GordonD Posted September 5, 2017 Share Posted September 5, 2017 1 hour ago, AL0011 said: I went for a job as a blacksmith the other day the interviewer said to me have you ever shoe'd a horse, i replied no but i told a donkey to f**k off once Hate myself for this, but 1 hour ago, AL0011 said: Paddy and Mick are doing a crossword paddy says to mick "how do you spell orange" paddy answers ' which one the colour or the fruit" Then Paddy says, "Old Macdonald had one." Mick answers, "Farm!" "Oh, that's good," says Paddy. "How do you spell it?" Mick says, "E-I-E-I-O!" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AL-FFC Posted September 5, 2017 Share Posted September 5, 2017 Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older, he was increasingly hampered by excruciatingly painful headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life began to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.The doctor said, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."Joe was, of course, both shocked and depressed. He indeed wondered if he even had anything to live for after castration. Yet, he immediately decided he had no choice but to go under the knife; his headaches just had to cease.When he left the hospital his mind was at long last clear, but naturally he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he felt like an entirely different person.He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "I'll buy a new suit. Maybe that will cheer me up!"He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."Joe laughed, "Yeah, that's right, how did you know?""It's my job to know," said the salesman. Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly.As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Okay, sure."The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve, and...16 neck."Joe was once again surprised, "That's exactly right. How did you know?""It's my job to know," said the salesman, very matter of factly.Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"Joe was on a roll by this point and said, "Well, sure..."The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9...wide."Joe was astonished, "That's right again...how did you know?""It's my job to know," said the salesman. Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "So, how about a new hat?"Without hesitation, Joe said, "Yeah, go for it."The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see, I'd say 7 5/8."Joe was incredulous. "That's right. Man, how can you tell all of this?""It's my job to know," reiterated the salesman. The hat fit perfectly.Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"Joe hesitated for a second and said, "Sure..."The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."The salesman shook his head, "No, no, you can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Lambies Doos Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 John is driving home from work and gets a phone call from his boss 'John great news, you have been promoted to operations manager' fuckin yes crys John. Two mins later his phone rings again., 'John they've just made you operation director' fuk yes crys John; mind all wondering. Another 2 mins later phone rings again. ' John, it's the chairman here, we are promoting you to CEO' ya fuckin dancer cries John. John then loses control of his car and crashes into a tree. The next thing he remembers is a fireman shouting ' are you alright sir, what the fuk happened?' To which John replies. 'Looks like I careered off the road' 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AL-FFC Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 Prince Harry is said to be quietly upset that he's now going to be one further removed from the throne... He should really be worried that he's only a DNA test away from being cut out all together ! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AL-FFC Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 I was'nt happy when I heard that Kate Middleton was pregnant again, but I've since had a complete change of heart and come around to the idea of a new royal baby. This lady told me today that for the cost of pampering one Royal prince, we could instead use that money to completely house and feed up to 2,000 more refugee's in this country. Point taken. -1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fide Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 Hmm. Something tells me those jokes were lifted from Sickipedia. Call it a hunch. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AL-FFC Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 People said I would never get over my obsession with Phil Collins songs Well take a look at me now 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whiskychimp Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines everywhere 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 What goes wiff-wiff-wiff-wiff...............................wiff-wiff-wiff-wiff...............................wiff-wiff-wiff-wiff...............................wiff-wiff-wiff-wiff...............................? A hurdler wearing corduroy shorts 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fide Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 Whats better than winning gold in the Paralympic 100m wheelchair race? Walking. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SlipperyP Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 What's worse than finding a worm in an apple you're eating?Anal rape! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fide Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy? Gang rape. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 4 hours ago, Fide said: Whats better than winning gold in the Paralympic 100m wheelchair race? Walking. What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Spoiler Christopher Walken 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fide Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 3 minutes ago, jagfox99 said: What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Hide contents Christopher Walken What goes "Ow................................ow..................................ow......................................ow...................................ow?" Christopher Reeve doing the hurdles. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 2 minutes ago, Fide said: What goes "Ow................................ow..................................ow......................................ow...................................ow?" Christopher Reeve doing the hurdles. Shame the 'Superman putting on his Cape' one doesn't really work on here... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fide Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 4 minutes ago, jagfox99 said: Shame the 'Superman putting on his Cape' one doesn't really work on here... I know the exact one. The epileptic fit one doesn't work on here either. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mantis Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 Neither does the 'Irishman tying his shoelaces" one. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fide Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 Guy walks into a pet shop and asks the owner if he has any weird or unusual animals. The pet shop owner says "Well, we have a Colombian Cock Sucking Frog in stock" "Wow" the guy says "and what does that do?" The pet shop owner goes through the back and comes back with a box. He opens the box and out pops a frog. "Get your cock out" says the pet shop owner. A bit nervously, the guy whaps out his tadger, The frog hops over and starts sucking his cock. "I'll take it" says the guy. So off he goes home, sits the box down and tells his wife what he bought. "That's all very well" she says "but what do you want me to do about it?" The guy says "Teach it to cook, and f**k off". #lad #misogyny #baller 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cardinal Richelieu Posted September 9, 2017 Share Posted September 9, 2017 The inventor of the USB stick has just died. Thanks for the memory. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Lambies Doos Posted September 9, 2017 Share Posted September 9, 2017 I received this best present ever! A broken drumYou can't beat it. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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