to hurt her. Don't know what to do.  

Mate this sounds awful. It does sound like you're doing a great job but that it's coming at a huge cost to you. It's obviously unsustainable if you feel that the only solution is to end it all.

I'm glad you came on here and said that, as it tells me you're not actually going to do it, but that you're at the end of your tether and don't see much in the way of hope.

I'm free for a call if you want to chat in the next few days by the way, just drop me a pm and we'll take it from there.

In terms of your brothers, it sounds aligned to what @Alert Mongoose said about romantic relationships in that the relationship with your mum requires work and adjustment on their part and for them to show up in a way that is hugely challenging for them. They're not doing that and, by the sounds of it have now checked out and are counting down the clock.

I think it's time that you take legal advice here in terms of getting both power if attorney and guardianship over your mother's money. I think you know (but haven't admitted to yourself) that her living in her own home with you as sole carer can't continue. You've given it everything mate but you're now pouring from an empty cup.

I worked in elderly care for 8 years and your story is very common. I can also tell you from experience that it gets better if you're willing to let go of certain outcomes and beliefs. 

There's a reason that airlines tell you to put your own mask on first mate. You can't serve the relationship if you're running on empty. 

 

[welshbairn]

8 hours ago, pawpar said:

Things haven't changed much. On 9th November 2023 I took a career break until the same date in 2024 because my mum is having hallucinations and sees cats everywhere. I would have been eligible to claim Carers allowance and Universal Credit but my employer f***ed up and still paid my money in to my account in November and December and as a result I have been declined both these benefits. I have asked them to look at that decision again and will probably have to return to work sooner rather than later. I feel the world is against me. I am haemorrhaging money left right and centre.  I love my mum but she is hard work. She shouts and screams at me most of the time because of her dementia. I have brothers who say they love my mum but have done the square root of feck all. I know though that if I left the house or went back to work I would be the villiain. I really feel like ending it all. My mum has 4 carers that come into the house each day and do a bloody brilliant job. But I am pissed off because I can't have a normal life. I have given up my job, my lifestyle (I went to Scotland games both home and abroad but won't be going to Germany this summer because I will be looking after my mum (I would though prefer to look after my mum then go to Germany)) and my life to look after my mum who I love very much. But it is coming to the point where I have to make a hard decision. I have to go back to work despite the fact that both my mum and one of my brothers have more money in their account. I have explained the situation but my brothers just don't care. I feel like doing a Reggie Perrin/ John Stonehouse and just buggering of and not coming back again but I can't because unlike my cunty brothers I love my mum and would never do anything to hurt her. Don't know what to do.  

Only way I coped with looking after my Dad with dementia and my Mum who was wheelchair bound for about a decade until they passed away was getting regular cover from my two sisters for weekends away for football and the odd week or so abroad. If that hadn't happened I would have had to find a care home for them, my Dad especially was exhausting, rarely got more than a couple hours sleep at a time. There are good homes out there where your Mum would get well looked after 24/7 by people who get proper breaks and time away, and you could visit regularly. A bonus is it would likely use up your cunty brothers' inheritance! 

I would start looking around for somewhere you think your Mum could live with, there's nothing shameful about admitting you need help and need to get on with your own life. 

 

[Bairnardo]

Feel like after using the thread to vent and benefitting from some genuinely nice posts, PMs and even offers of tangible help I at least owe an update. Things are moving along. Me and the wife are still getting along really well. I have told the kids, which was the thong I was utterly.terrified over. If anything I might have overcooked the positive spin Because they are now buzzing about the prospect of having 2 homes. As I said to the wife tho... If the kids having misplaced excitement is the worst thing we ha e to deal with then we are doing one fucker of a good job of splitting up. 

Iv.contributed back and forward to this thread over the years, and it's well known that it represents the best of this website, but I do feel like I have to say that despite the anonymity of the forum, there are a number of wonderful,.genuine people on here who will absolutely look out for you (or me in this case) and if you are reading this and want to talk, you shouldn't hesitate for a second. I've been touched by the well wishes iv received and I intend to pay it forward 

 

x. X

[TxRover]

On 15/01/2024 at 16:36, Bairnardo said:

Feel like after using the thread to vent and benefitting from some genuinely nice posts, PMs and even offers of tangible help I at least owe an update. Things are moving along. Me and the wife are still getting along really well. I have told the kids, which was the thong I was utterly.terrified over. If anything I might have overcooked the positive spin Because they are now buzzing about the prospect of having 2 homes. As I said to the wife tho... If the kids having misplaced excitement is the worst thing we ha e to deal with then we are doing one fucker of a good job of splitting up. 

Iv.contributed back and forward to this thread over the years, and it's well known that it represents the best of this website, but I do feel like I have to say that despite the anonymity of the forum, there are a number of wonderful,.genuine people on here who will absolutely look out for you (or me in this case) and if you are reading this and want to talk, you shouldn't hesitate for a second. I've been touched by the well wishes iv received and I intend to pay it forward 

 

x. X

If they're anything like most kids, they had already read the tea leaves themselves. Glad to hear its going as well a can be expected, hope that continues.

[Guest]

I've come off all social media, genuinely this time, just leaving this and YouTube. Mental health has gone through the floor, mostly because of a house move next month. Need time in the real world for my partner and I. Thank you for your continued support P&B not sure if I'd be here without you all

[sophia]

1 hour ago, Autistisches Nilpferd said:

I've come off all social media, genuinely this time, just leaving this and YouTube. Mental health has gone through the floor, mostly because of a house move next month. Need time in the real world for my partner and I. Thank you for your continued support P&B not sure if I'd be here without you all

The first meal in a new home is such a pleasure. Whatever you choose, I'm sure it'll be a taste of good times. 

Edited January 28 by sophia
typo

[Venti]

15 hours ago, Autistisches Nilpferd said:

I've come off all social media, genuinely this time, just leaving this and YouTube. Mental health has gone through the floor, mostly because of a house move next month. Need time in the real world for my partner and I. Thank you for your continued support P&B not sure if I'd be here without you all

Best thing I've ever did was deleting Facebook & X. Just toxic environments.

You're better off in here with folk who genuinely care.

Moving house is stressfull at the best of times, but I hope you & your partner settle ok.

[Jacksgranda]

3 hours ago, Venti said:

Best thing I've ever did was deleting Facebook & X. Just toxic environments.

You're better off in here with folk who genuinely care.

Moving house is stressfull at the best of times, but I hope you & your partner settle ok.

I haven't found Facebook too bad, so far. Most of my contacts are family, although family aren't always necessary all hugs and kisses! 

[Venti]

27 minutes ago, Jacksgranda said:

I haven't found Facebook too bad, so far. Most of my contacts are family, although family aren't always necessary all hugs and kisses! 

Think FB was just new when I signed up. Added everyone who sent an invite.

School mates, college folk, co workers & even people I'd met on the Glasgow clubbing scene.

Just ended up realising most of them were fucking fannies.