buchan30 Posted May 4 Share Posted May 4 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zen Archer (Raconteur) Posted May 4 Share Posted May 4 1 hour ago, buchan30 said: That's the type of floor covering a painter would buy, at least he would give you a matt finish. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottsdad Posted May 9 Share Posted May 9 Gandalf came in my shop earlier and asked "Do I get any money off for having a big stick". I said, "sorry we don't offer staff discounts" 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch Stanton Posted May 10 Share Posted May 10 (edited) Frankie Boyle... "Most of the Saudi Arabian Paralympic team are thieves." Edited May 10 by Arch Stanton 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch Stanton Posted May 10 Share Posted May 10 Milton Jones...you might like this one @btb. "If I understand history correctly, years ago everyone in this country whose name was Colin was rounded up and transported to places such as Canada, Australia, India in an attempt..." Audience laugh. " I see some of you are ahead of me here..." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottsdad Posted May 13 Share Posted May 13 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
19QOS19 Posted May 13 Share Posted May 13 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buchan30 Posted May 13 Share Posted May 13 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarrbridgeSaintee Posted May 16 Share Posted May 16 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claudia Gentile Posted May 16 Share Posted May 16 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyAnchor Posted May 18 Share Posted May 18 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claudia Gentile Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 An Aussie classic. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch Stanton Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 A horse, a sheep, and a chicken lived together on a farm. The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar. So the horse rings a music shop and he says, “Hey, I’d love to learn to play guitar. Is there anyone who can teach me”? The music shop manager says “That’s not an issue, let’s get you started on some music lessons.” The horse says “Well there’s one problem, sir, I’m actually a horse.” The music store manager says “Hey, that’s not a problem! I’m sure I can manage to teach you!”.The horse says “Awesome!” so he goes in to his lessons and in no time he’s rockin’ the whole farm with his guitar. One day the sheep comes wandering over. Sheep watches horse play for a bit and then says that he’d really like to learn to play drums, and can horse recommend anyone who can teach him? Horse gives sheep the number of the music shop, and sheep dials the number. "Id like to learn the drums if its not any bother" The music store manager says “Hey, no problem, I’ll teach you to play drums! How about we set up some lessons?” The sheep says, “Is it going to be a problem if I’m a sheep?” The manager says “Not a problem! In fact, awhile ago I taught a horse to play guitar, so it shouldn’t be too hard to teach a sheep to play drums!”.So the sheep goes for his music lessons and soon enough, he’s mastered them and he and horse start jamming together in the stables. One morning sheep and horse are rocking the farm down when chicken struts past. Chicken is very impressed and tells horse and sheep that he’s always wanted to learn to sing, and could horse or sheep recommend anyone? They both tell him about the music shop and the chicken decides to call the music shop. So he gives the shop a call and tells the manager that he’s always longed to learn to sing, and if could anyone help him. The shop manager says "it’s no problem, when are you free to come in for lessons?" Chicken says, “There’s just one small issue”. The shop manager asks, “What’s that?.” The chicken says, "Well...I’m a chicken.” The manager says “That’s no problem, I’ve taught a horse to play guitar and a sheep to play drums, so I’m sure I can teach a chicken to sing”. So chicken takes his lessons and in no time at all he’s the best singer you ever heard. He and sheep and horse decide to form a band, and start playing together, and even writing songs. One day they’re smashing it out out in the stables when they decided to record a video of one of their songs and upload it to YouTube. The song ends up going viral. It’s so popular they release more videos, and soon they have a massive fan base. They all decide it’s time to embark on a world tour. At the airport, as the plane is about to board, horse says “Guys, I need to use the bathroom, I’ll catch up with you two before the flight leaves.” Both the chicken sheep board the plane, but horse takes too long in the bathroom and misses the flight. As horse is waiting for a new flight, he’s watching TV and a news story tells him that the plane sheep and chicken were on crashed and both chicken and sheep tragically died. Horse was very upset about losing his two closest friends and decides to go into the bar across the road and get a drink to drown his sorrows. The horse walks in and the bartender looks at him and asks "Why the long face?" 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch Stanton Posted May 19 Share Posted May 19 A man goes to an Urgent Care Clinic and is seen by the nurse. Man: I have a terrible problem. Nurse: What's the problem? Man: It's very embarrassing . I don't feel comfortable talking about it. People will laugh. Nurse: I am a professional. I take all matters very seriously. Please tell me your problem. The man pulls down his trousers and underwear revealing a penis that is the size of a triple A battery. The Nurse is unable to control herself, starts laughing for several seconds until she finally gains control and says; "I am so sorry, I didn't mean to laugh. Please tell me what the problem is. Man: It's my penis. Nurse: yeah but what's wrong with it? Man: It's swollen. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claudia Gentile Posted May 20 Share Posted May 20 A bit windy out. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch Stanton Posted May 20 Share Posted May 20 What happens when you turn up late for a cannibal BBQ? Spoiler You get the cold shoulder. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claudia Gentile Posted May 20 Share Posted May 20 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HI HAT Posted May 21 Share Posted May 21 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deadasdillinger Posted May 21 Share Posted May 21 Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter? Pretty nuts! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HI HAT Posted May 21 Share Posted May 21 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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