Depression

[SlipperyP]

13 hours ago, Venti said:

We need heroes like the Lone Ranger
When Tonto came pronto, when there was danger
They didn't say they'd be there in half an hour
Cause they displayed...Turtle Power!

Dont f**k about, we need guys like you..

As I mentioned earlier in the thread I take care of my son. Yesterday, he had no school, so went and stayed at grandads house (where the wife now stays).

Me on my tot. Get the garden done, wash the clothes, nae.

Now 10:30 Saturday morning, ive drunk 3 beers and a bottle of white wine.

In other news, my sisters are not coming  to Thailand this year.

Cost of living.

f**k the world

Be strong, be good

[LiviLion]

On 23/02/2024 at 17:19, Iminavest said:

If anyone here is the same as me and find relatability in music comforting, I would thoroughly recommend checking out Stick Season (Forever) by Noah Kahan. It has some absolute masterpieces that hit me like a tonne of bricks 

Stick Season has been stuck in my head for weeks now.

To add to this, a band called Citizen Soldier popped up on my Spotify recommendations ages ago and I think I've liked every song I've heard by them since then. A bit more to the point with their lyrics though.

Spoiler

 

 

Spoiler

 

Used to think people were being unnecessarily dramatic when they'd say "x song saved my life" but over the years I've definitely realised how comforting it can be to hear a song that sounds like it was written for you.

My dad passed away unexpectedly last month (wrote out about 3 separate posts for this thread that didn't get sent, think just typing it all out helped in its own way) and there's a good few songs I hear completely differently now; burst into tears listening to a song that would usually have me bobbing my head along

Edited February 27 by LiviLion

[scottsdad]

Quick update from me.

My subconscious plan to work myself to death continues apace. I am at it all day, evenings, weekends, the lot. 

The wife is still off with her compressed nerve, and because of this has started noticing it more. She asked me the other day if I ever switched off. My mate at work, who had a candid word with me last year, has had another one, telling me outright that i am en route for a collapse. 

I have taken the piss and shared stories in the past, but David (aka The Prof) spoke to me at the end of last week. Literally came into my office, shut the door and told me that i cannot take on any more. He's been around a long time and seen colleagues do what I am doing. He said something striking - "the university doesn't love you back, no matter what you give it". 

It's all linked with my grieving process. I made it past my old man's birthday, father's day, Christmas all fine. New Year was unreal, awful. The anniversary of his death is coming up and for some reason I am dreading it.

On the plus side, I was offered another role to take on last week and said no. 

I need to change but can't seem to get off this accelerating spiral.

[TxRover]

19 minutes ago, scottsdad said:

Quick update from me.

My subconscious plan to work myself to death continues apace. I am at it all day, evenings, weekends, the lot. 

The wife is still off with her compressed nerve, and because of this has started noticing it more. She asked me the other day if I ever switched off. My mate at work, who had a candid word with me last year, has had another one, telling me outright that i am en route for a collapse. 

I have taken the piss and shared stories in the past, but David (aka The Prof) spoke to me at the end of last week. Literally came into my office, shut the door and told me that i cannot take on any more. He's been around a long time and seen colleagues do what I am doing. He said something striking - "the university doesn't love you back, no matter what you give it". 

It's all linked with my grieving process. I made it past my old man's birthday, father's day, Christmas all fine. New Year was unreal, awful. The anniversary of his death is coming up and for some reason I am dreading it.

On the plus side, I was offered another role to take on last week and said no. 

I need to change but can't seem to get off this accelerating spiral.

Your coping mechanism needs adjustment. A realignment away from more work=being able to drive through grieving issues to something else=the same is necessary. The wife's time off work allows you to possible reorient your energies to a more positive model. With a compressed nerve, there is things she has trouble with, and you could turn your energies to assisting her and also seeking things she can do with you while having this issue. If you don't feel able to do this alone, a counselor might be able to assist you in gaining a better understanding of why you cope in this manner and techniques for realigning the coping.

Congratulations on turning down a role, and understanding The Professor's message.

[parsforlife]

2 hours ago, scottsdad said:

 

On the plus side, I was offered another role to take on last week and said no. 

