Female breadwinner, male househusband

[effeffsee_the2nd]

Fuckin bring it on, lunch with the ladies, off to bannatynes in the afternoon,  if my wife ever has the audacity to question what I actually did all day then I'd just give her dugs abuse and refuse her her hole until she started sooking up to me.  happy days

Edited June 29, 2023 by effeffsee_the2nd

[Melanius Mullarkey]

Hard to believe but im the sole breadwinner in our household. 

If I was to get paid off f**k knows what I would do tbh.

Probably just drink any redundancy. 

[TxRover]

19 hours ago, TheScarf said:

Has your relative got any single sisters you could put me in contact with?

This bonnie lassie is available and loaded…

Edited June 29, 2023 by TxRover

[Boo Khaki]

8 hours ago, RH33 said:

I think this is generalising a bit. Even a generation ago woman tending go stay at home so having the means to leave was difficult as they'd been out the work system for 5/10/15 years. 

Then there's those who genuinely have no agency due to abuse.

 

Possibly why I find it an odd proposition, because despite being 50+ myself, my own mother, and every other woman in my family of a similar age or younger kept a full-time job throughout their entire lives, regardless of having a working husband and children or otherwise.

7 hours ago, The Moonster said:

Have you been through a situation like this or is it just what you worry might happen?

I've lived with a woman for decades, been married, both of us worked, both of us had short periods where we were between jobs. That relationship ended amicably after decades, which just confirmed for me what I've always thought, namely -

1. Relationships are soluble, all of them, and they can come to an end rather quickly no matter how invested and committed both of you are, so people who are convinced their relationship is 'forever' are, at best, naive.

2. because of 1, it seems to me that anyone who willingly gives up their own financial independence to live on the earnings of another is being hugely irresponsible, especially so when it means that after years and years your skills and knowledge are so degraded that you'd be looking at stacking supermarket shelves, (not that there is anything inherently wrong with that, it's purely a point about income), as your likely best means to feed yourself, and also, once you are no longer in a relationship with someone, even someone that you have known, loved, and trusted implicitly for years, the dynamic shifts considerably. They are no longer your 'partner' and owe you absolutely nothing, so I can't understand why people are shocked that a former partner who they always maintained would 'look after them' suddenly has zero interest in being generous and giving them anything more than the bare minimum they are legally obliged to. 

I wouldn't say that I 'worry' as such that it might happen, more that I think it's a total abdication of personal responsibility to yourself to voluntarily put yourself in an extremely vulnerable position, especially if you do it outside of the legal status of marriage because you could quite feasibly find yourself out on your ear after decades with absolutely nothing, whether you are male or female. Again, as much as I see the attraction of a relatively leisurely life and as much as I understand how many jobs are utterly soul-destroying, I think you owe it to yourself to ensure that your future is as protected as it can be from all contingencies, rather than just adopting a head in the sand attitude to what could, conceivably, happen down the line just because it's convenient at the moment.

If you are fortunate and have the legal protection marriage affords, you perhaps have an ownership stake in a property with enough accrued equity that you would still be able to afford another home in the even that your current was sold and the proceeds split, you have significant savings, a career that you can carry on at home irrespective of time required to devote to childcare, could conceivably afford private childcare should you find yourself a single parent, or you are just enormously independently wealthy and will never actually need to work to support yourself, then I can see why becoming a stay at home parent might be attractive, but people who choose to do it outside of marriage, or perhaps when they are young and have skills that will not stay relevant with passage of time, have no savings, or go into the relationship with nothing and expect to be kept in their relationship-state standard of living after it ends, or actually set out with the intention of finding someone to be in a relationship with who has the means to 'keep' them out of sheer laziness, no, it's a total abdication of personal responsibility, and I can't muster any sympathy for them when it predictably ends in disaster.

[The Moonster]

8 minutes ago, Boo Khaki said:

Possibly why I find it an odd proposition, because despite being 50+ myself, my own mother, and every other woman in my family of a similar age or younger kept a full-time job throughout their entire lives, regardless of having a working husband and children or otherwise.

I've lived with a woman for decades, been married, both of us worked, both of us had short periods where we were between jobs. That relationship ended amicably after decades, which just confirmed for me what I've always thought, namely -

1. Relationships are soluble, all of them, and they can come to an end rather quickly no matter how invested and committed both of you are, so people who are convinced their relationship is 'forever' are, at best, naive.

2. because of 1, it seems to me that anyone who willingly gives up their own financial independence to live on the earnings of another is being hugely irresponsible, especially so when it means that after years and years your skills and knowledge are so degraded that you'd be looking at stacking supermarket shelves, (not that there is anything inherently wrong with that, it's purely a point about income), as your likely best means to feed yourself, and also, once you are no longer in a relationship with someone, even someone that you have known, loved, and trusted implicitly for years, the dynamic shifts considerably. They are no longer your 'partner' and owe you absolutely nothing, so I can't understand why people are shocked that a former partner who they always maintained would 'look after them' suddenly has zero interest in being generous and giving them anything more than the bare minimum they are legally obliged to. 

