BFTD

b*****ds/Les Salauds - Parisian returns home after his sister's husband dies, and attempts to find out who perpetrated a vicious sexual assault on his niece. I'll be honest - I don't have a fucking clue what was going on in this film. It seemed to jump around quite a bit, and both myself and the wife felt quite dim for being unable to follow it. My best interpretation is that it's a French version of Get Carter, if Michael Caine had shrugged a lot and done practically nothing, except shag the bad guy's wife. Entirely possible I missed some brilliance here, but I found it all a little tedious. Thanks to christophe for the...recommendation, I guess? Didn't notice any actual corn penetration though, only the bloody aftermath

Man-flu can only be diagnosed by a suitably condescending maw/girlfriend/gaggle of bints on Facebook. Please confirm, as the symptoms are similar to that of Ebola.

Uh-oh - bad news, Throbs: it's probably an STD Doesn't explain why they're on your ringpiece, however. Maybe someone else can give some suggestions?

Get the wife to burn them off with the iron. If it doesn't work, at least you'll have an amusing anecdote to tell your grandkids. You sure they're warts and not piles?

Yeah, it's horrible, you have my sympathies. I was curled up in a ball in a darkened room for most of the week after. Didn't help that every available space in my head, neck, and chest was full of congealed blood. My throat was more painful than my mouth; just breathing was a nightmare. Starting to wonder what they did to me while I was unconscious, actually

I'm with you, but it'll never happen because all the "psychics" have to do is ask why religion isn't being criminalised, and that's a can of worms that nobody wants to open.

Pros self-catheter. Amateurs get the wife to help. I have some experience in this; happy to help. You're officially a pervert if you enjoy it, mind

Bloody Mary - a group of psychiatric nurses invoke a murderous spirit by chanting her name into a mirror in the hospital basement. Silly and nonsensical tosh that looks like a student movie. Difficult to sit through. Not even a fair smattering of tits (they have to be naked when chanting, don'tchaknow) could improve the interest levels. Seems like Amazon Instant Video contains nothing but this type of cack these days.

That's the most discomfort I've ever had - wisdom tooth removal is horrible. Could hardly get out of bed for a week afterwards. Still, cut down on the headaches in the long run.

To be fair, they can still be cousins despite being married, or related in other ways. I believe it's traditional to invoke the spectre of Fife at the point?

Succinct and accurate. I had to endure this in the cinema - the sole bright spot was that there's a scene where Harrison Ford has a bit of food at the corner of his mouth that keeps appearing and disappearing. His character isn't eating at the time.

Very confused. The Dingles were a horrific 'comic' band of fail when last I saw Emmerdale, the arrival of whom killed interest I still had. Did they draft in a different, 'hard' branch of the family or something?

The wife's started getting emails from her family in the US about how Scotland will become some kind of racist backwater without the rest of the UK to keep us in check. The impression I get is that they're trying to get her to move away before independence hits. Absolutely fucking livid right now. Edit: Apparently Jews living in Scotland are in fear of their lives right now due to support for Palestinian civilians during the recent conflict in Israel. Kristalnacht mk. II set to kick in on September 19th. Raging so hard that this may be my last post due to HNNGGG

Forgot about that. Plus, it cost a fortune, whereas Crossroads was put together from cardboard and sticky-back plastic (and that was just the actors). Eldorado the clear winner.

As has been mentioned, it's utter keich, or was when last viewed (Christ, more than a decade ago). Emmerdale Farm was just dull, and was a great pre-bedtime sedative as a youngster Now, Crossroads - that was a REAL horror show.

Ah, pants. The wife wants to see this for some reason, and I was hoping it might be quite good.

Aye - prossies here, runaways in America, and the Aussie drivers are allowed to kill hitch-hikers. I think it's in the International Rulebook of the Road, along with the stuff about giving head in exchange for a lift.

I'm thinking that making deliveries isn't for the easily-angered. Used to deliver furniture over in Falkirk, and the number of times people would block off the van was remarkable. Ol' Leonidas here could've done with transferring his skills to another job, like taxi driving. You're still allowed to kill non-paying passengers, right?

Fair enough. Better to have a name that nobody knows anything about than to end up with the Iceland Arena, or the Durex Dome. Perfect time to do it; hard to imagine a time when the club's profile would be higher. Hopefully Indodrill don't have any associated scandals that might embarrass later. Seriously trolling the Rangers by launching the name on Saturday though

Big Ass Spider! - giant arachnid escapes from the military and terrorises Los Angeles. This was much more enjoyable than expected. It's your typical SyFy channel cheapo shark movie type of thing, but it's pretty amusing and you'll have a lot of fun playing spot-the-actor. Greg Grunberg (of LA Noire fame) and Lombardo Boyar make for a nicely agreeable buddy cop team, and the whole thing is a nice example of how this kind of thing can be done well. Pisses all over Eight Legged Freaks, for what that's worth Still not as amusing as The Giant Spider Invasion, however

Wid. Like a lavvie door when the parade's in town.

Considering porn under hedges seems to have been such a common thing, I'd say that the old b*****d would've needed to be busy, but that's exactly what he was, so... Terrifying to think what a close call we may all have had.

Almost a decade of circle jerks would take its toll, right enough.

Aye, we found somebody's stash under a hedge at the perimeter of our school. Must have been about eight years old at the time. Who are/were these people that hide/hid gentlemen's special interest material under hedges? Especially near schools FFS