Depression

[Raidernation]

Thanks mate.
Just feel that more folk have worse stuff going on.

Doesn’t matter, if it’s bothering you then it’s important!

[Thereisalight..]

I’ve been having  few bad days, to go with a few bad months. Been really teary, missing my Dad and knowing my love of football won’t ever be the same again without him to chat to about it. It’s my birthday soon and my first without him, and I keep thinking back to previous birthdays my ex and I spent together. I’m missing her too, despite her being a bitch. I’m also anxious about my Mum passing away, as when she goes I’ll have nobody to live for. Depression and anxiety together is terrible

[Shandon Par]

22 hours ago, Thereisalight.. said:

I’ve been having  few bad days, to go with a few bad months. Been really teary, missing my Dad and knowing my love of football won’t ever be the same again without him to chat to about it. It’s my birthday soon and my first without him, and I keep thinking back to previous birthdays my ex and I spent together. I’m missing her too, despite her being a bitch. I’m also anxious about my Mum passing away, as when she goes I’ll have nobody to live for. Depression and anxiety together is terrible

Your folks are always sort of with you even when they’ve gone. Like you, football and my old man went hand in hand. So many memories following Dunfermline and pre-internet as a student he’d send me clippings from The Courier or Dunfermline Press if there was any Pars news. Even now I get the occasional dream with him in it and it’s really comforting to chat to him. 
 

Death is an unavoidable part of life and there can also be a freedom and new sense of self-worth when a parent passes on. There are maybe things they did that were important to you and you want to carry on but you may also grow to realise there were certain aspects of them that held you back too. Sorry to hear it sounds daunting for you but you’ll be okay.

[Shandon Par]

More frazzled to fek than depressed but need to just vent a wee bit to avoid taking it out on someone.

Work has been full on and distressing because of this bug that’s going around but has also grown to be quite humbling and worthwhile trying to help folk out who are in some tough situations.

It has left me pretty drained when not at work but instead of rest I’ve had my elderly mum on my case 24/7. She has really needed to be in nursing care for some time. She had been in a care home (not the same staff levels of busing care as a nursing home) but she opted to move home. She had carers but would call all day and night and ring her emergency alarm to summon paramedics over trivial stuff. She has a really nasty rare condition that is causing dementia and has cost her her mobility. 
 

Managed to get her into a home today, much to the relief of her carers and social workers. It’s the Four Seasons of nursing homes and costs the sort of money a half decent striker earns each week but immediately she was calling and texting to say it’s hell on Earth. She’ll be horrible to the staff then wonder why they’re not that nice to her. She desperately just wants to die but euthanasia isn’t an option so she has to slowly rot.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the death of a good pal of mine. Someone I think about fondly every day and who who was just so funny and engaging. Been really sad about that but have had the constant pressure of my mum ringing and texting. To avoid going mental at her I had to block my mum’s number, (eta - I’ll unblock it in a day or so!) just for a bit of respite from her calls and texts. I deleted a hundred voicemails from her yesterday and they were just from the last couple of weeks. In the space of a couple of hours this afternoon she’d rung about 15 times, despite texting her to ask for a bit of peace as I was back at work (having spent the day up to then helping pack and move for her). The calls are for things like if the carers have not brought her a tea within 30 seconds of her asking. 

Opened the fridge when I got in and a pot of (off) cream flew out and went all over me and the floor, then in the process of getting changed I knocked over and smashed a vase - just being clumsy though being fried. Can’t even go out for a run to clear the head as I need to walk the dog on his lead. 

This lockdown is probably making many of you feel that pent up frustration so I don’t need sympathy. Just typing this TL/DR pish has probably knocked the stress levels down a wee bit. 
 

 

Edited April 16, 2020 by Shandon Par

[philpy]

More frazzled to fek than depressed but need to just vent a wee bit to avoid taking it out on someone.
Work has been full on and distressing because of this bug that’s going around but has also grown to be quite humbling and worthwhile trying to help folk out who are in some tough situations.
It has left me pretty drained when not at work but instead of rest I’ve had my elderly mum on my case 24/7. She has really needed to be in nursing care for some time. She had been in a care home (not the same staff levels of busing care as a nursing home) but she opted to move home. She had carers but would call all day and night and ring her emergency alarm to summon paramedics over trivial stuff. She has a really nasty rare condition that is causing dementia and has cost her her mobility. 
 
