Fide Posted August 4, 2017 Share Posted August 4, 2017 Roses are red Violets are blue I'm schizophrenic And so am I. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fide Posted August 5, 2017 Share Posted August 5, 2017 What's got eight legs, 3 heads and a pair of wings? A man on a horse holding a budgie. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerberus Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?". 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTJohnboy Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 Mick's having a Guinness in a downtown Dublin pub when his mobile phone rings. "It's yersel', Paddy" he exclaims, "How the f**k did you know I was in here?" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tamthebam Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 I spotted this on a poster: Where does Kylie Minogue get her kebabs from? Jason's Doner Van.... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buchan30 Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 My son fell asleep at a recent house party we had, so for a laugh, i shaved off his eyebrows and drew a cock on his face, my wife went mental when she looked in his cot 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 Rose's are red Violet's are blue Anna doesn't wear panties (Do you really think I'd misuse apostrophes?) 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fide Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 Roses are red Violets are blue I'm dyslexic Pies chips and beans 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HenryHill Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 The boxer looked like a grouse as he entered the ring. He really did have his game face on 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydun Posted August 8, 2017 Share Posted August 8, 2017 I went into specsavers the other day and you will never guess who I bumped into... Spoiler Everyone. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philpy Posted August 8, 2017 Share Posted August 8, 2017 Paddy walks into the fruit and veg shop."Can I get a pound of bananas"It's kilos these days, says the shop guy"Ok then, I'll have a pound of kilos then" says paddy. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fide Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 Guy goes into the doctors complaining of a blinding headache. The Doctor says "Can I ask, do you masturbate?" The lad says "Yes, I do, why?" Doctor says "It's fucking magic, innit?" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fide Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 On that theme.. Wee boy goes into the bathroom, where his mum's having a bath. "What's that mummy?" he says, pointing between her legs. "Oh, that's where I got hit with an axe, son" says the mum" The boy replies "Oooh, right in the c**t". 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTJohnboy Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 The jokes on here are getting worse.... Anyway.... This wee Glesca wummin in the Central Station is battering the living daylights out of one of her weans. A German tourist approaches her and says : "In Germany we would not chastise our children like that". "Aw is that right" says the wummin, "Well see in Partick, we don't gas the Jews" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
D'Jaffo Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 Paddy gets on his flight to go on holiday and finds himself sitting next to a Muslim gentleman.Half an hour into the flight and the stewardess comes round asking the passengers if they would like a drink.Paddy asks the stewardess for a whiskey.The stewardess turns to the Muslim and asks if he wants a drink.He turns his head in disgust and replies "I'd rather be raped by a thousand whores than let liquor touch my lips"Paddy hands his drink back and says "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shandon Par Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fide Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 Polar bear walks into a pub and says "Can I have a pint of lager and, eh.............................................. a packet of peanuts?" Barman says "Why the long pause?" Polar bear says "So I don't slip on the ice". 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fide Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 It's old Arthur's 100th birthday and he's sitting at home when the doorbell goes. It's the postman and he tells Arthur he's got a telegram for him. "Will you sing it to me please son?" "I don't think I should" "Aw go on son, I've been waiting for this for years, just sing it to me" "I'd rather not, I think you should just read it yourself" "Please son, make an old man happy and sing the telegram to me" "OK then (deep breath) 1, 2... 1, 2, 3, 4 Ooooooh - Jimmy and the kids are dead la la, Jimmy and the kids are dead" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 Guy at the doctor's. The doctor tells him, "Mr.Wilson, you really should stop masturbating." "Why?" the guy asks. The doctor says, "Because I'm trying to examine you!" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 Lionel Ritchie walks into his local butcher.The butcher spots him and asks,'Hello, is it meat you're looking for?' 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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