I wouldn't say that I 'worry' as such that it might happen, more that I think it's a total abdication of personal responsibility to yourself to voluntarily put yourself in an extremely vulnerable position, especially if you do it outside of the legal status of marriage because you could quite feasibly find yourself out on your ear after decades with absolutely nothing, whether you are male or female. Again, as much as I see the attraction of a relatively leisurely life and as much as I understand how many jobs are utterly soul-destroying, I think you owe it to yourself to ensure that your future is as protected as it can be from all contingencies, rather than just adopting a head in the sand attitude to what could, conceivably, happen down the line just because it's convenient at the moment.

If you are fortunate and have the legal protection marriage affords, you perhaps have an ownership stake in a property with enough accrued equity that you would still be able to afford another home in the even that your current was sold and the proceeds split, you have significant savings, a career that you can carry on at home irrespective of time required to devote to childcare, could conceivably afford private childcare should you find yourself a single parent, or you are just enormously independently wealthy and will never actually need to work to support yourself, then I can see why becoming a stay at home parent might be attractive, but people who choose to do it outside of marriage, or perhaps when they are young and have skills that will not stay relevant with passage of time, have no savings, or go into the relationship with nothing and expect to be kept in their relationship-state standard of living after it ends, or actually set out with the intention of finding someone to be in a relationship with who has the means to 'keep' them out of sheer laziness, no, it's a total abdication of personal responsibility, and I can't muster any sympathy for them when it predictably ends in disaster.

I don't really agree that it's irresponsible, sure some folk might just be looking for an easy ride and are fucked when it goes wrong but I don't think it automatically applies to everyone. In my own situation, it would've been irresponsible of me to continue on the path I was on, my mental health was extremely poor and it would only have gotten worse. My family have allowed me a much more stress free path and I am forever grateful for that. I'm fully aware that this is not retirement for me, I will more than likely need to get a job in future and I'm fine with that. I also fully understand at some point I might not be an attractive partner for my girlfriend and end up alone. I would be utterly devastated but I understand things and people change, even if I was working when that happened there would be pieces that need picked up. I feel I'm providing a better life for my kid by not working right now but that might change. It's just much more nuanced than saying anyone who isn't married and looks after a kid is irresponsible. 

[Boo Khaki]

4 minutes ago, The Moonster said:

I don't really agree that it's irresponsible, sure some folk might just be looking for an easy ride and are fucked when it goes wrong but I don't think it automatically applies to everyone. In my own situation, it would've been irresponsible of me to continue on the path I was on, my mental health was extremely poor and it would only have gotten worse. My family have allowed me a much more stress free path and I am forever grateful for that. I'm fully aware that this is not retirement for me, I will more than likely need to get a job in future and I'm fine with that. I also fully understand at some point I might not be an attractive partner for my girlfriend and end up alone. I would be utterly devastated but I understand things and people change, even if I was working when that happened there would be pieces that need picked up. I feel I'm providing a better life for my kid by not working right now but that might change. It's just much more nuanced than saying anyone who isn't married and looks after a kid is irresponsible. 

My post probably sounds like I'm much more judgemental that I am in reality. It's not my intention at all to belittle or berate anyone, but it's not easy to put that across in type.

I had to make some serious decisions about my own career for the sake of mental health, so I totally get where you are coming from in that regard and I completely respect your decision and choice to do what you are doing. Is great that you have a supportive family, because one of the reasons I am no longer with my ex is that both she, and especially her family made it quite clear to me that I had 'let them all down' and fallen short of expectations by refusing to continue in a post that was rapidly killing me. 

I suppose where I really am is that I don't understand people who have this as an ambition and actively seek to do it from the moment they leave school, them complain that they are up shit creek when their partner and cash cow suddenly decides they are no longer interested in maintaining the status quo. People who opt to do it in circumstances that allow for it is fair enough, provided they are aware of the potential consequences, and you appear to be going into it with your eyes wide open, so good luck to you.

[ICTChris]

1 hour ago, Boo Khaki said:

That relationship ended amicably after decades

This is how I feel after finishing reading one of your mega posts.

[Connor1874]

On 27/06/2023 at 10:38, The Moonster said:

Hiya Moonster! Hiya pal!

I've been the "house husband" for nearly 2 years. I was utterly miserable at my work and my girlfriend could see that, when she got pregnant we discussed how we wanted to bring our wean up and we decided we'd rather we had a bit less money in return for one of us always being there for the kid at almost all times. She earned quite a bit more than me, was generally happy in her job and works 98% of the time from home so it made sense for me to chuck it. 

In terms of happiness, it's through the roof now compared to we were both working. We obviously have our struggles, money is tight but we aren't flashy or materliastic people so we get by fine. With both of us in the house even with her working we both get to see the growth in our wee one and its so rewarding. She started walking this week and if we'd both been working we'd both have missed that. I'll take that over money all day everyday. 