Managed to get her into a home today, much to the relief of her carers and social workers. It’s the Four Seasons of nursing homes and costs the sort of money a half decent striker earns each week but immediately she was calling and texting to say it’s hell on Earth. She’ll be horrible to the staff then wonder why they’re not that nice to her. She desperately just wants to die but euthanasia isn’t an option so she has to slowly rot.
Tomorrow is the anniversary of the death of a good pal of mine. Someone I think about fondly every day and who who was just so funny and engaging. Been really sad about that but have had the constant pressure of my mum ringing and texting. To avoid going mental at her I had to block my mum’s number, just for a bit of respite from her calls and texts. I deleted a hundred voicemails from her yesterday and they were just from the last couple of weeks. In the space of a couple of hours this afternoon she’d rung about 15 times, despite texting her to ask for a bit of peace as I was back at work (having spent the day up to then helping pack and move for her). The calls are for things like if the carers have not brought her a tea within 30 seconds of her asking. 
Opened the fridge when I got in and a pot of (off) cream flew out and went all over me and the floor, then in the process of getting changed I knocked over and smashed a vase - just being clumsy though being fried. Can’t even go out for a run to clear the head as I need to walk the dog on his lead. 
This lockdown is probably making many of you feel that pent up frustration so I don’t need sympathy. Just typing this TL/DR pish has probably knocked the stress levels down a wee bit. 
 
 

Nothing is too long to read on this thread mate. Keep the head up.

[Bairnardo]

Ken what really fucks me off, despite the fact that I am very aware that I do this, I cant seem to stop. I think I am going to spend the rest of my life in a state of semi mourning for what I used to be/what I used to do etc etc.

It's like I am scared to let time pass which just seems to make it happen faster. Like I am constantly waiting for something in the near future and then when that happens il be happy then. But theres always something else.c

I have a hard time making my peace with getting older despite the fact that in many ways life gets better. Anyone else suffer from these types of thoughts? I get it's not depression but it's certainly something that plays on my mind.

[Jacksgranda]

1 hour ago, Shandon Par said:

More frazzled to fek than depressed but need to just vent a wee bit to avoid taking it out on someone.

Work has been full on and distressing because of this bug that’s going around but has also grown to be quite humbling and worthwhile trying to help folk out who are in some tough situations.

It has left me pretty drained when not at work but instead of rest I’ve had my elderly mum on my case 24/7. She has really needed to be in nursing care for some time. She had been in a care home (not the same staff levels of busing care as a nursing home) but she opted to move home. She had carers but would call all day and night and ring her emergency alarm to summon paramedics over trivial stuff. She has a really nasty rare condition that is causing dementia and has cost her her mobility. 
 

Managed to get her into a home today, much to the relief of her carers and social workers. It’s the Four Seasons of nursing homes and costs the sort of money a half decent striker earns each week but immediately she was calling and texting to say it’s hell on Earth. She’ll be horrible to the staff then wonder why they’re not that nice to her. She desperately just wants to die but euthanasia isn’t an option so she has to slowly rot.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the death of a good pal of mine. Someone I think about fondly every day and who who was just so funny and engaging. Been really sad about that but have had the constant pressure of my mum ringing and texting. To avoid going mental at her I had to block my mum’s number, (eta - I’ll unblock it in a day or so!) just for a bit of respite from her calls and texts. I deleted a hundred voicemails from her yesterday and they were just from the last couple of weeks. In the space of a couple of hours this afternoon she’d rung about 15 times, despite texting her to ask for a bit of peace as I was back at work (having spent the day up to then helping pack and move for her). The calls are for things like if the carers have not brought her a tea within 30 seconds of her asking. 

Opened the fridge when I got in and a pot of (off) cream flew out and went all over me and the floor, then in the process of getting changed I knocked over and smashed a vase - just being clumsy though being fried. Can’t even go out for a run to clear the head as I need to walk the dog on his lead. 

This lockdown is probably making many of you feel that pent up frustration so I don’t need sympathy. Just typing this TL/DR pish has probably knocked the stress levels down a wee bit. 
 

