Advice needed

[Theroadlesstravelled]

Whenever you’re about to do something, think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, do not do that thing.

[TxRover]

3 hours ago, Theroadlesstravelled said:

Whenever you’re about to do something, think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, do not do that thing.

If you’re about to do anything, and need someone to hold your beer, don’t!

[coprolite]

Don't wear trousers in the house or you won't get the benefit of them when you go outside. 

[Leith Green]

Always park your car in gear to stop it running down the hill if the handbrake fails.

.............or live in holland

[Ron Aldo]

If you're on a diet, cut portion sizes in half. That means you can then eat twice as much. 

[Shandon Par]

Don’t accept £500 notes 

[Shandon Par]

When your hoover is blocked, don’t suck on the tube to unblock it.

[supermik]

Don’t eat the yellow snow.

[TxRover]

42 minutes ago, supermik said:

Don’t eat the yellow snow.

And watch out where the huskies go, cause some drink enough water to not colour that snow!

[RuMoore]

 

I still believe. 

[tamthebam]

Another Spike tip:

Sitting under a tree is a sure cure for seasickness. 

[Cosmic Joe]

When peeling a banana always turn it "upside down". 

Nae stringy bits

[Mark Connolly]

Something premium rate phone number something "How's my Driving?" bumper sticker

[Fullerene]

13 hours ago, Leith Green said:

Always park your car in gear to stop it running down the hill if the handbrake fails.

.............or live in holland

Avoid crashing your car by not owning one in the first place.

[supermik]

If you don’t want to be airlifted home by emergency, don’t move to shithole third world countries!

[Mark Connolly]

Put a pinch of sage in your boots, and all day long a spicy scent is your reward

[scottsdad]

If you hear strange noises in the night, make stranger ones to assert dominance. 

[Richey Edwards]

Save money on expensive cat food and vet bills by not having a cat and slashing your furniture with a stanley knife instead.

[tamthebam]

29 minutes ago, supermik said:

If you don’t want to be airlifted home by emergency, don’t move to shithole third world countries!

More like: if you DO want to be airlifted home by emergency don't be a citizen of a shithole third rate country run by useless arseholes

[tamthebam]

This might be one of Billy Connolly's:

"This tramp came up to me and said 'for a quid I'll give you a tip that will save your life'

So I gave him a quid and he said 'Never accept a lift from Ted Kennedy'...."