As for the question of would I prefer she was also unemployed, I'm not sure it's a great question. Wouldn't everyone be happier if they could spend more time with their partner? (Insert joke about how much you hate your wife here). 

Your circumstances sound pretty similar to what I anticipate mine being soon enough. Both me and my partner work in similar public sector roles, however I've been doing it 5 years with no qualifications and no real future prospects, and she's doing it as a stop gap before going for something else. She's got finance qualifications and reckons they're worth at least £30k starting. She's currently on maternity from our youngest, but has no intention of returning to her current job. Combined, we make little over £40k a year, so already my mindset is shifting to perhaps dropping hours. Like you, we aren't flashy or materialistic. Just happy to have a bit in pocket after the bills to do stuff with the kids. 

I'm not miserable as such in my work, and not adverse to working full stop. But the 9-5 is a bit of a grind and can't see myself breaking out of it otherwise for the next 30 years. She seems quite passionate about the type of work she wants to do, and don't doubt for a second she'll get much more satisfaction from her work than I will in my job.

On 27/06/2023 at 10:47, welshbairn said:

I'm sure a fair amount of men would rather be out at work than alone looking after screaming kids all day.

There is always this mind you.

[The Moonster]

29 minutes ago, Connor1874 said:

Your circumstances sound pretty similar to what I anticipate mine being soon enough. Both me and my partner work in similar public sector roles, however I've been doing it 5 years with no qualifications and no real future prospects, and she's doing it as a stop gap before going for something else. She's got finance qualifications and reckons they're worth at least £30k starting. She's currently on maternity from our youngest, but has no intention of returning to her current job. Combined, we make little over £40k a year, so already my mindset is shifting to perhaps dropping hours. Like you, we aren't flashy or materialistic. Just happy to have a bit in pocket after the bills to do stuff with the kids. 

I'm not miserable as such in my work, and not adverse to working full stop. But the 9-5 is a bit of a grind and can't see myself breaking out of it otherwise for the next 30 years. She seems quite passionate about the type of work she wants to do, and don't doubt for a second she'll get much more satisfaction from her work than I will in my job.

There is always this mind you.

I would always recommend to go for it if you can. The reward in teaching my kid stuff is incredible but it also makes you feel free and that you can do anything - I still keep one eye on available jobs and if one comes up I'd love to do I'd probably jump at it. 

[Connor1874]

28 minutes ago, The Moonster said:

I would always recommend to go for it if you can. The reward in teaching my kid stuff is incredible but it also makes you feel free and that you can do anything - I still keep one eye on available jobs and if one comes up I'd love to do I'd probably jump at it. 

I think the way I'm going in this current job, I'm not THAT far away from getting to the point where I am miserable and start losing the will to live doing it. I've been down this road before in jobs and it's a right old slog trying to get out and find something new. Again, I don't have that luxury of a specific skill or qualification that can earn me a job the same or better, at the drop of a hat. If she can get herself in a good job in the near future then it would be good to maybe drop hours here, or take a career break altogether. Then like you say, I can cherry pick jobs and go for something I want to do.

[throbber]

I’m not sure about anyone else but I would hate to be running around after my annoying children all day every day. I come to work to get some peace and quiet.

[Mark Connolly]

Sitting around, doing absolutely no work, and just reading and posing shite on P&B all day - if I didn't have that in my life and had to stay at home and do stuff like cooking and cleaning, I'm not sure I could cope

[Satoshi]

Where I live, due to work permit rules, spouses typically aren't able to work. Typically, these are white collar professional women but there is an increasing number of men. For additional context, live in domestic helpers are near ubiquitous so the stay at home spouse will do as much (or as little) childcare and domestic work as they so desire.

It's fascinating to me how some really thrive doing this, whilst others actively despise it. One woman, who I had only met for 5 mins, lambasted her life of yoga and afternoon tea and longed for her life as an E&Y auditor (!?!). It's probably especially jarring if back home they thought of themselves as being more educated / successful than their spouse, one surprisingly well adjusted couple has a doctoral geophysicist at home whilst her husband looks at pipes. Culturally, western women find it hardest to adapt in my experience.

For the men, they either work remotely, or start every conversation with what they used to do (looking fairly exasperated regardless). It's getting better, but it's still a shame being a stay at home dad isn't fully embraced by society. Probably doesn't help the daytime social scene is female dominated and they aren't really welcome there either!

They are all married (many got married prematurely to get the visa to move). Agreed you would be taking a bit of a chance without this protection.

Many fairly young educated women I have met in my career openly express their desire to not work, and be a stay a home wife but I have never heard any man express such a desire.

I like to think I could do it, but given I get bored at home if I spend one day there at weekend I'm probably kidding myself.

[Sergeant Wilson]

21 hours ago, Mark Connolly said:

Sitting around, doing absolutely no work, and just reading and posing shite on P&B all day - if I didn't have that in my life and had to stay at home and do stuff like cooking and cleaning, I'm not sure I could cope

Cooking is good. Cleaning, just make it look like you tried and she'll  do it properly later.