BFTD

Ought to be compulsory viewing for brainless wee airheads who decide they want a child so they can have a real-life dolly. Or folk who aren't 100% on whether they want to be a parent, but are being pressured into it anyway.

Still don't understand the Lost in Translation love. I'm inclined to believe that the viewers are mesmerised by yon Black Widow's arse at the beginning, before seeing their own midlife crises mirrored in the rest. Certainly not bad, but I'm still a bit mystified. It did introduce me to Peaches, however, so there's that.

Bad man. I'll drop you a line when we go into production Edit: the reverse would have to say "f**k the Queen", in the interests of balance.

Pretty sure I've seen boots that looked like that. Maybe this is the start of a new trend; cars that look like ugly footwear. Nike customers would love it, I'm sure.

Danger, Will Robinson.

Why wouldn't you, though? It helps the environment, and the bags I've been using for about a decade don't turn into finger garrottes as soon as I leave the store. Simples. Seriously considering setting up a bag-for-life business with anti-supermarket slogans though. Might be idly entertaining to see Tesco's old "use whatever you like!" Green adverts bite them in the arse

Thinking about it, this is probably still better than what I did: turn into a pile of jelly and greet like a bairn

I don't think I've ever seen a woman look so impressed. Is the kid being called Candy or something?

Alright, that's keich; back on board with the supermarket hate. I swear I remember hearing that this extra money was supposed to be going towards combating the environmental effects of discarded carrier bags. Splendid corruption dropping of the ball by the bizzies.

Melodrama Take some bags with you, FFS. I'm sure you can buy some online with slogans like, "f**k TESCO/ASDA/MORRISONS/THE POPE". Did I dream this, or is this 5p charge going to the Government, rather than lining the pockets of our consumerist masters? Perfectly happy with it, if that's the case.

You'll be a real master if you can persuade them to get the drains cleaned

Saw a building on fire today; called the fire brigade and started battering on the door to see if anyone was inside. Would have kicked the door in, but I just saw Backdraft a few weeks ago. After a minute I realised that the noises from inside were just from everything cracking up in the blaze, so I turned to get back to a safe distance, only to find the residents of the property watching me from a few yards away like I was a complete tube

Once again I find myself mystified by the world at large.

Been there, done that. My case is due up in a few weeks.

Who doesn't carry their own bags to the shops these days?

I've been battering my son about this for years. Wee shitebag doesn't even cover his mouth and nose when he sneezes. Caught him dropping litter the other day too. I blame the parents.

I used to drive my mum about in her Ford Ka; I'm 6' 3" and built like a gallon of lard stuffed into a shopping bag brick shithouse, so the entire exercise was quite a feat of engineering. Especially hill starts. Must have been quite a sight when I got out

The BBC's story is fantastic..."we cordoned off part of the city, sent out fifty riot police, helicopters, and fire trucks, but there's nothing to see here. Move along people." http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-29775812

How very dare you, sir. I'm sure I wouldn't even know how to get to Dundee

Ask her if she'd like a pie instead. Then give her a boot in it.

Sorry this is late, but here's a wee report from the Development League game against Stenhousemuir on Monday the 20th... A damp night at The Stadium Formerly Known As Prince The Recs, with a fine mist enveloping the ground for most of tonight's Reserve League fixture against Stenhousemuir. Both teams put in a good shift despite the weather, with the Wasps eventually managing a 3-2 victory, despite struggling against their own finishing at times. The first half was largely dominated by Alloa attacks, with some lovely passing and link-up play between David Weatherston and Scott Hynd causing problems for Stenny's defence. Despite this, Stenhousemuir's #6 scored the first goal after a quarter of an hour with a low drive past the keeper following a break through the Alloa defence. The rest of the half passed with barely an attack from Stenhousemuir, but Alloa were unable to convert the many set pieces that came their way, with balls fizzing past the goal without troubling the keeper. The second half was a closer affair, with Stenhousemuir creating more attacking chances for their tireless #9, who forced an early close-range reaction save from Mikey Couser before being flattened by a heavy challenge soon after. Thankfully, Daryll Meggatt replied by thumping home an equalizer; a low free-kick from the middle of the park that smacked straight into the net past the keeper's left. Alloa made some changes at around the hour mark in an attempt to force the win that their play deserved, Lee McLelland & Graham Forsyth made way for Ryan Hoggan and the impressively tall Russell McLean, whose presence allowed for the use of some higher balls into the box. The substitutions made a difference within minutes; Scott Hynd ran onto a through ball and found himself unusually free of the Stenhousemuir defence, carefully passing the ball past the keeper's right to take the lead. Hynd found himself in the same position again soon after, only for Stenny's keeper to pull off a fine block. Alloa's dominance at this point was such that Stenhousemuir's equalizer came as a surprise, their #9 rising unchallenged at the far post to head home a cross from the near side. The Wasps were determined to get the win, however, but their frustration led to a bit of handbags between Michael Hardie and one of Stenhousemuir's players, both of whom ended up with yellow cards; the only cautions in a game played out in good spirits. The resulting Alloa free-kick ended up in Stenhousemuir's net, but a slow flag was enough reason for the referee to disallow the goal for offside. It didn't feel like Alloa's night when a powerful shot from McLean was deflected wide by the keeper, but a scramble from the resulting corner was scuffed in by mop-topped Lewis Wilson; just reward for his characteristic hard work on the left side. A very fair result for Alloa in the end, and more accurate finishing would probably have led to a greater scoreline.