I need to change but can't seem to get off this accelerating spiral

I’m very reluctant to say anything on grief, it’s incredibly specific on every occasion, to say what’s right or wrong for any occasion can’t be said.

But it sounds like you don’t like your reaction and aren’t benefiting from it, you probably need space to let something else in and process things. 

Prof is right, you’re a cog in a machine and if seniors think they can get more they’ll push hard for it and ignore the consequences of that.  The more they can get you to take the harder they’ll push.

You need to put your foot down at some point and it sounds like you’re beginning to find where you can do that, find more places where you can delegate or just outright refuse to do work and you’ll find a weight lifted.

[pawpar]

On 13/01/2024 at 02:29, pawpar said:

Things haven't changed much. On 9th November 2023 I took a career break until the same date in 2024 because my mum is having hallucinations and sees cats everywhere. I would have been eligible to claim Carers allowance and Universal Credit but my employer f***ed up and still paid my money in to my account in November and December and as a result I have been declined both these benefits. I have asked them to look at that decision again and will probably have to return to work sooner rather than later. I feel the world is against me. I am haemorrhaging money left right and centre.  I love my mum but she is hard work. She shouts and screams at me most of the time because of her dementia. I have brothers who say they love my mum but have done the square root of feck all. I know though that if I left the house or went back to work I would be the villiain. I really feel like ending it all. My mum has 4 carers that come into the house each day and do a bloody brilliant job. But I am pissed off because I can't have a normal life. I have given up my job, my lifestyle (I went to Scotland games both home and abroad but won't be going to Germany this summer because I will be looking after my mum (I would though prefer to look after my mum then go to Germany)) and my life to look after my mum who I love very much. But it is coming to the point where I have to make a hard decision. I have to go back to work despite the fact that both my mum and one of my brothers have more money in their account. I have explained the situation but my brothers just don't care. I feel like doing a Reggie Perrin/ John Stonehouse and just buggering of and not coming back again but I can't because unlike my cunty brothers I love my mum and would never do anything to hurt her. Don't know what to do.  

This coming thursday 14/03/24 would have been my dads 84th birthday.  I am glad he is dead as he made everybodys life around him especially mine an absolute misery. he tried to murder me 3 times. I am the only person looking after my mum who I love to bits but my 2 cunty brothers could not care less about my mum. When it is her birthday they could not care less about her. She suffered a stroke as a result of my dads abusive behaviour.  However my dads birthday is on the 14th and both my cunty brothers want to celebrate it. I am the only family member looking after my mum. I have lost thousands of pounds taking a career break looking after my mum. These 2 b*****ds of brothers though have done nothing to support her and 1 from Cowdenbeath is coming on thursday becuase it would have been my dads birthday and if the other one comes up from gloucester who has not been up since my dads birthday last year then they are both dead to me. I hope the pair of them get cancer and die a long and horrible death. Love my mum. 

[velo army]

On 07/03/2024 at 20:39, scottsdad said:

Quick update from me.

My subconscious plan to work myself to death continues apace. I am at it all day, evenings, weekends, the lot. 

The wife is still off with her compressed nerve, and because of this has started noticing it more. She asked me the other day if I ever switched off. My mate at work, who had a candid word with me last year, has had another one, telling me outright that i am en route for a collapse. 

I have taken the piss and shared stories in the past, but David (aka The Prof) spoke to me at the end of last week. Literally came into my office, shut the door and told me that i cannot take on any more. He's been around a long time and seen colleagues do what I am doing. He said something striking - "the university doesn't love you back, no matter what you give it". 

It's all linked with my grieving process. I made it past my old man's birthday, father's day, Christmas all fine. New Year was unreal, awful. The anniversary of his death is coming up and for some reason I am dreading it.

On the plus side, I was offered another role to take on last week and said no. 

I need to change but can't seem to get off this accelerating spiral.

The only way to stop playing a game is to stop. However, you have to first of all know what game it is you're playing before you can do so.

