Hedgecutter Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 Reading this on a bus with just three other folk on and I can smell fart. Still working out whether one's a clatty b*****d or if my mind is playing tricks on me. (Cue the "I'm on a bus and some poor f***er in front of me is having to breath in my SBD" type reply) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnightswoodBear Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 On 29/11/2013 at 06:42, stumigoo said: You can always do one on an escalator, safe in the knowledge that it may linger enough for everyone to go up through the cloud of pump as they too travel up the escalator. I realise this is a 3 year old post, but I've just decided that if I ever form a band, I'm calling them Cloud of Pump. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mungo Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 Just home from being on the bus in Dundee tonight. There were some funky smells and I was reading this thread and chuckling to myself. Some of the passengers were covering there faces the smell was so bad . The conductor came up and opened the windows and one passenger shouted out " somebody needs their nappy changed" . Anyway , as passengers gradually began to leave the bus , the smell died down . I thought the phantom pumper had gone as the horrible stench was now more of a whiff than a poisonous pong. Later a woman and her daughter got on the bus , they were sitting opposite me , and I could hear the woman muttering to her daughter (who was about 5) that there was a smell of dog shit - they began checking each others shoes. Suddenly it dawned on them and everyone else on the bus as the little girl shouted out " theres shite on your chair mum!" The woman began to wretch and all the other passengers looked on in horror. There was horrible watery diarrhoea all over the chair , floor and now all over the poor womans clothes . Some poor sod had earlier shat themselves at some point in the journey and she was now sitting in it. This was undoubtedly the worst bus journey I have ever had! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheCelt67 Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 I've just recently had a scope on my bowel and unbeknown to me until the morning of the procedure is that they inflate your bowel with air in order for the camera to enter a place that used to be a one way street. Scope is carried out and I'm wheeled in to a ward to wait out the effects of the sedation. Young nurse approaches me just in time to hear the sound of what I can only describe as placing a microphone next to a deflating bike tyre. In a bit of a panic I start moving around the bed like a seal having a seizure in hope that I'll drown out the sound of the airiest fart ever. Thinking I've gotten away with it until just before she leaves she tells me not to worry as the air will just leave naturally. Another was when in the Ark pub, standing at the bar I farted only to realise I had dropped on right on this goth type lad. Being the mature gent I am, I turn to my pal to tell him what's just happened only I must have said it louder than I thought as I then heard the lad in question inform his pals that he thinks "that guy just said he farted on me" which was followed by three dirty looks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthernJambo Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 Just home from being on the bus in Dundee tonight. There were some funky smells and I was reading this thread and chuckling to myself. Some of the passengers were covering there faces the smell was so bad . The conductor came up and opened the windows and one passenger shouted out " somebody needs their nappy changed" . Anyway , as passengers gradually began to leave the bus , the smell died down . I thought the phantom pumper had gone as the horrible stench was now more of a whiff than a poisonous pong. Later a woman and her daughter got on the bus , they were sitting opposite me , and I could hear the woman muttering to her daughter (who was about 5) that there was a smell of dog shit - they began checking each others shoes. Suddenly it dawned on them and everyone else on the bus as the little girl shouted out " theres shite on your chair mum!" The woman began to wretch and all the other passengers looked on in horror. There was horrible watery diarrhoea all over the chair , floor and now all over the poor womans clothes . Some poor sod had earlier shat themselves at some point in the journey and she was now sitting in it. This was undoubtedly the worst bus journey I have ever had! Worst journey you've had?! There was a woman sitting in someone else's shite FFS! