topcat(The most tip top) Posted July 28, 2018 Share Posted July 28, 2018 I hate being bipolar, it's amazing!Jokes about mental illness are fucking awesome 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Granny Danger Posted July 28, 2018 Share Posted July 28, 2018 4 hours ago, The DA said: 'First, can you make sure he's dead?' is the correct answer. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cardinal Richelieu Posted July 28, 2018 Share Posted July 28, 2018 13 hours ago, mishtergrolsch said: Two rednecks are out in the woods hunting deer when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls 911. He gasps: "Ah think muh friend Cleetus is dead! Whut can ah do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, are you sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now whut?" Oh grolschy 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mishtergrolsch Posted July 28, 2018 Share Posted July 28, 2018 Yeah. Made a c**t of it. Oh well. Ill never copy and paste from that site again... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigBo10 Posted July 28, 2018 Share Posted July 28, 2018 Work thread reminded me of an old one. Mickey Mouse sitting with his lawyer and the lawyer says “Mickey you can’t really divorce Minnie just because she has buck teeth” Mickey replies “I never said she had buck teeth. I said she was fucking goofy. “ 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Waal Posted July 29, 2018 Share Posted July 29, 2018 What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?Dr Dre 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buchan30 Posted July 29, 2018 Share Posted July 29, 2018 The guys were all away fishing and had booked a B&B. No one wanted to share with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night. ' The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night .' The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly ex-Navy man; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. ' Good morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?' He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melanius Mullarkey Posted August 3, 2018 Share Posted August 3, 2018 Bought some HP sauce earlier. Its costing me 5p a month for 2 years. -1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted August 3, 2018 Share Posted August 3, 2018 Guy on a Mediterranean cruise stops one of the deck-hands. "Where's the nearest toilet?" "Port side, sir!" "Bloody hell, I can't wait till we get there!" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peppino Impastato Posted August 3, 2018 Share Posted August 3, 2018 What's the smallest pub in the world? The thalidomide arms 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raidernation Posted August 3, 2018 Share Posted August 3, 2018 What’s the world’s shortest blues song?“Well I didn’t wake up this morning” 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
19QOS19 Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 To me...To me...Barry? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unleash The Nade Posted August 6, 2018 Share Posted August 6, 2018 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 Richarlison has had such a good debut this weekend. Richarlidad & Richarlimum must be proud of him? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted August 13, 2018 Share Posted August 13, 2018 Walking down the street with my mate and we saw a dog licking his balls. My mate turns to me and goes, "I wish I could do that." "He'd bite you," I replied. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IainMorton Posted August 13, 2018 Share Posted August 13, 2018 On the way home from the pub last night when a young lady asked to walk with me as she doesn’t like walking past the graveyard alone. You should have seen the look on her face when I told her I didn’t enjoy it either when I was alive. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BishopLenBrennan Posted August 13, 2018 Share Posted August 13, 2018 A landlord is cleaning up his pub after closing time one Friday night. He hears a knock at the front door, and unlocks it to find a homeless man. The homeless man asks him for a toothpick. Confused, the landlord gives him a toothpick, and returns to his cleaning. A few minutes later, another homeless man knocks the door and asks for a toothpick. A few minutes later, there is a third homeless guy at the door. The landlord says 'Let me guess, you want a toothpick?', and the homeless guy replies 'No, can I have a straw please?'. The landlord's curiosity gets the better of him and asks the homeless guy 'Why do you want a straw?'. The homeless guy replied 'Someone was sick outside and all the good stuff is already gone'. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IainMorton Posted August 13, 2018 Share Posted August 13, 2018 ^^^guess that’s my dinner for tonight knackered. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IainMorton Posted August 13, 2018 Share Posted August 13, 2018 A new senior member of staff is starting in my kids school this week. He has no arms, legs or body. We have to call him “the head “. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cardinal Richelieu Posted August 13, 2018 Share Posted August 13, 2018 1 hour ago, IainMorton said: A new senior member of staff is starting in my kids school this week. He has no arms, legs or body. We have to call him “the head “. And there's also another slighty-less senior member of staff with no arms, legs or body, but he always wears a sheriff's badge. ... yes, he's the Deputy Head. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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