What is the payoff here? In other words, what do you get by working so hard? That's not a rhetorical question. Good therapists will tell you that in order to cease problem behaviours you have to first start seeing the behaviours themselves as solutions rather than problems. What problem does this behaviour solve and what is the payoff? The payoff doesn't necessarily need to be a positive. People sometimes pick fights with their spouses because getting yelled at was the only attention they got when they were children, so that's the payoff. People turn up late and are unreliable so that nobody expects things from them. They don't disappoint and risk rejection.

This may seem like a new behaviour, but once you dig a little bit, recognising what problem you're solving here then you'll see that you learned this much earlier. You may even have had such avoidant methods modelled by your father or mother. The culture of your home and family may have been one in which large expressions of "negative" emotion such as grief and anger were unwelcome. Men our age were often taught to put a lid on our feelings much earlier than was appropriate. We learn that we won't be held. We also learn that, not only that, but that expression of those feelings will lead to shame and therefore rejection. 

When we learn that our feelings aren't welcome we do anything we can to avoid them. I'm big on alcohol consumption and general dissociation, personally. I'm getting better at feeling my feelings now, but I still find myself in a pit of loneliness and despair as I unconsciously play a game of hide and seek with everyone in my life (without telling them to come and find me) as I learned that being utterly alone in the world was the safest place to be. That's my payoff.

I'm glad you're expressing this here, and it does seem that you've recognised that the behaviour might actually be harmful, even though it sounds like this is a realisation given by other sources. I'm also glad that you stopped taking on so much. It also sounds like you are not alone in this as even The Prof has reached out his hand to you. 

I've said a lot here, but above all I'd invite you to be very gentle with yourself. Over-working is another form of self-flagellation where we become simultaneously galley-slave and whip-hand, with the underlying belief that we deserve to suffer and be punished rather than allow ourselves to be held.

Do something nice for yourself that reinforces a belief that you're worthy of being cared for, rather than merely chastising yourself for doing too much and focussing again on how you're doing it wrong (which keeps you playing the game you say you want to stop).

Have a fine weekend.

 

 

 

[Venti]

11 hours ago, pawpar said:

This coming thursday 14/03/24 would have been my dads 84th birthday.  I am glad he is dead as he made everybodys life around him especially mine an absolute misery. he tried to murder me 3 times. I am the only person looking after my mum who I love to bits but my 2 cunty brothers could not care less about my mum. When it is her birthday they could not care less about her. She suffered a stroke as a result of my dads abusive behaviour.  However my dads birthday is on the 14th and both my cunty brothers want to celebrate it. I am the only family member looking after my mum. I have lost thousands of pounds taking a career break looking after my mum. These 2 b*****ds of brothers though have done nothing to support her and 1 from Cowdenbeath is coming on thursday becuase it would have been my dads birthday and if the other one comes up from gloucester who has not been up since my dads birthday last year then they are both dead to me. I hope the pair of them get cancer and die a long and horrible death. Love my mum. 

Fucking hell that's horrific about your Dad.

From the looks of it your brothers got your Dad's 'bad DNA' & you've gotten you mothers.

I know its pseudo science, but I've noticed in my own family that traits/flaws are more prevelant in certain members.

Keep on loving your mum, but wishing cancer & death is dark thoughts you don't need..

It's mothers day tomorrow & sadly I lost mine when I was young. So make it count mate.

[accies1874]

Decided to bite the bullet and get a doctor's appointment. Not sure what I'm hoping to come from it, but this has probably been the lowest I've felt and I know I need to do something to change it.

[Swarley]

3 minutes ago, accies1874 said:

Decided to bite the bullet and get a doctor's appointment. Not sure what I'm hoping to come from it, but this has probably been the lowest I've felt and I know I need to do something to change it.

Well done. You've taken a step forward. Sometimes it's just talking to someone that can help.

[Venti]

23 minutes ago, accies1874 said:

Decided to bite the bullet and get a doctor's appointment. Not sure what I'm hoping to come from it, but this has probably been the lowest I've felt and I know I need to do something to change it.

Hope you get the help to make you feel like the old you. (If that makes sense)

[Bert Raccoon]

1 hour ago, accies1874 said:

Decided to bite the bullet and get a doctor's appointment. Not sure what I'm hoping to come from it, but this has probably been the lowest I've felt and I know I need to do something to change it.

