The joke thread: a thread for camaraderie and hilarity

[GordonD]

Just now, The Mantis said:

Or the world's first ice cream van. Walls of Jericho 

Lyons of Judah.

[johnnydun]

In Israel, its a pretty bad place to work. The government take most of your wages. Even Jesus was hammered with tax!

[HenryHill]

A lot of people moan about tinnitus but I get a real buzz out of it.

[The Minertaur]

A blonde weegie walks into a dry cleaners and places a dress on the counter.

"A'll be back the morra fir that if that's alright like? 

The dry cleaner was clearly confused - "come again?" he asked

"Nah this time it's just mayonnaise"

 

[jagfox]

I was down a pub in Broughty Ferry last night and started chatting up this gypsy girl when she asked if I wanted to go back to her's for a good time...

Feck Me, she wasn't kidding either...

I ended up on the waltzers, dodgems, ghost house and even came home with a feckin goldfish...

[JoseMarooniho]

Him: I've been reading the karma sutra. I wouldn't mind trying the wheelbarrow.
Her: Aye okay just don't go past my mother's!

[johnnydun]

Why do elephants have big ears? 

Spoiler

Because Noddy wont pay the ransom.

 

[The Mantis]

For anyone travelling to Jamaica... Just to let you know, a steak & kidney pie is £1.95, a chicken pie is £1.70 & an apple pie is £2.05.

Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

[WeAreElgin]

I was upset to hear that my old cross-eyed teacher had been sacked the other day

Apparently he'd lost control of his pupils

[GordonD]

Woman gets on a crowded bus and says to a man, "Would you let me have your seat, please? I'm pregnant."

He stands up and lets her sit down, but doesn't see much of a bump, so he asks. "How long have you been pregnant?"

The woman replies, "About ten minutes, but my legs are still trembling!"

[buchan30]

Got pulled over by a woman police officer. I asked her what's wrong,she screamed "NOTHING" Then stormed off

[The DA]

Why do Swedish ships have a barcode on the side?

 

So that when they return to port, they can scan de navy in.

[The Minertaur]

What noise did the nut make as it sneezed?

Ca-shew!

[Cerberus]

Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans.

[LincolnHearts]

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size.

So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine, and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

[GordonD]

Jeremy Hunt was doing an annual visit to a NHS hospital. As always he was looking for something to beat the NHS with to show how badly run and loss making things were.
While Hunt was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the middle of the roll ?"
"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll. We recycle whenever possible"
"Oh," replied Hunt,, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. “What about all these coloured casts you dispense. Isn't it rather a waste of money?"
"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realizing that Hunt was trying to trap him. "We ask that any patient wishing a coloured cast donates £1 which is far in excess of the 10p the colouring actually costs."
Hunt asked a dozen or more questions with similar results. he was determined to fluster the know-it-all executive. 
"Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to government, and about once a year, at this time, they send us a complete p***k."

[Cerberus]

A guy started his first day as a Glasgow bus driver.

The trainer asks him "What would you do if there's a fight on the bus?" The guy replies "I would call the police".
The trainer asked him next "What would you do if someone collapses on the bus?" The guy replies "I would call an ambulance".
Finally the trainer asks him "What would you do if you can't get the fare?" Guy replies "The first 2 weeks in August will do".

 

[philpy]

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs???


Stephen hawking after a house fire.

[Sweaty Morph]

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs???


Stephen hawking after a house fire.

What's the shortest album in the world?

Stephen Hawking Unplugged.

[jagfox]

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."

The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"

The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."

The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job." The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is." The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long." The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify." The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!" The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side." The foreman does this and says "Ready!" The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long." The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."

The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!" The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side." The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!" The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a shit house door off a trawler." He got the job.