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The joke thread: a thread for camaraderie and hilarity

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Milton Jones...you might like this one @btb.

"If I understand history correctly, years ago everyone in this country whose name was Colin was rounded up and transported to places such as Canada, Australia, India in an attempt..."

Audience laugh.

" I see some of you are ahead of me here..."

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A horse, a sheep, and a chicken lived together on a farm.

The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar. So the horse rings a music shop and he says, “Hey, I’d love to learn to play guitar. Is there anyone who can teach me”? The music shop manager says “That’s not an issue, let’s get you started on some music lessons.” The horse says “Well there’s one problem, sir, I’m actually a horse.” The music store manager says “Hey, that’s not a problem! I’m sure I can manage to teach you!”.The horse says “Awesome!” so he goes in to his lessons and in no time he’s rockin’ the whole farm with his guitar.

One day the sheep comes wandering over. Sheep watches horse play for a bit and then says that he’d really like to learn to play drums, and can horse recommend anyone who can teach him? Horse gives sheep the number of the music shop, and sheep dials the number. "Id like to learn the drums if its not any bother" The music store manager says “Hey, no problem, I’ll teach you to play drums! How about we set up some lessons?” The sheep says, “Is it going to be a problem if I’m a sheep?” The manager says “Not a problem! In fact, awhile ago I taught a horse to play guitar, so it shouldn’t be too hard to teach a sheep to play drums!”.So the sheep goes for his music lessons and soon enough, he’s mastered them and he and horse start jamming together in the stables.

One morning sheep and horse are rocking the farm down when chicken struts past. Chicken is very impressed and tells horse and sheep that he’s always wanted to learn to sing, and could horse or sheep recommend anyone? They both tell him about the music shop and the chicken decides to call the music shop.

So he gives the shop a call and tells the manager that he’s always longed to learn to sing, and if could anyone help him. The shop manager says "it’s no problem, when are you free to come in for lessons?" Chicken says, “There’s just one small issue”. The shop manager asks, “What’s that?.” The chicken says, "Well...I’m a chicken.” The manager says “That’s no problem, I’ve taught a horse to play guitar and a sheep to play drums, so I’m sure I can teach a chicken to sing”.

So chicken takes his lessons and in no time at all he’s the best singer you ever heard. He and sheep and horse decide to form a band, and start playing together, and even writing songs.

One day they’re smashing it out out in the stables when they decided to record a video of one of their songs and upload it to YouTube. 

The song ends up going viral. It’s so popular they release more videos, and soon they have a massive fan base. They all decide it’s time to embark on a world tour.

At the airport, as the plane is about to board, horse says “Guys, I need to use the bathroom, I’ll catch up with you two before the flight leaves.” 

Both the chicken sheep board the plane, but horse takes too long in the bathroom and misses the flight.

As horse is waiting for a new flight, he’s watching TV and a news story tells him that the plane sheep and chicken were on crashed and both chicken and sheep tragically died.

Horse was very upset about losing his two closest friends and decides to go into the bar across the road and get a drink to drown his sorrows.

The horse walks in and the bartender looks at him and asks "Why the long face?" 

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A man goes to an Urgent Care Clinic and is seen by the nurse.

Man: I have a terrible problem.

Nurse: What's the problem?

Man: It's very embarrassing . I don't feel comfortable talking about it. People will laugh.

Nurse: I am a professional. I take all matters very seriously. Please tell me your problem.

The man pulls down his trousers and underwear revealing a penis that is the size of a triple A battery.

The Nurse is unable to control herself, starts laughing for several seconds until she finally gains control and says; "I am so sorry, I didn't mean to laugh. Please tell me what the problem is.

Man: It's my penis.

Nurse: yeah but what's wrong with it?

Man: It's swollen.

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