Hope you're OK bud and you know I'm here if you ever need to drop a wee message or anything 

[TxRover]

4 hours ago, accies1874 said:

Decided to bite the bullet and get a doctor's appointment. Not sure what I'm hoping to come from it, but this has probably been the lowest I've felt and I know I need to do something to change it.

The step forward in the medical community’s understanding and openness to dealing with Mental Health issues in the past 50 years or so is night and day as I look at it. It’s brilliant that you can comfortably go see a doctor with a firm belief they WILL take you seriously and try to help you. Hopefully, you will find exactly what you need, but don’t be afraid to be an advocate for yourself. Take care, there’s a whole community here that can listen and offer suggestions and experiences.

[accies1874]

Thanks all, it's much appreciated. Hopefully things can start moving in the right direction soon. 

[HeWhoWalksBehindTheRows]

On 23/02/2024 at 13:55, Venti said:

We need heroes like the Lone Ranger
When Tonto came pronto, when there was danger
They didn't say they'd be there in half an hour
Cause they displayed...Turtle 

Amazing.

[Dons_1988]

Been pondering a post in here for a while now but never got round to it and frankly it felt like it might be a bit self indulgent, given right now I’m not in a bad place really. Feel free to ignore or tell me to shut up if it is indeed self indulgent. 

5-6 years ago I really was in a terrible place and long story short, diet and fitness saved my life. I managed to get into a good routine, lost a load of weight, got fit, did a marathon but more importantly my entire outlook changed. I was able to see beyond the grey outlook on life and I felt alive again after so long of feeling just totally detached from the world. 

As a result, diet and fitness has been a staple ever since and other than a few episodes I’ve broadly remained pretty fine since. 

And this is where @scottsdad’s post has pushed me into this. As despite all of this, I sometimes wonder if I’m actually that happy. I am in a phase of marathon training again, which is going great, I’m motivated, focused and resilient to the shit of life. But it’s at the weekends, when there’s dead time.

When I just need to relax, or be content in my own company. I can’t do it, I can’t sit and watch shit on tv. I end up working, I need to be doing something. 

There was a moment last year when I was on a train from Edinburgh to Dunfermline and I crossed the forth bridge with some music on. And for like 2 minutes, I felt genuine calm and peace. I’ve never felt it before or since. And I couldn’t jump on the train tomorrow and just recreate it. But it felt so good in that moment, why can’t I feel like that more?

This has turned into a ramble, hopefully it makes a semblance of sense. 

[Molotov]

2 minutes ago, Dons_1988 said:

Been pondering a post in here for a while now but never got round to it and frankly it felt like it might be a bit self indulgent, given right now I’m not in a bad place really. Feel free to ignore or tell me to shut up if it is indeed self indulgent. 

5-6 years ago I really was in a terrible place and long story short, diet and fitness saved my life. I managed to get into a good routine, lost a load of weight, got fit, did a marathon but more importantly my entire outlook changed. I was able to see beyond the grey outlook on life and I felt alive again after so long of feeling just totally detached from the world. 

As a result, diet and fitness has been a staple ever since and other than a few episodes I’ve broadly remained pretty fine since. 

And this is where @scottsdad’s post has pushed me into this. As despite all of this, I sometimes wonder if I’m actually that happy. I am in a phase of marathon training again, which is going great, I’m motivated, focused and resilient to the shit of life. But it’s at the weekends, when there’s dead time.

When I just need to relax, or be content in my own company. I can’t do it, I can’t sit and watch shit on tv. I end up working, I need to be doing something. 

There was a moment last year when I was on a train from Edinburgh to Dunfermline and I crossed the forth bridge with some music on. And for like 2 minutes, I felt genuine calm and peace. I’ve never felt it before or since. And I couldn’t jump on the train tomorrow and just recreate it. But it felt so good in that moment, why can’t I feel like that more?

This has turned into a ramble, hopefully it makes a semblance of sense. 

Perhaps try a meditation app. 