Olympus Has Fallen - "This year, when the forces of evil occupy the home of democracy, just one man will stand between God's chosen people and the end of the world as we know it." - haven't seen the trailer, but that could be a line taken from it. Jeebus, I wasn't expecting this. Every now and then, the US releases a film that's very exclusively American; something that would leave anyone from elsewhere in the world scratching their heads. The last one I remember seeing was Rules of Engagement, a film that revolved around soldiers being sent into a deadly situation in order to rescue a FUCKING FLAG, but this really takes the cake. The film's premise is that North Korea stage a massive, unexpected assault on the White House, with slaughter on an incredible scale; civilians, secret service and military are massacred in their hundreds and thousands. The accuracy of the gunfire is uncanny, but only from the bad guys. There's a crapton of tragic opera music, with flags being riddled with bullets and thrown to the floor in slow motion. Also, a ton of hilariously stupid and/or arrogant code words are used for absolutely everything; the President is referred to as 'The Package', and the White House is grotesquely known as 'Olympus'. Once we're past this keich, the film turns into a shameless play-by-play rip-off of Die Hard, with Gerard Butler stalking the White House, dispatching terrorists like a cloud of poisonous fart in order to rescue the President, who's holed up in an underground bunker usefully watching his aides get killed. During this, everybody acts as though the President dying would be like losing Christ himself, not an entirely replaceable elected official. They even withdraw all troops from South Korea (which is referred to as 'ours') at the terrorists' demand so that the North can invade. The rest of the world, meanwhile, loses its shit at the suggestion that the US government isn't there to tell them what to do, with off-screen wars breaking out all over the place. "The Middle-East" is apparently jubilant at all of this; not sure if that includes Israel and the friendly Arab nations, but what the hell, the Middle-East is a small place. Not to worry; by the end, flags are proudly flying in slow-motion again, and we're treated to a bunch of appalling nonsense about rebuilding America (after a single building has been occupied). Utterly breathtaking stuff, the most disturbing part of which is that there's a big audience for this kind of thing in America, judging by the box-office receipts. It's genuinely like a non-satirical version of Team America: World Police, so it might be worth a look for the comedy value. Just don't think too much about the audience it was made for, or you might have trouble sleeping.

Happy birthday, but...just another 25? Don't fancy the inevitable drift into infirmity and rubber pants?

I can only hope that the rest of P&B will join me in restating our commitment to the national side, and that we will make ourselves available until we are no longer required. Honestly, we'll be recalling Lee McCulloch at this rate. There's a Euros to be qualifying for, people!

Saw an interesting documentary about Walmart in the US a while back. Apparently they get local authorities to build new stores for them, which they agree to inhabit for a token rent for the first few years as a sweetener. When the sweetener period expires, Walmart threaten to leave if they aren't allowed to stay rent-free. In the meantime, they've destroyed all the local businesses and their stores are so huge that nobody could fill the building if they leave the town. So, they essentially own the town by that point, and this is their standard practice for moving into new markets. Must admit that I wonder what concessions our councils make to get an ASDA in their area...