 

Good

[fummycrash]

this pandemic is really really stressful. I dont know if I am getting depressed with what is happening. worrying about health, about supplies to use, food, our doctors, nurses, frontliners who are in great danger, the economy, the global effect. it is really saddening.

[Jacksgranda]

4 hours ago, fummycrash said:

this pandemic is really really stressful. I dont know if I am getting depressed with what is happening. worrying about health, about supplies to use, food, our doctors, nurses, frontliners who are in great danger, the economy, the global effect. it is really saddening.

Do you live on your own? 

I deal with the pandemic by trying not to listen/watch/read too much news (about it). The pandemic is out there and I'm in here with my wife and daughter so I've a bit company which helps, I would imagine (although maybe not for everyone who has company). Also my stepdaughters ring their mother every day which also helps.

Try to keep busy mentally and physically and try not to dwell on it (the pandemic and associated problems), also keep posting here, there is a lot of experience on this thread about depression and coping with it.

[Shandon Par]

13 hours ago, Bairnardo said:

Ken what really fucks me off, despite the fact that I am very aware that I do this, I cant seem to stop. I think I am going to spend the rest of my life in a state of semi mourning for what I used to be/what I used to do etc etc.

It's like I am scared to let time pass which just seems to make it happen faster. Like I am constantly waiting for something in the near future and then when that happens il be happy then. But theres always something else.c

I have a hard time making my peace with getting older despite the fact that in many ways life gets better. Anyone else suffer from these types of thoughts? I get it's not depression but it's certainly something that plays on my mind.

There are certainly different phases in life and we either consciously or subconsciously close one chapter and open another. You'll probably be at the stage where your kids are hitting a certain age where as a dad, you start to change physiologically. Testosterone starts to come back as you realise the kids can pretty much walk, talk, feed themselves (sort of) so it's quite natural that you start to feel a bit lost. You might want to go back to being a 20 y/o lad but that's no an option. For you, it might be stuff like the cycling that gives you a new sense of purpose. Or cookery. It's maybe a slower pace of life but that's okay. You can see on here that people warm to you just fine as you are.  

[Bairnardo]

44 minutes ago, Shandon Par said:

There are certainly different phases in life and we either consciously or subconsciously close one chapter and open another. You'll probably be at the stage where your kids are hitting a certain age where as a dad, you start to change physiologically. Testosterone starts to come back as you realise the kids can pretty much walk, talk, feed themselves (sort of) so it's quite natural that you start to feel a bit lost. You might want to go back to being a 20 y/o lad but that's no an option. For you, it might be stuff like the cycling that gives you a new sense of purpose. Or cookery. It's maybe a slower pace of life but that's okay. You can see on here that people warm to you just fine as you are.  

Kind words appreciated my man. It's an odd one in that I am very aware of the futility of it, as you say and in general have a very matter of fact outlook on life. It's like I can't shake this one though despite knowing it makes no sense, and more so that I am worried i'll never be able to stop that line of thinking, and that it will somehow detract from the present for the rest of my days. I did the charity fight thing, and ran the 10k last year to give me drive and purpose. Perhaps after the corona saga is done I will find another challenge to aim at. Its not like I don't have plenty to fill my time but perhaps something that's a real challenge is in order.

[Venti]

18 hours ago, Bairnardo said:

Ken what really fucks me off, despite the fact that I am very aware that I do this, I cant seem to stop. I think I am going to spend the rest of my life in a state of semi mourning for what I used to be/what I used to do etc etc.

It's like I am scared to let time pass which just seems to make it happen faster. Like I am constantly waiting for something in the near future and then when that happens il be happy then. But theres always something else.c

I have a hard time making my peace with getting older despite the fact that in many ways life gets better. Anyone else suffer from these types of thoughts? I get it's not depression but it's certainly something that plays on my mind.

I'm kind of the same. Like not seeing any prolonged period of happiness. Worrying about things I have no control over.

[Guest JTS98]

18 hours ago, Bairnardo said:

Ken what really fucks me off, despite the fact that I am very aware that I do this, I cant seem to stop. I think I am going to spend the rest of my life in a state of semi mourning for what I used to be/what I used to do etc etc.