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hillonearth Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 Earlier this year I stepped out of an Indian on Dumbarton Road post-curry with the start of a struggle going on in my lower intestine...I reckon the fart had the weight advantage. Looked both ways, saw nobody coming, so I let rip with a full on lifting-one-leg number. Never noticed the guy in the next doorway standing having a fag who I'd unintentionally aimed it at. He never cracked a light, just looked me up and down and asked me if I'd just stepped on a duck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mungo Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 3 minutes ago, NorthernJambo said: Worst journey you've had?! There was a woman sitting in someone else's shite FFS! God knows how she feels! I came home and almost boked thinking about it , Ended up in the shower as I convinced myself that the horrible stench had followed me home. The weird thing was the the conductor came and inspected it , but didnt even bat an eyelid or say a word. He just sorted of nodded at the keich and mentally acknowledged that the source of the pong had been discovered. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony Ferrino Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 16 minutes ago, mungo said: Just home from being on the bus in Dundee tonight. There were some funky smells and I was reading this thread and chuckling to myself. Some of the passengers were covering there faces the smell was so bad . The conductor came up and opened the windows and one passenger shouted out " somebody needs their nappy changed" . Anyway , as passengers gradually began to leave the bus , the smell died down . I thought the phantom pumper had gone as the horrible stench was now more of a whiff than a poisonous pong. Later a woman and her daughter got on the bus , they were sitting opposite me , and I could hear the woman muttering to her daughter (who was about 5) that there was a smell of dog shit - they began checking each others shoes. Suddenly it dawned on them and everyone else on the bus as the little girl shouted out " theres shite on your chair mum!" The woman began to wretch and all the other passengers looked on in horror. There was horrible watery diarrhoea all over the chair , floor and now all over the poor womans clothes . Some poor sod had earlier shat themselves at some point in the journey and she was now sitting in it. This was undoubtedly the worst bus journey I have ever had! Aye, but everyone must have laughed when the 5 year old shouted "shite" though? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Venti Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 Layed down an absolute cracker earlier on the bus. One of those 'pre-diarrhoea' ones where it's clear your bowels are fucked. Tokyo subway/Auschwitz material. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnightswoodBear Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 On 07/12/2013 at 22:35, Dee Dee said: Maccy D's in Chatham After a heavy nights drinking we, five of us decided, to rid ourselves of our hangovers by having some junk food and then having a couple of pints on a lovely hot, but not sticky, summers day in the South East of England, Kent to be exact. On arrival to McDonalds we realised the place was packed, but being the recipients of the finest training in the world we quickly secured a place to enjoy our , much needed, Maccy D's. We were sharing a two table booth affair with a young boy and his grandparents, who were also tucking into their McDs with great enthusiasm, I dont think they had been out the night before as I hadn't seen them, but I digress and it's irrelevant. My friend Cammy was a strange fellow, in my opinion, due to his preference to mayo instead of ketchup on his cheeseburgers. Hence, he was always last to get his fatties. This would be his undoing on this occasion. Heh heh heh. The hungry weary quartet, myself included, had almost finished the refueling process as Cammy, eventually, made his way through the hungry throngs and approached the booth where we were sat. Unbeknown to him evil forces were at work. Tummy Tetris, various shapes of trapped wind slotting in to place in Dee Dees gut, was in full swing due to last night booze. PERFECTION! Just as Cammy sat down I stealthily cocked my leg and gave a wee push, didn't want push too hard and follow through. In all fairness I was expecting a one cheeker at most. Definitely not, what can only be described as a hippo roaring through a traffic cone, but a bit more bass about it, that was let loose. SCENES! I swear I had just unleashed the mother of all bakewell tarts, in that, time seemed to stop still for a split second. Not before I blurted out a "CAMMY, Theres folk eating eh". Not too quick as to arouse suspicion and with enough conviction as to leave no doubt it was he and not I that unleashed such a unearthly sound. I had, not wanting to toot my own horn here, played a blinder. The young lad had now curled up on the the hard plastic bench in fits of laughter, as had I and the other three lads. The rest of the restaurant was now a mixture of reactions some laughter, some disapproving looks and I even, through the fits I was going through, heard some guy comment " OK now that's working, lets try the lights". Grandfather was less than impressed, he must of felt it reverberating through the hard plastic seating and he now sure as f**k smelt the toxic mixture of last nights booze and kebab combo wafting through air, and with his wife, literally carried his tear stained and heavily guffawing grandson out of the restaurant, to the sounds of Cammys loud protestations of innocence "It wasnae me. It wasnae me". I've given Dee Dee a posthumous greenie for this magnificent effort. I think you all should. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
