Farting in public places

[Zen Archer (Raconteur)]

Was it at her place or yours?

Her's obviously, she cant doesn't get out at all much.

[Ally]

Several years ago I was sitting one of my accountancy exams in the Couper Institute in Cathcart. The exam was in a big echoey hall, the seats were made of solid wood and naturally, there was silence other than the scribbling of pens.

All of the above contributed to the hilarity that occurred when a guy sitting near the middle coughed and explosively farted at the same time. The invigilator tried, and failed to silence the howls of laughter. What was unclear though was whether it was a coincidence or if he was indeed trying to cover his fart with the cough like Peter aGriffin at the parents night.

[KnightswoodBear]

A number of years ago, I had a job in the old Central Hotel in Glasgow (many years before it was done up. It was still a shithole). The job I had was to terminate a 200 pair cable in the frame room in the basement. I was taken down and shown where it was, which was miles away from anything. I got to work, sat cross legged on the floor and started what was a fairly monotonous, time consuming job.

I'd been out for a few beers the night before , and had already dropped a few belters in the van. Being sat with my arse on the floor meant that when I eventually started letting them go in the frame room, the acoustics were pretty awesome. This was accompanied by me adding in a few "Speak up Brown, you're through" and "If you rip it you buy it". And giggling like a wee boy. After a wee while the room was fucking stinking and I needed to get up and stretch my legs.

On opening the door and stepping out, I discovered that 3 cleaners had sat down in the room adjacent to have their lunch. The three of them just stared at me as I hurried past with a massive beamer.

[Gaz FFC]

Who actually gives a f**k? We are all having a good laugh, does it even matter what we are laughing about? Cheer up you miserable sod.

Some people are touchy.

It was meant with me included, hence why I said "us"

[Sergeant Wilson]

A guy I used to work with sat on a pad of scrap paper to protect his seat cover. He'd rip the top few sheets of every hour or so. He had quite a few odd habits and eventually got the bullet for stalking one of the women in the office. Top marks for innovation though.

[Mr Prez]

The word 'fahrt' means 'ride' in German.

nxt time i hear somebody say (ad ride the arse af some burd) i will laugh out loud

This has been a excellent read funny as fek

[WeAreElgin]

In a rare moment of weakness, I bought a burger from a burger van last night which on the surface was pretty good, however this morning it has turned my arse into a stinking squeaking hole of despair. Anyone due to be in my presence is going to suffer.

When I was in primary school one of my pals labelled a certain fart frequency as a jiminy squeaker and this is what's coming out of me today. This is horrendous and hilarious in equal measure. The cleaner fucked off early because of it.

[Zen Archer (Raconteur)]

It says it all about the maturity on this board that so many of us laugh at a good fart story.

Oh look, boobies.

I said boobies (snigger snigger)

[philpy]

I dropped a silent but very toxic one in the foodhall at dobbies today. Right next to the cheese counter.

[Mr Prez]

Dobbies dont tell sarge

NXT to the chesse exsplains its self

[Zen Archer (Raconteur)]

http://www.oldhamathletic.co.uk/team/player-profile/index.aspx?playerid=427638&tcmuri=893694

[Ivo den Bieman]

http://www.oldhamathletic.co.uk/team/player-profile/index.aspx?playerid=427638&tcmuri=893694

[dave258]

Cleared a good ten meter radius of me in ikea today. Couldn't help but chuckle when I thought of this thread, the mrs never saw the funny side though.

[11thHour]

Me and three mates jumped into a taxi down in Newcastle to head back to the hotel to get changed and head back out. We'd had a few drinks and then a chinese after the Newcastle game and the minute the car pulled away my mate let out an absolute ripper that combined with the leather seats made the raspiest fart noise i've ever heard. Cue the taxi driver going absolutely mental and forcefully spitting out his window every 2 minutes, he then got on his radio and started shouting through it in a different language (he was asian). Thought we were gonna end up getting driven to a secluded area for a good doing

Safe to say he paid the taxi.

[EdgarusQPFC]

Some people are touchy.

It was meant with me included, hence why I said "us"

Fair play mate I've read it wrong

[Tommy Nooka]

I try not to fart in public if I can help it and working in an office environment means the pipes need a good bleeding most evenings. Unfortunately my flatulence does appear to be hereditary as I now have an angelic daughter that produces farts on a par with a big rigs air horn, proper resonant bloke farts, despite the fact her mother has farted in front of me a grand total 5/6 times in 8 years.

She also has very little consideration of where she does it and seems to take great pride in both its volume and potency even being able to squeeze one out on command (something I have never quite mastered, far too dangerous). She now seems to have a thing for letting one go on the train without batting an eyelid and you can imagine what it looks like to the other passengers, considering where the sound emanates from it usually limits the potential suspects to me or a cute 4 year old girl and you cant very well turn round and say to her What have I told you about doing that?. Blaming a fart on small girl isnt exactly the most chivalrous thing to do despite the fact it actually was her.

Maybe I shouldnt laugh at them so much at home, it does seem to encourage her.

[Ross.]

The word 'fahrt' means 'ride' in German.

Depends on the context. Usually means "Journey", as in Autofahrt(Car journey), of fahrt gut(Have a good journey/trip). It can also mean "Exit", as in abfahrt.

Either way, everytime I see it on a road sign I point and laugh. Never gets old!

[MacDuffman]

Did one at the tills in Asda a few years ago, took a while to arrive, so said to the other half 'just nipping out for a fag' and left her there. Was not happy when she came out.

Also did one on Friday in the pub, wasn't happy that I lifted my arse off the seat and pointed it at her.

Worse one was last year I cleared the Esplanade Bar in Rothesay. Been drinking Guinness all day, Staff were spraying me down with Air freshener. Mate still goes on about it.

[Cardinal Richelieu]

I believe the term for farting in the office while a fit bird approaches is called "Blunderguff". I've only done it once, and the shame still lives with me.

And while it wasn't in public, my most memorable fart was several years ago. I was seeing this burd and finally managed to get her into the sack. We'd been drinking quite a lot of beer, so by the following morning, I felt like I was going to explode. No way could I let it out in front of her, so I made my excuses and walked downstairs to the kitchen - the furthest point away from the bedroom. And there I let rip... without any exaggeration it went on for about a minute and a half, and was accompanied by various moans of pleasure and relief.

Of course, no sooner had I finished, I turned round to go back up the stairs and she's standing right there staring at me like I'm so sort of weirdo. And strangely enough, the relationship fizzled out just as quickly as my epic fart.

Still, no regrets.

[EdgarusQPFC]

I believe the term for farting in the office while a fit bird approaches is called "Blunderguff". I've only done it once, and the shame still lives with me.

And while it wasn't in public, my most memorable fart was several years ago. I was seeing this burd and finally managed to get her into the sack. We'd been drinking quite a lot of beer, so by the following morning, I felt like I was going to explode. No way could I let it out in front of her, so I made my excuses and walked downstairs to the kitchen - the furthest point away from the bedroom. And there I let rip... without any exaggeration it went on for about a minute and a half, and was accompanied by various moans of pleasure and relief.

Of course, no sooner had I finished, I turned round to go back up the stairs and she's standing right there staring at me like I'm so sort of weirdo. And strangely enough, the relationship fizzled out just as quickly as my epic fart.

Still, no regrets.

In the kitchen? Manky b*****d