It's like I am scared to let time pass which just seems to make it happen faster. Like I am constantly waiting for something in the near future and then when that happens il be happy then. But theres always something else.c

I have a hard time making my peace with getting older despite the fact that in many ways life gets better. Anyone else suffer from these types of thoughts? I get it's not depression but it's certainly something that plays on my mind.

Yeah, I get exactly this. I think a lot of us do.

I'm 35 now, so not exactly ancient, but in the first stage of life where I can't reasonably refer to myself as a young person any more. It's taking a bit of getting used to.

Was talking to a mate the other night that I used to work with when we were both between the ages of 27 and 29. Brought back how fucking brilliant it was. Living in the sunshine doing a job we both liked, good mates around, still young enough to be young but old enough to not be a daft wean. Playing for three fitba teams, good social life, pretty much at life's physical peak.

It was fucking amazing. No chance I appreciated it enough at the time and when I got off Skype to him I just felt this overwhelming sadness that it had gone.

I'm fine with what I'm doing and where I am now. Maybe in five years I'll get that level of nostalgia for 2020.

Like you said, in many ways life is better now. But grief for the passing of stages of life is a natural thing, I think. It certainly all seems to go very fast once you hit your thirties. It's disconcerting.

[Jacksgranda]

58 minutes ago, JTS98 said:

Yeah, I get exactly this. I think a lot of us do.

I'm 35 now, so not exactly ancient, but in the first stage of life where I can't reasonably refer to myself as a young person any more. It's taking a bit of getting used to.

Was talking to a mate the other night that I used to work with when we were both between the ages of 27 and 29. Brought back how fucking brilliant it was. Living in the sunshine doing a job we both liked, good mates around, still young enough to be young but old enough to not be a daft wean. Playing for three fitba teams, good social life, pretty much at life's physical peak.

It was fucking amazing. No chance I appreciated it enough at the time and when I got off Skype to him I just felt this overwhelming sadness that it had gone.

I'm fine with what I'm doing and where I am now. Maybe in five years I'll get that level of nostalgia for 2020.

Like you said, in many ways life is better now. But grief for the passing of stages of life is a natural thing, I think. It certainly all seems to go very fast once you hit your thirties. It's disconcerting.

Sure does, boy! Thirty seems like yesterday. It was actually 37 years ago! 

[HoustonRover]

On 16/04/2020 at 13:44, Shandon Par said:

More frazzled to fek than depressed but need to just vent a wee bit to avoid taking it out on someone.

Work has been full on and distressing because of this bug that’s going around but has also grown to be quite humbling and worthwhile trying to help folk out who are in some tough situations.

It has left me pretty drained when not at work but instead of rest I’ve had my elderly mum on my case 24/7. She has really needed to be in nursing care for some time. She had been in a care home (not the same staff levels of busing care as a nursing home) but she opted to move home. She had carers but would call all day and night and ring her emergency alarm to summon paramedics over trivial stuff. She has a really nasty rare condition that is causing dementia and has cost her her mobility. 
 

Managed to get her into a home today, much to the relief of her carers and social workers. It’s the Four Seasons of nursing homes and costs the sort of money a half decent striker earns each week but immediately she was calling and texting to say it’s hell on Earth. She’ll be horrible to the staff then wonder why they’re not that nice to her. She desperately just wants to die but euthanasia isn’t an option so she has to slowly rot.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the death of a good pal of mine. Someone I think about fondly every day and who who was just so funny and engaging. Been really sad about that but have had the constant pressure of my mum ringing and texting. To avoid going mental at her I had to block my mum’s number, (eta - I’ll unblock it in a day or so!) just for a bit of respite from her calls and texts. I deleted a hundred voicemails from her yesterday and they were just from the last couple of weeks. In the space of a couple of hours this afternoon she’d rung about 15 times, despite texting her to ask for a bit of peace as I was back at work (having spent the day up to then helping pack and move for her). The calls are for things like if the carers have not brought her a tea within 30 seconds of her asking. 

Opened the fridge when I got in and a pot of (off) cream flew out and went all over me and the floor, then in the process of getting changed I knocked over and smashed a vase - just being clumsy though being fried. Can’t even go out for a run to clear the head as I need to walk the dog on his lead. 

This lockdown is probably making many of you feel that pent up frustration so I don’t need sympathy. Just typing this TL/DR pish has probably knocked the stress levels down a wee bit. 
 

