BFTD

Alright, I got the first half this time, but there's something wrong with your keyboard. Something about a doberman?

Apropos of nowt, there was a lassie in my college class (back when mail was called e-mail) who would accidentally ( ) type 'hotmail.com' as 'hotmale.com'. Cue regular hilarity when her screen was filled with gay porn popups. hotmial.com was another good one; viruses everywhere and a good bollocking from the network tech. But only if she'd been very, very good

WTF? I officially hate children. Who am I kidding? I hated them even when I was one.

Are you murdering the wife before or after Christmas?

The wrestling's fake, but the office politics are real I understand that marrying the CEO's daughter helps too. Maybe Messi can try slipping one to Sepp Blatter's relatives in order to get that elusive World Cup winner's medal.

Too much wanking over King Kebab's GIFs? Edit: aw, pish. Should've realised someone else would've taken advantage of that particular open goal.

Can we keep it for e-mail? Don't fancy telling the wife about the mail I had at work. Especially if she wasn't surprised.

As I remember, the heavy-set gentlemen of my youth sweated like the proverbial. Not sure that's quite what you meant, however

Shush, you. I think it's safe to say that we all are, Fudgey.

"Now look, whit huv I telt ye aboot sending me yon piccies of yer bare scuddyness, Miss 10/10? Get it stopped pronto!"

If she's really all that and a bag of chips, maybe the girlfriend would fancy a shot herself. Christ, I've been watching too much porn again

Poor form, sir. There are ways of securing such things from prying eyes. You'll regret that when the alzheimers kicks in. Liking this girl more and more, TBH.

I'm betting she's no Angel, and the Badman filled her head full of Chisum.

It's like the geeky guys in Galaxy Quest with all the blueprints for the spaceships - everybody's met a wrestling fan who'll admit that it's scripted, but talks about it like they actually fight each other. Or a Coronation Street fan who claims to know that the characters don't actually exist, but will occasionally make a worrying slip that implies otherwise. Or the rich guys who use words like 'love' when talking about their supermodel wives

They're doing a fucking awful job of it, then; all you hear from boxing fans is how boring the sport is nowadays.

Aye, minus the hauners for friends. And blowjobs don't count either, nor titwanks. And American schoolchildren don't think anal counts as sex, so there's that. And it only REALLY counts with people whose names you know, so one-night stands are out. She's practically a virgin apart from you, Fudgey. <<< seethingly jealous misogynist

You miss! 8MILEBU flings shite! What do you do?

That reads like an old-skool Spectrum adventure game. Just needs to finish with "What do you do?" and a cursor. >use PARACETAMOL on 8MILEBU'S DAUGHTER 8MILEBU'S DAUGHTER drinks the PARACETAMOL. She heals! 8MILEBU'S DAUGHTER chides 8MILEBU You escape in the confusion.

Show us on the doll where No8 touched you, Patrick.

After all this build up, it'd better be shagging a close relative of his, or his wife's. Anything less just won't cut it. Chris, if you're out there, get the job done. And take pictures. Love, P&B.

You could try telling us what you've done instead of queening around like an attention whore. Sorry, in a bad mood because I actually AM a bad person. We should have a competition.

It's a horrible experience, to be sure, but nothing excuses posting in the third-person. Hope she's doing better (and chastising her father for his faux-pas)

Surprised this didn't occur to me before but, assuming she's single, get some piccies up on the Man Crushes thread. Best of both worlds n' aw rat.

Even better; folks that text on empty streets and walk into things because they're morons. Had a lassie walk into a lamp post in front of me the other day. I got glared at, like I should've warned her or, I suspect, moved the lamp post for her. Fucking, just...die! In flames, preferrably. Lots of love, BigFatTabbyDave xxx

I used to quite enjoy it when it was all flamboyant costumes and ludicrous silliness; coincidentally, before I was 12. Then they got all faux-serious, acting like they should be behind the bar at the Queen Vic, and doing horrible nonsense like badly-choreographed mock streetfights in alleyways, and pretending to murder each other with motor vehicles. What the f**k was that all about? When I had a kid, I was slightly worried that they'd try the same thing with pantomimes; shaven-headed Widow Twankey having knife fights with Buttons the dope-peddler. Thankfully they're still the same; camp, brash, and utterly chronic.