Confidemus Posted December 14, 2013 Share Posted December 14, 2013 Remember a time a few years back, in my late teens, me and a couple of lads were in a local chinese takeaway, which we planned to take, along with a cargo, up to one of my mates' houses. His parents were away on holiday, so the promise of an "empty" was palpably exciting. My mate, who I'll call Stephen (because that's his name) let rip a fart of considerable length, depth and vibrancy. A couple of older women were sitting down waiting for their order and one of them just happened to be a friend of Stephen's mums. In a completely jokey, gentle, faux-scolding way she said "Ooh, just because his Mum's away on holiday he thinks he can fart in public", followed by gentle laughter. Stephen, who when questioned later, and to this day states that he meant to say this quietly and out of her earshot, said "I think you'll find I can fart wherever I want, you fat c**t".... This, combined with the fart itsself meant that me and the other boy had to leave the shop and ended up on the pavement outside, laughing so hard we almost vomited.. Good times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
11thHour Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 Forgot about this one. Dropped a belter in my last workplace at my desk and it was that bad I had to get up and get out of there. When I had came back from the kitchen in what I thought was a decent amount of time for it to dissipate all the guys in my section were standing in the walkway talking about how stinking it was. I went bright red and just started laughing as I sat back down at my seat proud of myself that I could clear a section of 6 guys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugster Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 Proud to say I did the longest fart I've ever done on Saturday night, honestly must have been 10 seconds. At least three pitch changes also. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Edwards Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 I accidentally farted on a waitress in an Indian restaurant in Glasgow. The name of the restaurant escapes me. She didn't seem to noticed tbh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HTG Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 I must stop reading this on the train. It's not fair when everyone else has that "utter shite day" look and I'm in tears trying to restrain a guffaw. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tamdunk Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 Was playing a gig in Perth recently and our singer farted onstage, it was an absolute howler. You could see the realisation on the rest of our faces as the smell began to waft. It was so bad that we fucked up part of the tune. The boy on the cajon's face was about arse height as well and he ended up with his jumper covering his nose. Our singer took great joy in our reaction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JamboMikey Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 Was sitting in a packed computer lab at Stirling Uni earlier this year. Bent over to get something out my bag and the pressure + plus my bum being off the chair caused an unexpected, hugely loud fart. Sat back up pretending nothing had happened before promptly leaving the room with my head bowed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTJohnboy Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 Here's someone who might have a problem farting in a public place. http://www.edinburghnews.scotsman.com/news/crime/killer-nat-fraser-hid-mobile-phone-in-buttocks-1-3236356 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Confidemus Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 Was sitting in a packed computer lab at Stirling Uni earlier this year. Bent over to get something out my bag and the pressure + plus my bum being off the chair caused an unexpected, hugely loud fart. Sat back up pretending nothing had happened before promptly leaving the room with my head bowed. Stilring has a University? Mind. Blown. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamaldo Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 Stilring has a University? Mind. Blown. The main point of the story being, JamboMikey's wasn't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gorilla Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 Appropriate. http://youtu.be/opDxX2TuXOs Thank you, now my night has been improved, not listened to his stuff for a while. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mizfit Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 Evacuated the living room tonight :thumbsup I didn't even want to sit in it, I was just passing through and dropped an a-bomb. My Christmas present will probably be getting returned tomorrow as well :lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mizfit Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 Cleared a small area (2 mums with kids) in Debenhams earlier. Happy with that. Challenge accepted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superwellfan Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 Anyone ever get what can only be described as intestinal farts? Ones that come from within and never reach the outside world unlike your standard expulsions from the anus? They are completely merciless. They cannot be stopped or slowed down. They cannot be bargained with. They cannot be reasoned with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BFTD Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 Some of you boys must have boabies like Popeye's arm if your wimmen are still around...sakes! Worked as IT Support in a furniture shop about ten years ago. I'd been in the front office one morning, IT-ing about as usual, when the need to drop a fartlet became apparent. Not wanting to punish the office staff unnecessarily, I casually sauntered toward the storage room, but couldn't get past the front office door without letting a small, silent toot escape. Unfortunately, the manageress was heading into the office as I was leaving. I heard, "does anyone else smell that?" as I scarpered down the corridor, followed by, "something's burning! Everyone, check the power strips!" A minute later, the office staff are marching past me to the emergency exit because the boss has declared that the building's on fire. Tad obsessed with health and safety, that one. Nobody else had smelled anything, so we managed to avoid the fire brigade being called out by persuading her that one of the delivery drivers must have had a fag before coming back in to the shop. I think they got a row for smoking in or around the premises, but I doubt she'd have believed me if I'd confessed. Farts of fire, eh? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BFTD Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 Anyone else farted loudly in a shop or anywhere else outside the house. I have a few times worst was in a british heart foundation store in stirling. Let one rip loudly. only for an old lady to tut at me. pity she left as i left a rather nasty eggy smell in the place. needless to say i made a hasty retreat. So it was YOU, ya filthy b*****d! I think you'll find that the smell still lingers in the middle of the shop Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BFTD Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 I think you need to see a doctor for those burnt material and fag-smoke combo farts you claim to have. I had the 'pleasure' of viewing the inside of my colon a while back, so no problems there. She was the type that always looked like she'd smelled something bad anyway. I know where she works now, so I could ask her colleagues if she ever hits the fire alarm after heavy lunches at the local Indian. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marty the bullwee man Posted December 18, 2013 Author Share Posted December 18, 2013 So it was YOU, ya filthy b*****d! I think you'll find that the smell still lingers in the middle of the shop Quite proud of that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnightswoodBear Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 I was left to my own devices for dinner last night and made toast, cheese and beans. I'm sitting in the office today with my arsehole glowing like a car cigarette lighter and shrouded in a noxious, eggy fug. It's glorious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Ginger Prince Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 Woke the missus up this morning with a Dutch oven one that I let rip for 6 seconds, trapped for 5 seconds then ripped the covers over her face. Cue gagging, watery eyes and a punch in the stomach. Worth it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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