BFTD

My granny came from over by Aberfoyle and, to my knowledge, never set foot in Clackmannanshire. For some reason, she used to call me Tullibody when I was a young hatchling. I never knew that Tullibody existed until I randomly ended up driving through the place as an eighteen year old. Luckily I wasn't driving when I saw the "you are entering..." sign, as my mind was blown Sadly, my gran was long dead by then. So many questions.

^^^ yet to hear that he's never seeing his hole again

Didnae wash her hands either, the clarty hoor. Stop searching for Jamaican twerking videos, Throbs. By which I mean, keep searching and post links in the night shift

Genuinely didn't realise how sexual that laptop stuff would read Anyone else still use 8" floppies?

Dougie pumped your maw on the couch you still use? Bound to be worth a bit to DD (or, indeed, Mozza) worshippers as an artifact. Although it'll go for a bomb when the great man dies and the inevitable cloning attempts occur.

"That's not the way your father did it" http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-29494641

Apparently Michaela Strachan has had a double mastectomy. Because of cancer, not some strange lifestyle choice. The embittered tragedy typing doesn't give a shit, but there's still a wee boy inside somewhere who'd like to give her a cuddle

The wife's laptop has started making the 'bing-bong' device connection noise whenever I touch one of the USB ports. Just now, it started the 'loading drivers' pop-up above the notification area, so I kept my finger in place. Apparently I am an Unknown Device

FTFY. Who uses cash any more anyways?

I've never been particularly fond of our couch; the armrests aren't terribly comfortable and it didn't take long for the seat cushions to give up the ghost under my excessive weight. It'll still be a sad day when it goes, as some of the happiest times of my life have been spent lying on it. Because the wean used to fall asleep on me while Soccer Saturday was on, you pervs

Does Ewan get his knob out in that one? Saw Young Adam in the cinema, and it was the best communal movie experience I've ever had. The audience were pishing themselves by the end, as practically every time a female character appeared you knew that Ewan's knob wasn't far from making an appearance

+1 to the Watchmen love, although it'll always be the film that I once terrified my wife with when she was paralysed in hospital, hallucinating (unbeknown to me) and unable to communicate

Really? Nobody has any half-remembered films that they'd like help with? These kind of threads normally go down a storm I may have discovered #2: Przesluchanie/Interrogation. Will rent and report back.

Fantastic Four - a team of hot, young, sexy scientists (and Michael Chiklis) travel to space in order to do hot, sexy things. When a CG storm hits, they all go wibbly in different, CG-tacular ways. Jeez-o, what happened here? This manages the feat of doing the traditional superhero backstory-with-not-a-lot-else-happening movie while simultaneously feeling like the plot is being desperately rushed, with everything happening very fast and people pulling explanations out of their asses at the speed of light. A bigger problem, however, is the horribly misjudged tone, which has more in common with Superman 2 than any of the other Marvel movies, with slapstick and wisecracking galore. It's OK for a mindless way to kill a couple of hours, but no surprise that Marvel have a reboot planned for next year.

Alive - a condemned killer survives his death sentence, and is given the opportunity to be a guinea pig for a shadowy government organisation and a mysterious, supernaturally talented girl they have confined. Well, this was interminable. The first hour is essentially just our hero trapped in a cell with his backstory flashbacks and a moronic fruitcake, before things get a little bit Matrix/Kill Bill for a few minutes later on. Unfortunately, it goes back to being diabolically ponderous immediately afterwards. The whole thing is visually gloomy, presumably to hide the cheap sets, one of which looks like a big bunch of scaffolding. There's also a bit of the annoying Japanese cheesy-sound-effect-and-zoom thing that turns up in some of their films (Flower of Flesh & Blood springs to mind), but thankfully not too often as there's hardly any action. Pretty poor stuff in all, despite a final showdown with what could best be described as The Incredible Hulk on heroin. Edit 'cause I can't type these days.

On the DVD extras, there's a whole bunch of talk from Rogen & co about how they didn't think a lot of comedy being released was aimed at them, so they decided to make something different. They weren't kidding, but I've got no idea what they thought was original about their film. Dick pictures, maybe?

Awesome! ...now I just need a phone

Let me know if you find a solution to that, willya?

Even better; spend ages ferreting around for your glasses, only to realise that you've been wearing them the whole time

Finally finished my World Cup 2010 sticker album yesterday. They're supposed to be nodding. Why aren't my Dynamic Duo nodding?

Fairly certain that, at some point, the output from that machine will read, "PLEASE KILL ME".

Borat - fake Kazakh journalist tours America under the guise of research for his home country. Wow, this wasn't what I was expecting at all. Everything I'd heard was that this was a humorous exercise in encouraging people to reveal their unpleasant views, but there's actually very little of that, and the Americans generally come off fairly well. The film actually comes over as Sacha Baron Cohen taking out revenge against a patriotic Kazakh bigot/PE teacher that humiliated him in school, because most of the film is trying to get laughs from his vicious vision of a real country that few in the West (Cohen included, one suspects) know anything about. For me, most of the funny stuff comes from Borat's interaction with his producer ("f**k off, Death"), who has the most spectacular pair of tits I've ever seen on a man. Also, it's pretty clear that Cohen's vision of Kazakhstan is based on Fife, which is frankly outrageous and the Kingdom has my sympathy for this slur.

Cracking. Love me a bit of Cronenberg. Always happy when he has a good 'un out.

Mind blown by all this train ticket malarkey. Will be spending a bit of time doing research from now on. Is there a website that calculates this stuff for you automatically?