throbber Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 Done Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 I was just going in the back door, so decided to let a really big loud one out before going in. Did it and wisely waited for it to disperse a bit and not follow me in. Not so wise was not glancing to the side until too late and spotting my neighbour kneeling down doing a bit of weeding. Very awkward exchange of glances followed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mizfit Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 2 Weeks ago, Lying in my hotel bed hungover after watching us get a hiding from England. My pal is lying in his bed moaning about his head, stomach etc. I pull myself out of my bed to get the water, Start talking before letting out a loud rasper that lasted for about 20 seconds, we look at each other and start laughing at it, suddenly i released a proper disgusting silent one, Suddenly he bellows "GET THAT FUCKIN WINDOW OPEN NOW" Before running off to the toilet retching. I was so proud. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twinkle Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 Just home from being on the bus in Dundee tonight. There were some funky smells and I was reading this thread and chuckling to myself. Some of the passengers were covering there faces the smell was so bad . The conductor came up and opened the windows and one passenger shouted out " somebody needs their nappy changed" . Anyway , as passengers gradually began to leave the bus , the smell died down . I thought the phantom pumper had gone as the horrible stench was now more of a whiff than a poisonous pong. Later a woman and her daughter got on the bus , they were sitting opposite me , and I could hear the woman muttering to her daughter (who was about 5) that there was a smell of dog shit - they began checking each others shoes. Suddenly it dawned on them and everyone else on the bus as the little girl shouted out " theres shite on your chair mum!" The woman began to wretch and all the other passengers looked on in horror. There was horrible watery diarrhoea all over the chair , floor and now all over the poor womans clothes . Some poor sod had earlier shat themselves at some point in the journey and she was now sitting in it. This was undoubtedly the worst bus journey I have ever had! Post of the year[emoji38] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted November 25, 2016 Share Posted November 25, 2016 I remember a few years ago reading about this chav in Aberdeen. The police came to his house to arrest him and he had the cheek to put in an official complaint because one of the cops farted in his living room and didn't apologise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted November 25, 2016 Share Posted November 25, 2016 I've given Dee Dee a posthumous greenie for this magnificent effort. I think you all should. Rip. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedRob72 Posted November 25, 2016 Share Posted November 25, 2016 I often go back for a look at this thread when I need a good giggle. Never loses its level of funniness. My particular favourite post was somebody describing their fart as sounding like "A hippo roaring through a traffic cone" [emoji23] Hahahaha, that's f*ckin tremendous!! [emoji23][emoji23] ETA, just read back up the thread, having not coming across it before, haven't laughed to myself so much in ages![emoji23] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BFTD Posted November 28, 2016 Share Posted November 28, 2016 On 25/11/2016 at 14:06, GordonD said: I remember a few years ago reading about this chav in Aberdeen. The police came to his house to arrest him and he had the cheek to put in an official complaint because one of the cops farted in his living room and didn't apologise. Wasn't there a story in the press a year or two back about someone who was up for assault for farting at a police officer? Anyway, when I was at work on Friday, an elderly woman came into the shop doing the old incontinent lady walk - every time she took a step, there was a wee quack from her nether regions. Didn't take long before the shop reeked, and I think she realised, as she didn't hang around long. The next couple in had a look around, before the wife asked her man if he could smell something...then they both turned round and shot me a disgusted look, the only other person left in the shop Not sure how you recover from that. I'm guessing that babbling about a conveniently-absent auld fart factory wouldn't have helped matters any. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted November 28, 2016 Share Posted November 28, 2016 Reminds me of the scene in '10' (the Dudley Moore/Bo Derek thing) where the elderly housekeeper farts as she bends over and the dog runs out of the room because it knows it's going to get the blame. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newbornbairn Posted November 28, 2016 Share Posted November 28, 2016 What is it about fart stories that gets me convulsing in fits of giggles like a five year old? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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