Tony Ferrino Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 How to f**k up a poor joke.... Have you ever had a chicken Tarka? It's like a Tikka but a little Otter. FFS. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Lambies Doos Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 How to f**k up a poor joke.... Have you ever had a chicken Tarka? It's like a Tikka but a little Otter. FFS. Don't get it 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
supermik Posted August 27, 2017 Share Posted August 27, 2017 (edited) Not been on here for a few days to get the usual dogs abuse, been busy. I got a metal detector last week. Took it into my back garden and straight away it started buzzing like feck. Started digging and it kept buzzing constantly. Got down 15 meters and it was still buzzing. It stopped buzzing when I took my steel toe capped boots off.... Edited August 27, 2017 by supermik 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philpy Posted August 27, 2017 Share Posted August 27, 2017 I went for lunch with a taxidermist the other day. By the time I'd finished I was stuffed. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LincolnHearts Posted August 27, 2017 Share Posted August 27, 2017 -2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted August 27, 2017 Share Posted August 27, 2017 Every night an old guy goes into the pub and orders two whiskies. He drinks one, then raises the other in a silent toast, drinks it, then leaves. This goes on for about a week until the barman asks him what it's all about. "Well," the old boy explains, "I used to come in here with my old pal Harry, but he emigrated to New Zealand last month. Before he went we promised each other that I would still come in, have my own drink and then one for him, and he would do the same to me in his new local down under." "Aw, that's nice," says the barman. A couple of weeks go by and the old guy still carries out the same routine, until one night he comes in and orders just the one whisky. As the barman serves it, he asks, "I don't want to poke my nose in but - just the one drink? Has something happened to Harry?" "Oh no," says the old boy. "Harry's fine. This is his drink - but the doctor has told me to stop drinking for my health!" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted August 27, 2017 Share Posted August 27, 2017 I went to a fetishist restaurant last night . I got toed in the hole... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted August 27, 2017 Share Posted August 27, 2017 Guy to his girlfriend: "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" Reply: "No, but I was once dragged along by the tits." 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Lambies Doos Posted August 28, 2017 Share Posted August 28, 2017 Guy looking for a job sees an advert in paper for medical assistant based in Glasgow. Although he has no medical experience he decides to call anyway. Being an honest chap he comes clean at start but conveys his loyalty, keenness and general willingness to learn. The lady on the other end of the phone listens carefully and decides to give the fella the benefit of the doubt. She explains that the role is work within their plastic surgery division. She then goes onto detail the responsibilities, namely prepping ladies for breast enhancements. With sweat dripping down his forehead he excitedly asks for more details. He's told that the individual is required to rub oils into naked ladies breasts and generally keep them relaxed pre op. Lady on the phone asks him if that's something he would be interested in.. Trying to stay calm but stuttering perfusly he says yesss. On receipt of this answer the lady replys 'excellent, can you be in Aberdeen 9am on Monday?' He replys 'of course, but I thought you said the job was in Glasgow' Yes it is, but that's where the queue starts.. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stimpy Posted August 28, 2017 Share Posted August 28, 2017 Girlfriend asked if she was pigeon breasted, I said aye, that's why I love you like ah doo. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted August 28, 2017 Share Posted August 28, 2017 Two chaps in the pub one says " do you know that lions have sex 10 times a day " 'the other says " fu*k it I've just joined the rotary " 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted August 28, 2017 Share Posted August 28, 2017 Sean Comnery has found his niche She was in the garden with his nephew 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted August 28, 2017 Share Posted August 28, 2017 Turns out Sean Connery's pet tortoise was incontinent. It pished its shell... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Albino Rover Posted August 28, 2017 Share Posted August 28, 2017 On 30/07/2017 at 00:45, welshbairn said: A man in a cinema notices what looks like a snail sitting next to him. "Are you a snail?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The snail replied, "Well, I liked the book." There's also the one about two goats on a farm chewing up a film reel. One goat says to the other goat: "I preferred the book myself." 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Lambies Doos Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 3 strips of black road ninjas are enjoying a pint at the bar when a piece of red road swaggers in. On seeing him the black roads head immediately for the exit. What's the hurry asks the barman? One piece of black road replys. 'Mate we may be hard, but that c***s a cyclepath' 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fide Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 7 hours ago, John Lambies Doos said: 3 strips of black road ninjas are enjoying a pint at the bar when a piece of red road swaggers in. On seeing him the black roads head immediately for the exit. What's the hurry asks the barman? One piece of black road replys. 'Mate we may be hard, but that c***s a cyclepath' Guy walks into a pub and the fruit machine starts swearing at him and telling him he looks like shite. A small dish of peanuts on the bar then starts commenting on how nice the guy's hair is and how well he's dressed. "The f**k's going on here?" he asks the barman. "Oh, the fruit machine is out of order and the peanuts are complimentary". 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LincolnHearts Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 Odds on that anyone who was there back in 2011 will have forgotten all about it. -2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 Happy Purple Dildo Day folks 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 13 hours ago, John Lambies Doos said: 3 strips of black road ninjas are enjoying a pint at the bar when a piece of red road swaggers in. On seeing him the black roads head immediately for the exit. What's the hurry asks the barman? One piece of black road replys. 'Mate we may be hard, but that c***s a cyclepath' Two Maltesers sitting in a pub when in walks a Dolly Mixture and two Tunes. One Malteser whispers to his mate, "Keep your head down and don't make eye contact. The Dolly Mixture is a softie but the other two are menthol." 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 Three shites on the pavement. Which one's The Musketeer? The Dark Tan Yin... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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