tamthebam

Does anybody want to enter the 2015 World Cup? 50 nicker per entrant signed Tam President of IMTA- International Monkey Tennis Association

Having recently heard Half Man Half Biscuit's song "I hate Nerys Hughes" I suddenly realised that I've always hated Nerys Hughes.

Aberdeen keeper Jamie Langfield got the nickname "Clangers" when he played for Dundee after emitting strange whistling noises and thinking he lived on the moon after hallucinating during a particularly rigorous training session at Dens Park overseen by Jocky Scott. Langfield was reportedly disappointed when he found out that Scott was not in actual fact the Soupdragon as he was looking forward to a post session meal of blue string pudding.

Next time we play Germany away charter a bus to take Scotland fans over to the match. Hog the Autobahn lanes and put a sticker on the back with the number of a premium rate line for angry Audi and BMW drivers that reads "How's my Fahrting?"

Go to a playoff match. Stand next to some kid. Some footballer will chuck his shirt at the kid because footballers are sentimental, but here is the genius part- you're bigger and nastier than the kid so nick the shirt off the wee scrote, wait til the heat dies down and flog it on e-bay 6 months later...

Rope off a bit of waste ground. Add some rusty barbed wire, half bricks. wandering rapid dugs, evil Aberdeen seagulls, broken buckie bottles and junkies needles for that local touch. Call it "Scotland's toughest obstacle course event" and charge steroid abusing fitness twats 50 quid to enter. If they survive the obstacle course the winner gets to eat a burger from one of those burger vans you see at Hampden for Scotland matches...

Raise a small claim against a council for tripping over a loose paving stone and twisting your ankle. If you make it a small amount- say £100-200 apparently they hardly bother to contest the claim as it's not worth the bother. If you try it with say, 5 biggish councils in Scotland- Edinburgh, Glasgow, Dundee, Aberdeen, Inverness say, you could end up with a grand. Alternatively get elected as a West of Scotland Labour MP and do f**k all for years... errmmm... hang on a minute...

said Dougal. And the rest of the Magic Roundabout gang agreed.

The chorus to "The Sidewinder sleeps tonight" was written in tribute to Lochee baker Colin Jim Aitken who supplies Michael Stipe with plehnies and inyin ins whenever he plays the Caird Hall in disguise as Shug McTumshie and his Monifieth Stompers.

It's not generally known that Steven Gerrard was an Arbroath fan when young. He used to enjoy reading about Jimmy Fotheringham and Alan McKenna while delivering the Courier to an exiled Dundonian on his paper round. His prize possession is an Arbroath strip signed by Derek Steel that he bought off e-bay for a then record price of £3.25

Obscure Roman General Decius was the first to suggest building a wall between Bo'ness and Dumbarton. This is why the Antonine Wall should really be called the AntandDecanine Wall.

this is because he is part cat due to a short sighted sheepshagger somewhere in his family tree..

Diet Irn-Bru is made using Jackie Bird's pubes.

See that Storm Huntley off STV Glasgow? That's not her real name. Her real name is Storm Formartine-United.

The biggest swing in a Scottish constituency occurred in Edinburgh East last night when I wore a kilt.

he looks like a 8 year old who's just been given a wagon wheel by his favourite Auntie for being a good boy.

because he looks like Robbie Savage ran into a wall very fast?

When I was 4 I hated Michael Aspel for no apparent reason.When I grew up I didn't mind him. If he ever gets outed as a BEAST then my 4 year old self had a good warning system..

my money's on Kellly tbh anyway do those of a certain age (old farts like me in other words) remember the way the BBC 1 globe ident used to fade into the Star Trek titles (38-45 secs in this clip)

a poem by John Donne I remember from school which I mutter when festering in bed with hangover on a nice morning..... Busy old fool, unruly sun, Why dost thou thus, Through windows, and through curtains call on us? Must to thy motions lovers' seasons run? Saucy pedantic wretch, go chide Late school boys and sour prentices, Go tell court huntsmen that the king will ride, Call country ants to harvest offices, Love, all alike, no season knows nor clime, Nor hours, days, months, which are the rags of time

is this true...? hmmm....

I like Brussels Sprouts but as a poor student I once made the mistake of putting them into a stir fry. Result was I turned into Johnny Fartpants for the night. Never again.

..and Roddy Hart has just educated the masses by playing "Adam Boyle has cast lad rock aside" on his Radio Scotland show. Good stuff.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/blogs-magazine-monitor-30795336 bad news for tramps- special brew's strength is being reduced.....