Really helps you to switch off from the reality of modern “always on” mode that we often find ourselves experiencing. 

Another thing to try is yoga or something similar that allows you to focus on the breath and the body. 

[TxRover]

6 hours ago, Dons_1988 said:

Been pondering a post in here for a while now but never got round to it and frankly it felt like it might be a bit self indulgent, given right now I’m not in a bad place really. Feel free to ignore or tell me to shut up if it is indeed self indulgent. 

5-6 years ago I really was in a terrible place and long story short, diet and fitness saved my life. I managed to get into a good routine, lost a load of weight, got fit, did a marathon but more importantly my entire outlook changed. I was able to see beyond the grey outlook on life and I felt alive again after so long of feeling just totally detached from the world. 

As a result, diet and fitness has been a staple ever since and other than a few episodes I’ve broadly remained pretty fine since. 

And this is where @scottsdad’s post has pushed me into this. As despite all of this, I sometimes wonder if I’m actually that happy. I am in a phase of marathon training again, which is going great, I’m motivated, focused and resilient to the shit of life. But it’s at the weekends, when there’s dead time.

When I just need to relax, or be content in my own company. I can’t do it, I can’t sit and watch shit on tv. I end up working, I need to be doing something. 

There was a moment last year when I was on a train from Edinburgh to Dunfermline and I crossed the forth bridge with some music on. And for like 2 minutes, I felt genuine calm and peace. I’ve never felt it before or since. And I couldn’t jump on the train tomorrow and just recreate it. But it felt so good in that moment, why can’t I feel like that more?

This has turned into a ramble, hopefully it makes a semblance of sense. 

Perhaps a complex hobby, like watch repair. Sounds nuts, but its like playing with cars on a small (and cheaper) scale. Very much a form of meditation in it's own way. This lad seems to enjoy it.

 

[The Moonster]

13 hours ago, Dons_1988 said:

Been pondering a post in here for a while now but never got round to it and frankly it felt like it might be a bit self indulgent, given right now I’m not in a bad place really. Feel free to ignore or tell me to shut up if it is indeed self indulgent. 

5-6 years ago I really was in a terrible place and long story short, diet and fitness saved my life. I managed to get into a good routine, lost a load of weight, got fit, did a marathon but more importantly my entire outlook changed. I was able to see beyond the grey outlook on life and I felt alive again after so long of feeling just totally detached from the world. 

As a result, diet and fitness has been a staple ever since and other than a few episodes I’ve broadly remained pretty fine since. 

And this is where @scottsdad’s post has pushed me into this. As despite all of this, I sometimes wonder if I’m actually that happy. I am in a phase of marathon training again, which is going great, I’m motivated, focused and resilient to the shit of life. But it’s at the weekends, when there’s dead time.

When I just need to relax, or be content in my own company. I can’t do it, I can’t sit and watch shit on tv. I end up working, I need to be doing something. 

There was a moment last year when I was on a train from Edinburgh to Dunfermline and I crossed the forth bridge with some music on. And for like 2 minutes, I felt genuine calm and peace. I’ve never felt it before or since. And I couldn’t jump on the train tomorrow and just recreate it. But it felt so good in that moment, why can’t I feel like that more?

This has turned into a ramble, hopefully it makes a semblance of sense. 

I'd agree with finding a hobby that will bring you some sort of focus and sense of achievement. If you're into music and that has brought you calm before (albeit on a train journey), how about learning an instrument? Something simple enough to learn like the ukulele, you'll progress quite quickly with a bit of practice and time flies by. Ukes are cheap as chips too so if it's not for you then at least you're not our of pocket.

I don't know if you've ever played golf but I would highly recommend it to anyone who has trouble switching off from life. 3-4 hours walking fair distances but you don't view it as a walk. The feeling when a good shot comes off can have you buzzing for the rest of the day. It's obviously quite expensive to get into but I think the value I gain from my mental health is worth it. 

[Alert Mongoose]

2 hours ago, The Moonster said:

The feeling when a good shot comes off can have you buzzing for the rest of the day.

I agree with the golf suggestion. The feeling from one decent shot can overwrite the other 98 that went wrong