ICTJohnboy Posted September 9, 2017 Share Posted September 9, 2017 A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. "Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened". Yeah it did, he said. "I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend." The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ? " The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !" "What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buchan30 Posted September 9, 2017 Share Posted September 9, 2017 What do you call a man with no arms and no legs that can play the piano?Clever dick 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerberus Posted September 9, 2017 Share Posted September 9, 2017 What do you call an American bee? A USB. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whiskychimp Posted September 9, 2017 Share Posted September 9, 2017 55 minutes ago, Cerberus said: What do you call an American bee? A USB. I greenied that. Only because I'm on my 3rd bottle of rough wine 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
D'Jaffo Posted September 9, 2017 Share Posted September 9, 2017 Paddy's wife goes to the doctor, she explains that after 16 years of marriage to Paddy she's still never had an orgasm. The Doctor tells her to go home and by a fan this will keep them cool while having sex and may help her to orgasm.Paddy's wife explains to Paddy what the Doctor had told her, Paddy says he will try this method but he his too tight to go buy a fan so decides to get Mick his best friend to wave a towel over the bed while they love.That night Paddy and his wife make love for two hours but still no orgasm, Paddy's wife suggests that Paddy and Mick swap roles to see if that might help.Paddy picks up towel and Mick makes love to paddy's wife and after two minutes Paddy's wife as the most mind blowing orgasm. Paddy turns to Mick and says, "Now my son thats how you waft a fucking towel" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted September 10, 2017 Share Posted September 10, 2017 10 hours ago, whiskychimp said: I greenied that. Only because I'm on my 3rd bottle of rough wine You can use the word 'Buckfast'. We've heard of it over in the East. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTJohnboy Posted September 10, 2017 Share Posted September 10, 2017 So this weegie wifie, who lives on the 4th floor of a tenament block gets a knock on her door one night. The caller is a distraught neighbour from across the landing, who tells her, that she has been having an affair with this guy, who had called round to see her, and now has dropped dead on her (literally) "What am I going to do, what am I going to do?" she wails. Ach nae bother, hen, says the wifie - just pit a chamois in his haund and drap him oot the windae. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trainspotter Posted September 10, 2017 Share Posted September 10, 2017 A man walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm. The barman wanders over and says 'Get out of here with that, it's too dangerous to bring into a pub'. The man says 'It's not dangerous, watch and I'll show you'. He puts the crocodile on a bar stool, unzips his trousers, opens the crocodile's mouth and puts his dick in. He then pulls out a piece of wood from his back pocket and whacks the crocodile on the back of the head with it. The crocodile flinches but doesn't shut its mouth. The barman still isn't convinced and says 'I still think it's dangerous, it didn't bite you, but what about the rest of my customers?' The man turns round to the rest of the pub and announces 'Would anybody else in the pub like to try. £100 to the first volunteer'. A little old lady stands up and says 'I'll have a go but don't hit me as hard as you just hit the crocodile'. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Lambies Doos Posted September 11, 2017 Share Posted September 11, 2017 Paddy has secured a job as a labourer on a Glasgow building site. On his first day he receives the mandatory Health and Safety induction and is dispatched to the goods area to pick up his safety equipment. First up is the steel toe capped boots. The problem is he can't get them on as he's unaware which foot is for which shoe. He decides to ask the supervisor who shows him the L on one boot and the R on the other; ah thanks says Paddy. He is then given his hard hat but again having trouble he seeks the supervisors advice. The super shows him the F and B and explains that they stand for front and back, thats easy says Paddy, cheers. On his way out the storeroom his face suddenly lights up as he turns to the supervisor and says. ' Thanks mate, all these years and now I finally know why my wife's knickers say C&A on them.. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted September 11, 2017 Share Posted September 11, 2017 Why do anarchists drink earl grey because proper tea is theft 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted September 11, 2017 Share Posted September 11, 2017 The Swedish Navy have started puting barcodes on all there ships so that when they return to port they can just Scandinavian 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerberus Posted September 11, 2017 Share Posted September 11, 2017 What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bold Rover Posted September 11, 2017 Share Posted September 11, 2017 55 minutes ago, kennysmassiveego said: Why do anarchists drink earl grey because proper tea is theft Does lichtie23 have any comment? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Granny Danger Posted September 11, 2017 Share Posted September 11, 2017 Huge amount of Irish racism on this thread BTW. Anyway, a Scotsman called Paddy goes for a job in Canada as a lumberjack. The manager explains to him that it's on a self-employed basis and he has to buy his own chain saw and cut down 50 trees a day before he starts earning. So on Monday he cuts down 10, 20 on Tuesday, 30 on Wednesday, by Thursday he's got up to 40 and on Friday, despite a tremendous effort, he still only manages 49. He goes back to the manager and admits defeat and asks him if he'll buy the chainsaw back. "Sure", says the manager, "but I'll have to check it first". He pulls the cord and it starts up no bother. "Wait, what's that buzzing noise?" asks Paddy. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerberus Posted September 11, 2017 Share Posted September 11, 2017 ^^^ Reported for racism. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted September 11, 2017 Share Posted September 11, 2017 1 hour ago, Melanius Mullarkey said: Are you saying Earl Grey is not proper tea? Define property 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony Ferrino Posted September 11, 2017 Share Posted September 11, 2017 Never insult an Italian baker. He'll kick the focaccia. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted September 11, 2017 Share Posted September 11, 2017 After being sacked from the lumberjack job, Paddy gets a job painting white lines up the middle of the road. On the first day he manages three miles, which the foreman says is okay for a beginner. On the second day he only does two miles, and the foreman says he'll have to pull his socks up. But on the third day he does only half a mile and the foreman says he'll have to let Paddy go. "But why did you do so well to start with but fell away so badly?" he asked. Paddy said, "Well, by the third day the paint bucket was so bloody far away!" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
19QOS19 Posted September 11, 2017 Share Posted September 11, 2017 Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman sitting at the top of a skyscraper they're working on, complaining about their lunch. Englishman: I'm fed up of always getting a ham sandwich. If I get that once more I'm jumping off this building. The same goes for the Scotsman's chicken sandwich and the Irishman's cheese sandwich. The next day at lunchtime the 3 guys open up their boxes and have the same boring filling so all stick to their word. They leave their suicide notes and leap off the building. At the funeral the Englishman and Scotsman's wives are embracing each other devastated. One says to the other she can't believe they have done this and had they just asked them they'd have put a different filling in the sandwich. The Irishman's wife is standing alone with her arms crossed looking annoyed. The two woman approach her and ask why she isn't upset to which she responds: the silly b*****d made his own sandwiches. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted September 11, 2017 Share Posted September 11, 2017 29 minutes ago, 19QOS19 said: Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman sitting at the top of a skyscraper they're working on, complaining about their lunch. Englishman: I'm fed up of always getting a ham sandwich. If I get that once more I'm jumping off this building. The same goes for the Scotsman's chicken sandwich and the Irishman's cheese sandwich. The next day at lunchtime the 3 guys open up their boxes and have the same boring filling so all stick to their word. They leave their suicide notes and leap off the building. At the funeral the Englishman and Scotsman's wives are embracing each other devastated. One says to the other she can't believe they have done this and had they just asked them they'd have put a different filling in the sandwich. The Irishman's wife is standing alone with her arms crossed looking annoyed. The two woman approach her and ask why she isn't upset to which she responds: the silly b*****d made his own sandwiches. Hate to spoil a joke but wouldn't they just swap? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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