 

Keep hustling bro and looking after ill family is a mental torture in itself.

I find after a mental few days (travel with work etc - albeit it not now) then dealing with troubling dementia situations sitting in a dark room once everyone else is in bed and the house is quiest with a bit of a light on, nothing on just me and a beer/bourbon alone to just go ahhhhhhhh and enjoy the calm is very much my happy place.

Not sure what I'm trying to say tbh but a lot of above struck with me and when I feel like that I make sure I do my thing above. 

So erm, yeah, sit in the dark.

[Shandon Par]

33 minutes ago, HoustonRover said:

Keep hustling bro and looking after ill family is a mental torture in itself.

I find after a mental few days (travel with work etc - albeit it not now) then dealing with troubling dementia situations sitting in a dark room once everyone else is in bed and the house is quiest with a bit of a light on, nothing on just me and a beer/bourbon alone to just go ahhhhhhhh and enjoy the calm is very much my happy place.

Not sure what I'm trying to say tbh but a lot of above struck with me and when I feel like that I make sure I do my thing above. 

So erm, yeah, sit in the dark.

A bath and a peppermint tea is my equivalent of that. Know what you mean - that total peace and chance to decompress. 

[8MileBU]

On 12/04/2020 at 14:27, Slenderman said:

Thanks mate.

Just feel that more folk have worse stuff going on.

Depression takes many forms and what life’s throwing at  you just now is manifesting itself as anxiety. So whilst you might not be clinically depressed,  you’ve got good reason to be really worried so don’t hold back when you need to speak to someone, by whatever means.

[Herman Hessian]

On 15/04/2020 at 20:35, Thereisalight.. said:

I’ve been having  few bad days, to go with a few bad months. Been really teary, missing my Dad and knowing my love of football won’t ever be the same again without him to chat to about it. It’s my birthday soon and my first without him, and I keep thinking back to previous birthdays my ex and I spent together. I’m missing her too, despite her being a bitch. I’m also anxious about my Mum passing away, as when she goes I’ll have nobody to live for. Depression and anxiety together is terrible

this is going to sound an awful lot like grief point scoring or some lame "you think you've had it bad" one-upmanship  bullshittery, but please take it in the spirit in which it is intended: i lost both my parents and my wife over the course of a short while a few years back, and here I am, along the way, bright as a button and as happy as I have ever been; i'm an irredeemable arsehole right enough, but stay strong, and want things to work out - in all probability, they will; i think you just have to accept that as life progresses it's inevitably going to have it's down days, months, years maybe - but hold on to those memories you cherish and think how good you will feel when you're able to replicate them, albeit playing out the same scenes with different characters; you can live and love again - be a bit selfish and aim for your own gratification rather than thinking that you own it to those you've lost to live in a bubble of grief, that's not what they would want for you...

[Thereisalight..]

10 minutes ago, Herman Hessian said:

this is going to sound an awful lot like grief point scoring or some lame "you think you've had it bad" one-upmanship  bullshittery, but please take it in the spirit in which it is intended: i lost both my parents and my wife over the course of a short while a few years back, and here I am, along the way, bright as a button and as happy as I have ever been; i'm an irredeemable arsehole right enough, but stay strong, and want things to work out - in all probability, they will; i think you just have to accept that as life progresses it's inevitably going to have it's down days, months, years maybe - but hold on to those memories you cherish and think how good you will feel when you're able to replicate them, albeit playing out the same scenes with different characters; you can live and love again - be a bit selfish and aim for your own gratification rather than thinking that you own it to those you've lost to live in a bubble of grief, that's not what they would want for you...

Jeez, sorry to hear all that happened in a short space of time. You must be mentally very strong to have got through it and to be here and happy. I do want to have a happy life and enjoy things again, I certainly don’t think world circumstances are helping my low mood any.  I just need a “break”, and sadly bit the enforced kind like a break from work as I’m climbing the walls already 

[Raidernation]

H_H is right.
As posters know I’ve had my share of loss (and other issues) but I’m still here.
Yeah, I have shitty hours/days but I’m still sober (94 days and counting) and I woke up this morning (and no that’s not leading into a 30’s blues song)
It’s different for everyone, just do you.