BFTD

That's awesome. We really need to make up some better names for our leagues. f**k the SPFL and their slavish copycatting.

I can beat that. Because kids of any age are allowed into any multiplex film* in the US, you'll find utter c***s with newborn babies in practically every showing. My personal favourite was the midnight showing of Resident Evil with THREE different babies, one of which unsurprisingly freaked out big-style during the opening sequence and had to be removed, much to the annoyance of the poor wee b*****d's "parents". Words cannot express. * Most multiplex chains won't show anything over an 'R' rating, and kids can get into anything 'R' or under with a responsible (or irresponsible) adult.

"Can I not just go for a walk the night?"

You have MS Paint, don't you?

Alas, poor Greenock.

Scum. Subhuman scum. The banhammer is the only thing these empathetic b*****ds understand,

It's becoming apparent that a P&Ber's Wives thread is not only desirable, but necessary.

You old romantic

Also, folk who once lived somewhere with a sticky door, and spend the rest of their lives slamming every door they meet as hard as they can. Especially good if they manage to catch your fingers while doing so.

Alright, I got the first half this time, but there's something wrong with your keyboard. Something about a doberman?

Apropos of nowt, there was a lassie in my college class (back when mail was called e-mail) who would accidentally ( ) type 'hotmail.com' as 'hotmale.com'. Cue regular hilarity when her screen was filled with gay porn popups. hotmial.com was another good one; viruses everywhere and a good bollocking from the network tech. But only if she'd been very, very good

WTF? I officially hate children. Who am I kidding? I hated them even when I was one.

Are you murdering the wife before or after Christmas?

The wrestling's fake, but the office politics are real I understand that marrying the CEO's daughter helps too. Maybe Messi can try slipping one to Sepp Blatter's relatives in order to get that elusive World Cup winner's medal.

Too much wanking over King Kebab's GIFs? Edit: aw, pish. Should've realised someone else would've taken advantage of that particular open goal.

Can we keep it for e-mail? Don't fancy telling the wife about the mail I had at work. Especially if she wasn't surprised.

As I remember, the heavy-set gentlemen of my youth sweated like the proverbial. Not sure that's quite what you meant, however

Shush, you. I think it's safe to say that we all are, Fudgey.

"Now look, whit huv I telt ye aboot sending me yon piccies of yer bare scuddyness, Miss 10/10? Get it stopped pronto!"

If she's really all that and a bag of chips, maybe the girlfriend would fancy a shot herself. Christ, I've been watching too much porn again

Poor form, sir. There are ways of securing such things from prying eyes. You'll regret that when the alzheimers kicks in. Liking this girl more and more, TBH.

I'm betting she's no Angel, and the Badman filled her head full of Chisum.

It's like the geeky guys in Galaxy Quest with all the blueprints for the spaceships - everybody's met a wrestling fan who'll admit that it's scripted, but talks about it like they actually fight each other. Or a Coronation Street fan who claims to know that the characters don't actually exist, but will occasionally make a worrying slip that implies otherwise. Or the rich guys who use words like 'love' when talking about their supermodel wives

They're doing a fucking awful job of it, then; all you hear from boxing fans is how boring the sport is nowadays.

Aye, minus the hauners for friends. And blowjobs don't count either, nor titwanks. And American schoolchildren don't think anal counts as sex, so there's that. And it only REALLY counts with people whose names you know, so one-night stands are out. She's practically a virgin apart from you, Fudgey. <<< seethingly jealous misogynist